50 Obstacles to Leaving: 31-40

50 Obstacles to Leaving: 31-40

Leaving can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship, and there are countless reasons that victims are unable to leave. The question “Why don’t you just leave?” places blame on the victim and undermines the difficult, complicated nature of leaving abuse. To help address this, we’ve adapted Sarah M. Buel’s “Fifty Obstacles to Leaving, a.k.a., Why Abuse Victims Stay.”

hurtful words

This week we’re making our way through this list in hopes of illuminating the barriers that often prevent someone from getting out of an abusive relationship. Today we’re taking a closer look at ten more obstacles.

31. Mentally or Developmentally Challenged Victims: These victims are particularly vulnerable to the batterer’s manipulation and are likely to be dependent on the batterer for basic survival.

32. Military: If the victim or the perpetrator is in the military, an effective intervention is largely dependent on the commander’s response. Many commanders believe that it is more important to salvage the soldier’s military career than to ensure the victim’s safety.

33. No Place to Go: Victims can’t find affordable housing or there is no shelter space.

34. No Job Skills: Victims without job skills usually have no choice but to work for employers paying minimum wage, with few, if any, medical and other benefits.

35. No Knowledge of Options: Victims without knowledge of the options and resources logically assume that none exist.

36. Past Criminal Record: Victims with a past criminal record are often still on probation or parole, making them vulnerable to the batterer’s threats to comply with all of their demands or be sent back to prison.

37. Previously Abused Victims: Sometimes previously abused victims believe the batterer’s accusation, “See, this is what you drive your partners to do to you!”

38. Prior Negative Court Experiences: Victims don’t believe that they will be given the respect and safety considerations that they need in court.

39. Promises of Change: The batterer’s promises of change may be easy to believe because they sound sincere. Victims are socialized to be forgiving.

40. Religious Beliefs: Beliefs may lead victims to think they have to tolerate the abuse to show their adherence to the faith.

Comment section

32 replies
  1. I’m sure other people’s experiences are different from mine, but fear was really the biggest reason why I stayed for nearly 7 years. The abuse started on our wedding night and continued from there. He threatened my life many times, both verbally and physically. I knew he had the power to carry it out and make it look like an accident. Later, I had a young child to consider, and our safety was the reason I ultimately left. Little did I know, my decision to leave ultimately harmed her more than helped her. Thanks to a seriously wrong court ruling on custody and visitation, he abused her for years after we divorced. I wasn’t there to protect her. Should I have stayed until she became an adult instead of leaving the marriage when she was 2 years old? Should I have sacrificed even more of myself so that she wouldn’t have endured 11 years of sexual molestation? These are questions I still ask myself, 23 years after leaving.

