Finding Resources in Your Area

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Finding Resources in Your Area

We often get callers who aren’t sure what services are available to them. They feel alone and that they lack options. We can connect them to resources in their local area to help them in their time of need.

The Hotline is a national service available to anyone. Our advocates can talk through specific situations, provide feedback and connect callers to vital resources. Our goal is to help survivors and their family members and friends understand the dynamics of power and control in abusive and unhealthy relationships. We also help create safety plans, or outlines of what to do in certain situations, that are both practical and effective for someone experiencing abuse.

We maintain a database of over 4,000 domestic violence programs. These programs vary from state-to-state and even from community-to-community on what services they offer and how they offer them. We use this database to give callers information about what resources are available to them in their communities. We can even connect callers to those services immediately.

There are some very common trends among these programs. Most programs offer:

  • Some type of emergency shelter for survivors who are in immediate danger — this is typically short-term housing in a communal setting at a secure location
  • Counseling and/or support groups
  • Legal advocacy — especially advice in how to file a protective order or handling court appearances
  • Community advocacy — they can help connect survivors with other programs in the community that can help rebuild their lives like childcare, employment resources and permanent housing
  • Transitional housing — this is longer term housing, such as apartments that are available for one or two years

Some, but not all, community programs also offer:

  • Battering intervention programs for abusers
  • Assistance for immigrants to self-petition their immigration status under VAWA
  • Customized or culturally specific services for communities of color, deaf, LGBTQ survivors and teens

If you’re unsure of the services which are available in your community, give us a call. We can help you locate and learn about the resources that are at your disposal.

Comment section

150 replies
  1. My daughter is attempting to get out of her violent and abusive relationship. I am helping her look for a resource in the Petaluma area to assist her in relocating. She is not married to this man; however, they both share a lease which just changed from 6month lease to a month-to-month. She is giving notice to the management company today however she is concerned this will ruin her credit and thus the future opportunity to find another more suitable home to live in. She is currently staying with a friend. Is there a woman’s group she could connect with to help her through this time emotionally? I am living out of state and feel helpless. What can she do and want can I do to help her? Concerned Parent, Emily

  2. Emily,
    I am so glad you contacted our Share Your Voice blog. It can be extremely difficult to be the parent of someone being victimized and to feel like there is nothing you can do to help. But believe me, just the fact that you are loving and supportive is a huge help. Additionally though, I would suggest you offer her our hotline number (800-799-7233). Advocates can locate what counseling and other resources are available in her community. If she does not feel comfortable calling herself, we’d be happy to give you those resources to pass along. We can also offer you both emotional support as needed. I would suggest you check out the page on our website labeled, “How can I help a friend or family member who is being abuse?” (https://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/). This is a great guide for helping parents be supportive in the best ways possible. We are here 24/7 waiting to assist you both.

    Take care,

  3. i just left my husband 2 days ago and am staying with a friend..i have our 2 girls with me also 7 & 11..i have stopped contact fully with him for a little over 24 hrs now and he is starting to get more hateful..i am not far from him and fear not only for mine and my kids life but for my friends and her kids life..he has never hit me but he can be violent as his brothers are also and his father was to his mother..i left while he was out on the road (truck driver) and because i was told the DV shelter there would take me in..didnt know you had to call ahead..my friend came and got me and i left his car there and came back with her..i have gone to dfs and applied for assistance but choose not to file for child support because it would tell him where i was at.i have put all his calls to where they go straight to voice mails and saving them..this last one i got is the worst so far but know they will get worse..i have very little money and no job experience nor worked in 15 years..i feel totally helpless and no where to go safe..his other 2 kids work in this town and i feel i have to watch my back..fear!!!! funny thing is my new dfs case worker knows all about him and his brothers because her husband is a cop and has put away my husbands older brother in prison before..could you please give me some advice or something to help me out..i know for a fact its going to get worse before it ever gets better..to make it worse he hates my friend im staying with horrible..that just puts her and kids in worse danger..he is very possesive of me..please help asap…. thank you

  4. Kathryn,
    Thank you for contacing us. It takes a lot of courage to leave an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you are really scared and confused about what to do next. Due to safety concerns, I did remove some identifying information from your post. We really would like to help you, but the internet may not always be the safest way to talk about these things. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been in a really abusive relationship. Abuse can escalate when you are trying to end the relationship. If you get a safe chance, please give the Hotline a call at 1-800-799-7233. Advocates are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and we are completely anonymous and confidential. There may be other local resources that you could get in contact with as well, and an advocate could get you connected with programs locally.


  5. I was in an abusive relationship for over 10 years we got together when I was 18 years old.It was wonderful at first but quickly escalated to jealousy, controlling to verbally and mentally abusive to horribly physically abusive where I was raped and beaten black & blue.It was pure torture! Sometimes we would physically fight over weapons such as shotguns & razor blades and drano ( his way of controlling me & keeping me there) I got numb to it all and let it go on for so long. Then one night it got do bad I thought he would kill me. I then decided to leave and not say anything.Because anytime I mentioned it before he would jerk the phone out of the wall and break my cell and take my keys.

    I’ve been gone now for two years and loving my new life I finally feel alive again! But lately old memories are re surfacing and I just found out he is moving a little over a mile from me and I’m scared anything I can do? I had a court orders DVO but it expired 2011.

  6. I have been married for 2 ½ yrs…together 5 ½ years. We each have 2 minor children from previous marriages. He has been verbally and physically abusive to me most of our relationship. Before we got married and we moved in together, he had me sell all of your furniture and belongings….we have nothing. He also makes 3x my salary and controls our money. I need to find divorce legal assistance ASAP, as last night was the most recent physical abuse incident.
    Thank you.

  7. I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 5 years now. It was just emotional and psychological abuse for the first 2 years. It is physical now and have been steadily getting worse. He has become more and more mentally unstable over the past few weeks and last week he admitted that he’s about to snap and start murdering people.
    I never told anyone…I never even looked up anything about abuse I was so scared until 3 days ago because I started to fear him snapping and killing me. I told a friend, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but he’s been helping me talk about it and make a plan to run away but neither of us really know what to do so I need more help, but I have been under complete control for so long I try and try but I am having difficulty picking up a phone to call the hotline. I am afraid I do not have much time to leave but I am having serious mental blocks when I try to prepare things to leave, and I fear if I leave un prepared I would be found and killed anyway.
    We have no children but we work at the same company so I fear I will have to quit my job. I cannot prove any of the abuse because he was very careful to not let me outdoors when I had a mark, and he would not let me make too loud of a sound when he’d hit me so. I don’t know if I could involve the police even if I weren’t so afraid to.
    Looking for help

  8. Hi Melissa,

    Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice Blog community. Due to confidentiality and safety concerns, your post had to be edited to remove identifying information. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now and you deserve so much better than the abuse he is putting you through. If you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 an Advocate can help you locate local domestic violence resources and legal resources. Additionally, an advocate can help you create a safety plan specific to your situation. If you are on a safe computer, the following websites may be helpful as well: http://www.womenslaw.org and http://www.custodyprepformoms.org/index.php.

    The Hotline is available 24/7 and is confidential and anonymous.


  9. Hi Just wanna live,

    Thank you for sharing your story with our Blog Community. I’m so glad to hear that you were able to get out of the abusive relationship safely and that you love your new life! It sounds as if your situation was very scary and it is not okay that he is continuing to try to live near you. While we cannot offer specific legal advice, if you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 an Advocate can offer emotional support as well as help look up local legal resource that may be able to assist you. You deserve to continue to enjoy your life and live it to the fullest.

    Thanks again for reaching out to our blog community,


  10. Hi Tooscared,

    Due to safety concerns your post had to be edited to remove identifying information, but I am so glad that you reached out for support to our Share Your Voice Blog community. It takes a great deal of courage to reach out for help. Unfortunately abuse does typically escalate over time. If you call the Hotline an Advocate can talk with you about your situation and help you develop a safety plan, as well as identify any local resources in your area. The Hotline is confidential and anonymous. Advocates understand that it can be challenging to pick up the phone and call and you are welcome to let the advocate who answers know how scared you are. We can also talk to your friend, if you would like to give him our number as well. Advocates are here to support you, 24/7 @ 1-800-799-7233.

    Thanks again for sharing your story in our Share Your Voice Blog Community,


  11. I am being stalked and harassed by my father. At his hands, I have suffered years of violent, incestuous, overall degrading abuse. It took a long time, but I finally cut him out of my life. Unfortunately, during that process I have lost the ability to call on family members for help who would be out of harm’s way. I’m afraid that if I get a restraining order he will do exactly what he did when my mother got one against him; which was to completely ignore it and send his friends to do the dirty work. Thankfully he has yet to narrow down my exact location, but I’ve seen him several times near where I live, because due to a conversation with my aunt, he figured out which county I’m currently living in. I’m scared that he will hurt my son if he gets a chance and has threatened to. To put it bluntly, my father is a terrifying man. Is there help available that will get us far away from him?

  12. Dear Scared on the West Coast,

    Your situation sounds very scary. I’m sure it took quite a bit of courage to finally attempt to remove him from your life. You have every right to call the police if you are in danger or even to make a report of what he is doing. When dealing with a stalker it helps to keep a log of all the incidents. Womenslaw.org has useful tips on dealing with a stalker, http://womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=178.

    It is great that you are thinking about options to stay safe. Protective orders can be beneficial, but as you stated sometimes they may not be the best option for everyone. There is a resource called the Address Confidentiality Program that may be of use to you. If you would like a number to learn more about this, you can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

    It is terrible that he is getting away with hurting you and your family, none of you deserve it. A hotline advocate would be able to offer guidance and support and go over additional options with you if you’d like to call. Thank you for reaching out through Share Your Voice Blog community.


  13. My sister is in a abusive relationship she has came home with black eyes but she wont leave her boyfriend, she is only 19 yrs old…he is also mentally abusive telling her things like nobody is gonna want u with a baby and stretchmarks. I have tried my best to get her to stop seeing him, i recently called the cops on him for beating her but his mom convinced her to drop all the charges. I’ve very concerned about her and my nephew, i dont want him growing up thinking this kind of behavior is ok. Worst of all this family says everytime he hits her its for a good reason they dont help her out when he beats on her. I need help asap

  14. I want help too.im eden from ethiopia.i dnt want to live in this country.im living with my family and the insult,regect,hit me.i dnt want to live this way.

  15. To Scared; I feel for you Your story sounds so much like mine it brought tears to my eyes.Please call the hotline or come and join us we have a group on cafemom.com heres a link ;


    It’s women that are going through the same thing your are and women that are domestic violence survivors like myself my username is crystalj606
    The women on there are very understanding and will help you anyway they can with resources and useful info.

    It’s important that you get out of this situation it even more important that you get out SAFELY!!!
    You should go to the court get a DVO or some court order to keep him away once you’ve left.

    I know how unbelievably hard this is for you.But you are important you deserve to have a happy and safe life. I’d love to talk to you and help you through this. It comes down to choosing your own life over his! Chose life it does get better ! I’m living proof it’s never to late.It was the hardest & easiest decision I’ve ever made, hard because I was scared to death and thought I loved him.Easy because I wanted to live and realized if he loved me he wouldn’t hit me.

    People say Abusers are ” out of control” but if they were out of control they wouldn’t think enough to only hit in places covered by clothing or be polite and nice when the police arrive .Ut shows they are in total control.Ive learned the hard way Abusers Abuse Because The Can & Want to! They get what they want when they want it they manipulate it works for them do they choose to do so.please join our group & find me.

  16. Jess,

    It can be heartbreaking to see your sister being hurt by her boyfriend. I think it’s in our nature to want to rescue someone being abused, espcially a sibling. Calling the police without her consent can put her in a dangerous position; maybe you can work out a code with her that would let you know when she wants you to call the police. It is important to recognize the kind of help she needs from you right now, which might not include calling the police or telling her she has to leave him. Asking her, “How can I help you?” can be a simple but helpful thing to say to her.

    Here is a link to our website and how to help a friend or family member: https://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/

    Letting her know you care about her and that she doesn’t deserve to be hurt this way can be powerful words for her to hear. And either of you can call an advocate at the hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for additional guidance and support. Thank you for contacting our blog community.


  17. Eden,

    I am sorry that you are experiencing abuse from your family, no one ever deserves that. There is a website with information about getting help in Ethiopia at http://www.hotpeachpages.com. I hope this will help you. You can always contact an advocate at our hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for support and guidance as well.Thank you for contacting The Share Your Voice Blog.


  18. Just want to live,

    I am very glad to hear that you found the courage and strength to get out of your abusive relationship. Thank you for giving support to “To Scared.” It is important to be mindful that what might work for one person may be dangerous for another. Protective orders and calling the police can be beneficial when dealing with an abusive partner, but for some they may actually make matters worse. It is great to offer words of encouragement and links to helpful online support groups, while remembering that everyone’s situation is different and each individual needs to decide what is the safest option for their particular situation. Thank you for sharing with our blog community.


  19. It would be wonderful if there was a real way to escape violence. Yes, there are some resources, but they are not adequate to actually plan a permanent, lasting escape. What if the resources in your area are inadequate or nonexistent?

