minimizing-abuse

Blame Shifting and Minimizing: There’s no EXCUSE for Abuse

minimizing-abuse

Why do we make excuses? You tell a friend that you’re busy with something else because you’d rather just put your feet up and watch the game. You tell yourself that eating that pint of ice cream was fine because you went running the day before so that cancels it out.

To some extent, everyone makes excuses.

When it comes to people making justifications about their unhealthy actions, it can be difficult to see through these excuses or recognize them for what they are.

Why do we want to believe the excuses a partner makes when they’re treating us badly? Sometimes the justifications sound really good. Especially when we’re looking for something — anything — to help make sense of how the person we care for is acting toward us. It’s normal to want to rationalize what’s going on, because abuse is pretty irrational.

Abusive partners are also skilled at coercion and manipulation. They use excuses to make you feel like what’s happening is your fault.

Let’s take a look at common excuses that abusive partners use and talk about why these, like all “reasons,” aren’t justification for violent and hurtful behavior.


  • “I was drunk/I was using drugs.”

Substance abuse isn’t an excuse for abuse. There are people who drink and use drugs and don’t choose to abuse their partners. Ask yourself: how does your partner act when they’re drunk around their friends? How do they treat you when they’re sober?

A statistics teacher would tell you, “Correlation does not imply causation.” Just because two things happen together (like drinking and violence), it does not mean that one causes the other.

  • “I control you because I care about you.”

Acting jealous, controlling or possessive is not a way to show someone you care. 

  • “You got in my face/made me mad/got me wound up on purpose, and I had no other choice. I can’t control it.”

Stress and anger issues don’t cause abusive behavior. An abusive partner’s actions are always a choice that they make. Ask yourself: how does your partner react when they are angry with other people? Would they fly off the handle at their boss? Chances are probably not, because they know they can’t get away with that behavior around others.

  • I have mental health issues or a personality disorder — ex. I’m bipolar, I have PTSD.”

There are people have these mental health issues and don’t act abusive toward their partners. If an abusive partner is dealing with mental health problems, have they been diagnosed with them? Additionally, mental health issues can be managed in certain ways, like with medication.

  • “I grew up in a violent home where I experienced or witnessed abuse”

There are a lot of people who grow up in violent homes who choose not to abuse their partners. Many choose this because of how they grew up — they know how it felt to live in that situation and they want healthier relationships for their partner and their family.


Do you find yourself making these excuses for how you act toward your partner? Or, on the other hand, do any of these excuses sound similar to what you’ve heard your partner tell you when they’re treating you badly?

Being able to recognize excuses for what they are — blames, minimizations, denials — can be a step toward realizing that abuse is never the fault of the person on the receiving end. Remember: partners who are abusive always have a choice about their words and actions.

We’re here to talk: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).

71 replies
  1. Kymberly says:

    In my case I made him angry when I confronted him on his infidelity. Of course he turned it around and made it all about me. “How could I hold such a low opinion of him How could I think he would do something like that?”. I angered him so much by my allegations that he couldn’t control himself, so he said. Turns out he WAS cheating.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Kymberly,

      Thanks so much for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like it took a lot of courage to confront him with your suspicions. Unfortunately, people who are abusive often turn the blame around and do not take responsibility for their behaviors. It sounds like this has been such a frustrating situation. If you would ever like to talk about what has happened or ways to heal, feel free to call us, The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233. An advocate is available 24/7 to offer guidance and support.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

      • kristen says:

        I am afraid to even leave my e-mail. I almost never reach out, and know that this will most likely backfire. Calling is not an option, nor is thinking any web contact really won’t be backtracked. Is there any place that is truly confidential to get support? I have tried for years to find a safe place. I am now sitting here with three areas of broken ribs, a foot that is broken in four places, and an elbow that has an hematoma covering my stupid arm that just won’t heal. I have three beautiful kids that I should be protecting, but feel that I have let down. My husband has never touched them. However, they have watched him toss me down. They have learned to not talk about what happens. The last time we tried to leave my husband called the police saying that I was “kid napping” them. ( I am a Canadian and American Duel citizen.) I really have tried to get help. I simply have to just take it. I will not leave my kids and in Missouri. Woman just don’t have the right to try and have the police help. I grew up with the belief that being hurt was not OK. I obviously have lost that. I so hope that one day, my two little girls will have a chance to be only touched with reverence. Thank you for all that you do.

        • HotlineAdmin_MK says:

          Kristen,

          I know it is not easy reaching out, but I am so glad that you took a step to seek help. From what you have described, it sounds like you are in an extremely physically abusive relationship. You mentioned a lot of severe injuries that you have obtained from your husband. I want you to know that your well being comes first, and one of my concerns from what you have shared, is that you may need medical attentions. If this is the case, at your discretion, please know that you can seek out medical attention. I am very glad that you reached out; I know you said that it may not be safe for you to call us because he is tracking what you are doing. I want you to know that there are confidential places that can be able to provide you with support and a safe place. If you would be able to, I would encourage you to try our live chat during the week Monday – Friday, between the hours of 9:00am – 7:00pm at http://www.thehotline.org. There are live advocates on chat that can direct you to a confidential and safe place in your area. Another option may be to see if your children’s school counselor or social worker may be able to provide you with assistance. You can do this when you drop of pick up the children from school. A lot of times schools are able to connect individuals and families to safe resources in their area. You and the children do not deserve to experience this abuse, and it is absolutely not okay for your husband to treat you this way. I know you took a big risk contacting us online, and I want you to know that that is a big step! I hope you will be able to get connected with us via chat and that you can get connected to a place near you.

          Hotline Advocate MK

          • Lori Anne says:

            Hi Kristen. That is horrible. I think your best and quickest bet would to talk to the school counselor. That would be the most discreet. I hope you and your children will be okay and that he receives the medical treatment he needs.

          • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

            Lori Anne,
            Thank you for engaging in this conversation on our blog and participating in this network of support. It can be difficult to know what to do in an abusive relationship. At The Hotline, our advocates are here to help people explore their options. We believe that people in abusive situations are the experts on their own situations and only they can know what is best for them. Our advocates are happy to discuss different ways to support someone in an abusive relationship. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.
            Sincerely,
            Hotline Advocate RG

    • Julie says:

      Same here, I got so good at knowing when he was up to no good that I didn’t have to waste my time to find proof, I’d proven to myself with 100% accuracy, if I think it, it is and all I had to do was say something like, “what were you doing in her trailer after work” and he either had to confirm or deny and his response was “so what”. I didn’t see him, I had no proof of it, it was strictly my gut intuition that I threw that out there and the his response “so what” confirmed my suspicion without getting proof as I put black and white proof in front of his face on many occasions, undisputable, undeniable proof and not once did he ever dignify me the respect to admit, confirm, acknowledge, validate or own up to or stand up like a man with the integrity to dignify his wife with the truth I deserved and don’t try to give me anything else but the truth, 100% TRUTH!. In 21 years of marriage and 27 years together, this is something he was incapable of. Instead, he turned the table and tried to throw me into the fire telling me that I had to much time on my hands, that I’d become to analytical and needed to find something else to do with my time than check up on him or worry about what he’s doing, LOL FUNNY HUH!! I was married to a man who used to tell me constantly, I give you anything and everything you want or need, “YOU HAVE EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ME, BUT ME, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT”. A loyal, honest, trust worthy husband to which his response was “I am”. Yeah, buddy, on what fucking planet are your actions or behavior anything but utter disrespect!!

      • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

        Dear Julie,

        Thank you for joining our community conversation by sharing your story. That sounds very frustrating! That was unfair of him to try and turn the argument around and put blame on you. You deserve to be treated with respect through open and honest communication.If you would ever like to reach out, The Hotline advocates are available everyday from 7am to 2am CST on chat and 24/7 by phone at 1-800-799-7233.

