Abuse, no matter the type, is painful. Abusive partners will do extreme things to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. They also know their partners well, so they know what hurts the most. Abusive partners push their partners to the limit, which often leads to survivors defending themselves. This is sometimes called “reactive abuse.” This guide will answer the question, “What is reactive abuse?” and will explain what causes it and how to protect yourself from potential problems.

What is reactive abuse?

Reactive abuse happens when people being abused by their partners defend themselves. This typically happens after the victim has been pushed to the limit by the abusive partner. It could happen after years of emotional abuse or gaslighting, or because of escalating physical or sexual abuse. The person being abused reaches a breaking point and responds with aggressive self-defense. This can happen in different ways. Reactive abuse could look like:

• Yelling at your abusive partner or calling them names.

• Making threats.

• Pushing, kicking, or hitting the abusive partner.

We know that abuse is about power and control. If a victim or survivor is defending themself, they are trying to regain their power, not control another person. Like mutual abuse, reactive abuse is a phrase that many people use, even if they don’t fully understand what it means.

What causes reactive abuse?

If you are being verbally or physically attacked, your body instinctively reacts in one of four ways.

1. Fight: You respond to the threat aggressively, often by attacking the aggressor.
2. Flight: This happens when your body recognizes it can escape the danger by running away.
3. Freeze: This often happens when you don’t think you can fight or run away, making you feel stuck.
4. Fawn: This stress response happens if you unsuccessfully fight or run away from your partner. It looks like trying to be overly helpful and focusing on making your partner happy instead of your safety.

Reactive abuse happens when people have been abused and react with the “fight” response. They think that the best way to defend themselves is by physically attacking their abusive partner.

How to protect yourself

Unfortunately, reactive abuse can cause problems for victims and survivors. Abusive partners will often use those reactions to make it seem as if the survivor is the abusive one. They might call family or friends, or even the police, during those moments of self-defense. Here are some steps you can take to show what’s really happening.

• Document the abuse by keeping a journal with dates and a description of what happened.

• Tell a trusted friend or family member about what you’ve been experiencing and for how long.

• Save any abusive messages, emails, or voicemails you get from the abusive partner.

• Take photos of any damage caused by the abusive partner or any injuries you may receive.

If needed, this documentation can be used to show what is happening in the relationship and where the abuse is coming from.

Help is available

One thing abusive partners are really good at is causing confusion and uncertainty. If your partner has pushed you to your limit and you defended yourself, or if you’re not sure what to think, please contact us. Our advocates are available 24/7 to answer questions, talk about your situation, and connect you to resources in your area. You are not alone.