Sex can be an important part of any romantic relationship. Healthy sexual behaviors can help create a connection between you and your partner and can be another way of showing how you feel towards your romantic partner. When it comes to sex, it is important to trust your partner, understand what consent is, and have open and honest communication about sex. Part of talking about sex, especially in a heterosexual relationship, includes talking about contraceptives or birth control.

Most often, when people reach out to us to talk about sex, they have questions about what consent is, and whether the sexual behaviors they are experiencing are considered as sexual abuse or not. Some forms of sexual abuse are more clear – such as   – while others are less noticeable, such as stealthing.

So, what exactly is stealthing?

Stealthing is “the non-consensual condom removal” before or during sexual intercourse. This is a form of reproductive coercion, which is defined as threats or acts of violence against a partner’s reproductive health or reproductive decision-making. Condoms are a common form of birth control, and the non-consensual removal of a condom could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

This decision is rooted in one partner’s desire for control and wanting the power to determine if their partner potentially gets pregnant or not. An unexpected pregnancy could be a way for a partner who is abusive to manipulate their partner into staying in the relationship. Using the child as leverage, they may discuss the importance of keeping the family together or their desire to have children.

In a healthy relationship, you and your partner should talk about what form of contraceptive you wish to use. Since this is different for each person, having open and honest communication is crucial to make sure everyone is on the same page. That decision should be made consensually, and any changes to the plan need to be discussed and agreed upon by everyone involved. Trust is important so you can feel comfortable that your partner will stick with the agreed upon plan.

Getting support

Talking about any type of abuse can be uncomfortable. This is especially true when it comes to sexual abuse and behaviors that are not often talked about, such as stealthing. If you have experienced stealthing, taking steps to protect your physical and emotional self is crucial. Part of that involves understanding different types of sexual abuse and knowing who you can talk to.

You can text “START” to 88788, call us at 1.800.799.7233, or chat with an advocate. We’re always here for you.

While often portrayed as a magical, happy time, pregnancy — with the associated physical, emotional, social, and financial changes — can be challenging, even with a supportive partner in a healthy relationship. Because an abusive partner may see the unpredictability of pregnancy as an opportunity to increase power and control, if you’re pregnant, it’s important to think about how to stay physically, emotionally, and financially safe during pregnancy.

If you need help accessing prenatal care, you may get more information by contacting 211. This local service is available in most communities. You can also sign up for Text4Baby, a free service that sends tips about staying healthy during pregnancy through your child’s first birthday. If you have concerns about not being insured, you may be able to get insurance through the Affordable Care Act (ACA). Domestic violence survivors can enroll at healthcare.gov anytime using the Special Enrollment Period (SEP).

Staying safe during pregnancy

During pregnancy, your center of gravity shifts and your joints loosen to allow for easier childbirth. This can make getting around harder. If you live with an abuser, consider mapping the safest routes out of the home or apartment from the rooms where you spend the most time. Try avoiding rooms with weapons, hard surfaces, and areas near stairs. If driving is becoming difficult, consider identifying some safe people to contact if you need transportation. Keeping taxi or bus fare stowed in a packed bag may be another way to get out quickly if needed.

Emotionally safe during pregnancy

Protecting and maintaining your emotional energy during this time is also important and closely linked to your physical safety, as stress can adversely impact your pregnancy. Creating a self-care plan is one way to achieve this. Some people use prenatal yoga, walking in nature, journaling, art, or spending time with loved ones as part of their self-care.

Social connections during pregnancy

Creating social connections with other parents is particularly important during pregnancy. Meetup.com is a website where you can connect with a group of parents expecting children with a due date close to yours.

Other parenting and social media websites may have similar groups to find support and connections. If finding a group online doesn’t fit your needs, you could ask your healthcare provider about classes or programs for expecting parents.

Seeking a counselor’s support may be an additional way to get perspective during this time. The Hotline can provide information about local domestic violence programs that offer counseling and support groups. If you’re looking for counselors specializing in other areas, GoodTherapy is a website that assists in finding a local counselor. It also offers articles and resources on issues that impact emotional well-being, including during pregnancy.