        Take care,
        Hotline Advocate RG

  2. Lee says:

    After 20 yrs of being terroized..I can afforf to leave but my spouse has suddenly turnef extremely nice..why am I falling for his act..I dont love him as ny longet

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Lee,

      Thank you for sharing with our blog community. It’s completely understandable to feel conflicted making this decision, it’s a huge step to take. Unfortunately, we know that people who are abusive are often very manipulative and use this as a tactic to gain and maintain control in their relationship. If this is something you feel is happening in your relationship, I encourage you to contact us, the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We can be reached 24/7 at 1800-799-7233 and your call is completely confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

      • Lori Anne says:

        Hi Lee – I think you should leave as planned. if he truly has changed, then he will stay in touch via phone. If he blows up, you’ll have your answer, unfortunatey. I wish you all the best…

        • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

          Hi Lori Anne,

          Thank you for your words of support. It is hard to know what someone’s else’s best option is as abusive relationships can be very complex. For more information on how to support someone in an abusive relationship, check out our post on Help for Friends and Family. You can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

    • Tammy says:

      I know how you feel. It’ because he’s manipulating you, trying to make you feel guilty, trying to get his control back over you. The being nice part that he’s doing is part of the cycle of abuse; he might seem normal, or almost normal for him, kind off, like something is bothering him. He’ll start being mean and belittling to you, say mean things, blame you for things that aren’t your fault. Then one day he’ll blow up and it will be a huge, ugly fight. After he calms down, he’ll be so apologetic and nice it will make you feel like it wasn’t that bad, he won’t do it again. He will ALWAY do it again. It’s a cycle. An abuser makes the CHOICE to hurt you, and he doesn’t respect you. You deserve better and t be treated like a human being.

      • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

        Tammy,

        Thank you for sharing with our blog community. You are right, people who are abusive know all of the right things to say and when to say them. And we know that is all still part of the abuse because it is all manipulative. It can be really difficult to realize that those nice moments were also an issue, and can make it hard to think of our plan as a solution.

        Thank you for sharing that education with our blog. If this is something you have experienced and feel you would like to talk more about it, feel free to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233.

        HotlineAdvocate_SG

  3. Anon says:

    What if you feel you have no options or resources? I have a child and I am scared that I will lose him if I leave. Where will I go? I have nobody. It’s a scary decision and I just don’t know what is the right path for me.

    • HotlineAdmin_MCo says:

      Dear Anon,

      Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Abusers will very often isolate their victims from all friends and family in order to better control them. Abusers will also often threaten to take away your children if you leave. But know that this is not your fault and that you deserve better. I would strongly encourage you to give us a call at 1(800).799.7233. We are here 24/7 and we are completely confidential/anonymous. We can develop a plan to escape safely and strategies that you can employ to stay safe in the relationship. We can also get you connected to local resources that can help with legal advocacy and shelter so that you can have a safe place to stay.

      You don’t have to face this alone. We are here to help.

      With strength,
      Hotline Advocate MC

  4. Anon says:

    Taking that first step is scary. I have a part time job right now but live in a high cost area. I don’t have the means to move anywhere. And I can’t leave the state because of my kid.

    I feel this is my fault. I should have known bbetter. And dealing with shelters and the like…I have heard Horror stories about how hard it is to even get into them. And I can’t lose my job due to this. It’s the only source of income I have.

    • HotlineAdmin_MK says:

      Anon,

      You are right, it is very scary taking the first step, especially trying to make plans and figure out what to do. This is not your fault, and you do not deserve to be abused! You are not alone in this. We are here to provide you with support, to plan with you, and to help you find a safe way to take the steps you want to take. We can talk to you about your options and help connect you to local support and shelters in your area. I know you are fearful because of the horror stories that you have heard, but I want you to know that, despite the sometimes challenging process of finding a safe place to go, help is available. You can call us any time at our 24 hour hotline at 1 (800) 799-7233. There are advocates ready to help you.

      Hotline Advocate MK

      • Karen says:

        Breaking The Cycle Of Abuse
        With GOD’S help, I am working on breaking the cycle of abuse that seems to keep following me….I talk about writing a book, Well just on this chapter of my life, Would be a book….
        What aam I…Other peoples stomping post? I try not to be mean, Or ugly to people….But I am almost thinking, Is this what it will take to make others leave me a lone? Cannot go in to details about all of this.. But since I have walked away from my husband…I have faced so much abuse from others…..
        When my husband was thowing out this abuse on me..I could not speak as I wanted to, Because I knew I was dealing with a crazy man….So I took it, And took it…Only when the boldness of the Holyspirit would come on me, Then there was no fear of what GOD had me to say….But for sure it had to be the leading of the Holyspirit to deal with these devil spirits my husband would come against me with…It is almost like People treat you how they can get by with….And how you let them get by with….
        I stayed in abuse way to long in my marriage, Before I made a stand and said no more….But I do not want to stay in abuse this long ever again with any one…. People can be so ugly..And controlling… With GOD’S help I am breaking the cycle of abuse that seems to follow me….
        Dealing with people is a lot of work….I remember when my husband was being so ugly towards me, And giving me no hope.. I saw myself not caring anymore……I was giving up inside… And becoming like the person I was around most….

        • HotlineAdmin_ND says:

          Hi, Karen:

          Thanks so much for sharing your courageous story. It is never easy to leave an abusive marriage. I commend your hopeful strength and determination. It’s clear that you are a woman of strong faith. Every time your husband abused you, he made a choice. There is never any excuse for one’s husband to be abusive.

          It sounds like you are in the process of recovering from your abusive relationship. I recommend that you take a look at our blog post on Moving On Emotionally After After an Abusive Relationship for ideas on ways that you can continue to support your emotional health and safety: http://www.thehotline.org/2012/05/emotionally-recovering-from-an-abusive-relationship/. I understand that you cannot go into detail about everything. If you want to talk in greater detail privately, I invite you to call us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org from 7am-2am every day. Our services are confidential and anonymous.

          Warm regards,
          Hotline Advocate ND

    • Tammy says:

      Oh it is NOT your fault, not at all! it’s his fault because he CHOSE to abuse. It’s part of his abusive cycle to make you feel bad, guilty, and at fault because he wants control and this is one of his ways of getting it. Abusers say all kinds of horrible things that make us doubt ourselves and start to feel just like you do. It is not your fault.

      • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

        Tammy,

        Thank you for sharing those words of encouragement. It is not fair that victims and survivors feel guilty for someone else’s behaviors.

  5. Shelly says:

    Anon,
    First off…hugs to you! Taking the first steps to leave an abusive relationship is very scary indeed! But with proper support and safe planning you can do it. You are not to blame for any abuse that you have been through, there is not a single thing that you could ever do to deserve to be abused!!! Your abuser is the one and the only one to blame.

    For many years I thought the abuse was my fault because if I didn’t do such and such or if I didn’t trigger him in some way he wouldn’t abuse me. Then I started feeling guilty about leaving him when I started taking the first steps to do so, but I remained strong. I left my abusive marriage of 10 years, I had 3 young daughters and was terrified as to how I
    would make it on my own and raise my daughters. With the help and support of family, friends and a great domestic
    abuse group and counselor I was able to leave my abuser and not look back. It’s now been almost 14 years and I won’t say our lives have always been easy, but I made it and I’m happy and healthy for taking those scary first steps. I hope you also choose to have a happy and healthy life too.

    The best of luck to you!

  6. dee says:

    I just want him to leave, but he won’t. I keep asking myself why does he want to stay with me if all he does is fight me? That’s not love. I’m miserable. I just want out.

    • HotlineAdmin_MK says:

      Dee,

      It must be difficult having to deal with someone who is always fighting you. I know you are feeling miserable in this situation, and that you want out. You deserve to be loved and not abused. I want you to know that you can call us so that we can talk to you about the options you may have in this situation. Please give us a call at our 24 hour hotline at 1 (800) 799-7233. We are confidential and anonymous and are here for you.

      Hotline Advocate MK

    • HotlineAdmin_MK says:

      Anon,

      I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time finding a safe place to stay. I want you to know that you can call out 24 hour hotline, and our advocates can work with you to see what options may be there to help you at this time. Our number is 1-800-799-7233. Please call us so we can discuss how you can stay safe while waiting for shelter.

      Hotline Advocate MK

  7. Robert says:

    Well what about when something bad happens and it prevents you from doing something, So that another person starts telling you your making excuses? Isn’t that equally abusive blaming someone for something they had no power over? Do you think you are God and that you can control all events? So if you get caught in a traffic jam and your late are you making excuses for being late?