  20. Kathryn:
    I want to let you know that if you are in the midwest, you can gladly depend on my help. I am a newlywed and my husband is beginning to display some anger issuesf from way back when he was a teen. Apparently, his dad was an alcoholic and left his family for another one. My husband drnks and has a difficult time holding a job. So i recommended that he remain self employed, printing shirts for special occasions. However, I am detrmined that if he gets worse, I am not leaving. HE will be leaving, even if I have o get help getting him out!! And f he become angry, I will ignore him and go about my day. But if becomes violent and relapses into the problems he displayed in earlier years, I will defend myself. I am so tired of hearing that the women have to leave. Call the police and let the abuser get out! After they have left, take measures to keep them out. There is no need to run. If you have witnesses, use them and blockwatch programsd for your witnesses and defense.

  21. Hi Jennifer,
    I am sorry to hear you are having problems getting access to resources in your community. While this can absolutely hinder someone’s ability to leave a situation, it’s not always impossible. Advocates here at the hotline would be happy to safety plan with you and discuss possible plans of action. We may be able to provide a fresh perspective and suggest options you had not considered before. At the very least we may have some useful information on how to take care of yourself as best as possible while living in a violent environment. In addition, you can always find information about safety planning on our website (https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/). Please know that we are here 24/7 to support you and offer an understanding ear. All you have to do is call 800-799-7233 when it is safe to do so.

    Take care,

  22. Lena,
    We appreciate you joining our Share Your Voice blog to share your support. However, per our community guidelines (https://www.thehotline.org/community-guidelines/) we ask that you please not give advice or tell others what they should and shouldn’t do. Every person’s situation is unique and just because one thing works for you doesn’t mean it will work for others. Instead, try to frame it in a way that suggests possible plans of action, but doesn’t claim that this is the only or best way to handle something. Please continue to offer your support and participate thoughtfully in the blog discussions, but perhaps read over our community guidelines first so you can make sure you are being as helpful as possible.

    Take care,

  23. Trying to help my grandma her husband has become abusive and threating to kill her, he has shot holes in the house but she doesn’t know what to do. She is not in good health and cant really leave. I live three hours away wanting to help her but not sure what to do. We think that he is mentally unstable because he can go weeks and be great then something sets him off and becomes very aggressive! Please help I don’t know how to help her.
    Her grand daughter

  24. I have been married for 21yrs. My husband has always had alcohool problem, very jealous, possessive & controlling. I thought this was just the way he loved me, however he lost his job in 2007 & never was able to get a normal job again. He got fired twice from two different jobs that he was able to get through my networking, he started suffering from Depression, mixing alcohol to medicine, it was a horror @ home, I have 3 girls one on her own one in college & my youngest is home 15yrs. Our life become a nightmare & threaten to kill us so many times he said the day I think of leaving him I will never see the daylight ever again!!! He try strangling me in 2010, my daughter @ the time called 911. I was so scared of what was going to happened next , he was taken to jail for 4months. I did let him come back home because he has nowhere to go & no money. I thought he will learn from that & be a better person, my daughters where not happy with my decision of letting him come back home. However he doesn’t drink anymore but he overdose on his meds. We don’t share the same room since then. He is lazy, sleeps all the time he has started this job as a town car driver for the last few months but he barely works, he calls in sick all the time. I recently had a conversation with him regarding this situation & told him that I can’t do this anymore it has been over 5yrs since I am the only Maine provider for the family including his mother who lives with us & side always with him. However I feel so down & trapped, obligated to provide for this people, he doesn’t want to leave neither his mother, he keeps telling me this is my house& I am not going anywhere but with his threat I can’t ask for help while being under the same roof. There is times where I refuse to let myself fall asleep @ night just because he is awake & that make me very worried. My daughters sleeps with me in the bedroom, I make sure the door is locked. I had a courage to take my decision & taked to him about ending this relationship in good term but the way he looked at me was very hateful & scary. He doesn’t want to leave & said ok! It looks like everyone is heading to the CEMETERY. I got chills hearing that. It has been a week ago & I am more scared & don’t know what to do???? Does he mean it? Does he just want to scare me so I will not leave him? I don’t know. My life is just a spin of thoughts in my head. I don’t want to leave because I pay for the mortgage, utilities etc….if I leave I have to stop paying for all that because I will have to pay for my rent, utilities etc…and I don’t want to lose my house. He has told me in the past that he was going to make me lose everything & end up in the street with nothing. I see things happening slowly but surely just the way he had said it to me. Please help!!!!! How can I keep my daughters & myself safe by staying in the same home since he & his mother refuses to leave.

  25. Stephane,
    Thanks for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It sounds like your grandmother is in a really difficult situation. It can be so hard to know what to do in these situations, especially when you are seperated by a distance. If at all possible, please pass our hotline number (800-799-7233) on to your grandmother. We can work with her to figure out the best plan of action and what resources are available for her particular needs. Also, if you are able to call, we can offer you some additional support and answer any questions you might have. I also encourage you to read the page on our website for friends and family memebers of someone who is being abused (https://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/) . It is important to take care of yourself amidst such difficult times so that you can be as helpful as possible when needed.

    Good luck,

  26. Nadia,
    I am so sorry to hear about what you and your daughters are going through. It’s an extremely stressful and scary situation to be in, to say the least. But please know, that you are not alone. There are programs throughout the country that offer all kinds of assitance to women effected by abuse. It can be very overwhelming to think about what your options are, especially when you are unaware of the resources available to you. That’s why advocates here at the hotline (800-799-7233) are standing by 24/7 to offer a listening ear and to provide you with local supportive resources. It took a lot of courage for you to reach out for help today and I’m glad you did. This is the first step towards getting you and your daughters’ freedom and safety back. Call us whenever you are ready.

    Good luck and take care,

  27. I’m looking for group counseling. I was engaged to a manipulative, lying, cheating, player/womanizer that emotionally abused me through neglect, abandonment and nasty games. I loved him but he had major issues with women and cheating. The things that went on was likened to the Jerry Springer Show. Which is NOT who I am. (He liked hookers and happy endings as well as smoking pot). I come from a good family and have morals and integrity. My ex was also narcissistic. There was also physical violance especially when I questioned him. I was pushed, thrown on the floor, my mouth held shut and face squeezed so hard I had major swelling and still have sinus problems from it. He did worse things early on when he was drinking, he forced sex on me one night ripping off my clothes (he became sober 2 years ago). We were together for 4 years, engaged for 1 and he dumped me in March only to travel, go on dating sites, date, have sex etc then want back with me. I was determined not to let that happen again. Stalking and harrassing started. I got a PFA and it has been continued twice. Ist time he was ordered into counseling and to come back a month later. I took the stand then saying I was more wanting him leave me alone, that I wasn’t afraid for my life. It was continued again until August 30 he must take court ordered anger management classes. I feel depressed and traumatized. I’m fighting so hard to keep a man part of me still loves away because he is sick and I can’t live in his world of chaos and drama. I need help. Do I “qualify” even if relationship is “over”? I have little doubt if charges are lifted August 30th he’ll be back. Maybe not right away but at some point. I need to get strong!!! Please help me?

  28. My friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Her partner has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and sometimes he takes his meds and other times he doesn’t. For the past several days, he has not gone to work, won’t let her take her young boys for a walk together and has locked her out of the house. He will carry one of the boys around the house so that she would only be able to take one of the boys with her when he leaves the room. He trashed the livingroom by dumping cereal all over the floor. While looking for his library card, he threw everything on the floor and if it was hers, he ripped it up and threw it away, including pictures, cards and photos of and from her children. He broke into her lockbox and removed his pellet handguns and actually was trying to teach a 2 year old how to disengage the safety on and how to pull the trigger. She wants out but wants the boys with her since she doesn’t trust him to care for them and he would leave the state if she left. He screams at her to leave the house and that it is his house (they rent). When she called the PD, he met them in the driveway and told them that she was crazy and they wouldn’t talk to her or would not let her finish a statement because he would interrupt because they wouldn’t question them separately. I don’t know how to help her get out of the house with both boys. She wants help and she wants out but doesn’t know how. He won’t let her use the computer and she has to hide her cell phone. She doesn’t work and he took what money she did have in her purse after he dumped it out. How can we help her?

  29. Hi Joan,

    Thanks for sharing your story in our Share Your Voice blog community. It must have taken a great deal of strength and courage to go get a PFA as it sounds like you were in a very scary and abusive relationship. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, but you do deserve some help and support. If you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 an Advocate can talk with you, offer support and also look up local resources in your area for both individual and group counseling. Every program is different, but most programs will work with both victims who are currently in and those who have left abusive relationships. Ending the relationship is one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship and a Hotline Advocate can also help you create a safety plan as well. Advocates at the Hotline are available 24/7.

    Thank you again for sharing your story,


  30. Hi Erica,

    Thanks for posting in our Share Your Voice blog community. It sounds like your friend is in a dangerous situation and she is very lucky to have your friendship and support. You are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-7233 and talk with an Advocate about your friend’s situation. Advocates are available 24/7 and the Hotline is confidential and anonymous. An Advocate can help brainstorm ideas with you and also provide you with local resources for your friend. You may also find the book “Helping Her Get Free” by Susan Brewster helpful as it has information for family and friends of a person in an abusive relationship. The website http://www.womenslaw.org also has a tab called “Helping Others” that provides information for family and friends and tips for helping with safety planning. Womenslaw also has legal information on custody issues. In addition there are also tips on our website for family and friends at: https://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/

    Thanks again for posting in our Blog Community,


  31. I recently got married to a man I only dated for 2 weeks, but have known and been friends with for over 20 years. Things were really good at first but after a couple more weeks he started drinking more and more. He is a career criminal and been to prison many times. Everything appeared to be good to the outsiders. The real emotional abuse started when he wanted me to hurry up to leave to return beer cans…. when I wasn’t fast enough for him… ( his boss could see just how many beer cans and bottles there were)…. he started yelling at me and I had no idea what I had even done. We always held hands while I drive and when I reached out to hold his hand, he was like don’t even touch me. Thus was so confusing to ne. I was married once before but was divorced over 14.years ago. And he is now very concerned that I will cheat on him and divorce him. From that point on he became very jealous of every single male acquaintance I had including my father. He even became jealous of my ex-husband. If the exhusband attempted to contact me about our children. He started calling me thewhole time i was at work and suspecting tgat i had a lover with me at work. my current husband would think that he was really trying to get back with me. I had never experienced these kinds of actions emotions and feelings before.

  32. It did escalate very quickly and started to become physical after 1 month. He also started withholding sex from me. He stole all my anxiety meds and the last of our money. I was on medical leave. He was drinking more and more everyday and then the drugs came. Once the drugs entered the picture he was a completely foreign person to me. He ended up getting arrested for drug charges and when he was released on those charges it got worse. I couldn’t take it anymore. He left for the day to hang with the fellas and I immediately went and filed for a restraining order, and filed a police report. He was served and arrested that night. I then got a domestic violence grant that helped me fund relocating to a new home. The only problem is that when he was released for credit time served he continued to harass me all night long via blocked phone calls. I almost got fired from my job. I am having major difficulty with getting the rent covered. I am trying to find legitimate resources that will help with supplementing my rent for 1 month. I am very scared of losing my apartment and having nowhere to live. I do have a grandchild on the way and I don’t want this child’s life to start off with no home to sleep in. Please help.

  33. My husband started bringing in my animals ( I was a former) and killing my favorite ones in front of me. Then he would threaten to kill me just as he killed my animals. I was terrified of him. I had NO one. My parents were dead, my children all in college. I locked myself in my room after he killed my beautiful Pomeranian female mom who had puppies. He put the knife to my throat as he slit hers. I got away and locked the bedroom door. I called the Susquehanna County, Pa. police and they laughed and said, When you have a dead body we will come.”

    I then called the Women’s Abuse center and they refused to help me, said I called the wrong office and refused to tell me the right number to call.

    I called the Crisis Center in Washington, D. C. and the guy told me my problems were so bad I might as well KILL myself.

    This is the reason the next day I ran away and didn’t look back!!!!!! NOBODY ever helped me!!!!!!!!!
    Now I can’t find any friends or anyone to help. How can you say there is someone out there to help???? You LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. I need some advice not sure if this is the right place though. My sons father that has custody over our child was arrested for domestic violence. He plead guilty to the charges. he got out of jail. I talk with my child every night. My son is always telling me that his dad is hitting him, making him cry, laughing when my son gets beat up yelling at him to shut the f*** up. I am in need of some help to get my son out of the abusive situation he is in. Since I do not have custody I cant fly to California where he lives to get him. All I know is the situation is not healthy and my son is always asking to come live with me. if you have any advice that could help I would be grateful. Thank you.

  35. I was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship for 5 years and it took another year after the relationship ended to truly see how unhealthy and distructive the relationship was. After the relationship ended I find it hard comitting to another relationship. It’s been about 5 years since I’ve been in that relationship and recently I got into my first argument with a guy I really care about, during the argument he yelled at me and as soon as he did that my heart dropped and I began to cry uncontrollably. I haven’t been yelled at by a man since my abusive relationship and when this guy did that to me it took me to such a dark place. I’m worried that I have a lot of issues that I haven’t delt with and that it’s going to effect my future relationships… I just don’t know how to take the first step to get help.

  36. Nancy,
    It certainly sounds like you did not get the help that you deserved. I am glad that you were able to get out of the relationship safely, it sounds like it was incredibly dangerous. You are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you ever want to talk or get support. The Hotline is available 24/7 @ 1-800-799-7233.

