helpful safety tips

When The Fighting Starts: Tips for Protection

While no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship and no one deserves to be physically or emotionally harmed by a loved one, the reality is that it occurs far too often and in many situations leaving is not always an option.

If you’re in a relationship where physical abuse is ongoing or likely to occur, there are some practical tips that could help keep you safer. Of course, making a plan for safety is very individualized — what works for one person may not be a possible or safe option for another.

Calling the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE will connect you with an advocate who can help you make a plan for remaining safe based on your specific situation — where you are in the relationship, what tactics may have worked in the past, and more.

Above all, you are the expert of your situation. You may be able to recognize signs that violence is escalating, and plan accordingly based on this. Have a safety plan for you and your children to know who to call, where to go, and how to get out if you can escape.


While there are tips to try to prevent abuse from happening, a violent attack or assault can be unpredictable. If there’s no way to escape the violence, there are some tips for protection that could help keep you safer during an attack.

  • If you’re pregnant, there is always a heightened risk during violent situations. If you’re in a home with stairs, try to stay on the first floor.  Getting into the fetal position around your stomach if you’re being attacked is another tactic that can be instrumental in staying safe.
  • Determine which rooms are safe areas to go. Which rooms have locks on the doors? What offers you the most space? Small spaces such as closets or bathrooms could leave you trapped. Safe rooms may have windows or doors for escape, and may have a phone to reach in case of emergency. Try to avoid rooms with hard counters or other dangerous surfaces.
  • Be aware of what could be used as a weapon — and if you know where guns or knives or other weapons are, hide them away if you can, or stay away from where they’re located (in the kitchen or garage, for example).
  • Consider calling 911 if you feel like it’s safe to do so. Try to remove yourself from the situation first. If you’re calling from a cell phone, begin by telling the dispatcher the address where you’re located in case you need to hang up quickly — it’s more difficult to pick up on where a call on a cell phone is coming from.
  • Consider having a “back up phone.” If you think it won’t be possible to reach a phone in case of emergency — and if its safe to do so — think about purchasing a pay-as-you-go phone to hide in a safe room.
  • Protect your major organs. Make yourself small and curl up into a ball. Protect your face and your head.

Here at The Hotline, brainstorming with and talking to callers about how to stay safe is one of the most important parts of each call. While the above are practical ideas for protecting yourself in the face of danger, every situation is different.

If physical violence has occurred in the past, you may know what it takes to deescalate and end it — or, you may not know how you’ll react until you find yourself in a situation where you need to. Trust your instincts — and we can help, too. If you’re in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, please give us a call at 1-800-799-SAFE, 24/7, to speak confidentially with a trained advocate.

62 replies
  1. Daun says:

    Any old cell phone, as long as it has power, has the ability to call 911! If you have an old, un-activated cell phone, keep it charged up and hidden in a safe place. Stay safe!!! I finally got out, you can too!!!

  2. Ginger says:

    I think my husband is going crazy. He’s been rude to me and my son. My 8 year old son was coughing and he said shut up, if you cough again, strangle yourself. He had a knife yesterday and said he would kill us. Throughout the years, there were many verbal abuses and evidence of him knocking off a leg of a dining chair as well as holes on the wall. I feel we live in danger.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Ginger,

      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. This sounds like a really scary situation. It sounds like your husband is using many different forms of intimidation to gain control in the relationship. Abuse happens because one person feels entitled to power and control over their partner and the relationship.

      It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help and it is so great that you have here. If you feel safe to call the HOTLINE, an advocate is available 24/7 to offer guidance and support at 1-800-799-7233. If you would like to talk about a few options or ways to stay safe, please contact us, your call is completely anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  3. wendi says:

    I think my husband is bipolar. He gets mad way to fast. I have been with him seven years. The fights get bad and im scared for my life at those freak out moments. My kids are what keeps me here. They grew up here and my life is invested heavily in this master plan. This is my last chance to try for my kids. Im a tough girl but I can’t continue to live a lie. He will mess up again im just hoping im not seriously injured in the heat of the moment! He said if he hurts me again I can call the cops and pack up in leave while he is locked up. I have never called the cops bc I felt like I played a part in the dispute. I will argue when I have to and I will fight back if beat on. Hopefully there isn’t going to be another incident. I am saving the help line god bless you for help and ladys really man up and take charge before they kill you…….

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Wendi,

      Thanks for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like a lot is going on, and from what you have described, this sounds like a very dangerous situation. It takes a very strong person to reach out for help after what has happened. We know that even if you are part of the dispute, it is not your fault. It is understandable to feel like you want to defend yourself, that does not mean you are the person who is abusive.

      I am glad you have our number saved. Please remember that the HOTLINE is available 24/7 and is completely anonymous and confidential. If you feel safe to contact us an advocate is available to offer guidance and support at 1-800-799-7233.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

    • Diane says:

      My husband did the same i have a 3 month baby he just hit me in the head 2 days ago i felt and had a seizure when i became kind of conscious it old him please call and ambulance he just say stop the show i have to go to work i drag myself to the room thanks God my baby was aslepp and looking at my newborn gave me strength to call the cops now Im freaking out i dont work dont have any family my car broke down and there about to cut my power off but at least I stop his abuse knowing he could of kill me and my baby would be in a foster home just wake me up!!!!!! Dont live like that the kids dont deserve to pay for our mistakes and wrong decisions.
      God bless yoy

      • HotlineAdmin_MT says:

        Diane,

        Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. You are an incredibly strong and brave person. Making the choice to get help and end abuse can be difficult, and you deserve support and care throughout this process. It sounds like you may still have concerns about your safety and wellbeing, and we would definitely be happy to talk with you about that and help connect you with local support and resources if you want them. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or chat online 7am-2am CTS at http://www.thehotline.org

  4. bercely says:

    My boyfriend seems to forget things, then wen he loses something he will blame it on me, he would star saying boggus things that will get anyone hurt and mad, also that kind of Guy three loves his material stuff more then anything,I love him, and it really hurts to see him how he changed, not to long ago we gadabouts argument over some little thing and he went hulk krazy on me he slammed my he’d on the tile. Floor my skullwa open 2cm, he got arrested was in jail 2 days then he got bail out, today the samething happen after promising on not doing it again he did it, I don’t know what to do I love this man please some advice!

