Abuse is about power and control, and the signs are not always obvious. Learning the warning signs of abuse can help you help your family member identify their abusive and unhealthy behaviors. If you witness behaviors that you feel are unhealthy or abusive, try not to be silent about them. You might say things like, “I don’t think it’s healthy to talk to your partner that way,” or “If you care about someone, I think you should treat them with respect.”

If you witness the abuse, or if your family member tells you about a time they behaved abusively, try not to place blame on their partner or make excuses for the abuse. For example, avoid saying things like, “Well, what did they do to make you act that way?” or “You couldn’t help it.” There is no excuse for abuse; it is a choice, and it’s one that no one has to make. Although you may care about your family member, it’s important to focus on identifying the abusive behaviors. Even if their partner stays in the relationship, that doesn’t mean they deserve to be abused. Remember, you’re not turning against your family member. You’re just trying to help them have a healthier relationship.

You can’t “save” or “fix” another person. It’s up to them to decide that they want to change. Acknowledging that their behavior is abusive is the first step, and change can be a long and difficult process. Encourage them to seek professional help or to reach out to a confidential, non-judgmental hotline. Remind them of the effects that their abusive behaviors are having on their partner and their family. And remember, your family member’s decision to be abusive is not a reflection on you.

It can be very difficult knowing that someone you care about is an abusive partner. You might feel stressed or emotionally drained, and that’s totally normal. You have the right to take a step back from the situation when you need to and practice lots of self-care! By self-care, we mean doing things you enjoy or that help you feel calm and relaxed. Your own well-being is important, and you can’t put energy into supporting others if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

Being a victim of abuse can leave victims feeling ashamed and less-than a person. It can also leave them feeling like no one will believe them because it’s somehow their fault or that they were asking for it. The truth is that regardless of how the abuse happened, abuse is never the victim’s fault and they were never asking for it. It’s worth repeating: it’s important to remember to provide a sympathetic ear free of judgment, validate the other’s person’s experience and just being present when victims of violence or sexual assault are ready to open up.

Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of social status, gender, ethnicity,or background. Abuse is all about power and control, so it makes sense that a survivor would fear retaliation if the abuser held power over them. Our callers and chatters tell us how very real the fear of retaliation is as many of them fear being ostracized by their communities, outed if they are LGBTQ+ or afraid of losing their children, their jobs and their credibility and reputation amongst family and friends.

• Sometimes there’s a huge level of shame associated with attacks like this, as many survivors may feel it was their fault or that speaking up against their abuser may be unsafe and lead to physical harm.  Feeling responsible for not fighting back, for allowing the attack to happen or for not feeling strong enough is something that we hear from contacts that reach out to us. The thing is, however, that abuse has nothing to do with the victim! It’s about the abuser’s desire for power and control—as simple as that. No matter why it happens, abuse is not OK and it’s never justified. You are never too small to make a difference and you should not feel responsible for something that was never your fault in the first place.

No matter how well you know a survivor, the only person who can tell you how they feel or what they need is them. Calling the police when your neighbor is being yelled at may put them in danger if that’s not something they’ve asked you to do. Survivors of intimate partner violence have already been dealing with their abusive partner disregarding their wants, needs and boundaries, so to help a survivor it’s vital that you respect their autonomy. The best way to do that is with one simple question–”How can I help?”

It may be useful to think of helping a friend who is facing or has just left an abusive relationship as you would think of helping someone who is grieving the death of someone they loved. Framing your help this way, especially around the house, can ensure you don’t displace something that has big memories or emotions attached to it. If your friend or family member asks you to pick up groceries, for example, a list will likely be inadequate; instead, take pictures of the labels of the brands and products your friend is used to—why? Because there’s comfort in consistency. Similarly, before picking up around the house or throwing anything away, check in with your friend.

At The Hotline, we talk about safety for a good reason: every year more than 12 million people in the United States are abused by a current or former intimate partner. No matter what a survivor has asked you to do, the first thing you should talk about is how to create a safety plan. Basically, this means thinking through all of the possible outcomes of any given action the abuser may take and prepare yourself for how you could stay safe if they were to occur. From pregnancy and kids to pets and travel, and everything in between, safety planning is important for everyone who has been threatened by an abuser. Your loved one knows their abusive partner or ex-partner better than anyone, so they’re the best judge of what will keep them—and you—safe.

This last tip may feel counterintuitive because your loved one has asked you to help them, but we know dealing with abuse and its aftermath can be really difficult for people who love survivors too. It’s crucial that you listen to your own instincts and respect your body’s needs for food, water, movement, sleep and happiness. It’s OK to take a day, or even a week off, to recharge your emotional battery and focus your energy on things that relax you and bring you joy. Think about it like being on an airplane—you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else!

You can love someone, but if you don’t trust them – or they don’t trust you – then the relationship won’t be healthy. Trust is a building block of a healthy relationship, and without it, jealousy and insecurity can lead to unhealthy or even abusive behavior.

Being able to communicate openly with your partner about anything without feeling fearful of how they’ll respond is so important in a healthy relationship. Even if you bring up a difficult topic or disagree about something, that shouldn’t lead to screaming, name calling or any sort of physical confrontation. You deserve to feel safe talking to the person you love.

Setting boundaries helps ensure that everyone in a relationship feels comfortable with what’s happening, which is why a person’s boundaries should always be respected – even if you (or your partner) don’t like them. Disrespecting boundaries is a sign of abusive behavior, not love. Note: a healthy boundary protects and respects a person, and does not seek to control or harm another person.

Maybe it seems obvious, but we’re going to say it anyway: having fun together is a really important part of a healthy relationship! Even if you love your partner, frequently feeling unhappy or insecure in your relationship may be a sign that your relationship isn’t as healthy as it could be.

How Abusive Partners Initiate Relationships

A common trait of many abusive partners is that they are really charming, especially at the beginning of a relationship and in the first stages of dating. You might begin to feel like they understand you better than any other partners before and can treat you better because of it. Under these conditions, it would be hard for anyone not to become really attached and develop strong feelings of love unlike anything they’ve felt in the past. We also hear from a lot of survivors of abuse that their relationship moved faster than they were comfortable with in the beginning because their abusive partner “swept them off their feet.” There are two sides to this coin, though. Being treated in new ways can be a really great thing, but it also means not knowing what to expect or how to respond to new behavior. Abusive and controlling partners will slowly start to choose unhealthy and then abusive behaviors. It becomes difficult to identify whether what’s happening is healthy, and it’s easier to excuse this behavior since you’re focused on how different and great things had been until now.

How Abusive Partners Maintain the Control They’ve Taken

Just as their initial charm was a part of their act, so are the times when they return to that good behavior. When the unhealthy or abusive behavior begins to escalate, you may have a gut instinct that something isn’t right, even if it’s hard to figure out why. But, it can be tough to trust that instinct, especially after seeing all that great behavior in the beginning of the relationship. Abusive partners acknowledge this instinct, and that’s one reason why abusive relationships usually don’t start out with abuse. The escalation tends to happen over time after they have shown you their charming act.

However, that doesn’t mean the escalation of abusive behavior is predictable. As we’ve said before, the phrase “cycle of abuse” isn’t entirely accurate because it implies patterns and levels that can be measured or predicted. You might want to know how bad is “too bad” and where you should draw the line, but that’s not a question anyone else can answer for you. Since abusive behavior is a choice, it happens when that person chooses it, which isn’t something you can predict. The loving, kind, sweet act they put on for you is a primary tactic they use to maintain the control they’ve taken. Moving back and forth between the good and bad behavior is an intentional manipulation tactic that plays upon your desire for them to return to the good behavior. You may find yourself questioning your own actions, especially if they blame you for their abusive behaviors because clearly, they can choose to behave lovingly. But it’s important to recognize that their minimizing and excuses for the behavior are part of the abuse, too. If they were abusive all the time, you might be more likely to leave or seek help sooner, since you wouldn’t be reminded of how it used to be.