  37. Hi Brittney,

    Thank you for posting in our blog community. Your son is lucky to have a mom that he is able to talk with every night who can offer him support. There is a great website at http://www.womenslaw.org for information on legal issues and custody. Also, you may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for ideas and other resources. The Hotline is confidential, anonymous and available 24/7 and an Advocate may be able to assist you in locating resources that will be helpful to your son’s specific situation.

    Thanks again for posting in our blog community,
    Hotline Advocate_SS

  38. Ive been with my boyfriend since 2005 and we have one daughter. I want to leave him but i dont know how. I live 5 hrs away from my family and i can’t drive an i dont what to live with his family cause they will enable him. Please give me some advice how to leave him.

  39. Hi Stephanie,

    Thank you for posting in our Share Your Voice Blog community. What you are experiencing is normal. It can take time to heal from an abusive relationship and you deserve help and support while you are healing. Some people find counseling or support groups helpful. Other people like to read and most people work on rebuilding their support system. Everyone is different, so the important thing is that you feel supported and that your healing journey works for you! If you would like to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-7233 an Advocate can talk with you about what you’ve been through, offer support and also help locate local resources that may be helpful as well.

    Thanks again for posting in our blog community,

  40. I am trying to get COMPLETELY out of a tri-fecta of abusive. I am very logical, great common sense, good morals. I mess up whenever my emotions take charge. And I always seem to go to the extreme without even trying. I am a people pleaser & I HAVE to be needed or I go into a deep dark depression. Which of course starts the horrible cycle of stupid decisions. I know this relationship is wrong, I have never felt “love” Like this before. The pain & loss are excruciating, I strive for even a tiny moment of happy from him. I struggle each day to convince myself the hateful things he says are not true. For some reason God brought him in my life. I can’t seem to walk away without any contact at all. I’m so afraid of losing him, even though I know I never had him. He is a very, very sick man. Until he realizes that AND accepts that fact AND wants to get better, I can’t help him at all. Yet I sit there playing Russian roulette in the hopes of the chamber being empty at that moment. Why can’t he see? His father is the exact same way. He takes crap from his father and fears him. Yet treats his mother like crap & is jealous of his step-father who is a sick and dying Vietnam Vet. It is so hard going minute to minute, hour by hour without him in my life, missing his voice, his gentle touch, the utter perfection my life is when we are together. I assume this is all part of the disease. The pain is just too powerful and the “highs” are so incredible! I’m just a sexual, Barbie doll to him, I know this and keep going on like it will get better, I just have to be the little train that could. Meanwhile for the past year I have isolated myself, been gang raped and beaten by his “friends”, punished by cops as if reporting rape to get out of ‘trouble’ with boyfriend, left beaten and overdosing on ecstasy the night of the rape and just being an annoyance to ER doctor and cop, dr didn’t feel like following protocol and do rape kit, making me feel 10x’s more violated since although I know my attackers ( at least 3 of them), they walk away. This is the 3rd time in 20 years I have been raped and not once has anyone been punished. I believe greatly in karma, but this is just insane.. I’m trying so hard to be strong. I don’t know who to trust, if love is even real, what is wrong with me and please help me fix it.

  41. Im looking for a support group and/or counseling in NYC area????

    he hasnt hit me yet but the emotional/ psychological abuse and manipulative controlling behavior is affecting me I don’t know what to do how to be who i am anymore I’m 25 years old living with my boyfriend.. please help me

  42. Karen,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. Living with emotional and psychological abuse can be very stressful and painful. It’s very hard to feel safe in your relationship when your partner is trying to control what you do and how you feel. I am unable to offer resources via the blog, but I would encourage you to contact us here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-7233. We are a safe place to talk about it, and are available all day, every day. An advocate on the Hotline can not only talk to you about what’s going on in your relationship, but also look for support services for victims of domestic violence in your area. Please give us a call when you get a safe chance.


  43. SRM,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. Due to safety concerns and in accordance with our community guidelines, we had to take down your post. You shared a lot of identifying information that could make it unsafe for you. The internet may not be the safest place to discuss what your plan is to safely leave your abusive relationship. I would encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 when you get a safe chance. We are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential.


  44. My husband admitted that he just married me so he can have legal paper here in US,now that he is green card holder his attitude and personality changed,not like the first time that we met. I petition all his kids and 2 of the boys were already in the military,he send them to go there so they will have a stronger connection here. He is verbaly abussive and emotionally because he knows that i only have knowledge of everything.He gave up the apt we live in because his kids are not there anymore and he told me to go to my sister because he doesnt want to spend anymoney for me,he doesnt give money for food and before he ask me to pay for my own rent. He even get my salary to cover the money he lost in gambling and never pay me back,because if i dont he will shout and cursed me with painful low degrading words.

  45. Nichole,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most dangerous times. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re not sure that you’ll have a safe place to go, where he wouldn’t be able to find you. There are local domestic violence shelters that offer services to victims of abuse, and that may be an option if you want to go somewhere safe. It’s important that he not know about what you’re planning. When you get a safe a chance, I would encourage you to contact someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline to discuss safety around leaving an abusive partner. The Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


  46. Jkdenada,
    Thank you for sharing you story with our blog community. You have been through a lot. No one ever has the right to make you do anything you don’t want to, or to harm you phyiscally or any other way. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you are struggling with knowing that this is an abusive relationship but not knowing how to get strong enough to make a change. There’s nothing wrong with you for caring about this person or for hoping that they will change. Abusers tend to be angry and aggressive one minute, and kind and sweet the next. It’s part of the control in the relationship for his moods to fluctuate when ever he feels like it. Some people describe living in that kind of relationship as “walking on eggshells.” I’m sure not every day is awful, but you have shared some very scary and abusive things he has done to you, and I have concerns for your safety, both physically and emotionally around him. If you get a safe chance, I would encourage you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and are completely anoynmous and confidential. An advocate could talk to you about what’s going on in your relationship, and also look up local support services, if that’s something you’d be interested in.


  47. Diolita,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help and share your story. It sounds like your husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive towards you. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential and are available 24/7. An advocate on the Hotline could explore some options with you and also look for local resources for victims of abuse.


  48. I am looking to help my Daughter and her 2 small children. It is 9:45pm Friday 8/10/2012 and my daughter just stopped by where I live. And my Daughter has a cast on 1 arm that is the result of being pushed down to the ground recently and a broken finger that happened today. And she needs a place to go. She is now homeless and gone to sleep in a tent with her children . I am not able to take them all in and will not allow her husband to stay either way. I spoke to my daughter tonight and she is willing to leave him if we find a place for her and her children. But have not had any luck with finding a lace that has a opening. Can anyone lease help us. She is comming back in the morning to see me. We are in Macon County Tn. Thank You

  49. My sister has been married to an abusive man for over 40 years – I don’t know for sure if he has hit her but he has pushed her around and is horribly verbally/emotionally abusive. Four years ago she lost her sight during a surgical procedure. (He HAS pushed her around since becoming blind.) Her children are adults and struggling to help her. She has tried to get out of the relationship. He has become somewhat ‘psycho’ – has some kind of supposed black outs, has episodes of amnesia, has spent time in a psyche ward a few times in the last year, and so on. He is becoming progressively worse and doctors have no answers for his problems. Recently he has attempted suicide by crashing his car into a tree at full speed (in front of their house, but first called her tell her
    to wait for the sound) and this past week he’s been out of it again. Yesterday she made a ‘feeble’ attempt to kill herself and later walked out of the house while he was sleeping after they had been fighting.. (She has no training to be out by herself). Her family (children) are at a loss as to where to go for help. She had made an attempt to start divorce procedures earlier this summer but he talked her out of it. The kids all work full time yet try to keep her ‘covered’ by having someone there almost all the time, but they feel their hands are tied in trying to help her. Please … can you help me to help them, to help her? Thank you. Jane

  50. I am a smart woman- successful. I served 26 years in the Air Force. I am with a man that I don’t love and he doesn’t love me. He is a user.He won’t help with bills, mortgage or anything .He wont leave and I feel that I’ve worked too hard to accumulate “things” for me to just leave. If I leave my home my mortgage and credit score that I worked hard for will be in jeopardy. I don’t know what to do I need a friend and I have just recenty reached out to my family but am too ashamed to let them know everything. I am 58 years old and am sick of myself. I have talked with my doctor and talk anti depressants but she doesn’t know the full extent of what I go through. I just don’t know what to do.

  51. Deborah,

    I am sorry to hear that you are in a loveless marriage. It sounds like you are taking care of the financial necessities and it is unfair that he is not helping you. It might be hard to see this now, but if you are the one contributing to all the household bills, then it’s possible you have the financial ability to live on your own. It sounds like talking to a legal advocate might be a good option, to find out what your rights are, especially concerning your things and home. You can call the Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for legal and counseling referrals in your area. Thank you for reaching out through Share Your Voice Blog.


  52. Jane,

    It is terrible what your sister is going through. Pushing falls under the umbrella of physical abuse and she does not deserve to be treated that way; even if he is having mental health issues. I’m sorry to hear that she feels her only way out of the situation is to harm herself. It sounds like her children are being very supportive, is it possible for her to live with one of them? This situation sounds very complex. It would be great if you were able to give our number, 1-800-799-7233, to her. If she calls us we can better assess her situation, safety plan with her, and go over her options. Advocates are here 24/7 and can talk to her, you, and/or her children for support and guidance. Thank you for reaching out to our blog community.


  53. Valinda,

    I am sorry your daughter is in an abusive relationship. She does not deserve to be hurt. An advocate on our hotline can look up domestic violence shelters in your area. You can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for referrals. If a shelter is full, it is important to call everyday to check availability. There may be other resources and options that an advocate could talk over with her, as well. Like the possibility of obtaining a protective order against him; which might be able to help her stay in her home and have him removed from the house. Please give us a call so we can better help you find help for your daughter.

    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog.


  54. I married to an abusive American man one year and half ago. I moved to US from Canada left my job and comfortable life to live with him. He became more controlling and emotionally abusive once i start to live with him. He let me pay for most things in the house with little money I brought with me from Canada. He became more controlling, criticising about ever thing I couldnt do anything in the house without his permission. One day for some reason we had a fight and he grabbed my neck from the back and he pushed me hard to the ground I did get a chance to call the police and also I was scared what will happen after that, so I packed my things and came back to Canada after four months living with him. He has taken a lot of money before and after i moved to US. I came back to Canada emotionally divested and finically destroyed because of this individual. I have no contact from him it has been almost a year he just abandoned the marriage. I have been depressed since this happened can’t sleep at night and my health is not the same. This individual took ever thing my money, may life and self-worth. Please if you can provide me with any information because it happened in US I can’t seem to find any help here in Canada and also in US. This individual committed a crime but still living his life like nothing happed. I will be very grateful for any information you provide.

  55. Aida,
    Thank you for sharing your story with the Share Your Voice blog. It sounds like you went through an extremely difficult and scary experience, but I’m glad to know you’ve gotten away from him safely. Because it can be very difficult to recover from abuse, counseling from an experienced professional can be very helpful in your process. It sounds like you could also benefit from speaking to a legal advocate about your financial concerns. Advocates at the hotline (800-799-7233) can check our database to see if there are any legal domestic violence resources where the incident occurred. Please feel free to call us at your earliest convenience, we are available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

    Take Care,

  56. I am a man. My wife has been abusive but not physically. I now see problems in the kids. There is little information about what I need to do to protect them. She is basically just like what all the other comments are except physically abusive. Some days are worse than others. I am afraid if I divorce then I can’t protect the kids. Is there evidence I need or counseling available for her. Not sure what to do.

    Thanks for any help.

  57. my 4 kids and i are victims of domestic violece caused to us by my boyfrriend his abuse was so dagerouse i was forced to leave.. we have no home and am staying with a relative across the boarder. what can i do i need to get a place,kids need to attend new schooli need help,

  58. Chris,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your wife has been emotionally abusive in your relationship. There may be help for her if she was willing to seek services, but also, there is help available for victims of abuse if that’s something you’d be interested in. You are welcome to call and talk with an advocate on the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline could talk to you about what’s going on, and also look for local resources for help.


  59. Lailanie,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It sounds like you are in a dangerous situation. If you’d like to talk to someone about it, you are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and are anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline would be able to find out more about what’s going on, and also see if there are local programs for more help.