  8. Alicia says:

    He blames me for everything. All the time.

    If he chokes, hits, or pushes me around, it’s because I have antagonized him.

    If he accuses me of cheating or calls me names like “whore” or “crazy”, it’s because I lied to him when we first started dating about my one of my previous relationships – and I’ve taken ownership of lying because I know it was wrong, but regardless of how many times I say sorry or take ownership of my previous mistake – I’m still a crazy whore.

    He says I’m sleeping with my business partner because when I went to visit my boyfriend for extended periods of time last summer (he used to live in Illinois and I live in Minnesota), I simply told my partner that I had a “family issue” to resolve. Mainly because it sounded less irresponsible than “I’m shacked with a guy I really like so I’ll be gone for another week.” But he says I did this to “hide” him because of my supposed affair with my business partner, even though my business partner has met him and my abusive boyfriend currently lives with me. My boyfriend accuses me of sleeping with my business partner every time I have to do something involving business. This includes business related phone calls, emails, text messages, or business meetings. My boyfriend has also threatened to inform my business partner’s girlfriend about our supposed “affair”.

    In the last year I have been choked, pushed to the ground, kicked, slammed into walls, punched (he never punches me in the face because he doesn’t want his abuse evident to the general public), called every name in the book, he’s told me to kill myself, he’s threatened to take away our daughter, he’s threatened to kill me, he’s hit me in front of our daughter (she’s an infant), he throws things at me, he broke one of my dining room chairs, tore a hole in my couch, he’s broken my phone twice…all the while telling me I push him to act this way by defending myself with WORDS. If I confide in anyone, he dismisses what I say by calling me crazy or accusing me of being a pathological liar. He also claims anytime he’s put his hands on me has been in self defense or to “restrain” me. He says if I leave with our daughter, he will hunt me down and have me killed. If I leave to go anywhere alone, he texts me nonstop if I’m not back by the time he designates as appropriate for that particular errand and when I return I’m inundated with slurs about my character and fidelity.

    I’m pretty sure he’s going to kill me at some point since he outweighs me by about 100 lbs and there’s really no way for me to leave without him knowing since he’s currently unemployed, always at home, and won’t let me go anywhere alone with our daughter.

    • Alicia says:

      I forgot to add…

      Because of the way he treats me I’ve stopped doing things I would do on a daily basis to avoid making him suspicious. I rarely bathe or brush my teeth, I never wear make-up anymore, I wear baggy t-shirts with long sleeved hoodies or sweaters to hide my bruises, I avoid my friends like the plague, I do everything in my power to avoid leaving the house. Just for the off chance of peace. There’s never any peace though.

      • Toni says:

        I was going through the exact same thing minus the business partner!! I was also not taking care of myself so that he wouldn’t get suspicious!!! It will get worse and it affects your child!!! He won’t get a job because he wants you to take care of him and so he can control you. The longer you stay the more damage your doing to you and your daughter emotionally, mentally, and physically!!! I stayed for ten years and God has given me the strength to get away!!! It’s not easy because you will miss him but if you go back he will tighten his control and blame you for leaving and hurt you bad!!! Another thing is he is a coward he will only fight people he can beat!!! Speaking from experience!!! Once you break the fear which is hard but with God you can do it!!! You will be able to leave and don’t go back because he may try to seriously hurt you because he knows he is a low life!!! Please ask Jesus to give you strength and a way out and have faith I prayed for ten years and I thought The Lord forgot about me and that was how I was suppose to live!!! But he freed me and I want to help other women and children like myself!!! Once you break the mental fear you will be free from the fear he put in you!!! I love you because I know how you feel and exactly what your going through!!! Jesus loves you and your daughter I will pray for you because I know you feel alone but your not alone!!! The journey is hard but well worth it!!! You will get through this because your daughter needs you and you need you!!

        • HotlineAdmin_ND says:

          Thanks so much for sharing your personal experiences with domestic violence with Alicia. It is wonderful that you are a survivor of domestic violence. I understand that you find strength through your personal relationship with Jesus and God. You are absolutely right that domestic violence usually gets worse and when children witness domestic violence, it can affect them negatively. Because each person’s circumstances are so unique, there are lots of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult, dangerous and complicated process. Abusive partners can often become even more violent when their partners attempt to leave. Here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, we are happy to discuss options and offer resources to the address the unique circumstances that victims of domestic face. We welcome anyone experiencing domestic violence to give us a call at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat with us online at http://www.thehotline.org every day from 7am-2am (Central).

          Take care,

          Hotline Advocate ND

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Alicia,

      Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. This sounds like such a scary situation. You’ve described so many strategies that fall into the pattern of an abusive relationship. We know that abuse happens because one person believes they deserve power and control over their partner and use a lot of different tactics to get it, including: isolating them from their support system, turning the blame around, and creating a threatening environment. I hear how much of an effort you’ve made to change the situation, and his behaviors don’t change. That’s how you know that this is not something that is happening because of you. These are choices that he is making. It is completely understandable to feel afraid through all of this, it sounds like its been really dangerous and overwhelming.

      I know it took a lot of courage to reach out to us right now, and I am so glad that you have. Know that at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, advocates are available 24/7 to help brainstorm ways to stay safe through this situation. Give us a call at 1800-799-7233 to talk about your options as well as receive guidance and support from our advocates.

      Until then,
      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  9. no name says:

    the abuse comes from both me and him. were really jealous and we’ve been living together for 1 year and ever since i moved we started getting physically abusive. from my part ive left him scratches and from his part brusies, half a black eye, a nose i cant smell like i used to. tonight things got violent because i told him not to go to sleep yet and i smacked him on the head but not in an abusive way in a playful way and he told me to stop and i laughed and did it 2 more times and he threated to hit me back so i took it as a joke and i did it again and he slapped me in the face so i got really mad and scratched him on his arm and he got up and hit me again and i scratched him again and he pushed me and told me that he wanted to give me a black eye so i told him to do it and i smacked him and he told me to stop and i kept smacking him and he slapped me across the face 4 times and pulled my hair and slapped me again and pushed me. and i grabbed on to his leg and scratched him. all while his 2 younger siblings were in the room. this isnt the first time we’ve fought like this we have had way more worst fights and he always goes crying to his parent saying i hit him like the coward he is. i mean we have our bad times and all but we have good times too but at this point in time we have lost all respect for one another we insult each other on a daily basis over little things. ANOTHER THING IS THAT I KNOW I AM BIOPLAR BUT I HAVENT GOTTEN TO THE DOCTOR… I DONT BLAME THAT ON OUR PROBLEMS. I KNOW THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY REALATIONSHIP AND I HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO JUST LEAVE AND END IT BUT EVERYTIME I GET OVER IT AND WE FORGET IT HAPPENED. I GUESS IM AFRAID OF BEING ALONE AND NOT FINDING ANYONE ELSE BUT IM TIRED OF ALL THIS WHEN I GET IN MY MAD MOOD I JUST HAVE SO MANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. I DO FEEL SOMETHING FOR HIM BUT NOT LIKE BEFORE WERE BOTH 20 YEARS OLD. HIS PARENTS AND FAMILY HAVE HAD TO GET IN OUR FIGHTS HIS SIBLINGS HAVE SEEN IT. I DONT THINK WERE EVER GOING TO STOP ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IM A PROUD PERSON. AND THE BAD PART IS THAT I THINK IM PREGNANT. MY PARENTS DONT KNOW ABOUT US FIGHTING. WE HAVE A PUPPY AND HE MAKES IT EVEN MORE HARDER TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP. I DO TAKE MY INSULTS FAR AND SO DOES HE. I THREATEN TO CALL THE COPS CUZ HES NOT FROM HERE AND HE THREATENS TO CALL IMMIGRATION ON MY DAD. AT THIS POINT IM FED UP BECAUSE I NEVER BRING UP HIS FAMILY WHO ARE ALSO JUST AS ILLEGAL AS MINE BUT I AM FROM HERE. DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      No Name,
      It sounds like you’re in a really overwhelming and confusing situation and have been for some time. It doesn’t sound like you’ve really been able to talk about it. We are a completely anonymous and confidential resource. If you have some privacy to be on the phone, please give us a call any time.
      If you can use the computer privately and safely, you can also chat with us during the week from 9 AM to 7 PM CST.