Financially safe during pregnancy

Pregnancy is also a time when financial and legal options shift. Knowing your rights around these issues is the first step to creating a plan to protect yourself and your newborn child. While workplaces may differ in their support for pregnant employees, they must follow specific employment laws.

The Department of Labor’s Women’s Bureau has a website where you can review your rights during pregnancy and as a parent. Some state domestic violence coalitions also have dedicated projects that support protecting yourself financially. One great example is the Economic Justice Project of the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence called Get Money, Get Safe. This project offers general tips for domestic violence survivors on banking, credit, and other issues.

Knowing your custody options can also be confusing. This is especially true if you have several plans for you and your future child’s safety. WomensLaw offers a wealth of legal information including, custody information and parental kidnapping laws searchable by state.

Safety planning during pregnancy

Safety plans are not one size fits all. Each person has a right to safety and to define how that will look, and these suggestions are not meant to serve as a guarantee or a direction. At The Hotline, you are the foremost expert in your situation. Contact us anytime for safety planning assistance.

The period immediately following childbirth can be immensely joyful for new parents. It is also often overwhelming to deal with the care of a new baby and adapt your lifestyle to what that entails. For parents with an abusive partner, this time is often a period of escalated stress and danger. Some studies have shown that experiencing abuse is a risk factor for postpartum depression and other postpartum mental health issues, so it may be helpful to share incidents of emotional, verbal and physical abuse with your prenatal healthcare provider so they can help you identify preventive measures for the postpartum period. You may also want to consider researching information on symptoms and support, as well as how to focus on your safety during postpartum. Postpartum Support International has a wealth of information, including a page on pregnancy and postpartum mental health and a local support search.

Your body will also be readjusting physically after pregnancy. After your body goes through childbirth, you will need a period of healing before engaging in sexual activity. Your doctor, nurse or midwife may advise you about this length of time depending on your birth experience. Your abusive partner may try to reassert power and control by dismissing or downplaying these recommendations using guilt, threats or even forcing sex before you are ready. These behaviors are sexual abuse and can create health issues or an extended healing period for you. Contacting your healthcare provider or a domestic violence program about these incidents may allow you to create a safety plan to increase your sexual and physical safety during this period. Examples of strategies you may use could include:

• A support person staying in your home during the length of your healing;
• Staying with your baby at a supportive family member or friend’s home or a shelter while you heal;
• Sleeping in a separate part of the home from the abuser;
• Adjusting your sleep schedule to times when your partner is away from the home;
• If you are concerned that your partner is trying to get you pregnant again, identifying safe and undetectable contraceptive methods that don’t interfere with your child feeding choices.

As always, you know your situation the best, and these suggestions are not recommendations, but ideas for possible exploration if you think they could increase your safety.

As advocates, we use tools called Power and Control Wheels to discuss different types of abuse. There is even a Power and Control Wheel specific to the pregnancy and postpartum period. One of the sections on the original wheel is Using Children, and these tactics during this period can be especially impactful. It’s common for new parents to have to negotiate their preferences for child raising with one another.

For many first-time parents, childbirth is an exciting yet frightening event. While there are many ways to prepare yourself for the birth of your child, everyone has a different version of the perfect birth, so these steps will vary from person to person.  Some people create a birth plan to outline what they would like to happen during and immediately following birth. Planning a safe childbirth can include measures for your physical, emotional, and financial safety if you are also concerned about the impact or role of an abusive partner during the birth.

Planning a Safe Childbirth

As you are creating this plan, consider the allies that you will have available during the birth. If you plan to give birth at a hospital, doctors and nurses will likely be present during much of your labor process. If you are giving birth at a birthing center or at home, you may have a midwife present. Depending on your prenatal care options, you may have been able to inform these professionals about your concerns about the abuse. If not, contacting the professionals beforehand and planning some items to add to your birth plan for safety may be a possibility. You also might have a professional like a doula for support at the birth. Birth doulas provide support at hospitals, birth centers or home births, and unlike a doctor or nurse who may be supporting several patients and present only during certain parts of labor, your doula will stay with you throughout your labor process. Though doulas may not have training in domestic violence or supporting someone who is experiencing abuse, you still may be able to reach out to them for added support during your labor. While doula costs may not be covered by insurance, some doulas may be able to provide services pro bono or on a sliding scale. If you do not have a birth doula, you may want to identify a family member or friend to take on the role of labor support. When considering who to ask, keep in mind that you may want someone who will safety plan with you as opposed to for you.