    • HotlineAdmin_VW says:

      Dear Bercely,
      I’m so glad you found the courage to post on the Blog. Yes, you are still experiencing domestic violence. Behavior like your partner’s is confusing and is part of the cycle of his manipulation. For many abusers promises are made easily but not kept. He still blames you when things go wrong (according to his definition). I am especially concerned he is now willing to use physical violence against you. Once that is part of his pattern of behavior–it is always a possibility. Abusers deny the abuse, even deny the “real” effect on their partners.

      There is now a good book you might find helpful. It is written by a man who has been working on DV issues for over 40 years. The book is entitled, “Should I Stay or Should I Go: A Guide to Knowing If Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved”. The author is Lundy Bancroft. You might like to check his website, LundyBancroft.com, as well.

      Whatever you decide, please call The Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Someone is here to answer your call 24/7, to support you and find additional resources.

  5. Samantha says:

    My kids father has hit me broke my nose and blacked my eyes he’s only done these things when he was on drugs now that he’s not on drugs he wants to get back together I don’t no what to do I love him and want my kids to have there daddy my family tells me he going to kill me one day … Advice please

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Samantha,

      Thank you for sharing you story. There is no excuse for abusive even if there are drugs invovled. There are people who have problems with drugs but choose to not be abusive, abuse is a choice. You deserve to be treated with respect and your children deserve to live in a safe enviroment. If you would like advice or even just to talk about what is going on please feel to contact The Hotline. At The Hotline there are advocates that are available 24 hours a day and are more than happy to help you out. You can reach The Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

  6. Samantha says:

    Bercely my kids father does the same thing to me he’ll put money up or something am forget where he put it and start flippen out on me don’t wait tell he cracks ur skull and Damages ur brain then ull be mentally ill and he’ll go find someone else just walk away now girl he already promised u it wouldn’t happen again and he broke that promise hell do it from here on out praying for all u ladies

  7. Samantha says:

    Ginger leave him put ur son first him witnessing things like that and verbal abuse is so sad he deserves to be happy that’s why I’m asking for adivice cuz my sons four and I don’t want to go back and him have to witness those things or the verbal Abbuse if he said he’s gonna kill y’all he will one day how scary would that be to a kid and hear that :( and Wendi I’m going threw the same thing don’t stay just cuz of the kids one day u will find someone new an build up new things with that person dont let ur kids or ur self go threw that by staying ur teachen ur kids its ok to be treated that way …gosh I wish I could take my own advice :(

  8. Dan says:

    My girlfriend of 16 years is extraordinarily abusive. Verbally non stop emotionally non stop. I had to call the police several years ago because of a physical melt down. The police officers came talked to both of us and hauled her away. Afterwards weeks afterwards, she said that if I dropped the charges, she’d get help and stop drinking. Walking out of court, I asked her when we were going to counseling, I’m not was her response. Then the verbal and emotinal abuse tripled. She freely tells our daughter wild stories about me, lies to me, about me, threatens me with our daughter regularly. I stay for our daughter as I have nowhere else to go and no money to leave with. Her(girlfriends) mother at one time told me to be careful that I don’t wind up with a steak knife in my back. Ive been cut of from my family, friends and business contacts. She has our cell records available online and checks them daily. If i laugh at a tv show the common response is “what the …. are you laughing at?” It really is hell and there seems to be no help for men in these situations.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Dan,

      It takes plenty of courage to share your story and I am glad that you did. You must be emotionally exhausted from all of the verbal abuse. You are not alone, and there is help for men who are victims. You and nobody else deserves to be abused in any kind of way. If you would like to talk more about your situation and get help please call The Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You can reach The Hotline at any time during the day or night since The Hotline is available 24 hours a day.

  9. Samantha says:

    Dan ur not alone but u also don’t deserve to be that unhappy go stay wit family or something until u get a job go to court get ur child and leave that crazy bitch

  10. M says:

    Ive been living with my boyfriend for about 5 months now, and from time to time things get way out of hand. Hes gone as far as punching me in the mouth very hard, leaving 3 very deep gashes in my lip and a huge hideous purple bruise on my face. Not to mention i always am covered in bruises, my whole body. This is the first time in my life ive been through something like this, and im scared to death. He choked me and told me he was going to kill me, and that i was lucky it wasnt worse. Its easy for people to say leave but im scared. Im only 19, i need help i have no one.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      M,
      You are not alone and there is help. First of all, you do not deserve to be treated the way that your boyfriend is treating you. That is not a normal relationhip and it sounds like it is getting worse. Please call The Hotline when you are safe and you can call at anytime for advocates are always available 24 hours a day. At The Hotline advocates can safety plan with you and do the best that they can to find resources in your area that will help you. Remember that you are not alone and that we are here for you. When you can please call The Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