      Hotline_Advocate KK

  10. ann says:

    In my case I have been with my husband for 2 years and the abuse started early with him choking me, literaly after about two weeks, and I stayed and I feel embarrassed and ashamed and stupid. I don’t wana sound like some stupid girl but I stayed and I am still with him till this day. I want to leave but I love him. I feel ashamed to even say that. He has gotten physical with me many times, very violent sometimes, lots of name calling. He has spit in my face, called me nasty names, kicked me, and it just gets worse. The fighting starts over things so simple, I can say something so innocent and he with loose it, so I often feel like I start it. Whats sad is I am a 41 year old women, so there is no excuse for me to stay, but I do. I feel so ashamed. He will be the nicest man sometimes so I don’t understand. I have left 3 times and I always come back, and he promises to change and be a better person, but never does. I don’t understand why I stay. I feel dumb. why can’t I leave and not come back. I do have places I could go, but I always come back. I am not sure if this is the right place to leave this post but I just needed to talk. Only one person in my life knows the complete truth about my marriage. I love my husband and all I want is happiness and conversation and laughs and comfort and I do not understand why you would hurt someone who you love.

    • HotlineAdmin_VG says:

      Hi Ann,
      I’m sorry that you’re having to live with so much abuse and fear. No one deserves to be treated that way. Most victims of abuse return to the relationship multiple times. It’s hard to leave someone that you love and a relationship that you care about, even when there is abuse. We know a lot of times you have put in so much work and sacrificed so much for the relationship that giving it a second chance feels like the best choice. It’s never ok for anyone to be abusive towards you, but we know abusers will come up with any type of excuse to justify their behavior. Abuse is about power and control. An abuser wants to have all power in the relationship and be able to make most of the decisions. It’s not because you have done anything wrong. You don’t understand why someone would hurt someone they love because it sounds like you are such a kind and caring person. Most people, like yourself, would never intentionally hurt the ones they love.

      You deserve happiness and peace. I encourage you to give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 to help you find resources and create a safety plan. We are here 24/7 and are completely confidential.

      Take care,
      Hotline Advocate VG

  11. amelia says:

    I am all too familiar with a lot of the stories on here. Mine started with him assuming I misspoke and was not willing to hear his help; after I was the one who asked for his help and because I stated to him I tried what he was trying to show me. From there it lead him to sit me down and talk to me about my behavior he felt I had. I was the one who was in the wrong. It was like this for several months. I would apologize for being cranky or having an attitude because I just didn’t understand it. And I didn’t want things to get bad; as the relationship before him I left the first moment the guy broke furniture in the house and choked me and bite my nose. So I didn’t want to cause a stir. Then the first real bad night. I just got tired of being reminded of my mistakes and being told I needed to watch myself and didn’t know my place as the woman in the house; how I needed to stop thinking I was a man. When my strength was what made him fall for me he use to say. That I encouraged him to be more. but then here he was over and over putting me down for my mistakes and reminding me, comparing me to the past of his ex’s, thinking I was trying to destroy him or take everything from him. I finally spoke up and yelled. Got in his face. He shoved me around using his body, then the vase was flying past my head and when he went to the basement I slammed the door behind him which made him fly up the stairs and bust thru the door. From that night many more incidents would happen like that. more things would be thrown on his part, breaking things, him pushing himself up against me, pushing me around. I would yell and would get in his face, begging him to stop…just stop. I would say over and over I love him, and try to hug him just to want affection. It got to where I just lost sense in how to handle anymore; that if he would go outside I would follow him and yell at him, yelling so the whole neighborhood would hear exactly the things he would do to me. Then I just started to go and hide in closets to where he would come to me and call me crazy, either pull me out of the closet or push me back into closet if I tried to get away and around from him. One night that became the scariest for me..I had gone up to the computer room to see how much longer he would be. well he didn’t hear me come up the stairs so when I walked in the room and asked him how much longer he would be; he got very jumpy. shut down the page he was looking at and accused me of sneaking up on him. it made him mad. he said a lot of choice words. which in turn I said my thoughts as he was being very secretive; I walked out of the room and he came flying up at me and pushed me down where I was laying in the doorway of the opposite room, when he came to come at me again I kicked up at him with my feet to keep him from straddling me as he had done numerous times to torture me, when I did this he was at the top of the steps to where it caused him to fall down the steps. My heart dropped as I thought he was seriously injured. He was in pain for a little while but once he gained himself 20 minutes later and I was trying to make sure he was okay as I was sick to my stomach scared in what had just happened. I was only trying to protect myself . but that is when he slung me around several times. the next day I had bruises of all sorts on all parts of my body. there was many moments that were like this. without going into each detail..but we would break up. He would leave. then several months later he would come back and be all sweet. he would never apologize. but I loved the man so much and I felt bad for him in some weird sick way. I let him continue to blame me; because I had yelled always he always felt it was me who had a problem. Why I always came back I am never sure. he would drink and its when things would get bad. I couldn’t leave without him assuming I was going to a boyfriends house as he put it; so I would end up staying. Or if I had a few drinks he said he would call the cops cause I was drinking and driving. because of his service in the military (recruiting) I had followed him as just the girlfriend to areas I knew no one; and had no one close – so it would be hard to call someone. and I always feared if the cops came; as they had been to the house before in arguments they would do nothing because there was never evidence of physical abuse and I felt ashamed it was happening I didn’t want to go through it again. I also felt because I would yell, get in his face, or follow him through the house when he had continued to belittle me with name calling and would continue to just drink to let him know I loved him and that he needed help; I wasn’t belittling him..that it would be used against me. Then after the 2nd time we got back together; I thought if I tried to say anything he would be the one to say he was the one who left the last time because of me yelling. as that is all he ever had on me was me arguing with him and at times wanting to fully have the conversation to resolve the matter that I would not stop talking about the issues at hand and it would get late. and then yet I think of how our arguments were often a result from me asking him to participate in either watching a movie with me or me trying to create a sexy night as he would make comments I didn’t initiate sex. and then when I would he would turn me down and I would feel hurt. so I would ask him why; it would often be because it was late – but I always had to wait to initiate things as he wanted to have a few drinks every night or he had work stuff to work on. then I didn’t always leave and would wait for him to leave the relationship because he made me feel I needed him as I had picked up from my job and family to follow him and his career in the military. after each breakup it would seem he would get relocated to another city; then another state that each time I gave up another job and familiarity to follow him. I wanted to believe. I started to always feel I was the problem. I would go to counseling; trying to find solutions, getting on anti-depressants. and after a break up I would still apologize and let him believe I was the one that needed to change my perception. all it took for him to want me back is for me to say I was sorry; it was my fault, and he would welcome me back. then it would be the same thing over and over. even if I tried to gain control over myself he would push at me by speaking down to me and telling me I had mental issues. blaming my past. this last time I started to find more and more out. he had a history of heavy drinking and hostility. the girl before me who I thought they had a few issues with anger and he almost got in a lot of trouble was in fact not just an argument. he had been charged with aggravated assault. he held a gun to the girls head and held her down and threatened her in so many same ways as he did with me. he just never used a gun. he would hold knifes up to his neck asking me to take his life. for me I was so mentally exhausted that at times I would tell him I wish I was dead; as I was tired of living that way. I even attempted one time to take a bunch of pills; antidepressants. thankfully it did not work. he didn’t care when I tried to tell him just how bad things made me feel. and if I told him I wished I was dead he would just look at me and call me crazy. yes it would seem crazy. he did other things to control the situation. he had turn off all the power to the house via the breaker box, he changed the password to the internet so I could not get on it, he took the box for cable/internet with him when he left the house so I could not use it. he would with hold affection if we had simple arguments. He would uninvited me from family events. he started to keep from me when he would take leave…where then he would just sleep all day and sit around the house doing nothing. sometimes I do feel like I caused issues because it became hard to control my own words. but I know I never called him a disappointment or tell him his family didn’t love him or was embarrassed by him as he would do me. I didn’t mock the fact he couldn’t say words right always, I didn’t mock his accomplishments or things he treasured for having done as he did me. he made me feel guilty for helping my family; all while he always gave into his adult daughter who would never call him that he complained about and gave her whatever she wanted. he would always buy his family expensive gifts to where his brothers you could tell felt embarrassed because they could not afford as much. he would buy me expensive gifts and then in arguments throw it in my face. he would remind me the house was his cause he paid the rent and utilities; though every time he asked me to live with him he told me that was his responsibility and once I found a job if I would take care of groceries. a house I decorated with my money wasn’t our house but his house in arguments. He even blamed me for his car being keyed a week later after it had happened in a parking lot outside of my apartment bldg. before him and I moved back in together. but then 3 months later asked me to live with him. It all never made sense. I am still confused. and now as I am far enough from him 2 wks later and I feel I am safe enough to turn him over to his command for the actions and I wanted to wait til I was somewhere he could not find me or try to influence me otherwise; I have people who believe I should let it go. I enabled him long enough to believe it was okay to do what he did by always apologizing and never holding him responsible for his actions. I know it was because I had some issues with my own self worth as I could not believe it was happening to me again. I was tired of having to admit that something bad had happened. I felt guilty if I hurt his family as they were so genuine with me; and though they knew their son/dad had issues they only stood and looked on. I felt so bad for him because he often would admit he had problem when he would get really drunk and would practically break down; that I just felt so bad for him he was so broken and he was too afraid to change. I didn’t want to take him away from his daughters. I felt guilty.

