When Your Partner Threatens Suicide
“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
It seems like a no-win situation. When someone you’re close to says something like this, it can feel like the world just stopped spinning.
People who have a mental illness, such as Borderline Personality Disorder, typically have a higher risk for suicide. Depression, a history of substance abuse, and other disorders carry risks as well. If your partner truly wishes to die and has a plan and intention to follow through, get immediate help. Call your local emergency number, or call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
But what if your partner regularly threatens suicide, particularly whenever you’re not doing something he or she wants you to do, or when you’re trying to leave the relationship? First, understand that this is a form of emotional abuse: your partner is trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. You might get angry when this happens, but you also might feel like you have to give in to them in order to avoid a potential tragedy. When your partner makes these threats repeatedly, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and possibly help your partner as well.
Tell your partner you care about them, but stick to your boundaries. Giving in to threats over and over does not make a relationship healthy, and it only creates anger and resentment on your end. You could say something like, “You know I care about you very much, and I understand you’re upset right now, but I will not _____.”
Put the choice to live or die where it belongs – on your partner. You can’t be responsible for another person’s actions, no matter what – and this includes when your partner chooses to be abusive. An optional response is: “I think our relationship should be based on love and respect, not threats. I really care about you, but this is your choice and I can’t stop you from making it.”
Remember that no matter what your partner says, you don’t have to prove anything. Even though they might be saying something like, “If you really loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” the real truth is that there are unhealthy patterns in your relationship. Until those unhealthy patterns are addressed, they will most likely continue no matter how many times you give in to your partner’s demands.
If your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love – they’re likely trying to control your actions. If this is the case, consider the tips above and try to get help where you can. You might try talking to a counselor or other professional therapist, if that’s an option for you. But remember, you are not your partner’s counselor, and you can’t force your partner to get help if they don’t want to. They have to make that choice for themselves.
Please keep in mind that these tips may not be right for everyone; you know your own situation best. If you’d like to talk through these tips with one of our advocates, please get in touch with us by phone 24/7 or online chat everyday from 7am-2am CST. We’re here for you!
My partner always threatens suicide when arguments escalate. He says he will kill himself and let me live with it especially if I try to leave. I’m still here because I keep thinking things will get better but it seems to be getting worse. Prior, he would hit himself and punch holes in walls. Recently things have gotten worse. He’s starting to get physically abusive towards me. Things are good when it’s good. But when things gets bad, it’s gets really bad. I’m still young. Not married. No kids. Just engaged. I don’t want to have kids if this is what life will be like. I don’t want to bring them into a world like this. How do I know when to draw the line and say enough is enough? And how can I get the courage to leave without fearing he will kill himself?
Hi Chelsee,
Wow, that sounds so scary and upsetting. Threatening suicide is effective in keeping you in a relationship because of the guilt and worry it causes. I’m so sorry that your abuser keeps using the threat of suicide. If your partner is truly suicidal, he needs more help than you may be able to provide him. It’s not a burden that you should solely carry on your shoulders and it’s unfair of him to put that burden on you.
It’s really common for abusive relationships to have really good times and really bad times. It such an extreme. The good times are what usually keep people in abusive relationships. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Trust your instincts. While we can’t make that decision for you, we can talk to you about it and offer support at 1-800-799-7233. We’re anonymous and confidential.
Take care,
Hotline Advocate VG
I’ve been in similar relationship. It never occured to me that he was going to do it if I leave, I thought like a chess and told him that I would stay as long he behaves himself… I sneaked away week and half later and brought lady cop undercovered, told him she was a friend that needed ato get away from her abusive husband, he find it hard to be rude to tell her to go elsewhere so he wanted to talk privately with me… she quickly draws and pointed gun at me, he steped in front of me, she said to hand cuff him, he thought we were being held hostage. He was in for a surprise for and was arrested on the spot and was sent to a treatment center for illness & mental heath care system. Thankfully he wasn’t dangering himself and others.
Anna,
Thank you so much for offering your support to our blog community. It sounds like you did exactly what you needed to in order to keep yourself safe. I’m so glad it worked out! Please know that we are available here 24/7 at 1 (800) 799-7233 if you are needing any further support. We are confidential and anonymous.
Until then,
Hotline Advocate MC
I believe suicide threats should be considered death threats. My sister’s partner threatened suicide. In the end, she murdered my sister and then took her own life. When someone doesn’t value their own life, they don’t value yours.
Hi Lee,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with our online community. We are so very sorry for your loss of your sister.