  60. I am a 57 yr old female whom left domestic abuse after 26 yrs of marriage.I left with me no house,no spousal support and left the car too..Left everything.It hI have for the most part held on. worked learned new things been a struggle and all of this time I had had my daughter with me whom is now 30nwith 3 children. but for the last year I have lived with her and the boys. I just in May stopped working due to a verbsl abusive doctor I walked out and this was the 4th and last time the 3 others someone from the office caconfrontationlled or came and got me to come back to work for them I might mention one of them was the dr,s wife. since I have left it seems that I have edured some of the worst verbal and chest bumping from my daughter and degrading me with this in front of my grandsons ages 20 months ,3 and 9 yrs of age. this is a state subsidized housing apt. and I am not on the lease. she threatens me all the time .I have allowed her to use my car for work and she often has it more than me.I care for the boys while she works at a pizza shop . I have been in and I am the one whom gave up my disability check to provide descent furniture and beds for the boys and many other things has well.she has threaten me with bodley harm and threats of someone else hurting me. I dont trust her I hate that my grandson are subjected to her aswell

  61. I was raped, physically and emotional abused by my mother & others growing up until age 17yrs. After graduation I moved out out and to find a better life for myself. I began dating but found my self dating all wrong guys noone hit me. They would make me feel happy at the moment but within time I would feel lose & negative so I would bounce around looking for someone tp love me & hope to find myself. Years later I had a son and I’m a single parent working to provide for me & him. I still feel I am that lose 17 year old. My.relationships haven’t go any better! I bece to cligy & needy& veral abusive & controling…I still feel lost in
    so many ways but I just drag along to provi ded a roof over my child’s head. But I would like to know what can I do to stop being negative, verbal abuser, controlling, how’s to f0nd myself & l)ove myself ip& others????

  62. Red,

    Thank you for reaching out to our blog community. I’m sorry that you had to endure such abuse growing up. Going through sexually, emtotional, and verbal abuse will definetly have an impact on any individual and their future relationships. It will take the help of a professional therapist to help you work through the abuse in your past and learn alternative behaviors to your anger. If you have an Employee Assistance Program they will have counselors you can talk to for free or if you do not have that program there is a website http://www.helppro.com in which you can look up therapy in your area. You are also welcome to call the Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for referrals in your area.

    It takes courage to admit that you are being the abuser in a relationship and to reach out for help. I hope that you are able to find a counselor to help you become a healthier individual in your relationships.


  63. Debra,
    Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like although you are out of an abusive marriage, you are continuing to be abused by your daughter, both verbally and emotionally. It’s not okay for her to threaten you or get in your face and push you around. It can be difficult to start over after an abusive relationship. Have you contacted anyone locally for support services? A good place to start for local referrals would be 211, which is the United Way’s referral service for assistance with food, housing, counseling, and healthcare. And also, If you’d like to talk to someone, you are always welcome to call and speak with an advocate here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are available at 1-800-799-7233, and are 24/7.


  64. I left an abusive relationship two months ago. I did get help from the shelter in my area for a couple of weeks. My husband lost it. If he would have found me, I don’t think I’d be here. The first place he looked was the hotels in the town we lived. Then a friends house. All the while, the police were trying to serve him with a PO. Finally they got it done and we went to court. He didn’t fight the PO and it’s now good for a year.

    He was abusive in a lot of ways. He destroyed a computer in front of my kids. He told me I was worth less than the pets. He has hit me and dragged me out of bed because he needed something right then. He’s also told me I couldn’t take care of my kids and that I wasn’t a good mom. I believed him for a long time.

    He did however win rights to see my children. This is scary for me because I feel like one day he’s going to hurt them. He tells them things that emotionally hurt them. The latest was a suicide threat. I’m working with a lawyer, but she doesn’t think a judge will take the little time he has with them away. So I’m forced to watch my kids be tortured every other weekend. I do have them in therapy and it seems to help a lot My older kids don’t want to go back, but the lawyer thinks it looks better for me if I attempt to send them. It’s very frustrating. I’d be very happy if he’d just go away, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

  65. S,

    It is common for an abusive partner to take it out on the children once you have found the strength to leave him. Now that he has lost the power and control over you, scaring the children is a way to show you he can still hurt you. I am sorry this is happening, no one in your family deserves to be emotionally, verbally, or physically hurt. I am glad you have them in therapy and have talked to your lawyer for help.

    You did not mention if he is harassing you during the drop offs. If so, it is a good idea to exchange the children in a public place, like a fast food restaurant or even in front of the police station. Also, you can take pictures of the children before they leave you and another when they get back from the weekend with him, just in case something does happen when they are with him…you will have proof that they were ok when they left you.

    For further tips on safety planning with your children and with the exchanges please call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 to speak with an advocate. Two useful websites are: http://www.custodyprepformoms.org and http://www.lundybancroft.com. Thank you for reaching out to the Share Your Voice Community.


  66. My 30 yr old daughter and her three children fled from our home state 1200 miles away to get away from her abusive husband. He has physically abused her (put her in the hospital) and has even raped her (he says it isn’t rape if they are married). He has physically abused all three kids (the oldest isn’t his biological child).

    Right now they are safe (we believe) and are working with the courts and police where they are. They are in a shelter.
    He got served with restraining orders for her and the three kids and recently got served with child support garnishment papers. When he found out his wages were being garnished, he went bonkers. Crazy CRAZY type bonkers and lost his job. He has been making threats to “go finish the job” and has recently learned the town/state she is in but not the physical address where she is staying. He has not been seen in the past few days and may be on his way there.

    I’m scared to death for them. My daughter and oldest grandson the most. I feel he would not hesitate to harm or even kill either or both of them. The younger ones to, to some extent because they are the reason he has to pay child support.

    I feel so very helpless. What can I do to help? I know the state where they are at are doing a fantastic job helping her but this guy is really seriously crazy and dangerous.

  67. T,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. That sounds like such a scary situation for your daughter and grandkids to be in! I understand why you are concerned for their safety. I am glad to hear that she is getting help from the local DV program, and staying in a safe place. If you fear that he is trying to locate her where she is now, can you talk to her about safety in her new surroundings? Some tips may include, being aware of her surroundings at all times, changing up her routine just in case, and not having her car parked at the place that she is staying. Hopefully the program that she is staying at will be able to help her safety plan, and they may even be able to relocate her to a different shelter if there is the possibility that he has found her and the children. As her mother, you can stay supportive and keep communication open with her to stay informed about what’s going on. You are always welcome to call and talk with an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are an anonymous and confidential resource and are available 24/7. You can also offer you daughter our number to talk with someone if you think it’d be helpful.


  68. Allison,
    We would be happy to look up any domestic violence programs in your area that offer support groups for victims/surivors of abuse. I removed your city due to safety concerns, but when you get a chance, please call and speak with an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential and are available 24/7.


  69. I am in a verbally abusive realationship. It gets worse do to drinking and doing drugs. I have 4 children,18,17,11,10. He moved me to Kansas,knowing that i have no family or friends here,. I recently lost my job and im getting unemployment. I did try leavinghim a few years ago,but when i did he broke into my house in the middle of the night and beat me up in front of my kids.I was like everyother women in this situation with kids and took him back. Things are getting out of control,Iam afarid to leave due to what happen in the past.I ahve looked online for help in my area but im not having any luck. Please help

  70. Tracey,
    I am so sorry to hear that you’re in such a scary situation, but I’m glad you contacted the Share Your Voice blog. It can be very overwhelming to figure out how to get out without help. Advocates here at the hotline are available 24/7 at 800-799-7233 to offer you support, guidence, and resources to help you break free. Leaving can be a very dangerous time that’s why making a plan to safely leave is a necessary step. When you have a moment to safely do so, please read over our safety planning information page (https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/). I encourage you to call the hotline at your earliest convenience so you can discuss options, explore resources and develop a plan with an advocate. We are here whenever you are ready.

    Take care,

  71. My husband is trying to kill me he wants to give me an overdose so it looks like i did it
    . then he wants to use my meds because he heard they will give him a long time erection. he was bad for awhile but i started to make him look good to the family by lying and saying he does’nt do bad things anymore . now they all think hes the best thing in the world. he says he would rather me die than to have to tell me all the bad things that he has done to me in our thirty two years together I don’t care if he tells me I would handle it like I always have. but I don’t want to die. he won’t leave or let me leave and he keeps all my medicine to give it to me when he wants to. what do I do?

  72. Martha,
    Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. I am concerned about your safety. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. It’s not okay for your husband to control your medications or to tell you that you can’t leave. It sounds like you’re still in contact with family. Would it be safe to reach out to them for help? They may have heard mixed things in the past, but that doesn’t mean that what you are experiencing isn’t just as serious or even worse than it’s been before. If that’s not an option, is there anyone you trust that you could talk to? Maybe it would be possible to let your doctor know about what’s going on next time you have an appointment. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are always welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-SAFE. We are always available and are a safe place to talk about it. Give us a call when you get a safe chance.


  73. I left my abusive husband a year and half ago. Try to divorce early if you can. I waited out of fear and the legal aide attorney being mia. Finally got an attorney who told me I did not have a case for him to not see the children b/c he (my abuser) did the anger management did not beat the hell out of the children. The attorney did not get the paperwork done on time. Anyway long story short. The judge slapped 100% of the custody eval on me. I ended up with 90% of the debt HE accumulated and he gets to see the children way more than what is safe. The attorney is just awful. He told me to today CPS did not offer to help and they did. They gave him their personal number even. He (my attorney) lied to me over an over. The shelter is finally going with me and helping but now the judge is against me. It is just a nightmare. I wish I had stayed until he (my ex) badly beat me. Then at least he would not have my children and he would be in jail. He wins.

  74. Also I am trying to be part of the change. Hopefully it will get better. But right now it is not and all they care about is getting you out. While they would protect you and the children the courts won’t unless you are badly beaten and even they I hope you can prove it.

  75. Can’t Stay,

    It sounds like you have been through such a difficult time. You did not deserve the abuse that happened and I am glad to hear that you were able to get out safely. It can be a very frustrating process dealing with the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship. I am sorry that it has been a nightmare working with your attorney, you have the right to work with someone who makes you feel heard and helps support your needs. I am glad to hear that you have found support thought your local shelter. You are very strong remaining hopeful and being a part of the change! If you would like to talk further about this or need any other type of support, call us at 1-800-799-7233, we are here 24/7 for you.

    Hotline Advocate MK

    A portion of your post was edited. For further reference please view our community guidelines at https://www.thehotline.org/community-guidelines/

  76. I am finding myself in an abusive relationship, and in a town where I don’t know anyone and don’t have any place to hook. I am feeling really hopeless with no one to turn to, no job, and no money. I don’t know what to do. Right now I am nursing a broke drib, so I don’t want to antagonize him. Can anyone help

  77. Marie,
    If you’d like to talk to an advocate, please give us a call 24/7. We are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you are safe to be on the phone, and have some privacy. You can talk to an advocate any time. We are completely confidential and anonymous.

    HotlineAdvocate KK

  78. I called recently the woman who took my call just talked to me,and said not to worry like it was no big deal what i was crying about. I never had to access anything like this wanting to know what to do I basically was talked to until I calmed down. When I hung up I felt like that call was a waste.I still don’t know how to fix my issue where to get help or who to trust,and outside of someone answering the phone I have no idea what services are offered. Still lost,but I won’t call again

  79. this is a biased site that refuses to print what a person says unless it is in agreement with what looks better for the site now take this down i don’t care

  80. I am in a verbally abusive realationship. It gets worse do to drinking and doing drugs. I have 4 children,18,17,11,10. He moved me to Kansas,knowing that i have no family or friends here,. I recently lost my job and im getting unemployment. I did try leavinghim a few years ago,but when i did he broke into my house in the middle of the night and beat me up in front of my kids.I was like everyother women in this situation with kids and took him back. Things are getting out of control,Iam afarid to leave due to what happen in the past.I have looked online for help in my area but im not having any luck.

  81. Hello P,

    I’m very sorry to hear about your recent experience. Here at the Hotline, we strive to offer support and resources to people affected by abusive relationships. We also firmly believe that you have the right to make your own decisions, and that you are the expert on your life and situation. We are here to help you figure out what you need to be safe, what you would like to see happen, and what steps you want to take next. We are happy to brainstorm ideas with you, and offer all the support we can, while not telling you what to do. You know what you need better than anyone.

    What you’re going through is a big deal and sounds very upsetting for you. You should receive the help and support you need, and you were very brave to reach out to us. If you would like to try speaking with an advocate again, please know that you can reach us 24 hours a day, every day and speak anonymously and confidentially with an advocate. We would very much like to help you find the resources you need.

    Take care,

    Hotline Advocate AS

  82. What about adult survivors of childhood/adult emotional and physical abuse by a parent. What resources are available to us?

  83. Dear Carolyn,

    Please call us at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-7233, and we can share resources we have for adult survivors of childhood emotional and physical abuse by their parents. I’m sorry that you had a painful childhood and we know how affecting this can be on our entire lives.

    Hotline Advocate_MT

  84. Emily,

    Thank you for reaching out to us through our blog community. There are other opportunities to reach out to us that may be safer for you. The HOTLINE now has a chat line that can be reached Monday-Friday, 9am-7pm, central time on our website. If you require help specifically through a text message, you can also contact our sister organization, loveisrespect, National Dating Abuse Helpline to text an advocate 24/7 by sending “loveis” to 22522. You can find more information about this organization on their website.



  85. Hi my name is karen I’m 32 years old I live in New York, I been married for 2 years but we been 12 years together we have 2 kids (1 and 3) he got so mad at mg yesterday and bited me up on the street in front of my kids, I have no document in the country I didn’t call the police because I thoug o could lose my kids I don’t know what to do, he is a good father he has no document he is Egyptian and his ideas are very scary sometimes I’m afraid to leave and he will find me he always say he do anything to find his kids. I m scared they take my kids and deport us

  86. Karen,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to our blog community. It sounds like this is a really scary situation and it is completely understandable to be scared of what might happen. Every person has the right to feel safe in their home and it is not fair that he is not allowing that. It sounds like he is making some scary threats to make you feel like you do not have options in this situation, unfortunately, that is what abusers will do to maintain power and control over their partners.