    • HotlineAdvocate_MT says:

      Dear Amelia,

      What a heart breaking story. I am sorry that you had to go through such ugly, abusive times with your husband. I hope you truly know that none of this was your fault. The fact that he was already charged with aggravated assault in a previous relationship is proof that he is seriously abusive. He even used a gun to frighten his girlfriend. This man shows has proven how dangerous he is.

      Amelia I am glad you have been able to leave him. I hope that you will speak to his military command and whatever department you can access to discuss what has happened to you. Your story exemplifies that your husband is how out of control and a threat to those around him.

      You have nothing to feel guilty about. Abuse is a choice and has consequences. Abuse was his choice, not yours. All you tried to do was be a supportive companion. Unfortunately abusers do not function in a healthy way. They want power and control and will do whatever they can to get that.

      I can imagine that you are still extremely traumatized by all that happened to you. Please call us. There are resources wherever you are at that can help. There is counseling and support groups that will help you get through this difficult time of healing. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233. We are here for you.

      Sincerely,
      Hotline Advocate MT

  12. Unhappyme says:

    I’ve been cheated by my husband when i was pregnant with our first. he took care of the other girl (also pregnant) while he sent me to the US so his parents can take care of me. Now they are all saying that I owe his parents big time for taking care of me and shouldering all the expenses while I was under their care and pregnant. They did that because my husband cannot support me. He took his own sweet time being with the other woman and just showed up when I delivered the baby. What he did cannot be compensated by what his parents did to me. Now all our arguments boil down to what his parents have done for me. All the time! And he kept telling me that it’s part of the past already and that I’ve forgiven him already. Easy for him to say but once you’ve been hurt and cheated on, trust never comes back and all you feel is anger deep inside. Just last night we had a heated argument and for the very 1st time he shouted at my face (1 inch far, the loudest I’ve ever heard) several times and he held my shoulder so tight & shook me. I got hurt so I screamed at him to stop touching me. I admit, I raise my voice at him every time we argue out of anger. His priority is his parents happiness and not mine. Every time his parents talk to him about how they feel about me, he vents his anger on me, that’s why we argue most of the time and it’s always caused by my in laws. I guess I no longer have respect for him. How can you treat someone with respect if he doesn’t respect you at all. Emotionally & physically hurts you and allows his parents to verbally abuse you.

    • HotlineAdmin_AS says:

      Hi Unhappy me,

      It’s normal that your respect and trust is affected when your spouse cheats on you. It must have been incredibly hurtful to have him send you away during your pregnancy and not provide the support you needed. I understand feeling angry about his choices and how you’ve been hurt. Losing the family and future that you imagined having with someone is incredibly difficult.

      It sounds like the situation between the two of you is escalating and becoming more dangerous. No one has the right to put their hands on someone else, or to yell, swear, or put down anyone else. These actions all effect a person’s right to feel safe. You also have the right to decide whether you stay in this relationship. While we can’t make that choice for you, our advocates are here 24/7 if you’d like a safe place to talk. You can reach us at 1-800-799-7233. All calls are kept confidential and anonymous.

      We’re here when you need us.

      Hotline Advocate AS

  13. francine says:

    I have had my suspicions about the man i love however i always end up caving. however it has come to a point now where he insists that i took money from him where i did not. in fact he stated this is the second time i did but he is just brining it up now that i did. we live together. i have no reason to take things. he has hidden items he would purchase of mine and id ask where they were and he would say no idea and then theyd show up in my closet . he has now been witholding love and been mean and tells me until i admit i took money, (I DID NOT TAKE). i have my own money and id ask if i needed it.. that things wont change. he says i am lying and i need therapy. is this someting they do? make things up.. i feel crazy and i have no reasn to. theres a lot of other things b u t i dont know what to do. i stop arguing so im not yelled at. i have a profession and a good heart. i love him. but what do you do in this situation> I have no social media. its my fault always. i gave up all my things to move in with him, and now he says i have to admit i took money from him wallet. i dont get it…any suggestion please????

    • HotlineAdmin_VG says:

      Hi Francine,

      That is such a difficult situation. Abusers can often sound paranoid with all their baseless accusations. They can accuse you of doing things without any proof and force you to admit to things you never did. It sounds like he is playing mindgames and being manipulative. If he gets you to admit to taking his money, even though you never did, then he will be able to use that against you whenever he wants. When you love someone and care about them, it’s hard to accept that they would treat you this way but this is how many abusers act. You haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, this is probably how he acts in all his romantic relationships. You deserve to be treated well and with respect. In a healthy relationship, there’s trust and love. It sounds like you’re willing to work on having a healthy relationship, but it sounds like he is not as willing to put in the work needed. The most important thing in getting an abuser to change is getting them to admit there’s a problem and get help for that problem. Asking for help will be his decision and only he can make it.

      Making decisions about the future of your relationship can be overwhelming and stressful. If you would like to talk to an advocate about your options, please call us at 1-800-799-7233. We’re 24/7, completely confidential and you can remain anonymous.