Talk of suicide is something we definitely take seriously, especially when talking about a survivor’s safety. If you are in a relationship and you are concerned about your partner’s talk of suicide, please know that you can reach out to our Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 and speak to an advocate confidentially and anonymously. We can discuss your concerns and work together to figure out ways to increase your safety.
We’re here when you need us.
Hotline Advocate AS
I am going threw this right now I have been the victim of gaslighting for about 4 years now with physical episodes from my boyfriend he has slapped me hit me spit on me as well as pulling me down by my head and slamming me on the ground I have made the final decision to leave today and was out the door and he threatens to shoot himself the only reason he is alive right now is because i wouldn’t let him get to the keys to the gun lock . now he has turned it into my fault and the mental abuse starts again. I am so torn i fear for his life. I dont think i love him anymore but i love what we once were the man i thought he was and the abuse has been a slow grow to what it is now but i also Hate him for this for making me stay so he didn’t shoot himself im so angry and hurt and i need to get out but i am so emotionally confused.
Sara,
Thank you so much for your input to our blog community. I can hear that you have been through a very difficult situation. Your strength is apparent in your words and I am so glad o see that you have reached out. You mentioned that he threatened suicide and it was a deciding factor in your staying. We know a few things about suicide threats by abusive partners that I think it important to share. We do see that a lot of abusive partners use threats of suicide to manipulate their partners into staying, of course it is not something that you are in any way responsible for, his actions and behaviors are his own choices. I know that it can be difficult not to hold that to yourself when you have someone saying that it would be your fault, but it most certainly would not be. Another thing we see from threats of suicide is that it can also heighten the legality of the situation for yourself, which is a concern that I see from reading your post. It sounds as though you have done everything you can to keep yourself safe, and you should be incredibly proud of the steps you’ve made so far, and anything we can do to help you create a plan to help you feel safer we would be more than happy to do.
Know that we are here 24 hours a day and are completely anonymous and confidential through our hotline at 800-799-7233. Reach out to us any time and we can provide support, options and perhaps local resources.
Take care.
Hotline Advocate RF
I’m going through this right now every time I try to leave he threatens his life. I have dealt with this for 7 years and I have finally decided to leave.
Janet,
Thank you so much for reaching out. Hearing suicide threats is so scary and stressful, and it can make leaving feel so much harder. I know that it takes a lot of courage and strength to make the choice that you feel is right for you in the face of those kinds of threats, and I want you to know that we’re here for you if you ever need support or resources. Leaving can be a scary and sometimes dangerous experience, so if you’d like to reach out to us directly, we could be happy to help you create a safety plan and connect you with any local support you need to help you through that process.
Take care and stay safe,
Advocate MT
I was able to get to [my boyfriend] before his second attempt. I was able to calm him down and he has since regretted his actions. But I am traumatized and do not know what to do.
Hello AB,
That experience would be traumatizing to anyone, and there are programs available to provide you with the support to process what happened and help you with your healing process. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 and via chat at their website http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. If you would like to talk about your relationship and safety, you can also call our Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Our advocates are available 24/7 and we keep all conversations anonymous and confidential.
We’re here when you need us.
Hotline Advocate AS
Some details were removed from your post per our community guidelines, which can be found here.
My husband is severely depressed, our marriage is not going well, and he is stock piling pills I think. We both get 60 5mg valium each month, but I never take mine that much because we have 3 small children I take care of. But the last 3 months my pills have been disappearing..bottle and all. On average it’s about 40 each time…that’s 120 of mine he has somewhere. Now my concern is that he’s going to take all these pills and kill himself! I’ve looked everywhere for them and he talks about dying a lot…all the time. He is on methadone also which scares me too. He has numerous medical problems…he had a pacemaker/defibrillator put in in November, he has titanium in his back which causes chronic pain, he says something is wrong every single day, no exception. He’s a hypochondriac so severely, he will obsess about having cancer if anything hurts at all. And when something is actually wrong with him he is inconsolable, mean and says he should just die. He has no interest in any thing, he will not hardly interact with the kids even. I am honestly afraid to leave them with him alone!!!! He sits in the recliner for hours and does nothing, the last 4 days he has been withdrawing from the methadone so he has been horrible to all of us. I don’t know what to do, I’m not sure if you can even die from valium overdose, but I’ve seen him when he took a handful…there are railroad tracks about 100 yards from our home…another thing that scares me! Years ago he threatened to jump in front of a train when he was withdrawing from crack cocaine. I’ve begged him to go to mental health or see our family doctor, but if he does go it just ends up with him trying to get pain pills. I am trying my best with 3 kids and literally being a single parent even with him living here with us! He has no family that care about him or that I can go to for help. My family wants me to leave him because of all the issues from the past. I love him and want him to be the man I fell in love with again…what can I do?
