When we talk about abuse, we often focus on intimate partner violence or abuse within a romantic relationship. It happens when one partner has power over and controls the other. However, some abusive partners will use their family, friends, or others to harass, harm, and control their partner. This is domestic violence by proxy, and it can be as scary and harmful as abuse from a romantic partner.

What does domestic violence by proxy look like?

Just as there are different types of abuse,  domestic violence by proxy can happen in various ways. Some examples include:

• Telling lies or exaggerated stories to isolate their partner.

• Encouraging others to harass their partner on social media.

• Repeatedly calling the police or Child Protective Services under false pretenses.

• Trying to hurt your job by contacting your employer or showing up at work.

• Having family, friends, or others watch and stalk you.

Why involve others in the abuse?

Abusive partners can involve other people at any point in an abusive relationship. However, it often happens when they feel they are losing control of their partner. They could be losing control because their partner called the police or wants to leave the relationship. It can also happen in high-conflict separations or custody disputes.

There are many reasons an abusive partner would involve others in the abuse. They include:

• Their partner has left the relationship, and the abusive partner doesn’t have control over them.

• There is a protection order or restraining order against the abusive partner.

• Their partner has moved to another city or state to escape the abuse.

• The abusive partner is in jail.

Anyone the abusive partner knows can be involved in domestic violence by proxy. Sometimes the third party is fully aware of the abuse. Others may be manipulated by the abusive partner into thinking they are helping, when actually they are causing harm. If the abusive partner is in a gang or organized crime, their associates also could participate in the abuse.

How to Safety Plan for Domestic Violence by Proxy

Domestic violence by proxy can be as harmful as abuse from an intimate partner. Because of that, safety planning is crucial. Your safety plan should reflect your experience and needs. Consider the following safety tips:

• Build your support system by telling trusted family members and friends what is happening.

• Create a code word or phrase to use when you need support from your support system.

• Change your routine and use different banks or stores, or use a different route to get to work or school.

• If leaving the relationship, consider going to a shelter or program in a neighboring town or city.

• Set your social media settings to private.

• Improve your home security by installing deadbolts, security cameras, or motion-activated outdoor lights.

How to Document Abuse by Proxy

Whether it’s an abusive partner or a third party abusing you, it’s important to document the abuse. That can look like:

• A personal diary or calendar in which you documented the abuse as it happens.

• Creating a stalking log.

• Police reports of when you or a witness called the police.

• Digital evidence such as text messages, voicemails, emails, or social media messages.

Each state has different laws about what evidence and documentation can be used in court. Speak with a legal advocate if you’re unsure about what can be used in your state.

Help is available.

It’s hard to know what to do when experiencing domestic violence by proxy. If you have questions or concerns, you can speak with an advocate 24/7. You can search our resource directory to find legal assistance or other programs in your area. You are not alone.