Energy and Focus

Even if you have a c-section planned in advance, that’s a major surgery that deserves your full attention. No matter your birth plan, it’s important that you be able to fully access your reserves without having distractions. If you feel like your abusive partner or ex-partner will attempt to prevent you from taking necessary steps for a safe and stress-free birth, consider adding strategies to your birth plan that will refocus and energize you. Different strategies work for different people, so practice these in advance to see what is most effective for you. These include movement exercises, breathing exercises, guided meditation or relaxation narratives, listening or singing to music and repeating positive affirmations. The key is that you are able to stay relaxed and positive.

Caution and Discretion

If you have left the relationship, or go into labor while your partner isn’t present, you may determine that preventing them from finding out that you are giving birth is the safest thing for you and your child. You may be able to do this by only alerting your labor support person when you go into labor, and ensure that they know to not share this information with anyone else. When determining where you will give birth, you may want to consider whether your partner or ex knows your due date, and if they will try reaching out to area hospitals, birth centers or your support network to try find you. Once you determine a plan, let the staff at the place where you give birth know to alert you if someone tries looking for you, as well as to not provide any information about your presence or status. Give them a picture of your partner/ex, and ask that staff alert you if anyone matching their description is reported in the area. If you are giving birth outside the home, you may want to take a cab or have a friend or family member take you in a vehicle that your partner/ex will not recognize. When you leave the facility, ask your labor support to check the parking lot to ensure that your partner/ex is not waiting for you. While it is understandable that you would want to share information of your birth with social networks, consider safety before sharing updates or information. Pictures online can often be viewed by friends of friends, even if the abuser is blocked. If family and friends visit, ask them to wait on posting any photos that they take with you or the baby until after you’ve returned home.

Reducing Stress

You may need to have a plan for staying safe with the abuser present during labor as well. Creating activities to occupy your partner, like asking them to contact family and friends or pick up items from the store if they are distracting you, may be one strategy to create space for you to focus. As part of your safety measures in your birth plan, you could determine a code word to use with your doctor, nurse, midwife, doula or other labor support to alert them if you are feeling unsafe and would like your abuser removed from the room. You could also have a friend or family member stay with your partner to prevent them from interrupting your focus during childbirth. Brainstorming other strategies ahead of time is key because you will want your full energy to go towards ensuring a safe and peaceful birth. Even if your partner has limited your birth planning options, you may be able to mentally prepare yourself by researching childbirth and making a personal safety and self-care plan for each stage. Obtaining access to a phone to dial 911 in the case that your partner has prohibited you to leave the home to have the baby may be one part of an emergency safety plan. Identifying a room where you feel most safe and relaxed to labor, and preparing it in advance with the items and materials that you will need is another strategy to reduce stress during labor without external support.

Whatever your circumstance or needs, The Hotline is available to help you in planning a safe childbirth. Whether that’s identifying local options or national resources that may enhance your safety, developing a personalized safety plan that helps you maintain your reserves for childbirth, or providing emotional support and validation during the last phase of pregnancy.

Written by Rebecca, a Hotline Manager

Deciding if and when to have a child with a partner is a big decision. This decision can be even more challenging when you are with someone who is threatening, controlling, and manipulative. Pregnancy and parenthood cause physical, emotional, financial, and social changes. Therefore, it is understandable to want stable and reliable partners for support during this transitional time. Unfortunately, some abusers use this transition as an opportunity to gain or maintain power and control through tactics known as reproductive coercion. These tactics can play out differently in every relationship and may seem confusing. If you do become pregnant, consider these prenatal and early pregnancy tips for staying safe.