Hello J,
I’m so glad that you’re part of our online community and know that you can reach out for support here. The situation with your husband sounds overwhelming and terrifying. You and the kids have the right to be safe, and your husband does not have the right to take that safety and security away, regardless of what he is going through. I can hear how much you love him, and are scared for him. That is such a difficult place to be, because you cannot save him. The only person that can change his decisions and actions is your husband. Making safety plans may be helpful while you are going through this to ensure that you and the kids are as safe as possible, no matter what your husband decides to do.
There are also resources out there that may help, and our advocates are here 24/7 to help you get connected. You can call our Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 anytime you need a safe place to talk; all conversations are confidential and anonymous. One of the programs that may be helpful is the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency. Their website http://www.ncadd.org/ has a lot of information about addiction, as well as resources for family members and friends.
We’re here when you need us.
Hotline Advocate AS
Male victims are overlooked everytime. Male victims cases grow more and more painfully due to neglect of help from the community. When men try to press charges to a women, the (male) cop will often say, “why didnt you stand up for yourself” or “Im sure it will work out, you’ve got a great girl.” The double standard means that a woman can beat a man badly and call the cops to press charges on him, when all he did was cry for help too loudly, According to American law the mans cries being too loud is describing a threatening “demeaner” which allows pressing charges a must and the male cop will eagerly assist the famished lady, such as the stories and movies he’d seen growing up. All the while society continually fighting for womens rights, while it is standard for women to press false charges during separation for child custody and payments, although frequently false. There is a double standard in the system that is allowed, created, and enforced which promotes sexism discrimination in every field of the love relationship between a man and woman in America. During my struggles of abuse, I had to view my son taken away due to having “zero” rights from not being married, forced to watch tv shows of women “fighting for equal rights” while I had just woken up from crying to get over abuse. To then watch the President fighting for women’s rights on a regular basis, all the while getting beaten (don’t believe me? she did it today), threatened to cut my throa* 3 days ago, and threatens to harm herself on a regular basis if I don’t do what she says. And, since I own our property, the cops always say only way to make her leave is to file eviction process which she can appeal that the femaile DA says “could last for months.” All the while my gf saying she will “rip up any eviction letter, I’m not going nowhere.” All I could conclude with is, I hear you men. I hear you when society beats you, when your wife makes you work while she stays home to sleep with the neighbor and beats you when you get home, and calls the cops to falsely accuse you of doing what she did, and taking you kids under false allegation, even though she will go on to abuse your kids which are the world to you, while she forces you to give half of your work check in child support, while the President fights for womens rights, I hear you men, I hear you when you go to get domestic violence victims counseling and they say you aren’t welcome because the groups are “for women only.” I hear your pain, I hear the pain of men falsely sent to prison, due to the society double standard. I hear you men when you cry for help and the cops won’t help, so you go to these DV victims boards to see pictures of angry men with the caption underneath reading “women shouldn’t have to fear men.” I hear you, I hear you men. I’m a man. I’m a man. Even though I have testosterone doesn’t give the right for women to take everything we have. Just because we have hair and work, and can’t breast feed our babies, doesn’t mean we have to be thrown away like trash and stepped on, men. I’m a man. An abused man, but a man. I repeatedly tell myself that the abuse molds me and shapes me and my personality to make me stronger, as a man. That when I escape, when society decides to be realistically honest and fair, I will be ready. But, as long as society wants to be unfair and miserable, yes I will cry, I will cry for my male victims out there, when noone else will listen, when the men spit on you, and the women humiliate you, when you plead for help and they laugh, when they giggle, when you are crying in fear of losing EVERYTHING because the abuser has 8 times more rights to torture you in 8 different ways 8 times a day, I WILL know what you are going through, what you have been through, and what is capable of happening in America. The double standard will be in the back of my mind when the day of appropriate judgment is served. When judgement is served for the victim and not the perp, when people start caring about reality of situations, and not making hasty decisions based on lifetime movies, or what their friend told them, or what strength they think they can have by “saving the damsel in distress” like a disney movie, as an excuse for a cop to spit on your character, I will be there, I will be there in spirit to pick up the man, the man, who society calls useless, because being big with testosterone is supposedly “too much power, and too much strength” to beat you down into trash, to treat you like a wallet for impregnation, to file a false report, to force 18 years of child support, and background to prevent jobs, to end your life, based on American double standard laws, I will be there. No matter how many times I anger a woman, or offend them, I will be behind them watching over American men, the men who are taunted, harrassed, humilated, ignored, beaten, and kept secretly hidden, I will be there, to hope and pray that JUSTICE brings down these american psychotic borderline women and justice system, for the penalties to prevail and the innocent to regain the power that they lost, to gain the pride that the humilation has taken away, to get back, to take back the rights from which the American justice system has taken from men to automatically take the womans side and allow her to take the kids from the abused husband, I will be there, to protect men from women, to watch over them, as well as the women, to watch what noone else appears to see nor care about, as the women humilate men, laugh at them, call them sweaty, say that they make the mens restroom way messier than womens, I will be there, to protect you men, to get your confidence back, I will keep your restrooms clean, I will give you money when you lose your job, I will be YOUR witness in court, I will protect you. I am a man. I’m a man. I am censored. But, I’m-a-man.