  2. Today I made an appt. to file for a divorce. The Christian woman in me is starting to feel guilt over setting the appointment to file. I have only been married 2 years this July. Six weeks after I was married my husband was accused of inappropriate behavior towards my best friends 28 year old daughter. He was drunk. He claims he does not remember the events of that night. I Saw, through the kitchen window, she was pushing him off of her using both of her hands ,palms facing towards him as she was trying to push him off; I lost my best friend and her entire family as a result of that incident. She told me she and her family will not accept being around a man like that. It was either them or me. I choose him since I was newly married and they exited my life. Three weeks later we were talking on the patio in our back yard, he had a few drinks and I noticed his tone changed in his voice and he started to become argumentative over something he remembered about a few of the women of his past and how they hurt him. I told him I would not listen to him place blame on all the women of his past and I went into the house. He followed me in and said something about not walking away when he was talking. I told him I did not believe him that he had not done things in his past relationships for them to end and that it was all the females faults. Then I asked him again if he was having an affair because he had hid the fact from me that he had genital warts and I recently found out. Then he became enraged and slammed me up into the wall and chest butted me against it as he yelled “thats not the f-ing man I am!”. I was terrified. I have never been manhandled before. I asked him to slowly let me down off the wall. Although he has not done that again, he has gotten in my face twice and blocked me from walking past him a few times when I have not agreed with something he has said and I have tried to disengage from speaking to him by leaving the room. Fast forward another 8 mths and I found hints of online relationships starting, times when he traveled when he would not leave a hotel contact for where he was staying in the event of emergencies. Then he put his hands on my soon to be daughter in law in an inappropriate way that made her feel extremely uncomfortable (her words); it was creepy when I saw him doing it and he was not drunk nor had had a drink all weekend when it happened.Throughout these months he agreed to family therapy. We went but he always minimized his actions. Then I found out he cheated on his first wife of 18 years the entire time they were married. Then I found out the entire time he was dating me he had not been keeping up with his childsupport and alimony payments. nor had he prior to meeting me. however he was dating a lot of women and flying all over the country to meet with them….but he was not paying his court ordered child support and spousal support payments to the tune of 3,250 bucks a month. Last thanksgiving was the last straw. He sized my soon to be daughter in law up like she was a piece of meat when she was leaning over to show me some photo’s, she saw it and I did as well. After what had happened a few months before she was even more uncomfortable. Then I found out he was calling an atty to file bankruptcy papers, he had not shared this with me, I over heard the conversation, when I asked him about it, he became unglued, then he started talking wierd to me, at night, twice it was like he was talking to someone in the house but no one was here but me, when I asked if he was talking to me he just gave me a blank stare. Then we had an arguement because he was not going to pay his 1/2 of the rent and utilities…remember now, we are a legally married couple. I did not have a job and he made 150,000 a yr. He said he had no money and was mad because I was “hung up” on him slamming me into the wall. We had a big loud verbal argument. He packed all of his stuff and left. I found out 3 days later he left all the way to NY! That was on Dec. 1. 2012. He has not returned. He has sent cards, letters, emails. txts telling me how sorry he is. ,how he is progressing and has been in therapy, he told me he wants to reconcile, then today the wall incident came up again and he said, ‘you are making a big deal out of it, and you are trying to prove me to be a bad man, you are trying to say it was an act of domestic violence or battery or something” . It is not. I am not a batterer or it not an act of domestic violence. I hung up and called an atty. He does not get it! I found this website and read about domestic violence. Not only is he a rage filled man but he is also a pathological liar, a manipulator, he has not been able to hold a steady job in 15 years. And he blames everyone else for his demise in life. He is a narssistic man. When he left here on Dec. !st, 2012 he immediately started dating. But we were still very married, a Christian couple. Today was an eyeopener, I almost let him back in my life. I was considering a reconsiliation until he yelled at me and told me what he did was not an act of domestic violence. But it was. He slammed me hard up against the wall and pinned me there, he has lied to me, did not reveal he was having a genital wart break out and had been infected for years, and lastly , I feel abandoned. He left and simply never returned. I do not have a job, I am a full time college student pursuing a masters degree. He has contributed nothing financially. I am scared. Relieved. Concerned. Disappointed. And wondering at 52 if I am better off alone for the rest of my life. I feel strong today. I spent 4 months crying and depressed but something has shifted and the fog of sadness has lifted. I know I am a lucky woman. He could have killed me or mammed me or worse yet, I may have accepted his infidelities because I am a Christian woman. I do not believe God will condemn me to hell for my filing. I hope he forgives me. I no longer choose to waste another day wondering when my husband will come back or by tormenting myself with the reality I do not want him to come back because I am actually afraid of him. Today I am safe. I am provided for. I have a safe place to sleep. I have some money in the bank. I have food in my cupboards, I have my health, I did not end up with his STD, my test results are clear again. I have friends who love me. I have a wonderful 24 year old son and soon to be daughter in law. I have a church family that loves me. I will not give up. I pray and hope I will not attract another lying, manipulating, abusive man into my life in the future.

  3. Please help me get out of here, please. I don’t want to leave my dogs. I’m scared what will happen to them.

  4. My x and I were divorced on the grounds of mental cruelty. It was final in 1992.

    I had a house built in 2003. Last year I received a letter from him wanting me to sign the house over to him. He had found me in the county tax records for my house. I IGNORED him.

    After a couple of months I was terminated and have been unable to find work for almost a year. The two things may or may not be related, but I will let the house I had built in 2003 go back to the mortgage company before I would sign it over to that POS.