What Others Say About the Abuser

Another aspect of the abuser’s performance that makes it really difficult to see things clearly is that their partners are usually, though not always, the only ones who get to see both of the parts they play. People with controlling, unhealthy and abusive attitudes know their behavior is not okay. That’s why they don’t show it to most of the people in their lives or treat others with the same level of abuse. This can add to a victim’s confusion. When everyone else is saying how great they are and admiring their charming behavior, it might validate the hope that the good behavior is the “real” person. It can be incredibly hard to trust your instincts if you think you’re the only person worried that something isn’t right, or like you’re the one causing the abuse.

An additional complication is the fact that gaslighting is one of the most common and effective abuse tactics. With this tactic, an abuser actively tries to make their victim question reality or if what they believe is actually true. If you’re constantly questioning your reality or your partner’s behavior, one helpful thing to do is to keep a journal (if it’s safe for you to do so, and you’re able to keep it in a place your abusive partner does not have access to).

With all of these layers, it’s understandable that someone would focus on the good and ignore the bad. However, no one should ever have to experience hurtful or abusive behavior for any reason. Everyone deserves respect and equality in their relationship at all times.

Evaluating and Reframing the Good Behavior

Thinking about a partner’s “good behavior” in this way can be helpful for those still in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, as well as for those who question their decision after leaving. Constantly wondering which behaviors are the “real” person is absolutely normal and valid, no matter how hurtful a partner has been or for how long. People who choose to be abusive often have an underlying attitude of entitlement and privilege, which is something that is very difficult to change. Apologizing and temporarily acting “nice” again are not true indications of change. Real change takes time and a tremendous amount of effort and commitment.

Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence is really important when supporting a person in an abusive relationship. A greater understanding of these dynamics may help you develop more empathy for your friend or family member who is experiencing these things in their relationship. This empathy can help you as you keep supporting someone who keeps returning to their abusive partner. Abuse is about power and control; part of maintaining that power and control requires the breaking down of a victim’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Gaslighting, a very common abusive tactic, can even make a person question their own thoughts or understanding of reality. Leaving the relationship may seem like an easy solution, but never is. It’s important to recognize that leaving can be a very dangerous and challenging time for a victim. Many victims do not feel they have a choice; they are tied to their partners due to finances, children, housing, disability, fear, or even love.

It’s also important to understand that abusive people are skilled manipulators. After violence or verbal attacks occur, there is often a “honeymoon” period; the abuser may apologize, promise it will never happen again, or otherwise appear like a perfect partner for a time. However, this is an abusive tactic meant to keep the victim ensnared in the relationship and can even make the victim question whether the abuse is really “that bad.” The victim may also believe that if they could just do everything right, their partner would stop the abuse and be that wonderful version of themselves all the time. An abusive partner knows that if they can keep their partner second-guessing themselves, they will be less likely to feel empowered to take steps towards leaving. These are just a few of the complications that victims may face when considering ending an abusive relationship.

This can be a really difficult conversation to have, but you can start it by simply saying, “I’ve noticed that your partner says mean things to you/doesn’t let you go out as much/puts you down in front of other people/etc., and I’m concerned about that. Is there anything you want to talk about?” Your friend may not want to talk, or they might even defend their partner. They may be ashamed of getting back together with their partner, and they don’t want to admit that things aren’t okay. Try not to judge them and instead remain open and supportive. Letting them know that you’re there for them and that they’re not alone can be a huge comfort.