  11. D says:

    I have to date been in 2 relationships that have resulted in various types of abuse; verbal and phIysical. Yesterday, I woke up and left my girlfriend because of the abuse. I initially moved to another state to start a life with her which was mistake number 1. Last Thursday evening I had a stomach ache and was eating saltine crackers in bed. When my gf woke up to use the bathroom she complained about the wrapper making noise and asked that I open the package completely; I stated that I had. The television was blaring as that’s how she likes to go to sleep so I knew the package wrapper wasn’t the real reason she was upset, she is the type of person that would find anything to complain about and if she wakes up in the middle of the night I’d have hell to pay if she could find anything. Once I severely cut my hand doing dishes and let out a cry that was an evening that began with her verbal abuse about my crying while she was sleep and she complained about it waking her up. She called me all type of derogatory names and pushed me, I went to the bathroom to cry and she followed me there; the argument in turn escalated to further physical abuse. Initially I felt bad for waking her up and blamed myself. After I went over the details of that evening in my mind I came to the realization that she had an anger problem and that her abuse towards me was not my fault. That was about 2 months ago. I stayed, unfortunately and I should have left immediately as that was not the first encounter. The latest as I stated began with the cracker wrapper. She tossed and turned and I stated that the television was louder than the wrapper and I was almost done. She then proceeded to get up and the verbal abuse began, by the time she called me selfish for the wrapper incident I made the decision to reply with a simple “if anyone is selfish it’s you and it’s been proven time and time again with your actions… it’s neither here nor there go back to sleep you’re just cranky”. That’s when she pulled me off the bed and threw me across the room and I hit the bedroom door. She left the house, came back talking about me in a negative way and I replied while you’re talking about me try giving all the details and telling whoever it is what you just did. I laid back down and she continued to berate me then laid back down. I was silent, she then got up again and her tone and words more venomous than the last, she then thew water on me. I sat silently, she then said I threw water on her before and I acknowledge that I have. I recalled the day, I had the flu and she left me stranded in the house with no food and without a call nor would she pick up her phone. She left at 9a and did not return back to the house until 5a the next morning drunk and high out of her mind. This was a week or so after she first put her hands on me. I recall asking her why she was treating me so badly and she her rebuttle was condescending and yet again abusive I was infuriated and took the bottle of water sitting by me and threw it on her. That was how that incident began and end. Last weeks incident did not end the same way. After she poured the water on me she continued berating me and I sat silently listening to every word she had to say; after an hour of this behavior being told I’m nothing, I don’t have anything being called out my name etc. I replied, You know you make me miserable I’m leaving. Before I could get up she again attacked me, this time she was hitting me over and over again and yet again pulled me off the bed and began continuously hitting me. I was screaming for help and had my purse around my arm and my phone in my hand. She wrestled with me to take them away, she won that battle. I kept screaming why are you doing this I’m leaving and she seemingly calmed down. Upon my dash to the door she yet again began throwing me around like a rag doll and cornered me in the 2nd room exclaiming that I would not be allowed to leave. I tried to leave out of the fire escape in the bathroom attached to that room and she pulled me and wrestled me down then it resulted in her yet again hitting me and finally pushing me into the bathtub where I fell hit my head and the shower rod fell on me. I sat there for a while in pain and wailing, screaming for anyone in the building to call the police. This is just a taste of what I endured, the next morning the same behavior ensued, she told me Thursday night that she would allow me to leave in the morning. When I attempted to leave that morning and that she was sorry and it would never happen again, she begged me not to leave her. That was all a lie as usual, she again locked me in a room and told me I was not allowed to leave after physically abusing me once again. By Friday evening I guess she came to her senses in a way. I asked her for my phone and my laptop as she had both and I had no way of communicating with anyone at all! She held my phone until Monday and I text everyone I could to come get me; I was so afraid to attempt to leave and I couldn’t move. NO ONE helped me! I got no replies until Wednesday. I had no where to go and no one to turn to. In the past a girlfriend had abused me before and they didn’t even arrest her; they merely asked me if I was going back to NY and ensured I was out of her apt. they didn’t even call the paramedics even after seeing the bruises, broken finger and blood from the wounds she inflicted all the while she had none. No one helped me then and no one is possibly going to help me now. I sat there literally crippled with fear. My family at home in CA and in NY asked why did I sit there after the incident on Thursday & Friday.. I never answer I just sit silently. Part of the issue was I had no money to get on a bus and get away, if I did I would come back to NY as I have but no one was responding to me as I reached out to find a safe place. The other part of me my physical being could not literally move! I sat there looking at my bruises and trying to find a way to deal with the shock of the events this particular event and the ones that proceeded them. The time she pushed me on my birthday, the first time she ever laid a hand on me.. the time with my hand and one of the worst of all Valentines day. The other part wanted to believe she would change, that she really would go to therapy this time and not just say it and that since I still had some love for her despite everything I should be her rock and be by her side since as she stated “I’ve never put my hands on anyone before my relationship with you”. To be completely honest a part of me felt hopeless and stuck! But on Wednesday, I literally woke up from a dream that she actually killed me and found a text from my mother of all people to me asking how I was doing. My mother and I don’t have the best relationship and anytime I needed help she would graze over it, I told her in the past about my girlfriends abuse both verbal and physical; she would not allow me to stay with her, she offered no refuge she merely told me to work to get back on my feet and leave her when I had enough money to do so. I guess she had a wake up call herself upon reading my response and offered to buy me a ticket to NY, I accepted and took very little with me as my girlfriend was out to work at this point and I felt the need to leave immediately while I had both the resources and the mental strength to do so. I continued to reach out to a friend in NY asking for assistance who had apparently been out of town and they told me I could stay with them and we’d go back to get my things. That was part of my “great escape”. My things are still there and she continues to reach out to me. I’ve called the police station to see what they could offer to assist me with pressing charges, they offered little help. A part of me is afraid to even press charges honestly. I’m ashamed that I allowed this to happen again and I’m afraid of what she might do in retaliation. I also feel like I just want to just get my belongings and block her literally out of my life so that I can continue to rebuild; if we do go to court I would have to relive this situation again. I do however realize this was how I handled things the first time around and I am left with more emotional and psychological scares that do not go away as easy as we hope they would. I am considering actually standing up for myself completely this time around and seeking therapy as a victim and survivor of domestic violence. I don’t know what I can do as I went to the hospital and they could not offer much help since most of my bruises have healed although I still have physical pain and headaches. The police at the hospital took a statement but told me there is nothing they could do, I would have to report it in the state the assault took place in and they told me that I should have reported it immediately. I find it a disadvantage that others do not realize that reporting this type of behavior immediately is not as easy as they think. There should be something in place that sympathizes with the fear, the feeling of hopelessness, the mental anguish and the shock/trauma of what these events cause another human being. The fact is, it was done! I was physically and verbally abused.. in fear of my life, ashamed and broken in many ways! The fact remains that I was violated and that should be enough to seek legal assistance in making sure that person never does these things to anyone ever again!

