Supporting Someone Who Keeps Returning to an Abusive Relationship

Supporting Someone Who Keeps Returning to an Abusive Relationship

how-to-helpIt can be so difficult to watch someone you care about deal with an abusive relationship. Even more difficult is watching that person leave and return to their partner, time and time again. You might feel frustrated, angry or you may even feel like giving up on your friend or family member. These are all totally normal and understandable feelings to have.

But it’s important to remember that domestic violence is extremely complex. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy – and it isn’t always the safest option. In fact, survivors of abuse return to their abusive partners an average of seven times before they leave for good. That may sound unbelievable or unreasonable to a person who has never experienced abuse. But there are many reasons why a person might stay or return to their abusive partner. As frustrating as this may be, someone in a position to support a survivor can play a crucial role in empowering them to stay safe or even leave for good.

If you find yourself in this role, you might ask yourself what can you do to make sure you are staying helpful and supportive?

First, Educate Yourself

Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence is really important when supporting a person in an abusive relationship. A greater understanding of these dynamics may help you develop more empathy for your friend or family member who is experiencing these things in their relationship. Abuse is about power and control; part of maintaining that power and control requires the breaking down of a victim’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Gaslighting, a very common abusive tactic, can even make a person question their own thoughts or understanding of reality. Leaving the relationship may seem like an easy solution, but it’s important to recognize that leaving can be a very dangerous and challenging time for a victim. Many victims do not feel they have a choice; they are tied to their partners due to finances, children, housing, disability, fear or even love.

It’s also important to understand that abusive people are skilled manipulators. After violence or verbal attacks occur, there is often a “honeymoon” period; the abuser may apologize, promise it will never happen again or otherwise appear like a perfect partner for a time. However, this is an abusive tactic meant to keep the victim ensnared in the relationship, and can even make the victim question whether the abuse is really “that bad.” The victim may also believe that if they could just do everything right, their partner would stop the abuse and be that wonderful version of themselves all the time. An abusive partner knows that if they can keep their partner second guessing themselves, they will be less likely to feel empowered to take steps towards leaving. These are just a few of the complications that victims may face when considering ending an abusive relationship.

For more information about domestic violence, you can always contact your local domestic violence program or The Hotline to speak with a trained, knowledgeable advocate. You can also listen to survivors’ perspectives by viewing our webinar.

Let Your Loved One Know That You’re Concerned

This can be a really difficult conversation to have, but you can start it by simply saying, “I’ve noticed that your partner says mean things to you/doesn’t let you go out as much/puts you down in front of other people/etc., and I’m concerned about that. Is there anything you want to talk about?” Your friend may not want to talk, or they might even defend their partner. They may be ashamed of getting back together with their partner, and they don’t want to admit that things aren’t okay. Try not to judge them, and instead remain open and supportive. Letting them know that you’re there for them and that they’re not alone can be a huge comfort.

Listen and Support Their Decisions

People in abusive relationships often feel like they have little control over their lives. Their abusive partners have taken control, and they may be dependent on them in multiple ways. It can be tough to support a person’s decision to return to or stay with their abusive partner, but try to avoid telling your friend what they should do. In abusive relationships, an abusive partner is constantly taking away the other partner’s right to make their own choices and have their own thoughts or feelings. So, it can be really beneficial to model healthy behaviors for your friend or family member. Let them know you believe they are the best person to make the decision that feels right to them at that time. Let them know that you trust them to know what’s best for themselves. This will place power back in their hands! Keep in mind that if a person doesn’t leave on their own terms when they’re ready, they are more likely to return to their abusive partner.

Encourage Small Steps and Help Them Find Options Specific to Their Needs

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to domestic violence. Many survivors feel overwhelmed by the idea of leaving for good or taking drastic measures (like calling the police), so try to help them identify small steps they can take to feel safer and more empowered and/or move toward leaving the relationship, if that is something they want to do. For example, you might encourage them to contact The Hotline or speak with a counselor. Point out that they can just talk to someone, and that they don’t have to make any big decisions right away. Encourage them to practice self-care in whatever ways work best for them. You could also help them create a safety plan that supports their needs in that moment, whatever their situation might be. A safety plan can include resources and options for getting help, even if they’re not ready to leave the relationship. Additionally, it can help to identify resources that are uniquely qualified to help, for example, if your friend is a teen or LGBTQ. Check out our list of recommended resources here.

Practice Self-Care

Secondary trauma is real and very common. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can take a mental and emotional toll on you. If you find yourself getting frustrated with your friend, that can be a really important time to take a step back and focus on your own self-care, so that your frustration doesn’t impact your ability to provide empowering support to them. Taking time for yourself can help you recharge so that you are emotionally equipped to support them for the long haul. We must be healthy on an individual level before we can effectively help others! Your own boundaries are important, too. You have the right to step away from a situation when you need to while letting your friend know that you still care. Remember that you cannot save or “fix” a person and, ultimately, it will be their choice to leave or not.

If you are concerned that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, Hotline advocates are here to help. Call 1-800-799-7233 24/7, or chat online from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. Central time.

Comment section

14 replies
  1. [Admin note: This comment has been edited for safety per our community guidelines]

    My daughter is in an abusive relationship. I would like to seek counseling, so that I may better understand her situation and offer support. I am hoping to find a female counselor who can offer professional expertise. Thank you.

    1. Hi Sad Mom,

      Thanks so much for reaching out to us. We’re sorry to hear about your daughter – it is so difficult to watch someone we care about experience abuse of any kind. It’s wonderful that you are trying to understand the situation and find ways to support her. We’d be happy to talk through this with you and help you locate resources in your area. Please give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) or chat here on our website between 7 a.m. and 2 a.m. Central time (8 a.m. and 3 a.m. Eastern).