    The item above about the courts not being fair is true, after 10 years of marriage, he got all of the property except for 18% of his retirement. I had worked for all but the last 2 years, I was taking care of our child during that time.

    After the divorce, there was a period where I could not find a job. He took my son for the summer and never returned him. I filed interference with parental custody against him. It is suprising that I found employment with one of the companies that I had previously intervied with — only after my son was gone.

    I wish my x nothing but ill will and want nothing to do with him or his family.

  5. For Keli: Being a Christian woman does not mean that you can never leave. God is a God of love. Think of all the love you have for your son. God’s love for you is so much bigger than that. God wants what is best for you: for your heart, your soul, and your body (health). Don’t confuse what some religions say with what God wants for you. He wants a life of abundant blessings for you.

    Remember too, that when you promised to love, honor, and cherish, you made that promise with all the love and trust in your heart with another person who lead you to believe he wanted the same things. When we marry, it is customary for the pastor/officiant to talk about two people becoming one. That is a process; it does not happen at the altar. It is a journey that a couple goes through together. If one person is incapable of that for reasons of mental illness or alcohol and/or drug abuse, then it will never be possible for the two souls to become as one. There should be no guilt in your heart. Perhaps you can ask the attorney about an annulment.

    Good luck. You’re not alone.

  6. Lucy,

    I am so sorry for the pain your ex caused you and your daughter. Every abusive situation is different and you made a choice to get you and your daughter into a healthier environment. I am sorry the courts let you down by putting your daughter in harms way, but there was no way for you to know this would happen. Your choices were made out of love for your daughter. If either of you need a referral for counseling, you can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community.


  7. Keli,

    It is wonderful to hear how positive you are with all things in your life now that your soon-to-be-ex is no longer there to hurt you. I understand that it can be confusing about what to do in an abusive relationship if your faith does not agree with divorce. Your ex is abusive, manipulative, and untruthful to you and you are making a very courageous decision to move forward in your life. Here is a list of books about life after abuse: https://www.thehotline.org/2013/05/life-after-abuse-helpful-books-to-check-out/.

    Thank you for sharing your story with our blog readers. I am sure hearing about your journey to a life free of violence will be the encouraging words our readers may need to hear about their own situation. All the best to you.


  8. Terri,

    Please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233 for help. Advocates can look up shelters that let you take your dogs, as well as, safety plan with you.


  9. Hi,

    I’m kind of young and I don’t know if I’m in abusive relationship. I been on and off again with my boyfriend since I was 17. Now 21, I’m starting to realize things. I love him and I know there’s good in him but he blames me for bringing out his dark side. Our relationship went from 0 to 60 really fast. Both our parents were going thru a divorce at exactly the same time. So we became each others support system. At first he wasn’t a mean or controlling. In any case I moved in with him and his family and saw a mimicking patterned from what my mom had gone thru with my acholic father. I refuse to believe that me n my boyfriend would end up the same. The more things that unvieled the more possessive and controlling he got. He always accused me of cheating when I actually caught him. And he called me names all the time. I thought we were Geting better since the physical abuse had stop but it’s almost like he changed his methods. We both had a hard time with the split between the divorces Etc. not to mention when I met him he was in a bit of a slump emotionally. I tried to help but he’s attitude n actions have taken a toll on me on my family n friends. I have also noticed that when I’m not with him I do better I’m happier my self esteem is higher. He says it’s my fault he acts like that. I mean if I don’t answer his imidiate phone call he starts calling me every name in the book. I keep begging him to stop I tell him it’s not normal n he tells me that I shouldn’t misbehave n it wouldn’t. He doesn’t fight fair n he doesn’t know when he’s crossed the line. I been with him for a long time and I know I’m not perfect but could this relationship ever get better?

  10. Dear Carina, Thank you for your courageous telling of your story. Much of what you described will sound familiar to many victims of domestic violence. But it also sounds like you are maturing and have learned a lot about how such a relationship can be confusing. If you were to telephone The National Domestic Violence Hotline, an advocate can talk with you about healthy relationships and emotional safety planning. The Hotline is here 24 hours a day, seven days a week–there is always someone to answer your call.