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      D,
      It takes plenty of courage to be able to retell your story and all of the abuse that you have experienced. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. It is good to know that you are now a survivor and are living an abuse free life.

  12. Jan says:

    I am from Peru and I came to the US on March 29. I met a guy on the web and I thought I have found the seewtest, kindest and loveliest man on Earth. We have been chatting for a year and a half. We used to chat everyday and He was really a nice guy. We got married on April 10. When he went to Peru, he was so sweet that I fell in love with him. I believed every word that he said. He told me that he had three previous marriages but the problems in those relationships were provoked by his ex(s). Two weeks after our marriage he had and argument with his daughter due to the wedding gift that my husband’s sister gave to us. The 23 year-old daughter who is living with her boyfriend in my husband’s house did not want him to put our desk in one of the rooms. There was an argument between them. I just started crying because I had NEVER been involved in a situation like that with in my family from Peru. Two days later Her daughter provoked an argument again and this time with me. I told her that I do not trust her and do not believe her. I explained that I am not used to having arguments because I was not raised that way. The reason I do not trust her is due two previous incidents provoked by her. He knows that I am afraid of his daughter. He asked me why? and I told him that one day she said that she was in a bad mood because she had a bad day at work and one of her friends was SENT TO PRISON. I tried to make him understand that being a foreigner, without knowing her daughter’s friends and having had an argument with her make me feel worry about my security then he was very angry. I thought he was going to hit me.That night my husband woke up in the middle of the night and told me that he was going to work. I begged him to stay home because he knows that I am afraid of his daughter. Even though I begged him to stay home, he made me leave home. I told him that I had no money and no place to go. I started to cry. I look for a place to stay and I went to a shelter. They sent me a taxi because I do not this area. I could not sleep that night because I was shocked. The next morning I called his sister to tell her the truth of my leaving then he called me. He promised that he was not going to do it again and I believed him. We decided to give an opportunity to our relationship. Some days later I noticed that when I was on skype, He wanted to know whom I was talking to. He looks at my things and looks for my notes.
    I asked him to take me to a church but he doesn’t want to. I asked him to take me to Hubbs Center in MN but he says that it costs money to take me there. In my country I was a proffesor. I left my country, my jobs and my family to be with him. I asked him if I can have a shitzu or yorkie at home. He said NO. I do not like small dogs. Then yesterday he said he was going to bring a Rottweiler and he did it. I told him that I had a bad experience with a dog like that. Now I am in my bedroom with the door locked. I am very frightened because I tried to talk to him about the dog and he was angry. He does not control his anger. He says that he is the one who has the pants in this house and makes decisions.
    I am bleeding a little bit because I came after a surgery that I had in my country. He knew that I can not lift weight but he made me do it whe he made me leave home. I do not want to let him know that I am in pain because he is always talking about money and that everything is expensive here.
    I was hungry because I could not eat anything. He gave me an orange and I asked for some bread. I can not sleep. I can not work to get some money and rent a place for me because I am foreigner who came to the US as a fiancee. I do not what to do. It is embarrasing to call the shelter and tell them that I should have stayed with them. Now he is saying that I am provoking this situation that it is my fault and I am overeacting and everything is in my mind …

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Hi Jan,

      Your situation sounds very scary. It took much courage to leave and go to a shelter. Abusive partners are very good at knowing just the right thing to say to get their partner to come back home, but it is all manipulation. I am concerned about you being hurt from the surgery and not getting help, as well as, him not giving you food. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Please call The Hotline to speak with an advocate further about help with shelter, safety planning, and immigration help. When you have a safe moment you can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Also, it sounds like you had a good relationship with the shelter in your area, please do not feel embarassed to reach out for their help as well. Thank you for reaching out through our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  13. Jan says:

    I am from Peru and I came to the US on March 29. I met a guy on the web and I thought I have found the seewtest, kindest and loveliest man on Earth. We have been chatting for a year and a half. We used to chat everyday and He was really a nice guy. We got married on April 10. When he went to Peru, he was so sweet that I fell in love with him. I believed every word that he said. He told me that he had three previous marriages but the problems in those relationships were provoked by his ex(s). Two weeks after our marriage he had and argument with his daughter due to the wedding gift that my husband’s sister gave to us. The 23 year-old daughter who is living with her boyfriend in my husband’s house did not want him to put our desk in one of the rooms. There was an argument between them. I just started crying because I had NEVER been involved in a situation like that with in my family from Peru. Two days later Her daughter provoked an argument again and this time with me. I told her that I do not trust her and do not believe her. I explained that I am not used to having arguments because I was not raised that way. The reason I do not trust her is due two previous incidents provoked by her. He knows that I am afraid of his daughter. He asked me why? and I told him that one day she said that she was in a bad mood because she had a bad day at work and one of her friends was SENT TO PRISON. I tried to make him understand that being a foreigner, without knowing her daughter’s friends and having had an argument with her make me feel worry about my security then he was very angry. I thought he was going to hit me.That night my husband woke up in the middle of the night and told me that he was going to work. I begged him to stay home because he knows that I am afraid of his daughter. Even though I begged him to stay home, he made me leave home. I told him that I had no money and no place to go. I started to cry. I look for a place to stay and I went to a shelter. They sent me a taxi because I do not this area. I could not sleep that night because I was shocked. The next morning I called his sister to tell her the truth of my leaving then he called me. He promised that he was not going to do it again and I believed him. We decided to give an opportunity to our relationship. Some days later I noticed that when I was on skype, He wanted to know whom I was talking to. He looks at my things and looks for my notes.
    I asked him to take me to a church but he doesn’t want to. I asked him to take me to Hubbs Center in MN but he says that it costs money to take me there. In my country I was a proffesor. I left my country, my jobs and my family to be with him. I asked him if I can have a shitzu or yorkie at home. He said NO. I do not like small dogs. Then yesterday he said he was going to bring a Rottweiler and he did it. I told him that I had a bad experience with a dog like that. Now I am in my bedroom with the door locked. I am very frightened because I tried to talk to him about the dog and he was angry. He does not control his anger. He says that he is the one who has the pants in this house and makes decisions.
    I am bleeding a little bit because I came after a surgery that I had in my country. He knew that I can not lift weight but he made me do it whe he made me leave home. I do not want to let him know that I am in pain because he is always talking about money and that everything is expensive here.
    I was hungry because I could not eat anything. He gave me an orange and I asked for some bread. I can not sleep. I can not work to get some money and rent a place for me because I am foreigner who came to the US as a fiancee. I do not what to do. It is embarrasing to call the shelter and tell them that I should have stayed with them. Now he is saying that I am provoking this situation that it is my fault and I am overeacting and everything is in my mind …

