Violence is Never Okay (Or a Joke)

Super Bowl National Domestic Violence Hotline

Violence is Never Okay (Or a Joke)

dvinthenewsFor the past few days, you’ve probably been hearing a lot about the incident between Jay-Z and Beyonce’s sister, Solange. Quick recap: footage was leaked to TMZ of Solange physically attacking Jay-Z in an elevator, while a bodyguard attempted to restrain her and Beyonce stood by. No sound was available with the footage, so we don’t know what was said between any of them, and (so far) no one involved has come forward with an explanation (Update: they have released a statement). In fact, it seems like they’re all doing their best to pretend it didn’t happen.

Plenty of people all over the internet have been speculating about the reasons for the attack, and unfortunately many are choosing to make jokes about it (for examples, just check Twitter). At the Hotline, we believe that jokes about violence only serve to diminish people’s perception of its severity. Abuse in any relationship – whether it’s between family members, friends, or people in an intimate partnership – is not acceptable, no matter the “reasons” behind it or the gender of the people involved.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or if you have questions about domestic violence, our advocates are here to help. Please give us a call anytime, or chat online whenever the chat button is active.

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2 replies
  1. The trouble with my husband started in November 2001, He had been home from the navy sine November 1985, When he came home he was coming off a military leave of five years at a big three auto company plant, he was coming back under a UAW contract hat continued his seniority for the time he was in. with the retirements and other turnover in the plant he was coming home with more seniority than 60 percent of the work force, His father and others asked me to help get him not to use his seniority at least for a while until he could be eased back into the area society, Is first day home was the first of hundreds of arguments, This one with his father who wanted him to go get reinstated the morning he arrived home, he really wanted some time off after being deployed for over three years, but my husband did as asked, He was put straight on second shift, his old job. he also was on 12 hour days until further notice. this included the weekends, one of the first things that happened to start the second argument that week was my husband put his shift preference in to days. It was a young girl that was going to have to go to second shift, his second day home his father and his union stewards landed in the middle of him, he had already had some other news that was going to change his life for the worse, he was handed a guardianship by a sheriffs deputy earlier on me, this is an instrument issued by the state to make somebody totally responsble for a spouses care when they are mentally ill, While he was at sea I developed symptoms for bi polar, scizo effective. it was also the first he knew of this, but he got ordered by his father to stay on that job on second, my husband said no. the union president begged him not to bump the girl and again it was a no, they turned to me and I told my husband this I would not allow marrital relations until he could show he would not take his seniority rights for a while, it was only supposed to be a year or two but with more new hires, people that had a hard time adjusting to working in a plant, the time kept being extended, then it started to include reasons outside work, to not change shifts, not take new jobs, not force people with less seniority to work weekends and holidays, or vacation slots, then came a six day time in July and August 2001, my husband had developed Hydrocephalus from a tumor on the top of his brain stem He one day threw up all over his foreman and passed out, the symptoms had displayed for several years, with his left foot dragging, loss of bladder control, lines would confuse him, and he would complain of headaches. His father just would go into one of his screaming fits, tell his son that he was just trying to be lazy and trying to get some time off, he had not had a day off since arriving home in 1985, They sent him to emergency and did a pets scan on him when they could not get him to make sense and transported him to a neruo surgon sixty miles to the south were they drilled a hole from over his right eye to the center of his head, The next morning everything changed, we started to try and get any cooperation from my husband, he started t talk about a vacation with the three weeks he had coming that year, His father told us that if he was allowed any thing he wanted there was not going to be an easy time getting him to do anything he did not want to do. Three months latter he took a job with his seniority that others wanted to go to a much younger man with political connections, I promised giving him a normal marriage and the greatest sex he ever had if he would back off. he told me to drop dead, then his father ordered him to back down and was put out the front door and told to shut his mouth, That next morning I was told to bolt my husband out od of the house to allow several people to get my husband to remove his name from the Bid, I watched as the four men grabbed my husband, then watched as they were left bleeding and broken on our porch and in the street, four men were transported t a trauma care unit in critical care and all my husband had was a bruise.. the next nine years the only way to get cooperation from my husband was with fire arms he would ask when I was going to be a real wife, but I remembered the rage on his face when he kicked the front door in and told me if I ever did that again I was going to critical care too.