    There is a new book available that might help you assess your place in your current relationship. It is entitled, “Should I stay or Should I go? a Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can – and Should – be Saved.” It’s written by Lundy Bancroft.

    Our number is toll-free, 1-800-799-7233.

  11. Lucy, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. You did the right thing. How sad that the court did the wrong thing. Victims of abuse often blame themselves for things that are not their fault After all, that’s what the abuser does, and she begins to believe it on some level, I think. Please do not blame yourself. As you forgive yourself, you can move forward to helping your daughter and yourself.

  12. The Advocate I got was no help. Told me to put my dog in foster care. She is terminally ill and lives to be at my side. I Live to be at hers. She couldn’t find her resources and when she finally did wanted me to call and see of any take dogs. I had to escape to make the phone call to NDVH. I cant be calling shelters like I am making a reservation at a hotel. That was her only solution. I guess my dog and I will have to die before I can get help. Its better than the abuse I have to endure He has already killed 3. Maybe this time he can take us both out at the same time..

  13. Hi Laurie,

    Thanks for reaching out to our online community. I can’t imagine the pain that you are in. It seems like you have some pretty impossible choices in front of you.

    I’m so sorry that you did not receive the advocacy that you were looking for when you called. I know it can be very challenging to reach out for help and not find what it is that you are looking for. We try to help our callers in the best way that we can but sometimes our best is not enough and we fall short. For that, I apologize. We won’t always have all the answers and that can be deeply frustrating, both to you and to us. All of our advocates are different, with different experiences and different areas of expertise. So I would encourage you to call us again and speak to another advocate. You will probably have a different experience and get a different perspective. But I understand if you choose not to call again.

    Another thing that I would encourage you to check out are these two websites, here and here. They are both national directories that have information on shelters that can house pets. It might be a great place to start to find somewhere to go. I also hear you when you say that shelter is not an option. That is totally valid. If you call us again, we can talk about alternatives, such as finding transitional housing programs or applying for government assistance.

    Know that we are here for you 24/7 if you decide to call again. Take good care.

    Until then,

    Hotline Advocate MC

  14. I refused to believe what was happening was abuse until it was over. I googled “controlling men” and stumbled upon lists of characteristics of narcissistic men. It described his personality so well I felt like I had accidently fallen in love with a robot. Like he wasn’t even human.
    I met him through our large group of friends. They all adored him and told me how lucky I was. He laid it on so thick in the beginning, I had no clue what lurked beneath.
    Within 3 months he isolated me from our friends, my interests, my family. He monitored everything I did, got my email password, started paying my cell phone bill so he could access the texts. I was constantly having to prove that I wasn’t cheating, meanwhile he was doing whatever he wanted.
    My self esteem, my ability to trust people, my ambitions, my hopes, my sense of identity were erased. He sucked my soul right out of me.
    He would swing a computer power charger around, pretending to be absent-mindedly thinking and not realizing what he was doing. Who does that? But at the time I thought it was just an accident that it *just barley* missed my face. He was always *almost* tripping me, accidently opening a top cabinet and leaving it open when I kneeled down to get something, then laughing when I pointed out that I could have hit myself. His attempts at disguised violence were never successful. But he successfully broke me down mentally and emotionally. I used to wish he’d just hit me so I would have concrete proof. I didn’t think it was abuse unless that happened. But in the back of my head I knew he was just waiting for

    He made it look like I had simply lost my own eyeglasses the second day of a 3 week vacation (they were later found, by the owners of a place we stayed tucked way back in a drawer I never would have put them in), he questioned my ability to be safe alone anywhere until I just didn’t feel safe ANYwhere. He’d abandon me for hours, not saying where he was and saying something just threatening enough to believe he wasn’t coming back.
    I’d cry over things he did and said and then he’d show up like a knight in shining armor to save me.
    He called me names and said he couldn’t be around the “kind of person” that I was.
    He laughed at my artwork, made me feel like I was foolish for doing it.
    He told everyone I was crazy. he made it out to be that I was this clingy girl who wouldn’t leave him alone.
    It’s taken so long to build myself back up. I’m unemployed. I live with my parents. I don’t trust men.