      Take care,
      Hotline Advocate VG

  14. Momof4 says:

    Hi I am not sure where to begin but I feel hopeless I have zero ability to even “put on a show” so to speak and act happy when I’m around people. I’ve stopped talking to my friends then stopped talking to my family. It’s shame I don’t want to be criticized about how I’ve changed because I didn’t exactly want this change its just all happened. I went from always being early to not getting anywhere literally on time to save my life. My mind is in so many places I’ve had 2 car accidents that were clearly my error nothing major just extremely embarrassing.
    I have a boyfriend who tells me it’s my choice not to have friends and it upsets me but I guess he’s right. He also words things in a way that says I had accidents on purpose and uses it against me as in why should he help me get a bigger vehicle for the children and I since I destroyed the one he gave to me let me use etc it depends on the day which one it is. Always saying he don’t care about the car and he will just sign it over to me and never does n repeatedly brings up what I’ve done to it.
    It wasn’t always this way. He was thoughtful and caring in the beginning he really made it seem like he was a caring compassionate person despite what others had said to me to stop me from getting hurt. He insisted on making our relationship official and I was hesitant because I don’t get into relationships just to end them n will fight to make it work and save face.
    Once it was official and he got what he wanted whatever that was I don’t know. He became u n affectionate and blaming. He never wanted to go out and do the fun things we did when we met and if I brought it up he would tell me I can go whenever I want or we could go when I plan it etc.. it made me so mad that wasn’t the point. It was no longer a team thing. He wouldn’t help me around the house when I asked him and I only ever asked if I was struggling working full time pregnant with a toddler and him always gone. He would say sarcastic stuff about how he helps but not on my time. He would get mad a me for needing to be places at certain times n say it was my time as if I could control it. Being pregnant n starving for love and affection I blamed myself he even took sec away saying we didn’t need it in our lives. Not only did I not have a hand to hold but I didn’t have him even pretending to care about me by having sec with me as if I wasn’t good enough for that either. I lost weight my whole pregnancy but I tried to gain it I tried hiding I cried to him te)ING him how he was hurting me and our son and he proceeded to tell me I was ungrateful and should be happy he helps pay bills and gets mad when I tell him that’s not what I got with him for an I enjoy working so if he could help more I’ll work more and pay the bills. He tells me that is bulls hit that he makes more money so it makes more sense for him to work more than me.
    Our son is almost 18 months old and he is still saying the same shit to me I’ve lost contact with everyone I’ve lost my dependability with those who once trusted me to be on time. I’ve asked him to just leave so many times and he won’t he tells me if I would just be nice or do this or that it get better. The sad part is I’ve tried everything he says word for word and he will still say I didn’t do it. I’m tired I’m hurt my life has no comfort no meaning anymore yet I don’t know what to do. I went fro. Talking to crying to yelling every time he degrades me begging him to stop and just leave that he he says I’m abusing him by yelling and I get so mad I pass out. My blood pressure gets so high I’ve repeated myself so many times and everything is still all about him. Am I really that abusive for yelling without even meaning to yell? It’s a defensive reaction to being provoked I know that’s not an excuse but whenever he is around I don’t speak or look his way and it takes me forever to answer him if he speaks to me because I don’t know what answer he wants said to keep him from degrading me and then I get defensive and it happens all over agaon. He makes fun of me oh ur so abused I do nothing for u… it hurts I’m lost I’m starting to believe I’m crazy because I can’t control how I feel and I can’t hide it anymore. Thanks for any advice

  15. ANNA says:

    My husband is a serial cheater but always wants to change and forget about the past when his infidelity is fount out. The last time he again was very sad to loose his family and promised once again to be faithful, only to step over the line again . When I confronted him he started to yell and scream and wanted to leave the house. I was so angry and I lost control and started to hit him on his arm. I am not an abusive person at all, in fact I shy away from any confrontation and feel absolutely ashamed. I know there is no excuse for this but I just lost it and have little memory about what happened. He is a big man and I am half his weight so I could not hurt him but I feel terrible. He gets angry and out of control very easily but has never been physically abusive. Now he says he left because I “abused” him but will not acknowledge that his cheating caused all of this. I will not take him back and has apologized to him, I just hope that I will never go that far again. Has this happened to anyone?

    • HotlineAdmin_AS says:

      Hi Anna,

      Thank you for sharing your experiences with our online community. Experiencing repeated infidelity is incredibly hurtful and can be a type of sexual and emotional abuse. It must have been so hard to have your husband promise to make different choices time and again, but then continue to make the same choices as before. He doesn’t have the right to become verbally abusive and yell at you when you find out about his infidelity. You have the right to be safe and have respectful, healthy conversations.

      I hear that you’re struggling with the situation and your reaction. It takes a lot of courage to be honest and take responsibility for our choices. You’re right that there’s never a valid reason to be violent with someone, and it can be difficult to distinguish between initiating abusive behavior and reacting in self defense. If you’d like to talk about the situation more, please know that our advocates are available 24/7 by phone at 1-800-799-7233. We can also help you find local resources if you thinking that counseling or a support group would be helpful.

      We’re here when you need us.

      Hotline Advocate AS

  16. Tahlia Willams says:

    I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 5 years and I honestly don’t remember a time when he had respect for me. Since high school he has been treating me terribly and I guess its my fault for bringing a child into the situation. I am 21 and he just turned 22 our son is 3. I never go out with my friends anymore because when i do “i just want to go out and be a hoe” and when i do he acts like i had sex with someone on the dance floor. My friends hate him and don’t want me with him at all I don’t know what to do , before I had my son i was so insecure I used to do everything and anything for him and he would still disrespect and fool around on me. It may sound weird but apart of me feels like i deserved it like i didn’t deserve respect and love. The first 3 years of our relationship was terrible he could never keep a job was so jealous always telling me what not to wear accusing me of cheating and wanting other guys and i couldn’t understand because iv never cheated on him or gave him a reason so feel like I was that type of girl. Of course I’ve dealt with other people but it was never while we were together although he has done this plenty of times to me back then. Hes faithful now for whatever its worth and wants a reward for that but that’s when the bigger problems started. Apart of me feels so stupid for writing this like who would of thought I would be considering myself a victim of abuse from what I know abuse is someone punching you in the face and really beating you up and it hasn’t come to that yet the most physical abuse i ever got was a few scratches choked and pushed around but never extreme. I feel like i have to say something i cant take it anymore and it cant be normal he humiliates and intimidates me all the time any secret i have ever told him he blurts it out in front of my family or whoever is around he curses in front of them calls me names in front of my son constantly calls me a bitch and hoe and says i bring this side out of him and i always say ” well if you feel that way about me why don’t you leave me alone ? I’ve been trying to learn what makes him tick and try to avoid it and its not just me he explodes on everyone every time i try to tell him to calm down he says “i don’t have his back i’m taking up for other people and fuck me i’m a dumb ass” even when i’m trying to wake him up for work he starts the name calling. Its sad because there is another side to him the one that i love the one that takes care of me when i’m sick takes me out and is a great father but in a split second he turns into a monster , i don’t even like to accept gifts from him because he always winds up breaking them he punches holes in the walls slamming doors and its to the point that i am really scared i’m scared that i cant leave. i am always falling for the side of him that is loving. but after all the letdowns i feel like i’m becoming just like him mean and i never want to have sex with him i don’t even like to kiss him or him touching me at times. Through him i was introduced to weed and when we smoked that’s the only time i wouldn’t mind being intimate and we were really happy together now since I’ve stopped i realized that i’m falling out of love with him he always asked “why i’m so withdrawn from him and don’t want to have sex” he curses me out when i don’t want to have sex .How can i love someone who emotionally abuses me? its to the point where i don’t even know if i love myself anymore i’m always depressed i’m getting fat i don’t care about any of my goals i feel like my life is over like it doesn’t matter because i’m always going to be stuck hoping he will change he always says he will get help and when things are good he forgets about his promises and starts right back up again. i am no saint but i don’t deserve this I’ve never seen any of the men i love treat me or there wives like this why me ? all i want is to be loved and protected . My father is like superman to me and i always pictured my man to be the same way but hes the opposite hes always showing me how weak he is by the way he treats people and reacts to situations he can never keep his composure and when i’m upset he will yell at me and argue like a girl instead of just saying shut up hug me. My dad doesn’t think i’m safe with him because he is very immature .I remember a time when i was young and my mom was being physically abused, I’ve never felt hate like that in my heart towards someone i got a knife and tried to kill him , i never want my son to feel like that about his father or anyone else. I feel like my son will hate me if i leave he loves his father but he hates when he yells and is mean so will he hate me more if i stay ? iv read all your story’s and i see how things escalate .how long before it becomes physical ? how long before it trickles down to my son ? how long before i’m dead?

    • HotlineAdmin_MCo says:

      Tahlia,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you have been through an incredibly abusive situation. This is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to force him or make him be abusive. He is choosing to be abusive in order to have power and control over you. One thing we say here very often is that abusive people will constantly accuse you of cheating and this is an excuse that he uses to control you. This is not okay. At all. There doesn’t need to be punches and kicks for a relationship to be abusive and choking is very, very serious. Emotional abuse is also serious. It sounds like you have been doing all you can to survive and that is amazing. I want you to know that you deserve to be safe, you deserve to be with someone who will treat you with love and respect. You do not need to put up with that if you don’t want too. Your safety and the safety of your son is the most important thing here.

      I would encourage you to give us a call at 1 (800) 799-7233. We are completely confidential/anonymous and we are here 24/7. We can talk to you about your situation, develop a plan for your safety and then get you connected to any local resources that can help. You don’t have to do this alone.