  2. My brother lives with my elderly mother and is an abusive alcoholic. he gets arrested my mom always lets him back home. I don’t know what to do.

    1. Hi Sandy,

      Thank you for your comment. This sounds like a really stressful and difficult situation, and we’re sorry to hear your brother is abusive toward your mom. We know that abuse is a choice, and being an alcoholic or dealing with addiction does not excuse abusive behavior. It can be so hard to watch someone we care about experience abuse of any kind. Although we specialize in abuse between intimate partners, we may be able to locate some resources for you to help support your mother. You’re welcome to call us any time at 1-800-799-7233 or chat here on our website from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. Central.

  3. I’m looking for resources regarding the safety of children when their mother chooses to stay in an abusive relationship. At what point, do the authorities need to be involved? My friend continues to return to an abusive relationship. She has a daughter (who is not the daughter of the abuser). Thus far, only my friend has been the victim of abuse (both physical and emotional). Her 8 year old daughter has witnessed one episode of the partner being aggressive with her mom (but has not witnessed any of the violence that resulted in injuries to the mom on previous episodes). I understand my friend needs to be the one to leave and she knows I am here for her. And as concerned as I am about my friend, I want to make sure that her daughter is safe since she does not have a choice to leave… I am afraid the abuser’s abuse will escalate to the point that the daughter, too, becomes a victim…

    1. Hi Worried friend,

      Thanks for reaching out to us. Your friend’s situation sounds very troubling, and it’s wonderful that you want to support her and her daughter. First, it’s important to recognize that, as we say in this post, “choosing” to stay in an abusive relationship may not actually feel like a choice to your friend. We do know that witnessing violence or living in a home where violence is taking place can be very traumatic for children, so your concern for her daughter is definitely valid. We’d be happy to talk through the situation with you and help locate some options or resources for your friend. Please call us any time at 1-800-799-7233, or you can chat here on our website from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. Central time. Additionally, this page has some tips for talking to children about domestic violence that may be helpful, if you are able to communicate safely with your friend’s daughter.

  4. [Admin note: This comment has been modified for safety per our community guidelines]

    He chokes me, leaves scars on my neck?.. I go back. He drinks… He CRIES… I go back. I antagonize him to WRATH?. . . I go back. “YOU THINK UR STATE JOB position makes you better than me you DUMB…”! … I go back cause he gets sober… … I go back.

    1. Hi YoYo,

      Thank you for your comment. We are so sorry to hear that your partner treats you this way. There is no excuse for his abuse, and you deserve so much better. We understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship, even when you know it is abusive. If you’d like to speak confidentially with an advocate, please get in touch with us. We’d like to help in any way we can. Just call 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) or chat here on our website from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. Central time.

  5. [Admin note: This comment has been modified for safety per our community guidelines]

    Hi there

    I am Parul from india,
    Deserted after daughter’s birth left for the US.and married some other women in america which bigamy and marriage immigration fraud case in India.

    i want to tell you that my husband facing marriage immigration fraud and Domestic Violence in India. There are many warrants issueed by Indian court for arrest.

    Now We living alone. I need your help to get justice. I want to revoke my husband green card or passport.so pls take action against him and help me to know passport detail or other detail that help me in court make my case strong.

    1. Hi parul,

      Thank you for reaching out to us. This sounds like a very difficult and complicated situation, and we are so sorry to hear that your husband has acted this way. We are a U.S.-based organization, so our services are unfortunately not available outside the United States. We encourage you to seek support in your area; it sounds like legal aid would be very helpful to you. This website has a list of helplines and legal assistance options in India: http://ncw.nic.in/frmhelpline.aspx

      We wish you and your daughter the very best! Please take care.

  6. [Admin note: This comment has been modified for safety per our community guidelines]

    Hello,
    I have been in an abusive relationship for 4 years now but 3 years violent. His violence started out slow but now it has gotten worse. I have attempted to get help but everyone in my town simply keeps saying there is not much help because I sometimes willingly go back They do not understand. He has hurt me many times before and the other night began threatening me and threatened to send out pictures of me as well. We are both still in the same school. I no longer have any physical evidence of abuse, besides one scar on my hip that he left from burning me. Is there anyway I could build a stance without physical evidence? He would also verbally abuse me which maybe some proof from times he would say “Sometimes I just want to beat the shit out of you.” or “I wish I could have you watch me sleep with someone else, just so I could watch me hurt you.”. I have told my guidance counselor at my school, my parents, and his parents. He sees nothing wrong with what he does and claims I’m just overreacting. I am finally ready to get help but I want to make sure I have a strong case before I fully speak up.

    1. Hi Ready for Change,

      Thank you for sharing your story, what you’re going through sounds painful and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy but you have been very brave to reach out for help. We are here for you if you would like to talk through your situation and can help you brainstorm ways to document the abuse. Please give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) or chat here on our website between 7 a.m. and 2 a.m. Central time.

  7. Spoke with someone to understand and listen and provide resources for my daughter. Sadly, after the “demographic” info was obtained , i was rushed off the line. Instead of listening and providing support by doing so. I almost felt like it was break time for the gal she was so hurried. (MacDs hotline… fast drive thru).
    Its very sad when i was placated and dismissed RUDELY.
    What a joke this hotline is.

    1. Hi Nanatx,

      Thank you for your comment. We are so sorry to hear that you did not have a positive experience when you called The Hotline. We strive to offer compassionate support to everyone who contacts us, and it’s very concerning to us that you did not feel supported. Your feedback has been passed on to our services team. If you would like to make a formal complaint, please call 1-800-799-7233 and ask to speak with a manager on duty.

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