    I’m not friends with any of those people anymore. They still adore him. They even pay for him to go on trips with them. He has the world fooled that he’s just a hapless, dorky guy.
    “he’s not that bad” they say “you’re just heartbroken because it just didn’t work out”

    “everyone loves him, he’s so much fun. she’s just mad she he doesn’t want to be around her anymore”

    I guess they were never really my friends. That didn’t help to realize when I was lonely and starting over.

    How come we don’t learn more about abuse in school? These abusers are so clever and I wish I knew before it was too late.

    thanks for letting me share all this.

  15. Julie,

    Thank you for putting your story of hurt and survival out there for our blog community. You describe an abuser and his “charming” behavior exactly as we know it to be. Seeming so loving, romantic, and kind in the beginning, but quick to escalate the relationship and expose his true nature.

    I am happy to hear that you are no longer having to endure his verbal and emotional abuse. Even though you are unemployed and living with your parents, you are free…free to have an opinion, to be yourself, to not have to be controlled by him. If you have friends or family members who are trying to understand what the abusive relationship was like for you, I would suggest they read Dragon Slippers by Rosalind Penfold. She is a survivor who chronicled her domestic violent relationship as a visual novel. All the best to you.


  16. I too am in an abusive relationship. It so emotionally and physically draining. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. It is so out of control that I don’t know where to begin. I met this man when I was 23 years old. He was married and live in the same complex as I did. He was helpful and was nice and polite to me . No signs of abuse. I moved and lost contact with him. And ran into him again when I was 50 years old. He and his wife had divorced decades ago. We started seeing each other and then he said he was sick and asked me to please take care of him because he said he had no one to help him. So because I thought he was still the nice person that I had met in my twenties, I chose to help. He got well and everything seemed good for 2 years. I was 52 by then. Then he started changing for the worse and then would apologize and promise to make things better. Eventually I so he had no desire to change. His desire was to change me. Calling me names, controlling me, accusing me of everything negative in the book. Eventually he shoved me with all his might and landed me on a door handle that was so sharp that it stabbed me in my back as he was choking me. When I saw that I was stuck to the handle and couldn’t get free, and told him I was stuck… He snatch me up like a rag doll. I had him put in jail. When we had to go to court, he had no attorney and was given 3 opportunities to get one. I was devastated. I was the victim and he still was in control and he got special priviliges. One day in court turned into 3 months of torture and agony and there was nothing I could do. I had advocates and they did nothing. This story is so long and painful. To make a long story short, we ended up back together. Partly because I loved him. And also because of my becoming dependent to his finances. Without him I could not make ends meet. The worse descision of my life. Now I am 57 years old. I gave him 7 YEARS of my life and allowed him to tear down my future as I was entering into a business of my own before I re-met him. I attended classes and flunked out because of his controlling and his destroying everything in my path. Clothes shoes furniture my home and everything he can get his hands on. Never in my face. And when I figured this out and confronted him…He lies. I have been trying to seek help for myself and to no avail. Also he is an addict and an alcoholic. He is a danger to me and has and is out of his mind. I need help I want my life back and never will I ever turn back. But I don’t know where to turn.

  17. Sharlice,
    You’re so brave to have shared your experiences with our community. It takes a lot to share these stories, and we appreciate your words.
    I’m so sorry you’ve been put through so much these past few years. You do not deserve to be abused in any way, and this persons violence against you is not okay. We know that leaving an abusive situation is not only the most dangerous time, but can be extremely difficult; finding help and accessing it can unfortunately be challenging for many, but you deserve the help you’re looking for. At any time you’re safe to be on the phone, give us a call – we’re 24/7 – our advocates can talk to you about what’s been going, and try and help you get in contact with and navigate local resources that might provide that help you’re looking for. We’re completely confidential and anonymous. You have every right to the life you want for yourself. Our advocates are here 24/7.