This post has been removed because it was not in line with our community guidelines.
My wife of 13 years has always talked of suicide and not wanting to live like this anymore. She was diagnosed with OCD, depression and high generalized anxiety. Since she always talks about it a and later tells me that she would never do it, i never know when to take her seriously. She has checked herself into homes and therapy sessions but seems to be looking for a fix instead of a change. I love her so dearly and it kills me to see her like this but at the same time it is so hard to have her tell me that i don’t love her when i don’t jump when she feels like this. We have a 11 year old son that has ocd and anxiety and i am so scared that if anything were to happen to get that he would shut down. What do i do?
Hi Matt,
Thanks for reaching out. You should never feel that you are responsible for your partner’s life, or that you have to do what they tell you to keep them from hurting themselves. It sounds like a really tough situation and a lot to go through for your whole family. I would encourage you to contact us directly, either by chat or phone when you have a chance. We would be happy to talk with you about your situation and some possible ways to help.
My boyfriend tells me he is gonna kill himself every time I try to leave. He also crys every time I try to call him out on the things he does to me. Every time I try to leave he says he will kill himself, hurt my family, my car, take our daughter away from me bc his mother is a lawyer, get me fired from my job…he has broken many of my things bc he would rather destroy then tell the truth…even when I’ve caught him red handed…I don’t want him to destroy everything I’ve worked so hard to get…what am I supposed to do? I spend most of my time shut in a room bc I just can’t be around him anymore…somebody please help me…I can’t keep living like this…
Hi Cas,
You will never be alone as we are here 24/7 to support you and find you additional resources to meet your needs on your journey.
Please give us a call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Your situation sounds dire and our advocates would be happy to provide you with some valuable resources and possible strategic solutions.
Yesterday, during a very stupid argument I threatened to leave my husband (I wasn’t going to – I was just annoyed). I then discovered my husband looking up information on how to kill himself, he admitted to me that the thought of us being apart makes him not want to live anymore. He confided that years ago when he was in high school there were times he had thought about taking his own life, because he was lonely and felt unloved. I love my husband deeply, he is a kind, generous and amazing man but I am heartbroken. I don’t know how to help him, he says he is fine now but all I can think is that every marriage has disagreements and what would happen if something would push him over the edge.
My husband is not abusive in any way shape or form, so I don’t think this is him doing some sort of emotional blackmail, I just don’t know what to do.
Hi Tara,
That sounds like a really scary and upsetting experience and I can understand how you might be frightened of saying or doing anything that might increase the chance that your partner would commit suicide. As you said, every marriage has disagreements, and for a relationship to be healthy it’s important that both partners always feel that they can voice their feelings and concerns without fear of their partner’s reaction. And you should never feel responsible for your partner’s life. It sounds like your husband is in a very low place, and I would recommend reaching out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to talk with them about the situation and some possible support for you and your husband both during this hard time.
Thank you for the advice, I will definitely contact them.
Has anyone seen the 2015 Grammy Awards? Katy Perry did a number regarding domestic violence. Very touching.
Hi, Darlene:
Yes, Katy Perry’s performance at the Grammy Awards was very powerful and moving! I also enjoyed the spoken word artist who performed, too. Thanks for sharing this info. It shows how music and the arts can be used as a tools to raise domestic violence awareness.
All the best,
Hotline Advocate ND
So when do you draw the line between caring for someone else and for your freedom? Not leaving because a love one threatens to commit suicide can become a prison in the long run.
Hi Mike,
Thank you for your post. You’re absolutely right. Drawing that line can be hard, but here at The Hotline we believe that caring for yourself is essential, and love should never feel like a prison. If you or someone you know is dealing with a situation like this, we would be happy to talk with you about that and discuss some options. You can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.