Whatever your decisions are, you deserve to be safe with your partner. If you are finding that it’s difficult to safely share your choices and needs with your partner, you might turn to other sources for perspective on these decisions. A big piece of any safety plan is determining who is in your support network. If you are thinking of becoming pregnant, or if you are in the early weeks of pregnancy, you may want to consider reaching out to a healthcare provider, such as a nurse or OB-GYN, to learn more about how to take care of your physical health. They can also share early pregnancy tips for your well-being and safety. You can also discuss with them a plan for getting supportive care that allows space for you to share your needs with them without your partner in the room. Another part of a support network may be a counselor or therapist – someone who you can trust to be nonjudgmental and supportive as you sort out your feelings and concerns about having children with your partner. Trusted friends or family members may also be able to offer support, whatever your decisions may be.

It also can help to get more information from sources that lay out your full range of options. Backline is a national organization that has an informative website around pregnancy and parenting and a toll-free talkline where you can explore a full spectrum of options. Futures Without Violence also has a lot of great information on its website, including projects dedicated to increasing reproductive and sexual health. Planned Parenthood has information on its website about factors and information you may want to take into account when considering pregnancy. The Hotline is also here for you 24/7  to brainstorm more ideas for support, information, and early pregnancy tips to help with your safety.

While putting together your support network and exploring resources, it’s important to consider whether your partner may be trying to monitor your activities. You may want to reach out for support on a phone or computer that your partner can not access. If you share a phone account, consider getting a go phone so your partner cannot observe the numbers that you’ve called on your bill. You may also want to use a work or public computer or a friend’s smartphone to explore online resources instead of a computer or smartphone that your partner could monitor.

These decisions are big, and you deserve access to the support and information that can help you choose the options that feel best to you. You are the expert in your situation and are the one best-suited to make these decisions. Whatever you decide, The Hotline is here for you every step of the way.

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This article was written by Rebecca, a Hotline manager. 

Pregnancy is a time of change. If you’re pregnant, your life — and your body — starts taking on a new shape as you prepare to bring a little person into the world. Pregnancy can be full of excitement but also comes with an added need for support. It’s natural to need emotional support from a partner, as well as perhaps financial assistance, help to prepare for the baby and more.

If your partner is emotionally or physically destructive toward you, it can make these months of transition especially difficult. Thankfully, there are resources available to help people who are expecting get the support needed for a safe, healthy pregnancy.

According to the CDC, more than one in three women in the United States has experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Pregnancy can be an especially dangerous time for people in abusive relationships, and abuse can often begin or escalate during the pregnancy.

Partners become abusive or increase the abuse during pregnancy for a variety of reasons. Since abuse is based on power and control, it’s common that an abusive partner will become resentful and jealous that the attention is shifting from them to the pregnancy. They may be stressed at the thought of financially supporting a child, frustrated at the increased responsibilities or angry that their partner’s body is changing. None of this is the survivor’s fault, and none of these are excuses. There is no excuse for abuse.

Abuse of any kind during pregnancy can put a person and their unborn child at heightened risk, because a pregnant person is in a uniquely vulnerable position both physically and emotionally. If the abuse is physical, trauma can cause both immediate injury as well as increase the risk of hemorrhaging, a uterine rupture, pre-term birth, complications during labor or miscarriage later in the pregnancy.

Many pregnant people frequently see their doctors for prenatal care. These doctor’s visits can be an opportunity to discuss what is going on in your relationship. Whether or not you choose to tell a professional about the abuse, or how much you choose to disclose, is completely your choice. However, the doctor’s job is to focus on the wellbeing of you and your child, so this could be a safe time to talk about any concerns.

If your partner goes to these appointments with you, try to find a moment when they’re out of the room to ask your care provider (or even the front desk receptionist) about coming up with an excuse to talk to them one-on-one. The doctor’s office can also be a quiet place to make a phone call to The Hotline. If you’ve decided to leave your relationship, a health care provider can become an active participant in your plan to leave.

Additionally, under the Affordable Care Act, all new and non-grandfathered health plans must cover screening and counseling for domestic violence — considering these to be preventive care services.

Here at The Hotline, our advocates are also available 24/7 to help you plan how to stay safe during your pregnancy — both physically and emotionally. Physical safety planning could include tips for when the fighting starts, for example, such as protecting your abdomen and staying on the bottom floor in a house with stairs.

Pregnancy can be a challenging time, and it can feel hurtful if your partner isn’t being supportive, is putting you down or physically harming you. It’s important to develop ways to take care of yourself during such an important stage of your life — and we can help.