    There may be local programs that can provide you with assistance in your situation. If you would like to search for those or talk about ways to stay safe, I encourage you to call us, The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233. An advocate is available 24/7 to offer guidance and support. Our hotline is completely anonymous and confidential and is available to talk about your options.

    Until then,


  87. My name is Charlie and I’m 28 and I am reaching out for some advice concerning my mother who has been divorced from a man who used to abuse her for 30 years. Quite recently he contacted her on faebook and they have been talking. My entire life I have heard her talk about her marriage with this man and how he used to be violent with her and even animals. When she left him, she had fled to my aunts house covered in blood because he had kicked her in the face with his steel toed work boots. Now, suddenly she is fallen in love with him again and is gushing about how wonderful he is and how it was her fault the marriage didn’t work out since she was a terrible wife who didn’t appreciate him and cheated on him. She seemingly has also forgotten about his violence against her too. She even said that he wants her to move to Tennessee to be with him which has me the most alarmed considering how she has no family or friends in that state. My mother never had the best judgement with men, often falling in love too quickly with men who used and manipulated her for their own gains such as the time when I was a teenager and she fell in love with this guy from India who convinced her to marry his friend for a green card to prove she loved him or when she fell in love with a con artist from Africa in 2011 pretended to be a man serving in the army in Afghanistan and conned her out of over $600…

    I’m am very concerned over my mother’s involvement with her ex-husband, and while he claims to have changed and such, I’m am un-convinced. Considering the fact that my mother is also bipolar and in the past whenever I and the rest of my family tried to share our concerns, she insisted that we don’t want to see her happy. Since this is an even more delicate situation, I thought I would reach out and ask for advice from those who have more experience with these situations than I do. Please, what should I do?

  88. Charlie,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to our blog community. It sounds like so much is going on and it is completely understandable to be concerned for your mothers safety. We know that people who are abusive do not change very easily because they do not take responsibility for their behaviors. It sounds like that may be continuing to happen. From your mothers responses, it is possible that he may manipulating the situation and turning the blame around to make your mother feel guilty. I am also concerned that he may be attempting to isolate her from her support system if she moves out of state to be with him. Unfortunately, these are two very common tactics that people who are abusive will use in order to gain and maintain control over their partner.

    One very important thing to remember is that none of this is happening because of your mothers judgement. We know that batterers are master manipulators and can make a person feel as if they do not have any options besides following their instructions. Because of all the support she has, I hope that this time will not be the same.

    You are more than welcome to give us, The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233, a call to talk about ways to help your mother during this situation. Your call is completely anonymous and confidential and we are here to offer guidance and support. I also encourage you to check out a book called, Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster that can offer some helpful suggestions to help keep your mom safe.

    Until then,


  89. How do you help a son that is in an abusive relationship? It seems the advice and help available to most is for females, but the reality is, men are abused also. My son has been in a very unhealthy relationship for about 2 years. She lied 3 times about being pregnant, and eventually had a child with him. I have witnessed her stalking him while he is at work, in order to make sure he is where he says he is, and she has alienated him from his entire family. Once he moved in with her she convinced him to get rid of his cell phone, and stopped his attempts to get his drivers license. She does things to make him believe we do not care for or love him. He has stated that she has hit him with a phone while he was talking to his dad, because she wanted him to pay attention to her. She has also bitten him in the past.
    My grandson was born in August, and she denied his family the opportunity to see the baby at the hospital. Both families were present; her’s was allowed in to see him, and his family was left in the waiting room for 6 hours, until we finally just left. In October, she told us they were getting married, and by the end of November they were. She didn’t allow his family to participate in wedding prep or to be a part of the wedding. She has used these incidents as a means to show him that we do not want to be involved and how we do not care about him (even though she is the reason for our inability to get involved).
    I believe her father has threatened our son, and he is the reason they were married. I truly believe my son is scared and feels trapped. We told them both that we could not carry out a relationship unless it became more positive and healthy, but this has just reinforced her ability to control him.
    I am scared for my son. I should add, he has some developmental delays, also. I believe this is in part the reason for his inability to see through her lies and torment. He has extremely low self-esteem. I am also scared for my grandson, as I believe based on my sons words that she has the potential to abuse him as well. She has pinched his face, screamed at him, and left him to cry because she didn’t feel like feeding him. She is very selfish; we visited them just after the baby was born. It was about 55 degrees outside, and upon entering the home we observed every window open and fans going, because she was hot. My son was in his winter coat, and the baby was sitting in his swing bundled in blankets. We could not remove our coats because it was too cold in the house. We questioned her and she simply stated that she was hot and they could deal with it.
    There are so many other examples, but the bottom line is: we need to get help for our son. We have very little financial resources, and I believe it will become a very dangerous situation for him, the baby, and us when he does finally leave.

  90. Hello Angel,

    I thank you for seeking out support for your son. You are right, men do experience abuse as well, and as a matter of fact 1 in 7 men will experience abuse by an intimate partner in his lifetime. It is absolutely not acceptable for this to be happening to your son and he does not deserve to be treated this way. It sounds like your son’s wife is extremely controlling and is also trying to isolate your son from his family and support system; this is common in abusive relationships as a means of gaining power and control. It is very alarming that she has also been physically abusive towards your son, in addition to the conditions that she has been putting him and your grandson in. I know that you are very worried and concerned for your son, and I want you to know that there are ways in which you can help him. I want to encourage you to give us a call so we can discuss options that may help your son. Our 24 hour hotline number is 1-800-799-7233; we are confidential and anonymous and are here to offer you support. Additionally please view the following link from our website on how family and friends can help someone in an abusive relationship (https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/). I hope you will be able to contact us, and again thank you for what you are doing on behalf of your son, because support from family really does make a huge impact for an individual in an abusive relationship.


    Additionally of you know that your grandson is being abused or neglected you can take action by calling your local state child abuse reporting hotline to report any child abuse or neglect.

  91. I don’t know if there is help for someone like me. My husband has never hit me or our 2 kids, but he is emotionally abusive. I am so tired of being yelled at and called names every day. I am tired of watching him yell at our kids for no reason. He has a drinking problem and he is so angry but he refuses to seek help. I have been depressed because he just tears me apart little by little, and he wonders why I mope around. I can’t just get me back. It’s been 4 years of this and it’s progressively getting worse. But I don’t thinkt there’s any help for me since he doesn’t hit me.

  92. Sarah,

    Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, and I am glad that you have. What you are describing is a very abusive situation and there may be help for you with this emotional and verbal abuse. We know that abuse happens because one person wants power and control over their partner, and uses different tactics to maintain this control, like insulting their family, refusing to take responsibility for their actions, and using excuses like alcohol to justify their behaviors.

    It sounds like things have been escalating and I am concerned for your safety. As I mentioned, because this is still abuse, there may be help in your area. An advocate with the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find that help and can also brainstorm ways to stay safe for you and your children. I am sorry this has happened and you do not deserve to feel like you are being torn apart. Know that the hotline is completely anonymous and confidential and is available 24/7.

    I hope you are able to call.

    Til then,


  93. What do you do as a parent when your daughter shows up on your doorstep with our two grand children because her husband is abusing her and she has already called the police on him. You take her in and try to support her but then a couple days later she is going to court with her husband so he will receive a lighter sentence. She says she needs some time away from him but her actions show otherwise. I made the mistake of saying something to my sister, who in turn told my daughter she would be praying for her and then all hell broke loose and my daughter turned against me. she is now angry at us (my husband and myself) because we do not like this husband who abuses her and now we are the bad guys! Ugh…. she refuses to have anything to do with us until we apologize. Is this common of battered women?

  94. Hi Barbara,

    Thanks you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you are going through a lot. Domestic violence can often be a very complicated and confusing, especially for people on the outside. Abusive people are often very manipulative and will threaten, cajole and coerce their victims into doing what they want. They know exactly what to say in order to maintain control over their victims. This can often look like the victim doing things that seem irrational but often times they are doing what they think will keep them safest. They will often side with their abusers because to do otherwise would put them in more danger.

    I would really encourage you to give us a call at 1(800)799.7233. We can talk about ways that you can approach your daughter so that she can hear you and get the support that she needs. I know that this must be really scary for you and it can be overwhelming if you feel like you have no one to talk to. We are here 24/7 and we are completely confidential and anonymous.

    Until then,
    Hotline Advocate MC

  95. My heart is heavy, my daughter got bailed out by her husband one week before she went for her initial hearing,She had to leave the state where she lives because his mom was coming to visit, his mom pays all the bills, she went to a different state and got arrested on drug charges,( he put her in the hotel for the night, has buddies in that area, and he admitted calling the police), sounds fishy to me, he then tormented her telling her he was getting her out every weekend for 3 months, he tortured me for a week with lies so I can imagine her suffering. She was supposed to go to court the 28th,(she IS an addict, but not the drugs she was busted with, while serving his country he got her hooked then got kicked out of the service for the drug abuse, is going to school now on the GI bill). Since she went back to the state she is in now, we have heard from her 2 times then nothing. My son in law was bombarding my phone with awful texts about her seeking out drugs, and sleeping around on him, (NOT at all the place she is coming from, right now) then when we begged to talk to her he said she refuses to come to the phone, says if i tell her what he has shared with me he will have heck to pay. This was last weekend, he wouldn’t leave me alone, but refused to let me talk to her. Then Monday I started calling telling him I was calling the police, he said she “has some sort of memory loss, cant remember anything that happened this weekend” yeah right! I got a text from “her” saying if i call the police she will go to jail because she didn’t go to court for a previous thing, I don’t want to send her back to jail. I don’t think there is anything outstanding I think he created that stuff to hold over her head, but Im not willing to take that chance… My dying sister was allowed 1 minute on Monday on the phone she asked that we please pray the Armour of God on her!!! She was doing good but her nerves were shot. I can only imagine living with this man. I went to the Nation Domestic Violence web site and there are 15 things listed that say if you answer yes to ONE of these you are in an abusive relationship, there are 13 he currently does. I don’t want to jump the gun, or over react, and my father tells me to stay out of her marriage. But, I DO want to save my daughter and I am worried for the grandsons. My brain tells me to call CPS just to protect the two grandchildren. My other daughter was on the phone to her just ONE day after she got home and heard him yelling and screaming calling her names and she was begging him to stop yelling at her in front of her children he wouldn’t, then the phone went dead, but not before “Suzy” heard her tell him I’m sorry I’m sorry i didn’t say anything bad please stop. we are all losing sleep over this. The ONLY reason I have not called the police yet is because, I think the way to go is reach out to the domestic violence people. He was arrested once and forced her to lie he would have gone to prison for what he did to her, but his mom got to her too.(his mother, told her once that “If you keep your mouth shut, behave, and endure, you could have it real good, all your bills paid, living in a condo, never have to work” ). Then, her and the children were removed from the home because the women’s shelter heard him abusing her verbally in front of the children, CPS did a half way check and they went back to him. When he moved her to his mothers home in another state, (effectively isolating her from EVERYONE, she has no cell phone, he took her ID, SS card, her birth certificate and the children’s too and locked them somewhere she can’t find them) one month almost to the day later he got HER arrested saying she hit him, what actually happened is he was choking her and she scratched him fighting for her life, and because he had a mark and she did not they took her to jail. She WAS 100% clean when she got out of jail. She said she did not want to go back to that crap life. BUT he has held her down before and injected her with heroin so is he a psychopath and what do I do? I want to be smart and need professional guidance. What would you do? He really is, scary convincing he is a “good guy” and SHE is the problem, but I KNOW my child, shes not a saint but she is being abused. Mentally tortured by him. She has been beat down so badly she wont leave for fear shes too dumb to make it on her own.He holds the kids over her saying there is NO way a court would give her custody, now that she is a convict. While she was pregnant he held her over a balcony and told her he was going to tell everyone she jumped, he has tried several times to have her declared insane, for a short time we had to sneak food to her because she was forced to eat what he and the children left on their plates. He does not keep food in the home, he has withheld her medications on several times forcing her to go off of them for a week or two then will give her one or two pills, convincing her he is her savior. When she was nursing their child she was not allowed to sit in the rocker she had to sit beside it, he used to abuse her leaving bruises and I do have one picture of a black eye, he broke the TV remote over her head and broke her finger when she was pregnant, I do also have a picture of him (not a good one) shooting up. He has beat her and hit her after the service saying “I know where to hit you and not leave a bruise, would sit on her and attempt to break her knees by punching her, he has punched her in the head, the stomach so hard she thought he ruptured something, broken her ribs too. He wont allow her or himself to work and when she does work he ruins it for her. Has forced her to be a stripper so HE can have the money and use it for drugs. When we have gone to his mother she insists my child is the one with the problems and he even has had my child pawn his mothers things to get his mother to file charges on her so he can get the children. They hold all of this over her head. SHE has made some wrong choices and is no saint BUT NOBODY deserves this. Right? I want so desperately to do what is right here and not follow my heart. Any advice and PRAYERS will surely be appreciated here. I hope if I have given too much info you will edit this. Thank you!