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Hi Jan,

      Your situation sounds very scary. It took much courage to leave and go to a shelter. Abusive partners are very good at knowing just the right thing to say to get their partner to come back home, but it is all manipulation. I am concerned about you being hurt from the surgery and not getting help, as well as, him not giving you food. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Please call The Hotline to speak with an advocate further about help with shelter, safety planning, and immigration help. When you have a safe moment you can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Also, it sounds like you had a good relationship with the shelter in your area, please do not feel embarassed to reach out for their help as well. Thank you for reaching out through our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

      • HotlineAdmin_AB says:

        Floyd: This certainly sounds like an extremely difficult situation. We are available to help you and offer some possible safety strategies. I know it can be very frightening to go through something like this. We are a confidential phone line and you or your friend can contact us anytime it is safe to do so. You can call us at 1-800-799-7233. We could try to help you develop a plan for dealing with this. We are here 24/7 to support you and will assist you in finding additional resources.

  14. Samantha says:

    Jan get ahold of ur family and tell them u need to come home go back to the shelter and tell them everything that’s goen on they’ll take u to church’s to see if they’ll help with ur ticket get out of the girl u don’t deserve that go back and pick ur old life up and find a dream man that treats u like a queen

  15. Sandra says:

    I met my boyfriend while renting an up stais apartment and he lived down stairs. I would go down stairs regularly to spend time with him. Things were going good for the first couple of months and we decided to move in together by renting a home. That’s when things turned for the worse. Suddenly, I was accused of spoiling my children, I needed to have the house clean for his friends to come over. He was always late with his share of the rent and didn’t help with the utilities, yet asked me to buy beer every weekend. If that was not enough. I had to have sex with him at any hour of the night when he was drunk and if I didn’t it would turn into an agrument that would result in him threatening to hit me. If I ever missed a phone call from him, I was accused of having an affair with co-workers or the clerks at the grocery store because I went to the store twice a week. Everynight, was a list of his complaints about me and my children. When I offered to leave, he said that noone would take me or my spoiled children. I should be greatful that I have him. I don’t have any money to leave. I don’t want to stress my mom out by suddenly moving in with her and interrupt her life. I have told him that I want us to work on trust, respect, love, etc . by seeking counsuling, but he feels that I am the one who needs help not him. His family is aware of his behavior patteren so I am wondering if I should ask them for help? At the same time I don’t want to add fuel to the fire. What can I do?

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Hi Sandra,

      I am very glad you reached out for help. What you describe is very common in an abusive relationship…everything is good at first, then the realationship is escalated quickly into the two moving in together, and then the abusive partner starts to show the hurt. Your situation sounds very scary. No one has the right to demand you have intimate relations with them, or to control who you can or can’t talk to or threaten you with violence if you don’t do what they say.

      He has a choice in how he treats you and he is choosing to be manipulative, intimidating, and abusive. It is normal to want your batterer to get help and work on the relationship, but he has to be the one to take responsibility for his actions and seek out counseling, for himself, not as couples or marriage counseling.

      Please call The Hotline to speak with an advocate further about your situation. They can talk to you about safety planning, options, and find local referrals. You can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Also, I know it can be hard to reach out to family for help, but they are usually waiting for that call from you and are willing to help in any way they can. Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  16. Floyd says:

    My ex girlfriend has been complaining about her kids dad for quite some time. He has a past of being physically and mentally abusive with her previously in a different state. That abuse resulted in a breakup that lasted 5 years. Now that I’m out of the picture with her, he has come back into her life again only to start abusing her more. The worst thing is they have 2 kids that witness this. I’m a big guy and he scares me. My ex is terrified to call the police and honestly so am I. He is crazy. He wouldn’t care about spending 5 years in jail..he would just get out and seek revenge. How am I supposed to help? If I say something confidentially, he will still know it was me or her who turned him in. Our lives would be turned into a world of fear, looking over our shoulder all the time…the penalties for these crimes are a joke! It just affords the offender the opportunity to plan revenge. No counseling is going to help a guy like him. He’s drunk all day and does just about every drug there is. But hes abusive sober as well. I guess Im looking for help because she came and stayed at my house last night and I saw the bruises. Also we had lunch earlier in the day with the kids, who were saying how their dad kicked them all out of the house without their clothes or school things early in the morning and was choking mommy and threw her down. This guy needs to go to prison for life. He will end seriously hurting or killing her no matter what unless we can figure something out. Help me please! I don’t know what to do.

  17. Floyd says:

    Please help. I am scared for her and the kids. If we call the police, which has been done in the past, it gets worse. One day it’s going to go to far. Is there any other way to deal with this? Basically this guy is a multi felon with not much to liv for and nothing to lose.

  18. Stef says:

    I have been married for 10 years, have put up with drugs, arguments, unemployment.. so many things. I am now a professional and have a 4 yr old child. Things excalated when I obtained a promotion at work and he has become very controlling. He has punched walls, thrown objects at me, positioned himself in front of me to block my way, grabbed me from my neck. I’ve grown tired, so tired of this situation. I purchased a home only in my name last year, just bought my own car… I have been preparing myself for separation for the past two years. But now, as the deadline approaches and I’ve gained strength to let go, he has become even more suspicious and needy. He purposely jeopardized his job as was fired 1 week ago. Now he demands that I dont kick him out without him having anywhere to go. He “smells” me when I come home from work to make sure I have not cheated, monitors my calls, yells and calls me the worse names I have ever heard. He said if I ever moved on to someone else he would kill me and the guy. I don’t know what to do, he needs me and I’m accostumed to saving him out of every problem but I have just had it. He cried last night asking for one more chance, that he will change. Can change happen?

