Often, we mention red flags in a relationship, since many abusive partners manipulate feelings and experiences to make it seem like they are not bad.

Red flags are also important to note, since they are signs that things are problematic and could worsen. However, green flags, which are signs of a healthy and positive relationship, are also important to recognize.

Every relationship looks different. For some people, consistent communication is necessary, while others are okay with sporadic contact. Ultimately, a relationship is healthy when you and your partner feel things are equal and meet both partners’ needs.

Here are some relationship green flags:

We’re here to help.

We recognize that relationships may not be perfect at all times. People are dynamic creatures, so our emotions and needs may fluctuate depending on a variety of things, like how much sleep we’re getting, if we feel fulfilled in our life, and if we are able to take care of ourselves.

If you feel that the green flags listed above only happen occasionally, it is important to talk about it. Those conversations can help show if you and your partner are willing to grow and learn from past experiences, so you can continue to move forward in a healthy direction. Our advocates are here 24/7 through chat, text, or call, so reach out to us if you have questions or concerns.

Sex can be an important part of any romantic relationship. Healthy sexual behaviors can help create a connection between you and your partner and can be another way of showing how you feel towards your romantic partner. When it comes to sex, it is important to trust your partner, understand what consent is, and have open and honest communication about sex. Part of talking about sex, especially in a heterosexual relationship, includes talking about contraceptives or birth control.

Most often, when people reach out to us to talk about sex, they have questions about what consent is, and whether the sexual behaviors they are experiencing are considered as sexual abuse or not. Some forms of sexual abuse are more clear – such as   – while others are less noticeable, such as stealthing.

So, what exactly is stealthing?

Stealthing is “the non-consensual condom removal” before or during sexual intercourse. This is a form of reproductive coercion, which is defined as threats or acts of violence against a partner’s reproductive health or reproductive decision-making. Condoms are a common form of birth control, and the non-consensual removal of a condom could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

This decision is rooted in one partner’s desire for control and wanting the power to determine if their partner potentially gets pregnant or not. An unexpected pregnancy could be a way for a partner who is abusive to manipulate their partner into staying in the relationship. Using the child as leverage, they may discuss the importance of keeping the family together or their desire to have children.

In a healthy relationship, you and your partner should talk about what form of contraceptive you wish to use. Since this is different for each person, having open and honest communication is crucial to make sure everyone is on the same page. That decision should be made consensually, and any changes to the plan need to be discussed and agreed upon by everyone involved. Trust is important so you can feel comfortable that your partner will stick with the agreed upon plan.

Getting support

Talking about any type of abuse can be uncomfortable. This is especially true when it comes to sexual abuse and behaviors that are not often talked about, such as stealthing. If you have experienced stealthing, taking steps to protect your physical and emotional self is crucial. Part of that involves understanding different types of sexual abuse and knowing who you can talk to.

You can text “START” to 88788, call us at 1.800.799.7233, or chat with an advocate. We’re always here for you.

Consent. This one word draws a line between acceptable and unacceptable sexual behaviors. This one word helps define whether an experience was sexual assault or not. Was the action wanted? Was the act agreed upon by both people?

For as important as consent is, we don’t talk about it enough. In the wake of so many high coverage media cases of sexual assault in which much of the coverage shifted the blame to the victims who were somehow “asking for it” or “didn’t say no,” it’s important to reevaluate what consent is and how we can give it or withhold it. It’s also essential that we understand what it looks like when our partners give — or don’t give — consent.

Here are some red flags that your partner doesn’t respect consent:

• They pressure or guilt you into doing things you may not want to do.
• They make you feel like you “owe” them — because you’re dating, or married, they gave you a gift, etc.
• They react negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if you say “no” to something, or don’t immediately consent.
• They ignore your wishes, and don’t pay attention to non-verbal cues that could show that you’re not consenting (EX: being reluctant, pulling away).

How to practice healthy consent: 

• Talk about it! Communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. Establish boundaries by explaining what things you and your partner are comfortable with and what things you may not feel comfortable with. Always ask first. Try phrases like: “Are you OK with this?” “If you’re into it, I could…” “Are you comfortable with this?”
• Be aware of the physical and nonverbal signs of consent as well. If your partner seems uncomfortable, talk about it and discuss it. Don’t assume that silence is them saying yes.
• Remember that giving and receiving consent is an ongoing process.

Please note: this post includes suggestions on how to cool off when angry for people dealing with anger issues that affect others in their lives, not just their intimate partners. Keep in mind that anger management programs are not recommended for abusive partners, as abuse is not the result of anger issues but rather the desire to control an intimate partner.

Anger is one of those electrical emotions that all of us experience — some more often or more easily than others — and different things provoke us and rile us up. It can be a healthy emotion up to a point. For instance, anger about a cause, an injustice, or a political issue can motivate us to act for good. A lot of the most influential movements and changes in our country began with a feeling of anger or frustration.

But anger can also be very dangerous. Anger can get out of control and have negative effects on yourself and others, depending on how you deal with it and express it. The emotion manifests itself in different ways, and if you find yourself getting angry frequently and intensely, you can probably begin to notice physical symptoms first. Your heart beats faster, your breathing rate increases, your muscles tense up, and more.

If you feel yourself getting angry, what should you do?

• Tell yourself to calm down. For example, you could repeat gentle phrases like “Take it easy,” “Cool off,” “We’re safe,” or whatever works for you.
• Force yourself to leave the situation. Take a time out, walk away, and avoid coming back too soon. Take a walk or go for a run.
• Use visualization to calm down. Close your eyes and picture yourself in your favorite place.
• Count to 10 (or 50… or 100) if you feel like you’re about to do or say something harmful. It’s a quick, easy way to separate yourself mentally from the situation.
• Splash some cold water on your face.
• Slow down and focus on your breathing. Conscious breathing involves taking slow, deep breaths in through your nose, and slowly out through your mouth.
• Phone a friend. Do you have a supportive friend or family member who can lend an ear and calm you down?
• Try to replace negative, angry thoughts with positive, rational ones. Even if you’re feeling upset, remind yourself that getting angry isn’t going to fix the way that you’re feeling.

Now what?

Make time for yourself to de-stress and focus on an activity that makes you happy, whether that’s reading, spending time with friends, or whatever else. Getting enough exercise weekly can also help alleviate stress.

Practice relaxation techniques such as listening to soothing sounds or songs or doing meditation or yoga.

Keep a journal or log about your anger. Record the feelings you experienced, what factors contributed to your anger, and how you responded to it. Try to write down the thoughts that were going through your mind and the time, and then reflect on these instances and see if there’s any sort of pattern to your anger.

Think about the consequences that come with angry outbursts. Is your anger causing strain on your relationship? Scaring your children? Take time to reflect on how your anger could be affecting those around you.

Try to note any other emotions you’re feeling alongside anger. Are you feeling depressed? Frustrated? Confused?

Learn about communicating with others in a healthy way. Being able to talk rationally and calmly when you start to feel angry can be an important part of relieving anger.

Consider taking an anger management course or going to counseling.

Further Reading

• Do you think your anger might be getting the best of you? Try this online quiz to determine how well you handle your anger.
• Check out Huffington Post’s article on how to break your anger habit.
• Take a breather. TIME Magazine has six different breathing exercises that will “help you relax in 10 minutes or less.”

If you’re taking out your anger on your partner, give us a call at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). You can speak confidentially with a non-judgmental advocate about these behaviors and discuss steps for getting help.