  18. Thank You KK from the bottom of my heart. I will call as soon as I can. I am beyond being desperate for help. As I expressed earlier about making a long story short…it is really short what I’ve shared with you. He is at a dangerous point of no return. And I WILL NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER! I am at the point that I can stand looking at him. I can not stand to hear his voice. There is nothing he can say to me that I would ever believe again that he says. I only believe in what I see and the torture that he so enjoys dumping on me. There is so much more than what I have written to you. He has destroyed my entire home to the point that I have lost so much. Much of sentimental value. Memories flushed down the toilet. Never to be replaced. I don’t know what he will do next. But I do know that he WILL mentally and emotionally torture me EVERY WEEKEND AND several days out every week for 5 years. He has also included his family by gossiping about me. I really don’t care about what they think or say because only miserable people throw misery to others and happy people are too busy being happy. And believe me they are miserable. They can say whatever they want but I stopped them from coming to my house trying to control me and pretend that they like me and I do not grace there doorstep. But I do know that when I am not home that they have been stealing much and he as given them things that all belong to me. I have nothing to say to them. They have joined forces with him and secretly done so many cruel things. I didn’t know that people do any of the cruel things that they have done and will do if not monitored. But I am sooo tired that I don’t have the strength anymore. My life is at stake and tired of living in fear of what is next, He is so devious that I fear he has put things in my food. I know this is a lot but I need to get this out. Also I want every woman and child to learn something from my mistakes and what the OUTCOME WILL BE. So thank you so much for being here for me and may God continue to bless you and I thank God for you.

  19. i just did. the closest friends/family were 900 miles away from me. i had no vehicle, no money,
    no support….i began reading on the abuse and it said to make a plan. USE a CODE WORD which i did. my best friend drove all night to come and get me–i am lucky 2 have person like her in my life. my text msg platform also allowed me to move text conversations to a “private box” it is called “go sms” and it is a MUST! please! if you can, download and instal this program from google play or ur web browser on your phone–it LITERALLY MADE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME GETTING AWAY SAFELY and him going through my phone after i went to sleep!! the abuse i endured was brutal vicious and life threatening and it was occurring more and more often w/one, maybe two days in between cycles….I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEAR AND HESITANCY and i also understand your reasons for staying & my advice to you is this–PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do what your gut is telling u to! up till ten minutes before she arrived i was talking myself out of leaving and i still have feelings towards going back–so stupid but that’s how being victimized works–but every time i feel like picking up the phone etc and talking to him i do this— i make myself remember the humiliation i felt when he was beating me, raping me, or verbally abusing me, making me feel crazy,making me feel responsible for his abuse on me….he blamed it all his on me, he even had the balls to say to me if i “could keep my hands to myself” the beatings wouldn’t happen—i had not raised my hands to him—just made me want to throw up! they are crazy, insecure, chickens who don’t give a care who or how many lives they destroy while making themselves feel the sick stuff they feel while hurting their women/kids/pets… they are just so insignificant it’s not even funny…i pray for the day that every woman can see them for who they really are and who are afraid to live in the real world w/other people. (wow, that kind-of felt good)….another thing i did was have my local domestic violence shelters phone # under a different name in my contacts “SHELBY” …i never used it but it was there when/if i needed it. about your dogs…..OPEN THE DOOR AND LET THEM OUT!! call your local animal control, a friend, or the police when u are in a safe position to do so and tell them the situation. you may have to go get them out of “jail” but at least they’ll be safe and away from the crazy hateful person that’s hurting you! good luck beautiful. just remember this: YOU CAN DO THIS–i’ll be praying for you and your dogs

  20. Sharlice,

    Thanks again for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like so much is going on and I am glad you were able to check out our site again. I encourage you to give us a call when you are safe to talk to discuss all of this with an advocate. Remember, the HOTLINE is completely anonymous and confidential and we are available 24/7. Once again, the number is 1-800-799-7233.


  21. Angie,

    Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It is great to hear that you are in a safe place and were able to get support from people who care about you. We know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person is trying to get safe. It is so great that you came up with a safety plan.

    Thank you for the words of encouragement for the people who contact us daily. We know that every situation is different and it is important to creat a customized safety plan for each unique situation. Please keep our number handy in case you would like to use it to talk about what has happened or find support in your area or feel like someone may need it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1800-799-7233 and is completely anonymous and confidential.

    You have taken huge steps towards your safety and that is definitely amazing!