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Hello Stef,

      It takes plenty of courage and strength to be able to reach out and ask for help. Sounds like you have been doing the best that you can to move forward and prepare everything just right. In domestic violence the abuser will do all they can to prevent you from leaving and will do the best that they can to make you feel guilty. You truly do not deserve to be treated like that in any way. You deserve to be happy, live your life in peace, and do the things you like to without being controlled. If you are able to and when you are safe please give The Hotline a call. The Hotline is open 24 hours a day and advocates are more than willing to do the best that they can to help you. You can reach The Hotline at: 1-800-799-7233.

  19. allison black says:

    i feel like my brother and my father are always attacking me. i don’t live with my dad anymore, but i see my brother daily. everyday he says rude things to me or throughs me to the floor. he’s about 3 years older than me so i’m not sure how to protect myself. When i try to get people to help me they believe me at first but when i tell them about when he raped me a few years ago they stop. Thwey say that my brother is to nice of a person and would never hurt me or anyone eles like that. The few people that do belive me tell me that i need to tell the cops or someone that can make him go to jail. I won’t ever do that though. he’s my big brother, and what kind of sister would i be if i made him go to jail,nad moreimportantly why would the poilice believe me over him. Our cloths were still on so you can’t tell that i was raped. And now that i’m finaly getting away from him i have to go live with my father in a different part of the state. my mother got a new job there and instead of getting her own place she lives with my dad (her EX HUSBAND. that seems to be the problam for her. she doesn’t want him to leave her and i’m not very sure why. even if he doesn’t push her around like he does to me she could still get a man that actually loves her and doesn’t just want to help her so that he can dangle those favores over her head) and he makes me crazy. I always go back to cutting myself when he’s around. I’m really not sure why. I think it’s a mix of the fact that I blame myself for letting him hurt me and touch me, and not telling my mother when he does (not that she believes me either. My dad came from a “troubled” home so he doesn’t know that asking to help me get dressed is wrong or spanking me (even though i’m a teenager isn’t a good thing to do. Don’t get me wrong I love my mother more than anything, i just she would help me.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Allison,

      To be able to share what is occurring in your life is not easy. You are not alone and there is help. You do not deserve to be mistreated in any way or abused at all. From what have stated, there is no excuse for the abuse that your brother or you Father is doing to you. Since you are still considered a minor, what your father is doing to you is child abuse. If you have any teachers that you trust or even a school counselor, feel free to speak with them about the things that are occurring. You are more than welcomed to call us even if though our resources are limited to what you are going through. Another good resource that you could help you is an organization called Child Help. You can reach Child Help at: 1-800-422-4453 and they are available 24 hours a day. If you have access to the internet, helpguide.org and you can click on the teen tab. If you would like to reach The Hotline, the phone number is: 1-800-799-7233. Remember that you are not alone and that there are people willing to help you.

  20. Jess says:

    My situation falls under an umbrella. There is no category for it. The closest thing police can come up with is domestic violence. I was molested for seven years by a family member, and my family all took up for him. Last year, I filed a restraining order, because he always told me he would kill me if I ever told. Three days after that order was filed, our house burned down. I was the only one home. Did I mention that I have a child from this abuse? Makes thing more interesting…

    …DNA results will be released any day now. I don’t want to be here when they are. He’ll kill us. I know he will. There’s no “if.” He’s already tried. He’s going down, and has nothing to lose by killing us. How does someone get money to run away? My credit is horrible (because of him opening accounts in my name). My whole family is on his side, and they don’t want their sweet baby to go to prison. So, I’m on my own. And the sooner we get out of here, the better. Get away from the danger, from the people who say it wasn’t rape, that it’s no big deal, that I should drop the DVO.

    How would someone get a loan? Is there a loan or grant program for violence situations? How did you other ladies escape?

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Jess,

      Your situation sounds very dangerous. I am sorry that your family is not supportive of you and is taking sides with someone who has threatened to take your life. I am glad you are thinking about the safety of you and your child. There are domestic violence shelters that are safe houses in which you could stay. Please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for help locating resources in your area. It takes a lot of courage to show an abusive individual that there are consequences to their actions (getting a protective order, getting a DNA test, and involving the police). There are ways to get away and be safe. I am glad you reached out for help through our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  21. Samantha says:

    Jess call the help line they’ll help u find a shelter to stay at wit other women and children “safe house” until u save up money to get away good luck y’all are in prayers

  22. Sad and angry says:

    Last night and this morning my drunk boyfriend attacked me for telling him that it would be nice if he came in with me sometimes instead of always telling me he’ll be in after a beer or in 15 minutes. I don’t know why I said that I should no better to say anything he might take as critical as he flies into rages when he is verbal abusive and physically abusive. He makes me look at him while he is calling me awful names and I’d I try to talk he whistles really loud like you would at a dog but in my face. He demands I apologize and then tells me I don’t mean it. Sometimes I drop to my knees other times I stand there maintaining eye contact I don’t know what happens that makes him grab my arm and twist my wrist or squeeze my bicep or pinch me, sometimes he puts his hands around my neck to strangle me, lately he had been hitting me in the head. I think it is because I told him I have pictures of all the bruises he leaves in me. I thought fear of discovery might deter him., he beat me up and threatened to call the police on me, and I said go ahead and I’ll show them all the pictures I have of you. Sometimes he head butts me. This last episode he did everything and even twisted my toes when that’s what he could get and stepped on my tops of my feet so I couldn’t get away. I’m sore all over tonight and I told him and he called me a pussy, he also said I attacked him which didn’t happen. I am scared because of threats he has made regarding our child together is there any way to defuse a situation where the abuser is so angry and physically aggressive? I am so frustrated because I love him or did I guess I’m realizing this will never change and I am just documenting as much of the abuse as possible. It’s so invalidating to be blamed and made fun for the hurt I suffer.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Sad and Angry,

      You do not deserve to be treated that way at all. None of the abuse is your fault, you have been doing the correct thing in documenting everything including taking pictures. You and your child deserve to live in a safe enviroment without the worry of getting hurt or the pain of physical abuse. You are not alone and there is help. If you are safe to speak and would like to get help please give The Hotline a call. The Hotline is always available 24 hours a day and you can reach us at 1-800-799-7233.