I have been with my now ex fiancé for 4 years now. Things were great at first then slowly got to the poin of physical abuse, hitting punching kicking pouring beer on me and then emotional saying no one wants me I’m a nasty person and so on! We now have an 8 month old son. I always stayed due to promises of “Change” but that never happened! Having my son made me realize I needed to leave that environment because the abuse didn’t stop Now I live with my mom and on a day to day basis he brings flowers to the door step. I made it clear I do not want to be together. But he repeatedly tells me he is killing his self. Even pulled the gun out while we were driving with our son in the truck. Constantly send me pics of guns he is gonna do it with and saying I’m ending my life cuz of you! I don’t want to be with him nor do I think I love him but he is my sons father so I do care! I can’t take the constant stress I deal with everyday! And every time I say I’m going to contact anyone he says it will be to late if i call someone so I don’t in fear that he will…. I don’t know how to break away from this?….
Dear Des123,
That sounds like an incredibly emotionally difficult situation to be in with your ex-partner, and you definitely do not deserve for him to continue to treat you like this. The choice to live or die is his and his alone to make, and you are not responsible for that choice at all. Please give us a call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us from 7am-2am CST. Your situation sounds dire and our advocates would be happy to provide you with some valuable resources and possible strategic solutions.
Best,
Hotline Advocate CC
my best friend told me today that if i did not go out with her today she said she was going to put a rope around her neck and kill herself she has bi polar disorder that is the second time she threatened to take her own life but the question is i do not know if she is serious or not it makes me angry but at the same time it makes me feel sad what do i do i am confused ?
Jason,
Thank you for reaching out. It sounds so upsetting and scary for her to say things like that, and it’s very unfair for her to try to make you feel that you’re responsible for her life. You’re not and you never could be. If she is truly suicidal, that’s part of a much bigger personal issue that she is going through, and whether you go out with her when she wants you to or not is not going to change that. If you feel that she is serious about these threats, I would encourage you to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and talk with them about possible options for help. But it’s also important to assess whether this is a serious cry for help or a threat that she is just using to get her way. If you find that her suicidal comments come out mainly when she’s trying to get her way, that may be a red flag for emotional abuse. If you think that might be the case, we would be happy to talk with you about that and help you come up with some possible steps to deal with this. We’re here 24/7 by phone at 1-800-799-7233, and 7am-2am by online chat at http://www.thehotline.org.
Best,
MT
My wife threatened suicide for the very first time tonight. After our second child was born three years ago, during PMS, her mood is like nothing I’ve ever seen. She confessed to me that for about three days she hates everyone. Well, I’m pretty sure today is one of those days. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and keep my distance. However, this evening, she told me that she should just shoot herself so that she will be out of everyone’s hair. I don’t know if I should take this seriously. I am hiding all ammo from our firearms just in case.
Hello, Jim:
What an unsettling and difficult situation for you to be in. It’s concerning that your wife is threatening to commit suicide. We encourage you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-8255 for assistance 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
It sounds like your wife may be emotionally abusing you and that is not okay. We encourage you to please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org everyday from 7am-2am (CST). We would be happy to discuss your concerns in greater detail and offer some resources that may help your situation. Please get in touch with us when it’s safe to do so.
Take care,
Hotline Advocate ND
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, he’s 18 and I’m 15, but he was 17 when we started dating. Today I broke up with him and he is threatening suicide. He’s done this before but he has actually acted on these sayings before and has even been to a mental ward. I couldn’t handle it so I removed him off of all social media and I blocked him. His friend texted me swearing at me saying that I’m a horrible person and that if I cared about him at all then I would give him the satisfaction of talking to him. But how do I talk to him when I am to weak to fight his manipulation and then fall back into a relationship with him. His friend is staying with him so he doesn’t hurt himself but what about tomorrow? If he does kill himself could I be held responsible for it and sent to jail? (Or Juvi)
Hi Braden,
You are not responsible at all for your boyfriend’s actions if he does hurt himself. You have to put the responsibility to live or die where it belongs, on him. http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/ is a good article that talks about how to respond and what to know when your partner or ex-partner threatens to commit suicide.
You are right that he is being manipulative, and when you blocked him you were doing what you needed to be emotionally safe from his abusive behaviors. It’s not fair to you at all that his friend tried to make you feel guilty for making that decision for yourself. If you do not want to talk to him or get back together with him, that is absolutely your right to set those boundaries and stick to them.
If you need to talk more about your situation, please reach out and call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org everyday from 7am-2am (CST). We would be happy to discuss your concerns in greater detail and offer some resources that may help your situation.