    We never got any willing agreement from him for taking holidays, weekends and he would always have to be forced to not take vacations because there were others that needed the time, Then he acquired MRSA in his spine in 2009 It left him without feeling fro the top of his legs down, it took 3 years for him to be able to walk with a cane. For my own sexual needs I had started having affairs years before, after he told me to drop dead that day, and then started breaking people and things to get his way. but he caught me, I asked to take things into the house off the street two years ago today, He followed us in after moving his car, The man I had been seeing was angry he had been even approached on this subject by a cripple he swept my husbands cane and ended up with my husband fracturing his scull with that cane and because he called my husband pathetic my husband pulled himself over and every time he tried sitting up my husband would plow his fist into his face. he went back to his wife who rebrok his jaw with a softball bat, My husband went into a stress center for two weeks because of the rage he was still in when the police walked in, His father had asked me six months before to go with his best friend to a political fund raising dinner, I had just finished getting ready when my husband walked through the door, I told him where I was going and with who,
    My husband said get out the door that second or face the consequences, I thought top just diffuse the situation, I said I realize that he had not been treated well but I had promised I would go, he said I owed an earlier promise, on made in 1981 and others that were still not fulfilled, I knew what he meant, I said please just try letting you pick a place to meet your fathers friend will bring me after the event, we will meet your mother and father there to and we will sit like reasonable people and talk things through, get every ones needs met and satisfaction for everyone including you some how, I said it is your o0wn refusal that has been used against you, He just told me what I owed him for the last 31 years, He said tonight you are going to be a wife under my conditions. I knew he was not going to accept a promise of the future, no compromise was going to be accepted, and he was not going to accept a flat no, so I took off for thee door, he tore my dress off saying I paid for this it stays.
    By this point I was begging please not like this. It was not love, it was rage, it was the denial he had been subject6ed to, the anger he felt for being what he called a slave. and when he let me up I was sore., crying, and I went in to put a dressing gown on. his fathers friend was at the door yelling at my husband and he said he was coming in, my husband said warrant and badge, and the man tried to force his way in. My husband grabbed him by his neck and said you are leaving now, I am pretty sure he saw his father arriving because he missed the car and went face first into the drive, His father came out of his car asking why. My husbands mother came in asking a lot more, like why was his fathers best friend there, why was her son never at home and what was happening, I had to tell her everything from June 1985 to present, I did report the incident to the DA womens advocate, My husband took my journals and gave those to her to. Five days latter I was asked to come in to talk abut charges. She informed me that My husband could be charged, but then she listed the charges I could be charged with, they included state charges of marital extortion. and fraud , and federal charges of conspiracy to deny civil rights, maintaining an indentured servant by use of armed force, and coercion, A way of saying I lied when promising my husband he had to wait for just a little while longer for his rights as a husband, if only he would do this I had promised a bright future after a short while, they said I had helped hold my husband as a slave.
    I now have nothing to offer my husband to back off he has backhanded his father across the kitchen after he slapped my husband, it was over if I was invited did my husband have the right to insist he was my escort, even a doorman at a club got smashed by my husband that night after he refused my husband entrance with me he pushed my husband and ended up with my husbands cane upside his head and then having his face banged into the sidewalk, with my husband saying that is my wife on the ticket you going to say anything else now..THE OFFICERS THAT CAME SAID THE DOORMAN HAD NO RIGHT TO PUSH HIM. then his father and two men held him at bay with pistols, We left him unharmed when we went to breakfast but he showed up right behind the waitress laying our breakfast down he used his cane to lay the two men open to their jawbones.
    Now we are trying to deal with my husband again His only counter offer is if I cancel my reservation on a cruise next month, he will to and take another for both of us otherwise he is going with me, his debit card is what the reservations where made on, We have begged, we have threatened and even the cruise line asked him to back off, he threatend a discimination suit that would bankrupt them. There is nothing hat is offered no promise of he could go next year, he said no flat out, he said he is fully capable of accompanying me why should he allow his fathers best friend to do so, especially since this is the first vacation he will have since 1969. After finding that out even I have a hard time saying he has to back off.
    I know that he has no trouble now using his cane as a weapon to protect his rights, I know he is really making his father angry with defiance. I just want to find a corner to hide in now, because after the last confrontation last july, I am sure that either his father dies at my husbands hands or there is going to be some thing arranged to kill my husband,
    I never wanted anything to get to what it did, and now I don’t feel there is anything I can do any more. Its come to a point my husband takes all his rights. And the rest of us will have no way to stop him unless he dies.

  2. Hi Freya,

    Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. That certainly sounds like a difficult situation that would be best served by communicating with you directly. If you would please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, we would be happy to discuss your concerns and offer some strategies.

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