  23. Yasmin says:

    Hi, I live in canada . I came from Brazil, I met my husband while I came to Canada to study.
    I am 27years old, and 3 yeras married. My husband is 40y old and he is lebanese.
    In the beggining of the marriage he was very kind with me, but since 2 yeras ago he changed.
    In front of people or when we go visit my family in Brazil he is very nice, kind with me. But when we r home me and him, he changes in everything. Actually; I am pregnant, after a miscarrige 2 years ago, finally I got pregnant it was his dream to have a baby. I am on the third.month now. But he didnt stoo fighting with me, shaking me when he is mad, saying bad words, becaus he found a dirty plate with the cleans one. I said it was me i put there by mistake because i would never keep a dirty plate. He scream with me, shake me and pulled me by the arms. He gets anything in front of him and throw it on me. Or he just kick the fridge or a door with his hands. He is a strong men.and I am affraid of him. Very affraid. He already beat me once. When he was a bit drunk but today and the other times he was normal didnt drink. Always when we have a discussion he throw things and kick the furniture. I m very scaried .i have no family here. And nobody knows of that.
    And i.am pregnant, I dont know what to do. Everybody likes him..his friends..family..but nobody knowas how he acts with me. I have a bit of cramps know because I am too nervous, i came in my room and a i locked my door. He went away. What should I.do? Please somebody give me opinion.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Yasmin,

      Thank you for sharing with our blog community. This sounds like a very scary situation. Unfortunately, we know that abuse tends to escalate during pregnancy and with what you have described, I am concerned for your safety. People who are abusive use many tactics in order to maintain control in the relationship, including throwing things to intimidate you or using excuses like alcohol for their abusive behavior.

      There may be options available for you and if you are safe to talk, I encourage you to reach out to us at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233. An advocate is available 24/7 to offer guidance and support. The hotline is located in the US but we may have some resources for you in your area. Another hotline that focuses on Domestic Violence in Canada is the Canadian Hotline, 1800-267-1291.

      I hope you are able to contact us for help with a plan to increase your safety.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  24. Shay says:

    I ask for prayers. I am in an abusive marriage. I have 2 teens and a 4month old baby. My husband doesn’t help do anything, but complains about everything. He keeps the money away from me. Curses out my friends so I won’t have any. He acts bipolar one minute he is ok the next he is screaming and slamming doors like a child at 4am. He put me out of the bedroom because I refuse to have sex. He feels that because we are married I don’t have a right to say no.I brought an air mattress so I wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor he cut it with a knife. I am scared most of the time and I am gathering resources to leave. Just pray for me.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Shay,

      Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like a lot is going on. From what you have described, it sounds like this is a very abusive situation. People who are abusive will use many different tactics to maintain control over their partner, including isolating them from their friends, limiting access to any resources like money, and marital rape. I am glad to hear that you are gathering resources and reaching out for help. We know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person is trying to leave. If you would like to come up with a safety plan, I encourage you to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. An advocate is available 24/7 to offer guidance and suppport and the call is completely anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  25. joelyn says:

    im 21 whene I was 19 I was in a abusive relationship a month befor iturned 20 he stabed me hit me in my face w a weight set threw me off a balconey I had broken jaw fractured ribs he almost killed me I was scared to leavecausehe had already warned me about leaving so I never left I wish I would of before it got to that ictent he is in prision now doing a 15 year sentence I am terrified of whene hegets out but I am alive and his not in my life and its the best feeling ever any how about a month ago I ended up in the same situation a over controlling guy and the first time he layed hands I left u should do the same before something happenes if u need some one to talk to I amhere keep your head p be strong

    • HotlineAdvocate_MT says:

      Thank you for sharing your story with our Blog community. I’m sorry you went through such a horrific time with your abuser. The abuse you suffered leaves such trauma and fear. It’s good to hear that you got out of the situation and that he can no longer harm you while he’s in prison. How wonderful that you are now feeling alive and free from the abuse you suffered. Please feel free to reach out to our National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-SAFE(7233) so that we can help you with a safety plan and a number that you can register with and get word when he is being released. Best of luck and again thank you for keeping your head up and being so strong.

      Hotline Admin – MT

  26. Beatriz says:

    Yesterday was the first time my husband ever put his hands on me. I’m so shocked scared I don’t Knw wat to do ….. He chocked me slapped me pushed me kept me from living I don’t love cause he was treating I’m living with my daughter. I love him so much I don’t Knw how to be away from him he promises not to do it agan. I always said no guy was Goanna hit me but Knw that I’m in that position I’m lost I’m scared … So I’m stupid for forgiving him but I don’t want my daughter to be with our her dad I’m pretty sure of it happens agan I will live him I’m sorry I promise no to tell no one oft family so that’s y I’m writing here. I needed to let it out

    • HotlineAdmin_MCo says:

      Beatriz,

      Wow! That sounds like a really terrifying situation. Thank you so much for reaching out. I know it can be really hard to talk about situations like this. There is so much misinformation and shame that it can be hard to know who to talk too. You don’t deserve to be treated this way but I understand why you would hesitate to leave. You certainly are not stupid for forgiving him. Its not stupid to forgive the ones you love. Domestic violence is complicated and there are no easy answers. What we do know is that the violence almost always escalates. Rarely do we see the violence get better. Now I can’t tell you what is going to happen in your case, I can only share what we have seen in other situations.

      I would invite you to give us a call at 1(800)799.7233. We are here 24 hours a day. We are completely confidential and anonymous. We can talk about your situation, explore ways you can keep yourself safe and get you connected to resources in your area that can help. You don’t have to face this by yourself. We are here to help.