  96. In October I was assaulted by my boyfriend. One of the happiest, most affectionate and kindest men I had been with in a long time. The next morning even though I was sore and hurt both emotionally and physically, I told myself it wasn’t the way it seemed and I tried to just get over it. He mentioned to me that he didnt get to finish again because I “didnt seem into it”..my heart sank. I told him “no, no I wasn’t. it was excruciating. You hurt me. He just replied “Ah. Well, I like being woken up with sex so feel free to, anytime” I told him “I wasnt asleep, I was unconscious”…The next couple days I went on like nothing had happened and we got on fine. It wasnt until I tried to sleep that uneasiness took over and I cried myself to sleep. . . .Finally, I dont know what hit me but I had to go. I told him I was moving away that day because I couldnt stay in this town and I left. I still hadnt put the pieces together. I thought I was just being emotional. When I got back to my house and i was alone, the panic took over. My skin began to crawl and every noise and every shadow made me flinch. I frantically tried to explain it away as panic brought on by losing whatever I had been looking for..until I sat on the floor and a shirt off my dresser fell down behind me and I jumped out of my skin and began crying and trembling. It hit me that this caring man that smiled at me so sweetly, That I trusted so completely and who put out every one of my silly fires…had hurt me. deliberately and without remorse, hurt me. I was so ashamed at the scenario that all I wanted was to die. right then and there because unlike any past abuse, this was someone I loved…i cried for help to friends, my facebook page because I was so terrified of myself..nothing. I thought, maybe if I go to him, tell him what he did. Maybe he just doesnt know. Maybe if he just apologizes this will stop…My please for help went unanswered. The next day I was scolded for my behaviour and..when attempting to stand up for myself, proceeded to lose friends Id had for years because this new stranger was soo charismatic and cool. Just a bleeding heart musician with a smile that lights up a room. I was a “bully”. I was a liar. I am just being dramatic because he dumped me. One person called me repulsive when I said that I had wanted to die that night. Repulsive for having no respect for life.

    three months later and I havent even reported him. Because I feel like if I do, somehow things will just get worse for me. Instead I stay locked in my room afraid to go much and I havent had a real conversation with anyone Oh and Ive gained a whopping 30 lbs..I’m overwhelmed and uncomfortable breathing. I wonder if I imagined the whole thing. If I did, I really wish my skin didnt still feel so sick and damaged.

  97. Stella,

    Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. This sounds like such a difficult situation. I can tell you really want to help your daughter and I am so glad you are contacting us. We know that no one is fully equipped to navigate through these situations. We are definitely here to offer support and explore different options to get her safe.

    It sounds like he is extremely abusive and using a lot of different tactics to maintain control in the relationship. The isolation, the lack of access to resources, constant insults and physical abuse are all things he is doing to gain more control and make her feel vulnerable. I think you may be right, she may feel so torn down and not have the emotional strength to make any changes. Because this does sound like such a complicated situation, with the challenges around communication, I encourage you to give us a call, 1800-799-7233. Advocates are available 24/7 and your call is completely anonymous and confidential.

    I think its amazing that she has many people willing to help her! We may be able to brainstorm ways to help her realize that. If you are not able to contact us soon, I encourage you to check out a wonderful book called Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster. It offers a really great approach to helping a loved one through this situation. Once again, it sounds like there are some very specific challenges, and I do hope you are able to give us a call to talk everything through.

    Until then,


  98. Bailey,

    Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It takes so much courage to reach out for help and I am sorry your previous attempts haven’t been positive. It sounds like this was so scary and confusing. I’m sure it does not help that he minimized the severity of the situation. I am sure it took a lot of strength to stand up for yourself, and share your experience, not only to him but to the public as well. Unfortunately, many people do not understand how traumatizing sexual assaults truly are and when asked for help tend to blame the victim instead. I am so glad that this has not deterred you from reaching out to us. I will encourage you to give us, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, a call at 1800-799-7233 to speak with an advocate about possible options as well as explore strategies for self care. It is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and that is why we are available 24/7, to offer that guidance and support.

    I also wanted to let you know that I removed some details from your comment. I understand that it takes a lot courage to be so open and vulnerable to a stranger, and I truly appreciate that. Because our blog is public, we strive to keep this space safe and remove any triggers for our readers. Know that this does not mean, you cannot discuss the details with an advocate if you decide to give us a call.

    Once again, thank you so much for contacting us.


  99. My name is tina diblasi. And i can not. Call the hot line due to the fact that my husband watchs my phone records, but i have been married for 7 years and he has been very verbally abusive and i just want to get out with my 5 kids, i had my son from a previous relationship go stay with his father because he is very mean to my son and i think its just because hes not his. But i have some where to go i just have to some how get out, he dosent leave the house for very long and i have no money to pay for a u haul to get my stuff. I contacted local police to see if they could help and they told me no. So can you please email some info please because i cant call anyone. Please

  100. I have been married for seven years. We met when I was 18, we have two children ages six and two. The past two years he has been very emotionally abusive to me. He has never hit me, but he has thrown things at me. He drinks a lot and has a problem, he has wrecked vehicles, even passed out in the woods overnight after wrecking his truck while driving drunk. He has chosen alcohol and his friends over our family and I want to leave. Right now I have nothing. I have been going to school, but I have no job. He is the sole provider of financial support. I just can’t stay much longer. I am actively seeking full-time employment so I can get my plans in a row and leave. I don’t want to subject my kids to a shelter or anything like that. I just can’t stay and be unhappy and on eggshells the rest of my life. I am tired of waking up nervous in the morning wondering what kind of mood he will be in. One minute he is caring and everything is fine, then the next everything is horrible, I am lazy, and he is sick of everything. I can’t do it anymore.

  101. my husband is emotionally abusive and tells me i have no right to say anything because i don’t pay the bills. sometimes he doesn’t buy food, and he never buys groceries. he won’t take me to the doctor. i live in a small town where my only choice for a job is fast food restaurant. i have no license and can’t get a job outside my neighborhood, or take myself to the doctor. i have a dog that i love as my own child, and that’s the only reason i haven’t just walked out the door and become homeless. also, he wouldn’t let me get a divorce from my ex before i had to marry him, so technically we’re not married, but we’ve been together over 7 years, so i think we’re at least common law married. he drains me emotionally, doesn’t listen to me (even when i answer him, i have to repeat myself). i sleep on the couch, and am sometimes locked out of the bedroom (where the bathroom is), cause he’s doing drugs. he lets his sons disrespect me and do whatever they want. i had a job once, but i couldn’t sleep for everyone coming in and out loudly at all times, even 10 times within a 30 minute period.. only to do it again an hour later. when my family members died, he offered no support, not even a hug, but demands support from me. he has denied me, even pushed me away, intimately for over 4 years (of the 7). he thinks he’s not abusive because he doesn’t hit me, and says i’m free to go whenever i want. he works 3rd shift, so i’m not allowed to make noise ever, which means i can’t clean the house either, which gives him another thing to yell about. but i’m so drained and depressed, it’s hard enough to pull myself out of bed, much less the door, and i don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t even have the confidence to get another job. i don’t even know if i know how to live anymore.

  102. Tina Diblasi,

    I understand that it is not safe for you to call us, as your husband is controlling and monitors your phone activities. We want your safety to be first priority so please do not call if it is not safe to do so. However I want you to know that we do have Hotline Advocates available through live chat Monday to Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. CST. You can easily access the chat option by going to our main website, http://www.thehotline.org and pressing the CHAT button on the top right hand corner of your screen. I hope this is a safer option for you. Our advocates can offer your support as you plan a safe way to leave your abusive situation.

    Hotline Advocate MK

  103. Lindsie,

    It must be so difficult waking up nervous day after day, not knowing what to expect from your husband. Even though he has never hit you, it sounds like he is still physically hurt you by throwing things at you. It is not ok for him to do this to you. Additionally I know you mentioned experiencing emotional abuse from him in the past two years. You truly do not deserve to be treated this way. Abuse in any shape or form is never ok. I know that you are concerned not only for your safely and well being, but also the safely and well being of your children. Please know that you can call us and we can discuss what options may be available for you. Even with limited resources, options still exist and we are here to explore with you ways which you and your children can find safety. Our number is 1-800-799-7233. We are confidential and anonymous and are here for you 24-7. Give us a call when you are safe to talk.

    Hotline Advocate MK

  104. I am writing this out of complete fear and desperation. I was abused by my husband on January 27th 2014. I called 911 after he left the house and I called 911 to go the hospital and then the East Texas Crisis Center. This time, he punched me in the face and hit and kicked me. I went to the smith county sheriffs office and left a written statement as well as my wish to press charges on February 5th. After going to the sheriffs office I fled the city of Tyler to an undisclosed location with the help of friends.

    The sheriffs office, as of yet, has not done one thing in putting a warrant out for my husband, an emergency protective order or even just protection. I am in great fear of this man. He worked with the Gregg County Sheriffs office for almost 30 years, The Tyler police department for a short time in his early career (mid 70s) and just retired as a Navy Reserve Master Chief Intelligence Specialist. He hold a qualified security manager licence, a concealed handgun licence, he currently acts as a private protection officer and qualified security manager of Mr. Ruel Morton. He has numerous guns, including a sniper rifle, shot guns, a carbine, automatic handguns, revolvers and is highly trained in martial arts. he is also an expert marksman. He also has possession of his fathers numerous weapons. This man has been abusing me for over 6.5 years and I just worked up enough courage to call 911 on January 27th. I do not feel that I am being taken seriously at the sheriffs office, I have a detective and detective sergeant handling the case. They go without returning voicemails or emails as I have sent many. I even had an occasion where the detective sergeant did return a call after sheriff smiths admin assistant called him and told him to call me back. He was very angry and frustrated with me and let me say very few words. After being disconnected twice, I called the admin assistant back and she basically made excuses saying that they have three times the workload as usual and that he was probably just frustrated about something else. Now I am forced to go up the chain of command until I get some answers or protection. I have sent Sherriff Smith an email explaining everything yesterday and have not heard back. I have sent Judge Baker and email, and contacted our JP. I am sending this to you as well as state representatives and Senator John Cornyn and Ted Cruz. I need help, we need protection, I need answers!

    I don’t want to die at the hands or bullets of this man. I don’t want my children (his step children) to be in danger any longer. I don’t want other women to be injured or killed at the hands of their abusers. What does it take?

    Does the police or sheriffs office have to catch an abuser in the act, does the victim have to be very seriously injured or even dead to get any action or protection against an abuser? The most dangerous time for a woman being abused is when she leaves. Yet, what does it take to receive any protection? I would NEVER recommend a young woman leave her abuser unless she has a very secure safety system as the law will do NOTHING.

    please advise

    Sent from Windows Mail

  105. Dear Nancy Jo,

    Thank you for sharing your story with our readers. We have many callers who find themselves in unsafe situations and fear for their lives and the lives of their kids. Your abusers history in law enforcement and the fact that he has access to so many weapons puts you at greater risk. I am glad you had friends that were able to get you to a safe and private location. You are a s/hero to be so strong and to save your children from this ugly situation.

    I am sorry that the local law enforcement agencies haven’t been more helpful. I can imagine how frustratiing that is. Maybe the local domestic violence agency could help you with the protective order? Please call us so that we can get you some resources. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is (800) 799-7233(safe).

    Hotline Advocate_MT

  106. Dear Nancy Jo,

    Wow, it sounds like you are really going through so much! We know that batterers in law enforcement can be incredibly difficult to face. Because they are often well connected, it is hard to get protection from the police. It also sounds like you’ve done so much to try to get the help that you need but you keep running against these walls that keep you from getting it. One organization that might be able to help is the Texas Advocacy Project, they help victims of DV get the legal assistance they need.

    I would really encourage you to give us a call at 1(800)799.7233. We are completely confidential, anonymous and we are here 24/7. We can talk about a safety plan and hopefully get you connected to some resources that can help.

    Until then,
    Hotline Advocate MC

    PS I had to take down some of the personal information that you posted for your safety. Please feel free to review our community guidelines if you have any questions.

  107. I’m a guy who has been Married for 26 years and the verbal abuse is getting significantly worse. This week, I have strep throat and my wife has screamed at me names I wouldn’t yell to a dog in the street. She is convinced I picked up this bug to ruin her week and has said as much to me and our children.
    At the doctors today she walked so far ahead of me I was winded keeping up with her. I finally gave up and slowed down. She yelled at me for being too slow.
    The yelling this week is, sadly, becoming typical of how she treats me: with contempt, disdain, and ridicule. Of course, she does not believe she is ever wrong and that I deserve to or need to be upbraided. I feel empty and hollow inside but am still here for our three children.
    I’ve tried to make her happy and bought a Valentine’s gift. She had yelled at me the previous day for being obnoxious, stupid, and lazy. She called the chocolates cheap and the jewelry cheesy and beyond cheap. Nothing makes her happy and she takes her frustrations out on me.
    I am going to call a therapist if only for my own sanity and not believe her verbal and emotional abuse.

  108. Ralph,

    It must be so difficult dealing with emotional and verbal abuse from your wife daily. You do not deserve to be treated that way and it is never OK for her to say such vulgar words to you. I know that being in such a relationship can be draining and as you said it is causing you to feel empty and hollow inside. Abuse is a lot about power and control, and one way that individuals who are abusive to others try to attain that is through emotionally abusing another person. Placing all of the blame on you and making everything seem as if it is your fault, and not hers, is one component of emotional abuse. It almost sounds like you could do everything perfect and she would not be satisfied. This is how individual who emotionally and verbally abuse others tend to be, never satisfied, and very critical and blaming of their partners. You deserve better and the way she treats you is never acceptable. You are right not be believe the abusive words she throws at you, and I am glad that you are reaching out for help. Please know that we have a 24-7 hotline in which advocates are available to help connect you to resources that can support you during this hard time. Our support is here for you so please give us a call when you can at 1-800-799-7233. We are confidential and anonymous and are here for you.