People in abusive relationships often feel like they have little control over their lives. Their abusive partners have taken control, and they may be dependent on them in multiple ways. It can be tough to support a person’s decision to return to or stay with their abusive partner, but try to avoid telling your friend what they should do. In abusive relationships, an abusive partner is constantly taking away the other partner’s right to make their own choices and have their own thoughts or feelings. So, it can be really beneficial to model healthy behaviors for your friend or family member. Let them know you believe they are the best person to make the decision that feels right to them at that time. Let them know that you trust them to know what’s best for themselves. This will place power back in their hands! Keep in mind that if a person doesn’t leave on their own terms when they’re ready, they are more likely to return to their abusive partner.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to domestic violence. Many survivors feel overwhelmed by the idea of leaving for good or taking drastic measures (like calling the police). Offer to help them identify small steps they can take to feel safer and more empowered and/or move toward leaving the relationship if that is something they want to do. For example, you might encourage them to contact The Hotline or speak with a counselor. Point out that they can just talk to someone and that they don’t have to make any big decisions right away. Encourage them to practice self-care in whatever ways work best for them. You could also help them create a safety plan that supports their needs at that moment, whatever their situation might be. A safety plan can include resources and options for getting help, even if they’re not ready to leave the relationship. Additionally, it can help to identify resources that are uniquely qualified to help, for example, if your friend is a teen or LGBTQ+.

Secondary trauma is real and very common. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can take a mental and emotional toll on you. It can be particularly hard supporting someone who keeps returning to an abusive relationship.

If you find yourself getting frustrated with your friend, that can be a really important time to take a step back and focus on your own self-care. This is important because you don’t want your frustration to impact your ability to provide empowering support to them. Taking time for yourself can help you recharge so that you are emotionally equipped to support them for the long haul. We must be healthy on an individual level before we can effectively help others! Your own boundaries are important, too. You have the right to step away from a situation when you need to while letting your friend know that you still care. Remember that you cannot save or “fix” a person, and ultimately, it will be their choice to leave or not.

Abuse typically doesn’t happen right away in a relationship, and it tends to escalate over time as an abusive partner becomes more controlling. You may remember the beginning of the relationship when your partner was charming and thoughtful. You may see good qualities in your partner; they might be a great parent or contribute to their community. It’s not shameful to love someone for who they could be, or for the person they led you to believe they were.

After hurtful or destructive behavior reaches a peak, there may be periods of “calm” in your relationship when your partner makes apologies and promises that the abuse will never happen again. During calmer periods, it might seem like your partner is back to being their “old self” – the wonderful person they were at the beginning of the relationship. You might feel that if you could just do or say the “right” things, the person you fell in love with would stay and the abuse would end. But, there is nothing you could do or say to prevent the abuse, because the abuse is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the choices your partner makes. Those periods of calm are often a tactic that an abusive partner uses to further confuse and control their partner.

Abusive partners are human beings who are complex, like everyone else. They may be dealing with their own traumas, past or present. As their partner, you care about them, and maybe you hoped you could help or “fix” them. But whether they’re dealing with a mental illness, addiction or an abusive childhood, there is NO excuse for them to abuse their partner in the present. Abuse is always a choice and is never okay. The truth is, even though you love your partner, you can’t “fix” another person. It’s up to them to get help addressing their own trauma and their abusive behavior.

For many victims, feelings of love for an abusive partner can also be a survival technique. It is very difficult for a non-abusive person to understand how someone they love, and who claims to love them, could harm or mistreat them. To cope, they detach from their pain or terror by subconsciously beginning to see things from the abusive partner’s view. This process can intensify when an abusive partner uses gaslighting techniques to control or manipulate their partner. The victim begins to agree with the abuser, and certain aspects of the victim’s own personality and perspective fade over time. By doing this, the victim learns how to “appease” the abusive partner, which may temporarily keep them from being hurt. The need to survive may be compounded if a victim depends on their abusive partner financially, physically or in some other way.

The victim doesn’t have an enthusiastic supporter on their side so may feel discouraged or hopeless.

The batterer is wealthy, famous, powerful in the community, etc., and can afford to hire private counselor and pressure decision-makers.

The victim believes the batterer’s threats to kill them and the children if they attempt to leave.

The victim believes it is in the children’s best interest to have both parents in the home, especially if the abuser doesn’t physically abuse the children.

