Comments on: DVAM Challenge 8, For Frustrated Friends & Family http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 Thu, 23 May 2013 16:32:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 By: HotlineAdmin_MB http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-17288 HotlineAdmin_MB Mon, 18 Feb 2013 04:41:34 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-17288 Anonymous, I am sorry that your family had to endure living in an abusive household. It sounds like your mother may not have known that there were resources available to her. If you or anyone else impacted by the abuse in your family would like referrals for counseling and support groups locally, you can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing with our blog community. Hotlineadvocate_MB Anonymous,

I am sorry that your family had to endure living in an abusive household. It sounds like your mother may not have known that there were resources available to her. If you or anyone else impacted by the abuse in your family would like referrals for counseling and support groups locally, you can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

Hotlineadvocate_MB

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_MB http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-17287 HotlineAdmin_MB Mon, 18 Feb 2013 04:34:24 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-17287 Anonymous, Abusive relationships can be complicated and can definitely impact the children who grow up in them. There are many reasons why a victim may stay: financial dependence, children, threats, and even love. You do not mention if you have talked to your mom about what her reasons might have been for staying, maybe that is a discussion the two of you can have; it may help the healing process. A book that might be helpful to you is <em>When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse</em> by Lundy Bancroft. As for the sexual harassment at work, have you thought about talking to Human Resources? If that is not an option you can call 9to5.org, an organization that can help with work place harassment, at (800) 522-0925. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 if you would like referrals locally for counseling or support groups. Thank you for reaching out through our blog community. Hotlineadvocate_MB Anonymous,

Abusive relationships can be complicated and can definitely impact the children who grow up in them. There are many reasons why a victim may stay: financial dependence, children, threats, and even love. You do not mention if you have talked to your mom about what her reasons might have been for staying, maybe that is a discussion the two of you can have; it may help the healing process. A book that might be helpful to you is When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse by Lundy Bancroft.

As for the sexual harassment at work, have you thought about talking to Human Resources? If that is not an option you can call 9to5.org, an organization that can help with work place harassment, at (800) 522-0925.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 if you would like referrals locally for counseling or support groups. Thank you for reaching out through our blog community.

Hotlineadvocate_MB

]]> By: anonymous http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-17281 anonymous Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:36:25 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-17281 The religious community does not help. During all the years of domestic violence, we went to church acting like everything is normal but when Dad came home-he yelled and my mother was black and blue. My earliest memory at 2 or 3 is hiding because my ragaholic father(sperm donor) was coming home. My father eventually had an affair with his secretary married her and gave her all his money. He bragged about giving all the marital assets to her rather than my mother. The religious community does not help. During all the years of domestic violence, we went to church acting like everything is normal but when Dad came home-he yelled and my mother was black and blue. My earliest memory at 2 or 3 is hiding because my ragaholic father(sperm donor) was coming home. My father eventually had an affair with his secretary married her and gave her all his money. He bragged about giving all the marital assets to her rather than my mother.

]]> By: anonymous http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-17280 anonymous Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:31:26 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-17280 Do you realize the example you give to your female daughters when you stay with an abuser? My mother stayed with my father and offered herself to be the sacrificial lamb. I decided based on the domestic violence in growing up I would never have children. I chose men who treated me less than a dog. I still have male coworkers who sexually harass me even though I show no sexual interest..there is a young married female coworker who slept with a married and single male coworker on the same shift. The female's husband came for a confrontation. The other shift male coworker's immediately used the confrontation to start harassing all females on the shift. The 52 year old married male coworker danced like a male stripper in an elevator with 7-8 other males when I was riding to go to work. No male stopped him...it all a joke. The reason the males were so bold was because the young female gave them all the reasons to start sexual harassment of all female coworkers on the shift. I changed shifts because after domestic violence and disrespect by a psychotic father I could not take this abuse any more. I was told of my father's death after his funeral.. by my brother who then told me to go to hell because my father spread lies to my brother and sister about me. I was not given any funeral time off but due to uncontrollable crying the management later gave me one day off for the death of my father. My father told everyone that I reminded him of my mother because I had her physical features. My sister did not resemble my mother and my father idolized her and she became his surrogate spouse.The effects of abuse followed me into my mid 50's. Do you realize the example you give to your female daughters when you stay with an abuser? My mother stayed with my father and offered herself to be the sacrificial lamb. I decided based on the domestic violence in growing up I would never have children. I chose men who treated me less than a dog. I still have male coworkers who sexually harass me even though I show no sexual interest..there is a young married female coworker who slept with a married and single male coworker on the same shift. The female’s husband came for a confrontation. The other shift male coworker’s immediately used the confrontation to start harassing all females on the shift. The 52 year old married male coworker danced like a male stripper in an elevator with 7-8 other males when I was riding to go to work. No male stopped him…it all a joke. The reason the males were so bold was because the young female gave them all the reasons to start sexual harassment of all female coworkers on the shift. I changed shifts because after domestic violence and disrespect by a psychotic father I could not take this abuse any more. I was told of my father’s death after his funeral.. by my brother who then told me to go to hell because my father spread lies to my brother and sister about me. I was not given any funeral time off but due to uncontrollable crying the management later gave me one day off for the death of my father. My father told everyone that I reminded him of my mother because I had her physical features. My sister did not resemble my mother and my father idolized her and she became his surrogate spouse.The effects of abuse followed me into my mid 50′s.

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_AM http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-16200 HotlineAdmin_AM Wed, 21 Nov 2012 04:57:27 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-16200 Rose, Thanks for having the courage to share your story with our blog community. It sounds like he put you through so much for a long time and it's great to hear that you are now safe. It is very common for people who are abusive not to show their abuse at first and for it to be gradual. Abuse is all about someone wanting to gain control over the other person so it's typical for things to start out good. If you'd like to speak to an advocate at anytime, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Your story is very inspiring- thanks again! Rose,

Thanks for having the courage to share your story with our blog community. It sounds like he put you through so much for a long time and it’s great to hear that you are now safe. It is very common for people who are abusive not to show their abuse at first and for it to be gradual. Abuse is all about someone wanting to gain control over the other person so it’s typical for things to start out good. If you’d like to speak to an advocate at anytime, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Your story is very inspiring- thanks again!

]]> By: rose http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-16187 rose Tue, 20 Nov 2012 10:15:45 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-16187 i was abused.. it started out i could never come home to see my family as we lived across the state. i missed funerals and holidays and it made me so sad. i would have to call and say he said the car was not running right, or he thought we were short on money, or something else like that. i did not even realize how much of me was gone till i was told i had an illness, no cure but i survive and i live. when i was pregnant with my youngest daughter he choked me, twisted my arms forced me to my knees and was always threatening me under his breath so no one but i knew it. i finally left when my youngest was 11 he tried to swat at her and she had never been in trouble and did not know how to react so she dodged and ran. a few days later i found a womans panties in his laundry after he had a military trip. i thought the man can not be kind to me but could be nice enough to charm the panties off someone else. i felt alone in a crowd. and i was so self-conscious i could actually not walk into a convience store because i felt no good.he threatened to kill me when i left. but he also tried to tell me i always had a home. it took me a few years to get my belief in me back. i have not laid eyes on him in 4 years and that is fine with me. i was married to the man over 25 years. all i can say is he did not start out mean. but he undermined my confidence and made me feel like everything in the world was my fault. when i got sick, i was so afraid i would die sad. then i started realizing what i had let him do to me. i was too good to him, and he turned it on me. i did not realize totally what all he had done to me until i got away for awhile. i remember the last few times we were intimate, he hurt me, i cried all night. i remember feeling dirty and used, he just did not care about how you felt. i have not been with a man or even on a date since. i am probably a bit scared. besides i am not a thin beauty. i am a chunky big-hearted woman that loves to laugh and i think i fear someone not being real. and i never want fingertip bruises on my arms or someone talking down to me like i am nothing ever again. i do not wish to see anyone else live it either. it happens so slowly.. in my case it did.. he was not like that right away. he did it slowly because i was strong when we first married, but little by little i lost me. i never knew it till i got some strength from somewhere and left. i wish i had found myself sooner, but i am so thankful that i found me at all. he had tried to drag me with his truck and i am blessed i did not die as many women do. i know i felt shamed but now i will tell it cause i am so afraid someone else may be on that slow road to being dominated. if he had just hit me at the first i would have left, but because he took my confidence i did not realize how bad it was.. i knew i was sad and alone. i wrapped my being up in my kids. so i would not have to deal with what i was living. i dont know if my story fits, but i worry someone else may be slowly loosing themselves. i was abused.. it started out i could never come home to see my family as we lived across the state. i missed funerals and holidays and it made me so sad. i would have to call and say he said the car was not running right, or he thought we were short on money, or something else like that. i did not even realize how much of me was gone till i was told i had an illness, no cure but i survive and i live. when i was pregnant with my youngest daughter he choked me, twisted my arms forced me to my knees and was always threatening me under his breath so no one but i knew it. i finally left when my youngest was 11 he tried to swat at her and she had never been in trouble and did not know how to react so she dodged and ran. a few days later i found a womans panties in his laundry after he had a military trip. i thought the man can not be kind to me but could be nice enough to charm the panties off someone else. i felt alone in a crowd. and i was so self-conscious i could actually not walk into a convience store because i felt no good.he threatened to kill me when i left. but he also tried to tell me i always had a home. it took me a few years to get my belief in me back. i have not laid eyes on him in 4 years and that is fine with me. i was married to the man over 25 years. all i can say is he did not start out mean. but he undermined my confidence and made me feel like everything in the world was my fault. when i got sick, i was so afraid i would die sad. then i started realizing what i had let him do to me. i was too good to him, and he turned it on me. i did not realize totally what all he had done to me until i got away for awhile. i remember the last few times we were intimate, he hurt me, i cried all night. i remember feeling dirty and used, he just did not care about how you felt. i have not been with a man or even on a date since. i am probably a bit scared. besides i am not a thin beauty. i am a chunky big-hearted woman that loves to laugh and i think i fear someone not being real. and i never want fingertip bruises on my arms or someone talking down to me like i am nothing ever again. i do not wish to see anyone else live it either. it happens so slowly.. in my case it did.. he was not like that right away. he did it slowly because i was strong when we first married, but little by little i lost me. i never knew it till i got some strength from somewhere and left. i wish i had found myself sooner, but i am so thankful that i found me at all. he had tried to drag me with his truck and i am blessed i did not die as many women do. i know i felt shamed but now i will tell it cause i am so afraid someone else may be on that slow road to being dominated. if he had just hit me at the first i would have left, but because he took my confidence i did not realize how bad it was.. i knew i was sad and alone. i wrapped my being up in my kids. so i would not have to deal with what i was living. i dont know if my story fits, but i worry someone else may be slowly loosing themselves.

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_RE http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-9843 HotlineAdmin_RE Wed, 17 Oct 2012 22:58:27 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-9843 Julia, It's not uncommon for a survivor of abuse to still be dealing with the effects of the trauma they've been through, even after being away from that relationship. There may be counseling services available for you locally. If you'd like to talk to someone and find local programs for help, you are welcome to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline here at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential, and a safe place to talk about it. HotlineAdvocate_RE Julia,
It’s not uncommon for a survivor of abuse to still be dealing with the effects of the trauma they’ve been through, even after being away from that relationship. There may be counseling services available for you locally. If you’d like to talk to someone and find local programs for help, you are welcome to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline here at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential, and a safe place to talk about it.

HotlineAdvocate_RE

]]> By: Julia http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-9802 Julia Wed, 17 Oct 2012 20:10:20 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-9802 I you were abused a long time ago but you are still thinking about it and it is affecting your life can you still get counseling?. Can you still get this counseling even if the abuser is no longer stalking you and threating you but you are still afraid and remember every time you see him? I you were abused a long time ago but you are still thinking about it and it is affecting your life can you still get counseling?. Can you still get this counseling even if the abuser is no longer stalking you and threating you but you are still afraid and remember every time you see him?

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_MB http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-9433 HotlineAdmin_MB Tue, 16 Oct 2012 03:12:13 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-9433 Mari, It is great to hear you are a survivor. It can be very scary to leave, especially when someone is telling you they are going to kill you and your friend; but you took those courageous steps and left. You mention that you are still feeling the emotions from what happened, if you would like a referral for counseling or support groups in your area, please give us a call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing with our blog community. Hotlineadvocate_MB Mari,

It is great to hear you are a survivor. It can be very scary to leave, especially when someone is telling you they are going to kill you and your friend; but you took those courageous steps and left. You mention that you are still feeling the emotions from what happened, if you would like a referral for counseling or support groups in your area, please give us a call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.
Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

Hotlineadvocate_MB

]]> By: Mari http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-8-for-frustrated-friends-family/comment-page-1/#comment-9392 Mari Sat, 13 Oct 2012 00:31:50 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=4189#comment-9392 @ Mary Ellen yes I must admit that I had a lot going for me, on the evening I chose to leave I had just returned from training at the Police Academy I was so excited about all the accomplishments I was making even though I was quietly going through the abuse. I remember how happy I was and how I was so ready to leave the marriage simply because everything I was involved in gave me hope as well as confidence, with my strength I built for myself and my children I couldn't imagine anyone taking it from me. So when I look back I realized I did manage to leave because I was so tired of the hurt and my kids crying all the time as they watched their father do the things he did. What gave me more strength as well as sadness is the last night I ever let him hurt me was having my 2 yr old at the time come to my rescue and my oldest son calling the police, it was then I realized it was time to go. I walked away with nothing but myself and my children. So while I must admit starting over has been difficult at times I'm just grateful to god now that my children are happy and I can sleep at night!!! I am working on finishing up my degree in Criminal Justice and hope that one day I can speak to victims of Domestic Violence!!!! I thank all the.people that gave me hope and yes I am a survivor :-) @ Mary Ellen yes I must admit that I had a lot going for me, on the evening I chose to leave I had just returned from training at the Police Academy I was so excited about all the accomplishments I was making even though I was quietly going through the abuse. I remember how happy I was and how I was so ready to leave the marriage simply because everything I was involved in gave me hope as well as confidence, with my strength I built for myself and my children I couldn’t imagine anyone taking it from me. So when I look back I realized I did manage to leave because I was so tired of the hurt and my kids crying all the time as they watched their father do the things he did. What gave me more strength as well as sadness is the last night I ever let him hurt me was having my 2 yr old at the time come to my rescue and my oldest son calling the police, it was then I realized it was time to go. I walked away with nothing but myself and my children. So while I must admit starting over has been difficult at times I’m just grateful to god now that my children are happy and I can sleep at night!!! I am working on finishing up my degree in Criminal Justice and hope that one day I can speak to victims of Domestic Violence!!!! I thank all the.people that gave me hope and yes I am a survivor :-)

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