    Hotline Advocate MK

  109. I don’t no what to do. I was with him for 7 yrs. 90% of the time he was abusive. He wasn’t shy about it at all. The first time he hit me was in a public store. He has hit me in front of my mother. It was really bad. And toward the end. It got worse as far as the beetings went. The last time he hit me, he did it in front of my friend. She got me out the house. I called the police for the first time. He was arrested. But he didn’t show up for court. So I don’t no were he is. I had to leave my apartment because I was afraid to be there. Now I’m bouncing around from friends houses. I do t no what to do. But I feel like I need to get far away. His family is very agree that he was arrested I. The first place. SL its not just him that I have to worry about. I have been running for 4 months now. I’m scared. Don’t no what to do. I’m so afraid he will find me

  110. Hi Barbara,

    I’m so glad that you’ve found the Hotline and our online community. It sounds like you’ve been surviving a terrifying situation for a very long time, and it takes a lot of courage to talk about what’s going on and to ask for help. We are here to talk about the situation, and help you find available resources in your area that may be able to help. You can call us anytime, 24/7, anonymously and confidentially, at 1-800-799-7233. You have the right to be safe, and no one, including your ex or his family, have the right to take that away from you. I understand that not knowing where he is right now is incredibly scary, and that you want to be able to feel safe. It sounds like you’re dealing with so much and feeling overwhelmed. We’re here anytime you want to talk.

    Take care,

    Hotline Advocate AS

  111. Its been over a year now that my husband at the time confined me to my home, battered me, and forced me to have sex with him. He has been sentenced and is locked up. I still fear him and think he can get to me even though he is locked up. I haven’t dealt with the incident either. I was pregnant at the time and I also had 2 other children so I just shoved everything down and have been raising my kids. It haunts me still and I think it affects my everyday life even though I try to not let it. I’m wondering if there is help out there to help me deal with it.

  112. Ashley,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to our blog community. It sounds like this was such a scary situation and it is completely understandable to continue to feel the effects from that experience. Abusive relationships are so complicated and we know that the physical violence is the escalation of all the other abuse (emotional, verbal, psychological) that occurs. That is why it is so difficult to heal from all of this. Know that help does exist and that you deserve to seek it. People are abusive because they feel they deserve power and control in the relationship, this is your time to get your power back!

    I encourage you to give us, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a call at 1800-799-7233. Advocates are available 24/7 to talk through what has happened as well as help you find local support services.

    Until then,


  113. Hola…me llamo brenda tengo 11 años casada pero mi esposo meah maltratado siempre verbalmente pero en este último año.lo a hecho hasta físicamente tengo mucho miedo.y se le necesito ayuda ….a legado a amenazarme con un cuchillo….. Y al bofetearme…ahorita escribiendo esto estoy en escondida en el baño llorando porke si los hago donde el me escucha me jala del cabello y me ofende y bofetea….espero en dios y me puedan ayudar. Tengo 2 nonos ..uno de 10 años y uno de seis….y tengo mucho miedo…

  114. Brenda,

    Gracias por tomar el tiempo a escribirnos con su situacion. Se oye que es una situacion muy peligrosa y complicada, como todas las relaciones abusivas. El abuso pasa porque una persona piensa que merece todo el control en la relacion y usa diferentes maneras de mantener ese poder. Se oye que la situacion esta empeorando porque el esta buscando mas maneras de tener ese control.

    Que bueno que pudo escribirnos en ese momento, que hizo lo que pudo para protegerse. Quiero que sepa que aqui estamos 24 horas al dia y siempre podemos hablar con usted en nuestra linea (1800-799-7233) sobre lo que esta pasando y tambien de las opciones que existen. Su llamada es completamente anonima y confidencial y siempre podemos conectarla con alguien en espanol.

  115. Ok I’m really hoping someone can help me. I have a 18 month old son. His father and I are not together. We have been split up for 7 months. In that time he has not put a penny towards him he never sees him going on 2 and a half months. He never calls to try to see him. The few times that he did he has tried to bail. Every time I get him back he either hasn’t eaten didn’t get a nap and is just not a happy kid. The place is a wreck theirs people sleeping everywhere beer cans everywhere cigarettes everywhere. I found letters in his house talking about how he’s doing drugs. His family is in real trouble with the state dss and I’m scared if his family comes back to town he will sneak our son to see them. They still haven’t met him. He is always going out and partying he also has another son who’s about 4 I believe and hasn’t made the effort to see him. I’m really scared to have him around my son and I’m really afraid he will try to take him away from me because his family knows the law in an out. At one point he was going to have a place to live. He just got his old job back. He doesn’t have a car and he’s living at his grandmoms. Please someone help me I’m desperate and I’m terrified he will try to take my son or prevent us from leaving here to start a new and better life!

  116. Hello Shannon,

    We are so glad that you’ve found our online community and are reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage and energy to talk about the scary things you experience. I can hear how concerned you are for your son’s safety and well-being, and he is lucky to have a mom who loves and protects him the way that you do. Many parents want their kids to have everything they need, including a loving and supportive family. Unfortunately, not every parent wants to be a part of their child’s life, and no one can force a loving relationship to be created. It can be a confusing and heart-breaking situation when your child’s other parent doesn’t seem to share your priorities.

    Being a mom is a full time job, and you should have all of the support and resources you need. Please feel free to call our hotline 24/7, and speak confidentially and anonymously with an advocate at 1 (800) 799-7233. We can get you information about local programs that might be able to help. Another resource is Childhelp, the National Child Abuse Hotline. They are also open 24/7 at 1 (800) 422-4453, and should be able to provide additional information regarding the situation with your son’s father.

    Please take care of yourself, as it’s so important now when you’re working so hard to provide for and protect your son.

    Take care,

    Hotline Advocate AS

  117. Hi I’ve been married for 3 years been together 6 years I have been getting emotionally abuse for the pass for years I don’t know what to do it has gotten worse at times I have a 3 year old baby no job haven’t worked in 4 year don’t drive and I’m illegal immigrant and my husband been telling me for the past few years he will put in for my green card and isn’t I don’t no what to do he keeps giving me the ups and downs and I’m getting really tired of his attitude and very emotional abuse could you please help me thank you

  118. Hi Jessica,

    Thank you so much for sharing with our online community! What you’re going through sounds scary and exhausting. Your husband has no right to use your green card application as a way of controlling you. You may be able to apply without your husband’s help. If you can safely give us a call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, we can see if there are programs in your area that provide help with immigration applications, and get you connected to them.

    It takes a lot of energy to care for a young child, as well as yourself, and being in a relationship with an abusive partner makes it so much harder and more exhausting. Taking care of yourself is so important during all of this. You have the right to be safe, and caring for yourself can help you increase your safety and have the energy and creativity you need to protect yourself and the baby. We can also help you think of ways to do this when we talk, from basics like healthy eating and exercise to connecting with the people who love and support you. There are people and programs out there that want to provide help and support.

    We are here when you need us. All of our calls are confidential and anonymous.

    Take care,

    Hotline Advocate AS


  120. Sandra,

    I’m so sorry that you had a bad experience with them. I definitely want you to know that you deserve to be safe and you should absolutely have access to whatever support you need. You mentioned that you are still being stalked. If you’d like, I would encourage you to give us a call at 1 (800) 799-7233. We are here 24/7 and confidential/anonymous. We can talk about different resources that may be available in your area and explore a plan for your safety against the stalking. We are also here to offer emotional support especially since it sounds like you are in a stressful situation.

    We are here when you need us.

    Hotline Advocate MC

  121. Everyone says “get out now”, but how and where? In my area, San Bernardino CA, all shelters including domestic violence ones are full. I don’t have any money nor a job, he controls and controlled everything. My family is thousands of miles away in CT and don’t have money to send. I’ve gone to agencies for rental assistance but without an income, I do not qualify. There are shelters I don’t qualify for either, but again, regardless, they are full too. Get out now, but how? He does everything but physically harm me. I’ve endured financial, emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. He’s not working, but does get state disability from his job so he still gets an income. He applied for food stamps for the household. He controls that too. There is little food at home. He requested exclusive use of the apartment from the court, and per the judge for no other reason than “he asked” it was granted, but where am I going to go with full shelters and no money/income? He lied saying I attacked him with scissors and a screwdriver and am aggressive when he’s the one emotionally unstable and makes these outburts. Out of anger, he’s punched a wall, thrown his big heavy steel toe work boots,broken a brand new tv, and some of my property. He slams doors, yells at me – sometimes in my face, or hovering over me pointing, screaming shut up when I try to defend myself or tell him the truth when he accuses me, immediately starts to call me names when he gets mad. He definitely exerts dominance. Our daughter is not my bio, however I’ve raised her along with him when he got her out of foster care at 2mo old. She’s now 6. I’m the only mommy she knows. Of course he is trying to alienate us, but I filed paperwork in court in the hope that I can continue care. In April of this year, he attempted suicide after an argument and blamed me. That was his 1st documented, but I realized given his taking a bunch of pills after an argument, was not his 1st time. He blames me for the state of our relationship, always has. I feel stuck with no options… or hope. I can’t get help to get free. How much worse does it have to get? The housing thing, keeping me from my baby, the money, those antics he really took to those heights only AFTER he googled a number on a phone I had. I was on his account, and he monitors my line. He looked up the number and saw it was to Legal Aid. He accused me of talking to a lawyer,which I did not. I only called to get location and hours, the call was only less than 5 min therefore not time to get consultation. He then rushed to the court and that weekend I was served with divorce papers. I called because in previous arguments, he threatened divorce basically if I didn’t act right/accordingly and I wanted to know my options. He had also screamed in my face multiple times (6 or more, I had stopped counting) that he hated me and threw in a few “I can’t stand the ground you walk on”. He’s done things out of retaliation, always stating “I got something for you!” When you have no money, no economic power, and someone has control over you, what do you do? Nowhere have I found help for refuge. I’m a parttime student in my last semester; I’ve worked on and off throughout our 6 yr relationship (4 yrs married), but mainly was the homemaker. Our daughter didnt start going to school til Fall ’13. He used to refuse paying for childcare OR said we couldn’t afford it. Not originally from here and was dedicated to my family and marriage, I didn’t make a friend or acquaintances til Jan ’13. The one friend I did make, he felt threatened by and said to choose – him or her. As a Christian wife true to my vows, I chose him. Anytime any classmate communicated with me (ex. text) he questioned and was bothered by. I never got close to anyone else. I never imagined I’d be manipulated and controlled by someone, and certainly not my husband. No help for me, but there has to be. Everyone says “get out”, but how and where?

  122. Hi Trina,

    We’re so glad that you’ve found our online community, and appreciate your courage in sharing your experiences and reaching out for help. The situation with your husband sounds incredibly controlling and difficult. We hear about a lot of economic abuse at the Hotline; limiting someone’s financial resources, or access to money is definitely a method of control. Without financial resources, it can be difficult to leave, especially when you’re also considering the safety of a child. While unfortunately we cannot change shelter resources, we can brainstorm with you to come up with alternatives that may be safe options.

    It can be very challenging when local resources are not available. It sounds like you’ve tried everything you can think of, and I know how extremely frustrating it is when the help you need is at capacity or not available. Figuring out a plan for leaving is an incredibly smart thing to do. I hear that you’re working on a plan not only for leaving and getting safe, but also maintaining that safety long term. You absolutely have the right to be safe, and we are here as a resource for you. All calls are confidential and anonymous, and you can reach our advocates 24/7 at 1(800) 799-7233.

    We’re here when you need us.

    Hotline Advocate AS

  123. I have a friend in NM that is in, but trying to remove herself from, an abusive relationship. Physical, emotional, verbal, along with financial control. She recently garnered up the courage to move out and file for divorce. There was a case filed with the court for the last physical action he took (pulling her hair, smashing the back of her head, punching her face). He was found not guilty on that charge. Seems to be a standard result for the first filed incident in a domestic abuse case.

    They have a teenage child together.

    Even while separated the threats continue … incessantly. Today, he threatened to kill her. This isn’t the first time this threat has been made. He has also threatened to maim her and, in his vernacular, “to F**K” her up. I have attempted to convince her to contact the police but she refuses.

    Today he will be served the divorce paperwork, by a third party. She is worried about what his reaction will be and if it will set him off on another violent episode.

    She cannot afford legal representation and feels helpless. What can she do? I have asked her to file a police report and to ask for an order of protection (although a piece of paper isn’t very protective — just documents the issue).

    We can’t find any info on the laws in NM — she wants to know if she could legally leave the state with her child prior to the divorce being final. What are the laws for a situation like this? How can I help her?

  124. Hi CJF,

    We’re so glad that you’ve found our website and are reaching out for help on your friend’s behalf. The situation that she has and continues to survive sounds terrifying. Her ex has no right to hurt her physically, emotionally, financially, or any other way. For your friend to fight for her safety, as well as her child’s, speaks to how strong of an individual she is. I’m sure that she appreciates your support and encouragement as she works to get free from this traumatic and abusive relationship.