      Stay safe,
      Hotline Advocate MC

  27. sad says:

    today was the second time my husband pushed me. he s a perfectionist and doesnt like if things are not in order. the fight started when i forgot to switch off the geyser. he says i never do things right. i work and at the end of the day am tired. he expects me to keep all things in order for him. whatever i do doesnt please him.

    • HotlineAdmin_MCo says:

      Sad,

      Thanks for reaching out. You do not deserve to be treated that way. You have a right to be safe and there is never any excuse for someone putting their hands on you. It is very common for abusers to find any little thing to nitpick and to make you feel bad about yourself.

      If you can, give us a call 1(800)799.7233. We can develop a plan for your safety and get you connected to resources that can help

      Until then,
      Hotline Advocate MC

  28. Lisa says:

    My boyfriend and argue at least 3 times a day. When he gets mad in t. he heat of the arguement and chokes me.I live in fear everyday and i know its not fair to my kids or me.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Lisa,

      Choking is a very aggressive act of violence. It must be very scary for you when this happens. You do not deserve to be treated that way, please give The National Domestic Violence Hotline a call for help. Advocates are here 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. I am glad you reached out through our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  29. sn says:

    I am bit confused with my husbands nature or behaviour. And I need help to know whether I am a victom of Domestic violence or not. I am from India, now staying in USA. I have been staying with my husband since 10 years. It is very difficult to guess his mood. His mood swings very fast. In earlier days of my Marriage , my husband use to physically abuse me. In 2006 my daughter was born and he continued raising hands on me so I left him alone and went to live with my parents. After 9 months my husband promised my parents that hewill not beat me physically. So my parents requested me to return to my husbands house just for sake of my daughter. so I did. My husbands has decreased physically abusing me but has started saying me names and always threatens me that he is going to leave me and will harm my parents whenever an argument takes place in the house, even he calls my parents and threatens them also like take Your daughter back …. Now when we are in USA he does not gives me money and does not allows me to talk to my parent back in India. Although he talks to his parents in India daily. He says that it is of no good to give me money because he gets all the groceries for the house. He never takes us out to dine or for entertainments. These are few of the things I have mentioned which upsets me and makes me think to go back to my parents house. I am bit confused with my husbands behaviour so wanted help to know whether I am a victom of Domestic Violence or not. Please help me.

    • HotlineAdvocate_MT says:

      Dear SN,

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that you and your daughter are living in abuse. What you have described is definitely domestic violence. You mention that your husband does not give you money for the household. We call this economic abuse. His mood swings, calling you names, and disrespectful treatment of you are signs of verbal and emotional abuse. The fact that he was hitting you is of course physical abuse. You said he will not let you visit your parents in India. Abusers will often isolate their partners from friends and family so that they can continue having as much power and control over their victims. They will also threaten harm to family members just as your husband has done. I am sorry to hear of this treatment and want you to know this is not your fault. It is the way abusers treat their victims in intimate relationships. After so many years trying to make the marriage work i can imagine that you are sad and exhausted. Unfortunately most abusers do not change. Please call us so we can explore resources, solutions, and options with you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is (800) 799-SAFE(7233). You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      Hotline Advocate_MT

      • sn says:

        I have a phone which is always tracked by my husband as he has activated that phone number through his personal email. So will it be safe to call the suggested number for help through that? As I do not have anyother source to call. Please let me know.

        • HotlineAdmin_MK says:

          SN,

          I understand your concern about calling us. If your husband is tracking your call, it may not be safe for you to call us from it. Your safety comes first. Consider using a friend’s phone or a payphone if those are accessible to you. If not, and you are more comfortable using the internet to communicate with us, know that there are advocates available for live chat Monday – Friday’s from 9:00am – 7:00pm via our website, http://www.thehotline.org. This may be a safer option.

          Hotline Advocate MK

  30. Stephanie says:

    I am in a similar situation to most of you. I get called a whore, slut,a cunt, can’t do anything right. I’m told how I’m worthless pathetic. My husband says he doesn’t hit me he scratched me. Broke several cell phones, he does this when he drinks if I don’t give him sex he goes crazy stands at the bed looks at me until I wake up just to fight with me then tells me I sleep like a baby. My husband says I deserve it. He has been in an alcohol treatment center and says he’s their because of me, when he did nothing wrong. He says crazy stupid fat and evil Bitch. So I had him arrested a few times and he is getting ready to come home from treatment center. When he was in jail I had him served divorce papers and I ended up sleeping with an extra 3 different times in a month while he was in jail its been a year since I’ve seen the ex. Now my husband says he needs a sister wife I can’t handle that idea. Everytime I have alone time I just cry. I know I am Bad and I don’t want to be but my husband is emotionally physically verbally and mentally abusive. Am I crazy for being apprehensive about his return home. Or am I really stupid and crazy. He also says I deserve to hurt, I’m just afraid

    • HotlineAdmin_CC says:

      Stephanie,

      You definitely are not crazy for being nervous about his return home, that is a completely normal feeling to have.

      Your situation certainly sounds like a difficult one that would be best served by communicating with you directly. If you would please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, we would be happy to discuss your concerns and offer some strategies.

      Take care,

      Hotline Advocate CC

  31. Regina says:

    I’ve been with my husband for almost 4 years. The day after we got married was the first time he started to abuse me. We Got angry over me working too much and got up top of me and started punching and kicking me. Today he got mad at me over an email I received from someone he doesn’t like. He hit me in my head, it’s been 5 hours and I still have a huge headache and feel extremely nauseous. I had to quit my job and take care of our kids. I have no money and no where to go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared that he will kill me.

    • HotlineAdmin_RG says:

      Dear Regina,

      Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story with us. It sounds like you are in a very scary situation. If you think you need medical attention you may want to consider going to the ER. You always have the right to call 911 if you feel like you or your children are in danger. Your safety and wellbeing are important. I encourage you to contact us directly and speak with one of our advocates. Our advocates can help you to create a safety plan and can connect you with resources in your area. You can reach us by chat from 7am to 2am CST daily and by phone 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

      Take care,
      Hotline Advocate RG

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