      Until then,
      Hotline Advocate MC

  17. MM says:

    I recently invited three colleagues to my house. Professional associates who support my career and are also friends. My husband always treats them like friends when we see them, or when they invite us over. I cleaned the house and arranged for them to come over for about an hour to help me with my work. When I told my husband they were dropping by, he threw a fit and told me to cancel. He said it was unacceptable. He sent me twenty-five emails telling me to cancel. When I refused, he emailed them and said he was sick, lead them to believe he had the flu, and apologized for having to cancel. He wasn’t sick. He only wanted to regain control over the situation. I feel embarrassed and hopeless. I was looking forward to their company and support. I would like to have a welcoming house and a joyful place for our child. He says that the problem was I “did it wrong.” I was supposed to go about this a different way. I had to get his permission first. I had to let him know first. (I arranged it spontaneously when we needed a place to meet.) Once he’d told everyone he was sick, we had to meet down the street, in a public place which was loud and intrusive. The meeting took about an hour total. He says the problem is I don’t consider his feelings. But I do. I have had very few people over in the past ten years of our marriage. I feel he undermines my personal and professional life. I feel his control issues are abusive. But when he insists that I just neglect his feelings and that this is hurtful to him, that I am “unkind,” I do start to wonder if this is my fault. Thoughts?

    • HotlineAdvocate_MT says:

      Dear MM,

      This is not your fault. You are exactly right that abusers want power and control over you and familial situations. They are very good at confusing you by saying you did something wrong and telling you it should have been done a different way. In a healthy relationship couples work as a team and each person’s needs are respected. You have every right to want a welcoming home and a joyful place for your child.

      Please call us when you are having these difficult times. We want to support you in any way we can. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233.

      Always,
      Hotline Advocate MT

  18. Rhonda says:

    I stumbled across this during a google search for my situation. I read all the comments and felt the courage to vent, maybe someone else who could relate or understand. Although he has never physically touched me, there’s still a lot of emotional and mental damage. We have been married for 8 years and its been a constant cycle. I am to the point of even questioning my existence. He controls everything in my life. He bought our home without talking me, as well as expensive cars and other things. I dont have access to his money, but I get accused of spending it. Even when i get groceries with the money get gives me, he finds fault in that. I cant accept a gift from him because it will be used against me later. He calls me every name in the book almost daily. He has never apologized to me for any hurt hes caused. He believes I deserve it. At times, i dont have the strength to fight him or stand up for myself, and i end up crying. Every single time, he tells me i am crazy and not normal. He tells the kids that “mommy is crazy and needs to be committed”.-all for the sake of expressing a natural human emotion. I have been in and out of therapy for 8 years in hopes i can change to make him happy. He has kicked me and our kids so many times. He withholds sex and affection all the time. Ive spent the last 8 years believing him when he says i am worthless and useless. He accuses me of being violent, even though I have never ever touch anyone or behaved in such a way of the accusation. I learned even playing around with him, he sees it as violent behavior. I never know what mood he will be in day to day. I try to avoid him when i sense a bad mood. He tells me i am an embarrassment. Even though we dont go anywhere or have anyone over.
    Last year, he moved his mother in-without even discussing it with me. Its been pure hell. He’s given her complete control over the house and my things. He told me i dont get any say so in anything since him and his mom make money and i dont. I am a stay at home mom and a student. Its to the point where me and our 4 kids are isolated in our bedroom 24/7. He tells me i am a horrible mother all the time-esp in front of the kids. I told you that hes kicked us out? well he kicked us out last christmas because i confronted him about this living arrangement with his mother. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and it wasnt the first or second time hes kicked us out. Because of the cycles, he reels me back in….so i came back. Then he emailed me stating it was a mistake that we came back for him and his mother were happier while we were gone. She does not help out financially, and refuses to help herself. So i have to drive her anywhere she wants. She doesnt even consider 4 kids who have to wait on her. If i dont, then she “tattles” on me and it turns into a fight that leads him calling me names and telling me i am useless and worthless. They both speak english, but will only speak spanish in front of me. I get accused of “disrespecting” her all the time.
    Since shes been here, any celebration, holiday, birthday, mothers day and anniversary has been horrible. Last mothers day, he forewarned me that i will not be celebrated…and he stuck to his word.
    I come from a loving background. My parents have been madly in love for 47 years. I was taught to respect and love without condition. Since his mother has been here, I see where he learned his behavior. He has 2 sisters who want nothing to do with this woman. I see why now. She was abusive to them. She favored my husband, but she did damage. Both his sisters grew up to be awesome young women, despite this dysfunction. His younger sister reached out at 17 to a lady in their church and she got her out of the house. She later put herself through college and is now a social worker to help girls like her.. His sisters both are kind, sweet, respectable…..how and why he chooses to behave and treat me like this i dont know. It’s exhausting taking responsibility for his actions. His choices.
    He only teats me this way. he is likable and loveable and treats everyone else with kindness…i always felt hes taken revenge out on me, even though i have never done anything to him. Thinking back, this marriage has worked out probably because ive apologized everytime…for things i didnt have to apologize for, but he makes me.
    He works from home a lot, but he also travels> when he travels, he turns his phone off and doesnt even reach out to me….he only talks to me when its about it. If i want to talk to him or tell him about my day, he has an excuse in and to get off the phone so quickly that he doesnt even give me a chance to say bye.
    I wanted to reach out to someone, but have to be discreet, calling is sometimes not an option. I was so sad for so long. Now i cant feel. I hate myself more than i hate him.

    • HotlineAdmin_VG says:

      Hi Rhonda,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes so much courage to reach out and ask for help. It sounds like your abuser learned his behavior from his mother and has chosen to continue this cycle of abuse with you. It must be so frustrating and overwhelming to have him and his mother be abusive towards you and your children. Even though he is accusing of doing so many wrong things, there is not truth to it. Abusers always try to justify their behavior by saying you somehow deserve to be treated that way. In order to gain power and control, an abuser tries to break you down and make you feel inferior. They make you feel like you can’t trust your own judgment and they try to turn others against you, including your children. Abusers also refuse to take your wants and needs seriously, so they often make decisions without consulting you even if it’s a decision that affects you. One thing to always keep in mind is that you do not deserve to be abused. No one ever has the right to treat you with such disrespect and cruelty. You and your children deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home.

      I’m so glad you reached out and I would encourage you to continue to seek support. We understand that you may not always have an opportunity to call and that is okay. Our chat is available everyday from 7am-2am. If you do have a chance to call, our advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Both the chat and the hotline are completely confidential and you can stay anonymous.

      Take care,
      Hotline Advocate VG

  19. Lori Anne says:

    He has been an on-again-off-again boyfriend for 8 years. It is not physically damaging although it has come close. I love him but he always yells at me. I am 50 and I have MS (not really too bad except for has fatigue). Over the past 4 years I put on about 40 pounds but I’m going to gym as much as possible. He goes with and says the trainers are clowns and he could do better. He walks around with a scowl on his face and treats his mother and grandmother mean, too. Our cycle: We are together for a short time (he goes to the gym with me) but continually yells at me saying I’m fat, have no friends, a ‘c’ word, yelling ‘f’ you. I then attempt to end the relationship and he calls ans texts horrible things. I then block his number. He tries from other phones. I duck him. He apologizes, I fall for it and then it starts all over again. Nice then bullying then me leaving. This is not good for my condition. I’m getting too old for this. I need to know – does he love me? We live apart. I just don’t know. I think I should cut him loose. This sounds so petty compared to everyone else…

    • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

      Hi Lori Anne,

      Thank you for reaching out to us. That sounds like a really difficult and upsetting situation. I am sorry to hear that you are going through that. Your boyfriend has no right to insult you or to put you down. Emotional abuse is serious and hurtful, your situation is not petty at all. You deserve to be treated with respect. From what we know, abuse is about power and control. When he apologizes and behaves nicely, this is part of the abuse as well because it is a form of emotional manipulation that makes it more difficult to leave the relationship. Our advocates are always here to support you in figuring out your next steps. I encourage you to call us at 1-800-799-7233. We are available to talk 24/7.

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. That takes a lot of courage.