    I removed some language from your post that did not align with our community guidelines. If you have any questions about this, please check those out HERE.

  22. SG,
    Thank you for being here for me. Without all of you, I think I would just loose my mind. You give me hope and I know soon I will call you and with your help…I will live life as God intends and not as this evil person wants for me. Which is absolutely nothing but manipulation, control of me and violence and the fear from this. Before I found your site… my computer was growing cobwebs on it. And so was my brain. Thoughts of goodness had vanished. Thoughts of my self worth began to disappear. My heart aches still but I know now that I have HOPE and support. All the women have deep wounds but I hope they realize that they all have inspiration and are moral supportive to me as well as each other. I thank them all from my heart. So to them I say…..don’t give up. You all have more strength than you can imagine. Be true to your selves and You Can’t Go Wrong!!!! And remember that God is here for you and is watching over us. He loves His children and He is guiding us through the storms. He will take care of the men in our lives that are harming us. As Angie said….FOLLOW YOUR GUT FEELINGS!!!! AND WE MUST CONTINUE TO REMEMBER THAT WE DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED IN ANY MANNER!!! LOVE DOES NOT HURT!!! LOVE ONLY LOVES!!!! PROUD OF ALL OF YOU. GOD BLESS. AND GOOD NITE !!!!

  23. I called your program and I didn’t hear any thing too much different. I was given one option to try one place in this town. The other option was to call me back last week. This is so sad and unbelievable. I can imagine the women that have called in the past and that are now dead. I will continue to pray. God is the only ONE that has kept me out of harms way of death. Man does not seem to understand the severity and the rest does not care.

  24. Sharlice,

    I’m sorry you are unable to get a space in a shelter. I know it can be frustrating to hear that there are not any beds available. It is really important to call the shelter every morning and afternoon to see if availability has changed. Also, advocates can widen the search and see if neighboring towns have shelters for you. If transportation is an issue, some shelters will help with a taxi voucher. Please call 24/7 to 1-800-799-7233 for help.


  25. I have no where to go, no family, friends, no job/income. Feel forgotten, maybe I should just let him beat and kill me. Feel so hopeless and broken. I have called the cops several times, they do nothing cause he knows how to act calm in front of them and knows where to hit to avoid evidence. Restraining order doesn’t work, been calling and calling shelters but never any beds available. Trying real hard to stay positive and not play the victim role, but its been 3yrs and no light in sight. He tells me that we are gonna move and I will have to go on the rode with him full time (truck driver) but if I do that I know I will end up in a ditch on the side of the road. I give up.

  26. Jessica,
    It sounds like you are in such a scary situation and are feeling very stuck. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve tried a lot different avenues to try and be safe away from him. It sounds exhausting, and so frustrating. If you would ever like to reach out to the Hotline and brainstorm options, safety plan, or have us help you locate services or resources, please don’t hesitate to contact us. You can reach out to our Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or contact us by chat at thehotline.org Monday through Friday, between 9 AM and 7 PM CST. We are completely confidential and anonymous.

    Please don’t hesitate to contact us for any reason.
    Hotline Advocate KK

  27. i have been stuck in an abusive realtionship also and could not possibly leave my kitties or get rid of them. My life has been a nightmare that I cannot wake up from, what a wasted life I have led…..And I do not ever see it getting better because I cannot afford to live on my own or buy a house or even rent a decent apt and I will not give up my animals, so I am stuck forever unless I somehow come into some money. That is the only saving grace but my family was also abusive and still abusive to me and I will never get any kind of inheritance. I work too hard for the little money I get and will not play the lottery or gamble so I am stuck. Having enough money to get a car and a home is my only solution and that will never happen even though I have worked since I was 13 yrs old. I went from an abusive family, to an abusive husband with an abusive mother who taught my children to abuse me and then finally to an abusive relationship which I cannot get out of without the money to do it. So yes money can buy happiness, you need it to live a certain kind of life and I am not talking luxury, just beyond abusive survival

  28. Des,
    Thank you for reaching out and supporting our blog members and community. It is really brave to share about what you’ve gone through. If you would ever like to talk to an advocate about what’s going on please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
    The Hotline is open 24/7 and can be reached at 1.800.799.7233.
    Our chat services here at thehotline.org are available Monday through Friday from 9 AM to 7 PM CST.
    All services are anonymous and confidential.