    We know that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a survivor; as the abusive partner finds that they are losing control of their partner, they often choose to escalate their aggression and abuse, sometimes to the levels they never have before. That does not mean that your friend has to feel terrified, resource-less, and alone during this time. Many domestic violence agencies provide resources such a legal advocacy, often at a low cost or on a sliding scale. If your friend would like to call us, we’re available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 (all calls are confidential and anonymous) and we can look for programs to connect her with in New Mexico. We can also work with her on ways that she may be able to increase her safety, as she has never lost her right to be safe.

    Our Hotline Advocates are not lawyers or legal advocates, and cannot give legal advice, but we are here to connect her with resources that can help. One online resources that we refer to is http://www.womenslaw.org, designed for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, where you can find information on your state’s divorce, custody, and protective order laws.

    CJF, we are also here as a resource for you. We understand how difficult it can be when someone you care for is being abused, and are here to be a safe place for you to talk about the situation. We can also brainstorm ways with you that you might be able to offer additional help or support to your friend.

    We are here when you need us. Take care.

    Hotline Advocate AS

  125. In 2004 I left my abusive husband, a few weeks later I found out i was pregnant. I live in indiana in this state you can not get divorced while pregnant. So I stayed seperated from him, and waited till after the birth of my son for the divorce. the divorce was finalized in janurary 2006. He attacked me again after the divorce and I pressed chrges. He fled on those charges all the way to florida and was a wanted fugitive for 7 years until they found him and brought back to face the charges only to get time served after two weeks. He manipulates the system, he learned in jail that child support couldnt be ordered as long as he wasnt served with the paperwork and the same goes for anything more that a 30 day ex parte protective order.

    he stayed away out of sight with out ever getting a regular job, never having a pay check drawn so that child support couldnt find him to issue the support order. he returned to florida after all probation and court issues were completed.

    In florida he attacked and beat two different girlfriends and the last one was bad, he has had a warrant for two counts felony battery by strangulation 3rd degree felony. so he fled from florida on those charges the same way he did on mine. that takes us to 2013 the first time I see him since my attack years before…. I fight with everything I have but this attack takes place in the small space between the front and middle seat of a mini van. this was all taking place on the side of a highway and a state trooper stops. He helps me immidatly and gets me an ambulance im taken to the hospital i have the medical records. this took place 8/18/13 to date the prosecutor still hasnt received any charges from the trooper nor a police report. the state police refuse to give me a copy of the report. the state troopers blame the prosecutors the prosecutors blame the troopers.

    Fault on why nothing has happened is a trivial point I need an advocate a voice some to tell my side and persue charging this man. I need help I have tried the prosecuting attorneies office they have no report so they have nothing to discuss I have tried the Victim Witness Division (vic ad) and he is one man handling two court rooms case loads and quite honestly seems to be more worried about covering up what ever mistake was made.

    Who is incharge of or can investigate why nothing is happeneing with this case. The trooper had joe arrested for battery on the stop he bonded out wasnt ever given a court date nothing.

    now in the last few months he has decided after all these years he wants an active role in his sons life, I have refused seeing as 1 hes a stranger
    2 he has active warrant out of florida for the same type of attack

    3 during my attack he threatened my boys and myself. he is violent and a danger to myself and my son

    4 I have never been given an address with out an address I have no knowledge of where my sons being taken

    5 he has fled from police while having warrants gotten in a high speed chase, assaulted an officer he is a flight risk with my son

    Now he has filed contempt charges on me for not allowing the court ordered visitation that hes never requested before now. I contacted local police to just have him picked up on the florida warrant and they say florida will not extradite.

    Im scared for more than one reason this man is violent and thats puting it mildly, he has beaten and tried to kill more than one women. He has a history of fleeing from police and leaving the state disapearing on paper for years. He has an attorney and I cant afford on so when I go to this hearing and the other lawyer objects to my edvidence I have no background to argue it thru. I need help please.

  126. Hello Laura,

    It sounds like you’ve been through so many terrifying, violent attacks with your ex-husband, and having him reappear in your life after so many years must have been shocking. He never had the right to hurt you or threaten you or your sons in any way. You’ve done everything you can to protect yourself and your children, and it has to be so frustrating to not get the legal support you need, especially now that he wants visitation with your son. Your sons are so lucky to have a mom who is so protective of them, and who works so hard to keep them safe.

    While we are not legal advocates, we are definitely here to be a safe place for you to talk about what’s going on, ways to increase your safety, and get referrals to local programs. We’d be happy to see if there are local, legal domestic violence programs in your area. You can reach us by phone 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or chat us online every day 9am-2am CST. All conversations are confidential and anonymous.

    We’re here when you need us.

    Hotline Advocate AS

    – Also, some details were removed in accordance with our community guidelines, which you can view here.

  127. I am in need of advice.I am in a relationship that is very emotionally abusive and want out. There are children involved so I’m unsure of getting police involved. My lease isn’t up til april. He wont leave and has nowhere to go. Do I continue to pay my rent and move back to my parents home? What would you do?

  128. Hi Clare,

    We’re so glad that you’ve found our online community and are reaching out for help. It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation, and we understand that figuring out which option is the safest can be challenging, especially when you’re experiencing abuse. It’s very smart to make a plan before leaving so that you’re able to stay safe once you can get somewhere safe. You have the right to make the decisions in your life, and we’re here to be a safe place to talk about your options. Our Hotline advocates are available by phone 24/7 if you’d like to give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or you can chat us online here every 9am-2am CST. All conversations are anonymous and confidential.

    We’re here when you need us.

    Hotline Advocate AS

  129. It seems impossible to find affordable help in my area. My insurance is paying for counseling for my children but it doesn’t cover help for myself. I got out of the abusive relationship but it’s cyclatory and I continue to go back. For 10 years I continue to go back. I am depressed, have debilitating social anxiety, probably suffer from PTSD, yet I still wish I hadn’t made him leave. Logically, I understand the effects of the abuse on my self esteem and my emotions but I can not seem to control it. I find myself telling him I’ll work harder and be better and our relationship will work this time.

    I know this is ridiculous. I know I need therapy in order to not take him back again, but I just cant find it. I keep being told my situation is no longer dangerous, or I’ve waited too long, or I don’t have a restraining order, or I make too much money. It does look like a make too much money because of child support but he never actually pays. Also, I have 2 kids in therapy and have co-pays and am missing work to work with their PTSD/Depressive Disorder/Anger Management/etc.

    I just feel lost. Half the time I can’t get out of bed and do not leave my house for days. Then I get motivated to try to find affordable help and I get shut down.

  130. Hi Layna,

    That sounds like it must be extremely frustrating for you. What you are experiencing can be really difficult to go through without support; please feel free to call us any time at 1-800-799-7233. Our advocates are here 24/7 to offer support and a safe space for you to talk about what you are feeling. Our advocates can also try to help locate and connect you with other services near you that may be able to support you, and to brainstorm other strategies for finding support with you.

  131. I feel for all of you I have been in a very abusive physically mentally emotional marriage for 12 years my husband is so mean to me i have contemplated suicide and yes i have been to shelters and it is hard to stay when it takes months and months to get a home and you have 3 children and i have been to a shelter 3 times and still have never heard anything about how to deal with the heartache and lonelyness if you really love your abuser and if they could find a way to help with that leaving would be alot easier. Also there is no money to help someone if they r not financially stable. im from ky

  132. Hi Jennifer,

    It sounds like you have had a long journey and we really appreciate you sharing the wisdom of your strength and experience with us. The heartache and loneliness you describe are very real and can be very difficult things to experience. I want to encourage you to give us a call at 1-800-799-7233; our advocates are available 24/7 to discuss planning for your emotional safety and well-being as well as for your physical safety. Our advocates are also trained to talk through some of the barriers you have faced and brainstorm with you to come up with new or alternative solutions.

    Thank you so much for your courage and for sharing your story with us, and we hope to hear from you soon.

    Hotline Advocate AC

  133. Well hey there, my name is Chelsea, im 15 years old. I live with my mom who is disabled,my little sister who is 12 and my abusive dad.I dont know what to do really, due to the fact of the matter i tried to get help before, yet im still not out of the house and away from him yet. my mom cant work, and ive been trying to do everything secretly, because the last time i tried to get help, after CPS left the house he tried to drown me. im scared for all 3 of us, and I just want us to be safe, my mom wants to take us but she cant work, and next year ill be able to work. ( tis i live in Newyork) I want to be safe, and quickly and i want him to get away from my family, hes controlling and abusive as hell, and i relive he is the person that gave me my head injury, i cant belive im doing this again, but what do you think i should do? i dont want to get hit again if i get help, i dont want to get caught running away, i don’t want to grow up thinking to myself “what if i did somthing?” i dont want him to kill me, and that scares ne honestly, considering on how much hes already done. i never got a childhood, i never got one. i never got a night where i could think to myself “wow today was a great day.” i want to wake up and not be scared, and i cant wait another 3 more years sadly….. but yes….. uhum…. thansk for listening, i probably messed up since i feel like i didnt get to say what i wanted to. but help , please.

  134. Ally,

    Thank you for your question. If you think that a child is in danger, you always have the option to call 911. As a crisis line, we do not have the capacity to follow up on reports. Another option is to file a complaint with Child Protective Services. I encourage you to reach out to the National Child Abuse Hotline with any questions regarding this issue. You can reach them at 1-800-422-4453.

    You can reach us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org from 7am-2am (CST) every day.

    Take care,
    Hotline Advocate RG

  135. Hi Chelsea,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a scary situation! Your dad has no right to hurt you or anyone in your family. His violent behavior is not your fault. You are so strong and brave for trying to reach out for help. I’m sorry that CPS didn’t provide more support and that the abuse escalated to a terrifying level after they left. If you ever feel in danger, you always have the right to call 911, and it is also understandable if that is not something you feel safe doing. Your safety and wellbeing are important.

    From what you wrote, I am concerned that you may need medical attention. If so, you also have the right to go to the emergency room to seek treatment.

    For safety reasons, it is best that you contact us directly to discuss your situation in more detail. OUr advocates are always available to help you safety plan, analyze options and connect you with local resources. Please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at http://www.thehotline.org from 7am-2am (CST) every day.

    Some additional resources that can provide support for your are:

    The National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453

    The National Runaway Safeline They have a live chat that you can reach through their website as well as a hotline at 1-800-786-2929
    They are a great resource for support around an abusive parent even if you are not planning on running away.

    I hope that you reach out to us soon. You are not alone.
    Take care,
    Hotline Advocate RG

  136. I recent met a Girl at my High School who was kept in her parents basement for 3 years and did experience the outside world much. She wants to be friends with me but everytime we hang out she talks about how she hates her foster home hates living and will never be able to get back into the regular swing of things in our everyday life.I told her she needs counseling but What kind of issues do you think she will have in the future?: Please tell me what kind of therapy would be helpful and why I just want to try to help her and also give her a better understanding on how to cope with life like a regular high schooler

  137. Hi Alyssa,

    Thank you so much for reaching out and for taking the time to look for support for her. It sounds like she has been through a very traumatizing experience, and talking with a counselor could definitely be a good option if she feels comfortable with that. Finding the right therapist can be a personal journey, as everyone is different, but you could definitely direct her towards some resources where she could find some options for counseling. The National Child Abuse Hotline http://www.childhelp.org could be a good resource for her. They offer online support, as well as local referrals for victims and survivors of child abuse. Another good resource for support and online counseling is http://www.YourLifeYourVoice.org . If she doesn’t feel quite ready to go see a therapist, this could be a good place for her to get some support from home.

    Thank you again for taking the time to help her and we wish you both all the best!

  138. So the other night my girlfriend and I were sitting on the couch and out of no where she tells me she’s not happy anymore and is leaving. I didn’t know our relationship was even in danger. Just three weeks ago we were house shopping to buy our first home and then she lost her job. I know that I’ve been really stressed lately and we’ve had a few arguments about her lack of motivation to find new employment and she often calls me a bitch (yes I’m female) and an asshole and when I ask how I just get”about everything”. Well I’ve got two children and our bills is not covered under one income and when she all off a sudden told me she was leaving and immediately made arrangements for her friends to pick her up the argument began. Throughout a heated argument in front of the kids which were crying and that added fuel to the fire,I slapped her, four times total. She proceeded to leave and has spoken to me once for about 5 minutes which resolved nothing as basically her friend screaming in the background. I’ve never considered myself as an abuser and this is the only time it’s ever happened with her and she has portrayed me as a down right beating asshole abuser. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any substance abuse problems and though there is no justification for what happened I don’t feel like I’m the person she is making me out to be and I’m so sorry it ever even happened. I’m sorry that even the argument happened. I feel like it wouldn’t have escalated like it did if she had talked to me about what’s going on with her rather than going from we’re getting married and going to buy a house to boom I’m gone and all right in front of my kids. Please help.

  139. Emily, I was in a similar situation. I spoke with my landlord directly and he agreed to release me from the lease. There are legal protections of some sort for the battered individual. I sites those codes. I did have to pay my own last months rent. My credit was not affected. Many landlords also do not report rent payments to credit agencies. Sending good thoughts and promises of a better and brighter

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