      Take care,

      Hotline Advocate RG

  20. Amellia says:

    I am a 22 yr old female and my boyfriend is 20. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, and friends for three. After all this time, he gets very jealous of me and thinks all my guy friends “like me”. He feels that some of our mutual guy friends only invite us to go out because they like me. Last night, one of them invited us to go play pool and I said that I would like to go. My boyfriend claimed that they only wanted to hang out with us because they secretly like me. I told him no, to stop being negative. After back and forth bickering, he threw me off the chair I was sitting on, got in my face as I laid on the floor, and yelled to the top of his lungs in my face “Nick likes you, yes he does, see that”. I waited for him to stop screaming at me. I quickly got up and tried to leave his house, but he kept holding me back from leaving. I yelled for help, and to let me go. I finally escaped and ran down the block. The next day he text me. He tells me he is sorry and what he did was wrong but he kept trying to justify the fact that he “did not struck me or attempted to, by any means”. As if he were trying to justify what he did. I don;t know what to think at this point. I don’t know if I should give him another chance. He has never blown up like that on me before, he is normally a calm person. He obviously becomes very mean when he is angry during arguments, but never to this extent. I am also his first girlfriend ever.

    • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

      Hi Amellia,

      That sounds really scary! Your boyfriend had no right to yell at you, throw you off your chair, or prevent you from leaving. Those are all forms of abuse. There is never an excuse for someone forcibly putting their hands on you. From what we know, abuse is about power and control. It is not okay for your boyfriend to try and control who you talk to or see. Most people experience anger and jealously and everyone is responsible for handling their own emotions in a constructive manner. In a healthy relationship, both partners trust each other to decide for themselves who they talk to and spend time with. It can be really hard to decide what to do next and our advocates are always here to provide support and discuss options. If you would ever like to reach out, advocates are available everyday from 7am to 2am CST on chat and 24/7 by phone at 1-800-799-7233.

      Take care,
      Hotline Admin RG

  21. That guy says:

    It’s hard to admit as a man to being in an abusive marriage but this is now the second marriage where I have abuse going on. Albeit not physical it is very emotional to the point of feeling there is no other way. I feel trapped and can’t just walk away. Where do I turn with no family or resources and being disabled. I am constantly ridiculed in front of her family and always she says she is sorry.

    • HotlineAdmin_MT says:

      That Guy,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. Abuse can happen to anyone regardless of their gender, age, etc. and I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. Whether it’s physical or not, abuse is never acceptable and you deserve support. It certainly sounds like a difficult situation that would be best served by communicating with you directly. If you would like to call us at 1-800-799-7233, or live chat with us at http://www.thehotline.com, we would be happy to discuss your concerns and offer some strategies.

  22. Sophia says:

    Myself and my boyfriend of two years have gone through a lot over the past six months. We have always had a great relationship but this summer when I was on a trip with family he cheated on me and continued to lie about it for 4 months. The only reason I had suspicions that something was going on was because of best friend continued to speak her opinion. When I would question him calmly he would raise his voice and turn the situation around on me or change the subject and turn it onto something I had done that made him unhappy. For the first time in our relationship I was beginning to see him in a new light, as an angry, argumentative manipulative and condescending person, . Once he came “clean” I later found out that he made up a situation that was only 1/3 of what happened which reopened the problem. By that time it had been six months of me calmly trying to understand and communicate. I felt completely drained from the situation and our relationship. After taking a few weeks to myself we decided to give it a try. For the first time in my life I have become physical (pushing or slapping him), he has never been physical towards me. The first time I did it I was so upset and shocked. It has happened around three times and every time it is when we are drinking heavily. I hate that I have resorted to this but given the circumstances of our relationship sometimes I feel that that is the only way to express my frustrations. I cannot continue reacting in a physical way. I want a healthy relationship with him because when things are good we have the best time together. Do you have any suggestions for things I can work on?

    • HotlineAdmin_MT says:

      Sophia,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you’re in a difficult and upsetting situation, and it may be something that would be best to talk with you directly about. We would be happy to work with you on some possible options and strategies for dealing with this situation. We’re available 7am-2am by live chat at http://www.thehotline.org, or 24/7 by phone at 1-800-799-7233.

  23. Simon says:

    I need help.. I am in a relationship with a girl.. She is trustworthy and good.. But i have been doubting and questioning everything.. I have false impressions in my mind about her.. But she is so good.. I know it but still argue and fight with her.. My mind is corrupted… I don’t want to lose her or hurt her with my words and actions.. Please help me..

    • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

      Simon,

      Thank you for reaching out to us. It is commendable that you have identified some red flags in your own behavior and are committed to working towards a healthy relationship. Our advocates are always available to support you in this endeavor. I encourage you to contact us directly so that we can help you explore options and next steps. Please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org from 7am-2am (CST) every day.

      Sincerely,
      Hotline Advocate RG

  24. Terrell says:

    In my case.. Me and my girlfriend has been going out for a year. She has never been able to keep promises to me, whether big or small. So in a way of allowing her to gain my trust i allowed her to make little promises to me, and she would end up breaking those. In result i would get upset and angry for a few days because it would hurt me to know i cant even trust her with those things. She recently came up and told me she was sending pictures of herself to her ex. I knew i never ever been able to keep her trusted because how she treats me but no matter what I do, I always give it to her. She says she did it because she needed attention from me, but I gave her all my attention unless she upset me. She always and forever will claim that I’m not there but, every single day i “slaved” to show her that i love her and that I care about her needs. When i request love and compassion she would make it about her. She began to show me and confess to me about her emotions toward me but she still never could keep a promise or a swear at that. I am hurting right now, Please help me.. Was i wrong? she made it seem like it was my fault. What do i do? I’m looking for help from anyone. ——————————————————————————– Send me responses please. I have nothing else, i sacrificed my family, my friends and my own enjoyment for this girl. She is the first girl I was ever in love with. Yes i am young, but the pain might as well hurt like I am 35.

    • HotlineAdmin_LC says:

      Hi Terrell

      Thank you for contributing to our blog community. It hurts when someone you care about and what to build a healthy relationship with is not treating you or the boundaries of the relationship with respect. You deserve to be in a relationship where you can trust your partner and be able to have a fulfilling life outside of the relationship. Being expected to let your family, friends, and your own happiness suffer to be part of a relationship is never something that happens in a healthy relationship. I had to remove a portion of your response because it violated our community standards by including identifying information. If you are wanting to talk to an advocate about what you are experiencing, we are here 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 and reachable on chat from 7am to 2am CST.

      Take Care,

      Hotline Advocate LC

  25. Jason says:

    Wow, i feel like this is for women only. I guess ill leave this page and try to “man up” the next time she’s drunk and throws shit at me. Call the cops? hahahaha they’ll laugh at me, again. No wonder male suicide rate is up, maybe there’s support for men in there? HA lets see.

    • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

      Hi Jason,

      I’m so sorry to hear that your partner is throwing things at you. That is really scary and she has no right to do that or to be abusive in any way. Unfortunately, many men experience abuse from an intimate partner (about 1 in 7). The examples of emotional abuse given in this article are absolutely applicable to a heterosexual relationship where the woman is the abuser. These abusive dynamics can exist between people of any gender. What you are experiencing is serious and you deserve support. I encourage you to reach out to us directly. We would be happy to discuss your concerns and offer some resources that might be helpful. Please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org Monday through Friday, 9am-7pm CST.
      Take care,
      Hotline Advocate RG

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. […] at couples counseling because of an abusive partner’s focus on manipulating the sessions to place blame, minimize the abuse, and attempt to win over the therapist to their side. If the therapist tries to hold the abusive […]

  2. […] at couples counseling because of an abusive partner’s focus on manipulating the sessions to place blame, minimize the abuse, and attempt to win over the therapist to their side. If the therapist tries to hold the abusive […]

  3. […] The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Blame Shifting and Minimizing: There If you read this page and then re read your own posts you are minimizing and blame shifting which is typical of batterers. How can you expect to control him and fix him when you cannot even control yourself? __________________ "Nobody realizes some people expend tremendous energy to be normal." Albert Camus […]

Comments are closed.