    Hotline Advocate KK

  29. Hi there,

    Thanks for letting us know that you found our Blog Post on obstacles to leaving helpful! Hopefully, our online community will benefit from the information shared here. There are so many barriers that domestic violence victims can face when considering leaving an abusive relationship. From what is known about domestic violence, leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most dangerous times for victims. As such, we are here to support anyone experiencing domestic violence. Please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org from 7am-2am (CST) every day.

    Thanks again,
    Hotline Advocate ND

  30. Ladies dont give up. I was a victim for 6 years and my abuser was a narcissist. He hit me twice but most of his abuse was emotional and financial. He waited until I got pregnant and then started being evil. He used to treat me like an animal. I worked full time but he would not let me spend my own money. He would gaslight me so much I thought I was crazy. I had no idea at the time what narcissism was. He was manipulative and controlling. He would humiliate me in public in the worst ways. He TOOK my self esteem and turned me into a bumbling mess. He even had his 10 year old son abusing me to. I had to work full time to split the bills, raise our child, cook, and clean the house 100%. All he would do is work and pay half of the bills and do nothing else. He would go on vacations without me and always put me last. I worked double shifts a few days a week, so I would spend all of my free time cleaning up and worrying that it would not be good enough for him.
    He would trash the house within an hour of coming home and tell me I missed a spot and I was a lazy housekeeper.

    I was always on eggshells with him. He wouldn’t let me relax. Nothing I did was ever right for him. I made less money than him but I still had to pay half the bills AND pay any extras for the family or for our child. This was my life. I was his prisoner. I was completely trapped and there was a true beast in him because he was inhumane. I was so hopeless that I didn’t think I deserved better so I wanted to marry him. Not because I loved him anymore but because I started getting scared that he was going to use me up and run off and it was all in vain. But he told me he was not into marriage with me. After 6 years, he changed his mind. So I asked him 2 more times after that and I was hurting because he was rejecting me again. Well it was a huge blessing that he didn’t want to because then I would really be stuck with him!

    So I found Jesus and then one day I went and signed up for an apt that I could barely afford but I did it anyway and I trusted that Jesus would get me through it. I got approved and I got nervous that I could finally move out and I almost chickened out. Well I started packing and he was out of town and I called him and asked him one more time if he wanted to marry me. He said no. I knew it was what I needed to hear to follow my own gut.

    I packed everything in trash bags and I was gone when he got back. He was sooooooooooo mad at me and said he hated me and blamed me for leaving him even though he was abusive and expected me to just put up with it forever with nothing in return.

    Also turns out he started seeing this new girl who was making fun of me, because being depressed with him I gained like 50 pounds in 6 years and no matter what I did, I could not lose the weight until I left him. Well she was talking really ugly behind my back and he was laughing about it but still was trying to get back together with me. I was happy he was into her so he could leave me alone but he did not.

    Well because we have a child (he never hurt her) he had to stay in our lives. So he started acting very nice & sweet and hoovering back around me, telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He started acting like he would be sooo different because he learned his lesson but I can never trust him. I know its manipulation. Anyways his new girl realized what a narc he is and feels silly because she was in the same boat as me. Even though she was smart enough to get out early.

    So now he is back to bothering me full on. Its been almost a year and he is still hanging around but its better than living with him. I am saying all this to say that YOU CAN GET OUT! It feels impossible because he is smothering you and making you feel like this is your destiny but you can! I suggest once you get out that you do not give him an inch back in because like my ex, he will try to trick you into falling back for him. Your head will be spinning from confusion. Trust me. I promised myself I would NEVER go back to him when I was there but now I caught myself considering it!!! How gross of me! Thats why I came to this site!

    I just chatted with an Advocate and the experience was very helpful! And she was very supportive, something I have not had in a long time. I got some great resources and links to articles here that tackled this issue. Be VERY careful (use some of this sites articles about that) but don’t give up. If I could do it in my very deep state of abuse, then anyone can.

    You can do it ladies! (and guys who are getting abused).

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