Survivors and the Media

The movement to end domestic violence is comprised of advocates from all over our state, nation and world; each with varying stories. Many of these individuals are survivors themselves. Survivors are victims of domestic violence who continue to live productive lives beyond the abuse. In the process of healing, many survivors find strength in telling their stories to others, hoping to provide the type of insight and inspiration that can save lives. Survivors typically share their stories when doing so will not put them in danger, although there are exceptions. It is essential that the media consider a survivor’s safety when reporting his/her story.

Researchers at the National Domestic Violence Hotline have collected stories from survivors across the nation. In doing so, we exercise caution not to expose a survivor’s full name and/or location if her abuser remains a threat. Here are some survivors’ stories:

*The names have been changed to protect anonymity

Jane’s Story*

At twenty-five, I managed a gift shop, owned my own car, established good credit and maintained a very active social life. At twenty-seven, I married a man from a small country town. Being so swept away, I ignored the other side of “Prince Charming”. As time passed, the abuse became more frequent and more intense. Each time I found employment, he would become unbearable, including phoning me at work and yelling obscenities.

Six years of marriage took us to a rented house in the country. I was not allowed to use his car, even to take our two children to the doctor for emergency care.

February 1987, he pinned me down and began choking me. Our five-year-old son ran to the phone, dialed “0″ and cried, “My Dad’s killing my Mom, please help!” The operator traced the call and sent a county sheriff’s deputy to the house. Despite the bruises and visible marks, the police were not able to help me.

During the next year, I obtained a car and began planning my escape. He had the phone disconnected. April 1988, the abuser flew into a rage, so I took our two children and drove 15 miles to a pay phone. Every shelter I contacted was full. I had nowhere else to turn because over the years, I had become alienated from my family and friends. After walking around the grocery store for 4 hours, I returned home.

Three days later, after the abuser’s usual early morning rage, our son left for school and our three year old daughter was hiding under blankets, shivering and crying because she was so frightened of her own father. My husband left for work and I took our daughter, drove to a phone and called a domestic violence shelter. I was told to take my son out of school, pack what I could in my car, and I drove 30 miles to the nearest city.

In the three weeks my children and I were at the shelter, we began to restructure our lives. I found employment, housing, childcare, counseling and legal advice.

Because the domestic violence shelter was there, my children and I are alive.

Joan’s Story*

My story begins when I was 21 years old. I met a guy that seemed to be a good man. He was very friendly, and for me, that was the most important thing to have in a relationship.

We met in September and by the following January, we were living together. The abuse began immediately, he became very jealous and accused me of cheating on him with another man. I did not understand why he was treating me that way.

By the end of the month, I was pregnant and my baby was to be born in late October. I thought that my being pregnant would change him, but that was not the case, everything remained the same. The abuse continued. Everytime he hit me, I would leave and go to my sister’s house or sometimes to my mother’s house.

I left him many times, but I always returned to be by his side.

Then one night in October, shortly after my daughter was born,
he became very violent and kicked the crib. Fortunately, the baby was not in the crib. At that moment I began thinking: What would have happened if my baby had been in the crib? I became so scared. That was when I made my final decision to leave him. I left so that he could not continue to hurt me or begin to hurt my daughter. I did not want her to live in a violent home and suffer the consequences.

When I made my decision, my family was very understanding. They helped me by giving me support.

I left him, but this time it was forever.

Now my daughter is 13 years old and I no longer have any contact with him.