The children put pressure (independently or by the abuser’s influence) on the abused parent to stay with their partner.

Because of differences in race or culture, the victim worries about being treated unequally by the justice system if they come forward, or believes stereotypes about acceptable actions in their own culture.

The victim is in denial about the danger, instead believing that if they could be better partners, the abuse would stop.

Victims who are disabled or physically challenged face obstacles in gaining access to court and social services, and may be isolated from basic info about resources.

Elderly victims may hold traditional beliefs about marriage and believe they must stay, or are dependent on the batterer for care even in the face of physical abuse.

Many survivors love and care for their partner, even when they are causing harm. Overcoming these feelings can be a challenge.

The victim believes the abuser’s excuses to justify the violence, blaming job stress or substance abuse for example.

Family members exert pressure if they believe there’s no excuse for leaving a marriage or if they’re in denial about the abuse.

The batterer has shown willingness to carry out threats and the victim fears harm to themselves or the children if they leave.

The batterer has used the threat of obtaining custody to exact agreements to their liking.

Financial abuse can take many different forms depending on the couple’s socio-economic status — ex. If victims have been forced to sign false tax returns or take part in other unlawful financial transactions.

The victim realizes that they cannot provide for themselves or their children without the batterer’s assistance.

The victim feels gratitude toward the batterer because the batterer has helped support and raise their children from a previous relationship, or take care of them if they have health, medical or other problems.

Batterers have convinced victims that the violence is happening because it’s their fault.

Homeless abuse victims face increased danger, as they must find ways of meeting basic survival needs of shelter, food, and clothing while attempting to elude their batterers.

This hope is typically fueled by the batterer’s promises of change, pleas from the children, or family’s advice to save the relationship.

The victim has been cut off from family, friends and colleagues and lacks a support system or people to stay with.

Victims believe it is in their children’s best interest to have their father or a male role model in the family.

Illiterate victims may be forced to rely on the literate batterer for everyday survival.

Such victims often don’t have support systems to assist them with re-entry to the community. Parole officers may require that they return home if that appears to be a stable environment.

If the perpetrator is a law enforcement officer, the victim may fear that other officers will refuse to assist or believe them if they come forward.

Victims may feel silenced if disclosing their sexual orientation (to qualify for a protective order) could result in losing their job, family, and home.

Victims may believe they deserve no better than the abuse they receive.

Since many batterers are initially charming, victims fall in love and may have difficulty altering their feelings with the first sign of a problem.

Mediation can put the victim in the dangerous position of incurring the batterer’s wrath for disclosing the extent of the violence.

The victim must stay with the batterer to obtain medical services, especially if they share insurance.

Victims face negative societal stereotypes in addition to the batterer’s taunts that the victim is crazy and nobody will believe anything that they say.

These victims are particularly vulnerable to the batterer’s manipulation and are likely to be dependent on the batterer for basic survival.

If the victim or the perpetrator is in the military, an effective intervention is largely dependent on the commander’s response. Many commanders believe that it is more important to salvage the soldier’s military career than to ensure the victim’s safety.

Victims can’t find affordable housing or there is no shelter space.

Victims without job skills usually have no choice but to work for employers paying minimum wage, with few, if any, medical and other benefits.

Victims without knowledge of the options and resources logically assume that none exist.

Victims with a past criminal record are often still on probation or parole, making them vulnerable to the batterer’s threats to comply with all of their demands or be sent back to prison.

Sometimes previously abused victims believe the batterer’s accusation, “See, this is what you drive your partners to do to you!”

Victims don’t believe that they will be given the respect and safety considerations that they need in court.

The batterer’s promises of change may be easy to believe because they sound sincere. Victims are socialized to be forgiving.

Beliefs may lead victims to think they have to tolerate the abuse to show their adherence to the faith.

Victims may be isolated and simply unable to access services due to lack of transportation, or the needed programs are distant and unable to provide outreach.

Assessing that it is safer to stay may be accurate when the victim can keep an eye on the batterer, sensing when the batterer is about to become violent and, to the extent possible, taking action to protect themselves and their children.

Students in high school or college may fear that untrained administrators will deny their requests for help. If the perpetrator is also a student, the victim often does not want them to be expelled from school.

The victim doesn’t want to disclose the abuse or may deny that any problem exists.

Either the victim or offender’s substance abuse may inhibit seeking help, often for fear that the children will be removed.

Teens are at greater risk for abuse in their relationships than any other age group. Peer pressure, immaturity, no knowledge of resources, and low self-esteem all factor into the decision to stay.

A lack of transportation condemns victims to a choice between welfare and returning to their abusers.

This can occur often if family, friends and community professionals minimize the crimes.

Victims facing complex immigration problems if they leave are often forced to stay with the batterers who may control their INS status.

The healing process isn’t linear. While it’s understandable that you would want your loved one to make a dramatic change in their life overnight, remember, these kinds of decisions tend to happen over long periods of time.

• In pre-contemplation, your loved one has not yet begun considering what change could look like. They may feel like something is wrong, but haven’t admitted the problem or thought seriously about change.
• In contemplation, they consider what changes they could make to better prioritize their safety. Still, these steps are just a thought, and they are unlikely to make changes in the immediate future.
• In preparation, a survivor, of their own accord, actively begins planning to better stay safe.
• Action is the time period in which survivors make significant, life-affirming changes.
• In maintenance, a survivor continues to adapt to changing circumstances in order to preserve a safe, supportive, and empowering environment.

It’s alright for a survivor to be in any one of these stages of change. Moving through them can take weeks, months, or even years, and people don’t always move through them in a consecutive order. Forcing or pressuring someone who is in pre-contemplation to start safety planning will likely be ineffective, as they have not yet admitted to themselves that they are experiencing abuse. It’s also important to remember that it takes survivors an average of seven attempts at leaving an abusive relationship before leaving for good. It can be challenging for anyone to realize that one of the people they care for most is also hurting them the most.

This might sound redundant, but it’s true! You cared about your loved one before they got into this relationship, and you can remind them that there’s more to their life than the abuse they’re experiencing. Remind them what healthy relationships look like. Ask if you can help with their self-care and emotional safety.  Sometimes it can be more helpful to talk about hobbies, work, children, other relationships, health and nutrition, media, and more – it reminds survivors of their identity outside of the relationship and can give them a break from the trauma they’re experiencing. Other times, it helps for survivors to tell their stories and re-tell them as a way to process their experiences. You can also think about going to them with a problem of your own to remind them that you trust and respect their judgment and perspective. Everyone is different, so think about what might work best to support your friend.

Discussing an abusive partner’s behavior as immoral, unfair, illegal, or sinful can be difficult, since those are subjective concepts. Instead, it can be helpful to identify what kinds of behaviors are healthy, unhealthy, or abusive to draw a contrast for your loved one. For example, “Wow, I’m concerned to hear that your partner is pressuring you into unwanted sexual intimacy. In a healthy relationship, everyone feels safe saying no and knows that their boundaries will be respected.”

You already know that your loved one is struggling with power dynamics in their romantic relationship. Unequal power dynamics in friendships are disempowering, which is why it’s important to never take control of the survivor’s situation. No matter how it might seem from your perspective, your loved one is the expert on their own experience, and they understand the relationship best. You are not responsible for rescuing them from this relationship, nor are you capable of doing so. You’re doing the right thing when you support rather than rescue.

Not everyone has the emotional capacity to support a survivor, and there’s no shame in that. Knowing our limits is an act of strength, because naming our vulnerabilities takes courage. Know the signs of vicarious trauma and observe your own emotions. Your loved one deserves support, and if you are at your upper limit, it’s okay to refer them to us or a local domestic violence program that could better assist them. Then, prioritize your emotional well-being and practice self-care to replenish your emotional resources.