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leaving safely

Leaving Safely – Part 2

In addition to packing and planning, there are a few other measures you can take to safeguard against potential problems that may arise when you’re leaving. As we see on today’s Dr. Phil episode, “Saving Julie: The Final Decision,” getting out of an abusive relationship is a dangerous, difficult time, and it is important to plan and have a support system in place.


Digital Safety

Don’t disclose any personal information online about your plans. If you’re making plans for leaving and communicating about it via a computer or cell phone, access a computer from the library or a friend’s house, or remember to clear your browser history. Make sure to tell friends to not post anything about your whereabouts online.

Don’t answer threatening or excessive texts or calls while you leave and after you’ve left. Let them go to voicemail. This also could be used to document the abuse — for example, 50 missed calls? Take a screen shot of that.

Cell phones can be tracked via GPS. Try a “throw away phone” or perhaps plan to get a new one and leave your old phone behind.

What about protective orders? 

A protective order is legal documentation to keep your abuser away from you, and can often contain provisions related to custody, finance, and more. However, these will require you to see your abuser in court, and are not always highly enforced. In this episode we see Danny describing how he broke a protective order and attacked his ex-girlfriend and a man she was with.

While protective orders may be able to put a stop to physical abuse, psychological abuse is still possible — so a protective order should never replace a safety plan.

Our advocates can speak to you about how a protective order works, as well as direct you to legal advocates that can provide you with specific information about this based on where you’re living. Different states have different processes for a protective order. Check out Women’s Law for more info.

If you already have a protective order, it should be kept on you at all times — as well as given to your children and anyone they might be with — especially when you’re leaving your abuser.

After You Leave

Consider making a “false trail.” For example, call motels far away from where you plan on being. Do this after you leave, otherwise it could tip off the abuser that you’re planning on leaving, which could be dangerous.

Remember that leaving will likely be difficult, and it’s important to have support and a plan in place. If you feel like leaving might be an option, give us a call at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) to discuss options.

Our advocates at The Hotline are here for you to help create a safety plan for leaving as well as after you’ve left, and to make sure you have ongoing emotional support afterwards.

leaving safely

Leaving Safely – Part 1

“The only way we are ever leaving each other is when we both die in our 80s.”

On an episode of Dr. Phil this afternoon called “A Violent Love Intervention,” we hear that that frightening threat from a man named Danny to his girlfriend Julie. Julie has come forward to speak about the physical and emotional abuse she’s been enduring for two-and-a-half years.

There are many reasons victims stay with their abusers, and countless obstacles to leaving — it’s often the most dangerous time in the relationship.

When we talk about leaving an abusive partner, it’s important to realize that this is a personal choice. Only you can know if it’s the right decision for you at the time. If it is something that you’re thinking about doing, there are steps you can take to prepare and ensure your safety.


Remember that preparation is key.

Set aside money, even in small amounts adding up over time, and hide it somewhere safe or have a family member or friend hold onto it for you.

If it’s safe, consider starting your own savings or checking account, and use a family or friend’s address to open it.

Get as much information as you can before you leave — call us and we can connect you to your local domestic violence programs to see what they offer (in terms of legal advice, counseling, etc.) Learn about your different options.

Know your abuser’s schedule and plan out a safe time to leave when they won’t be around. Don’t feel that you have to tell them that you’re leaving or feel that they should be there when you make your exit. They may try to make you stay if they get the chance.

Know where you’re headed, such as a local shelter or family member or friend’s house. Have all the contact numbers for these places.

If you’re planning a quick getaway, back your car into the driveway, and make sure to keep it fueled. Consider having a spare set of keys for the car.

Have a packed bag ready to go. Keep it hidden somewhere, such as in a trunk of your car, or even at work or a family or friend’s house. Bring:

  • Birth and marriage certificates
  • ID and social security cards
  • Keys
  • School and medical records (for yourself and children)
  • Passports, green cards, work permits
  • Protective orders, divorce papers, custody orders
  • Bank papers and credit cards
  • Important pictures or keepsakes
  • Any documentation of the abuse (journals, photos)
  • A list of important phone numbers
  • Clothing for yourself and your children
  • Titles, deeds and other property information

If you have children, inform the school about what is going on.

As seen in today’s Dr. Phil episode, leaving is a scary time. If you’re planning on leaving, ease some of your fears by making a plan and preparing for when the time comes. You can always plan your exit strategy with an advocate by calling us at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).

What did you think of today’s episode? If you’re a survivor and successfully left your abuser, what tips do you have for leaving safely?

National Domestic Violence Hotline Blog

Domestic Violence Examined on Dr. Phil

Yesterday on a Dr. Phil episode entitled Crossing the Line, Dr. Phil counseled two couples experiencing verbal and emotional abuse in their marriages.  Often when domestic violence is discussed, it’s assumed that physical violence is involved.  This episode serves as a moving reminder that abuse can take many forms — emotional, verbal, sexual, economic, psychological, spiritual and physical.

The men on this show believed that they were not committing domestic violence because they were not inflicting physical pain on their wives. Although there are no visible scars when domestic violence is non-physical, other forms of abuse still cause long-lasting damage and pain.

Abuse is never acceptable.  Review the signs of abuse and please call The Hotline if you have questions or concerns.  We are here to help.

Please call The Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY).