Narcissism vs. Abuse
At the Hotline, some contacts have shared with us that they are experiencing or have experienced narcissistic abuse. Even if it is very understandable to believe such a thing exists, abuse and narcissism stem from two different behavior spectrums.
On one spectrum, narcissism is a subconscious personality disorder, while on the other spectrum, abuse is a conscious behavioral choice one makes to deal with a challenge. Although people who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can show abusive behaviors, abuse and narcissism do not create each other. For example, people without NPD can be abusive to their partner, and people who do have NPD can still be incredibly supportive partners who strive to maintain equality in their relationships.
How do the different types of narcissism compare to abuse?
- Grandiose Narcissism
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People with common traits of the personality disorder grandiose narcissism tend to have a mindset that makes them feel superior. People with this disorder are associated with using the gaslighting technique.
They know what is right and wrong and can feel empathy.
An abusive partner often uses gaslighting to control their partner. But that is because they want to manipulate and control that specific person, not everyone in general.
- Malignant Narcissism
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People with common traits of the personality disorder malignant narcissism tend to have a laser-focused mindset to get whatever they want. People with this disorder have been associated with extreme intentions to “destroy others” for personal gain.
They feel guilt when breaking the rules or doing something unjust.
People who are abusive have a laser-focused mindset on controlling their partner. That is the focus of their actions, not other people.
- Covert Narcissism
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People with common traits of the personality disorder covert narcissism tend to have a mindset that makes them feel overlooked and believe they have extraordinary talents. People with this disorder are associated with using blame-shifting techniques.
They judge a situation and determine if it was managed fairly.
For people who are abusive, fairness is not important. They may use blame-shifting against their partner, but that is because they want to manipulate or control them. Not because they feel overlooked.
- Communal Narcissism
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People with common traits of the personality disorder communal narcissism tend to have a self-invested mindset, focus a lot on their self-image or surface-level interests, and do not consider other peoples’ feelings. People with this disorder are associated with lacking empathy for others.
They know what is right and what is wrong.
It can be challenging to tell the difference between communal narcissism and an abusive person because abusive partners DO care about their self-image. They don’t want people to know they are abusive, so they will act in ways that make them look loving and kind.
The difference between abuse and narcissism
A major difference between abuse and narcissism is who the actions impact. People who are abusive focus their behaviors on one specific person, their partner. They treat that person very differently in private than when they are around others. They don’t want others to know what is happening behind closed doors, so they may come across as very charming and kind to everyone else. Only their partner sees this side of them.
People with narcissistic personality disorders tend to treat more people in negative or manipulative ways. They do not focus on one person but instead treat all people in ways that are manipulative or harmful. Especially if they can benefit from that individual. If multiple people have a similar experience with someone, it’s likely that the person is not abusive but is instead struggling with or has a mental health condition.
We’re here to help.
Narcissistic behaviors are very self-serving. However, self-serving behaviors do not have to be abusive. Relationship abuse is fundamentally about control, whether it is physical, sexual, digital, financial, or emotional. Abuse has a pattern that enables one partner to have more power and control in the relationship than the other. Partners can still be self-invested without trying to control their partners.
It can be hard to recognize the differences between abuse and narcissism. Should you have questions or concerns, our advocates are available 24/7 through phone, chat, and text. You are not alone.