Comments on: Know the Red Flags of Abuse http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 02:59:10 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 By: Ms Vanilla Rose http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-17383 Ms Vanilla Rose Sun, 24 Feb 2013 22:21:41 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-17383 Mikey wrote: "'10. Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.' Do people really do this? Stuff is just stuff, and I don’t have any pets." Yes. Carol J Adams, for example, has written about how violent men may use the threat of harm against domestic animals in order to manipulate their partners. Maybe there are violent women who also do this. It is still wrong. Mikey wrote:
“’10. Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.’
Do people really do this? Stuff is just stuff, and I don’t have any pets.”

Yes. Carol J Adams, for example, has written about how violent men may use the threat of harm against domestic animals in order to manipulate their partners. Maybe there are violent women who also do this. It is still wrong.

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_RE http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9741 HotlineAdmin_RE Wed, 17 Oct 2012 16:15:24 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9741 Mikey, Thank you for your comment and thoughts on this posting. The list is meant to highlight red flags of abuse that can happen in any relationship, regardless of gender. The Hotline is committed to helping anyone who calls. Relationships live on a spectrum from healthy to abusive. The behaviors outlined in this post are unhealthy. Whether or not these unhealthy behaviors are also abusive depends on the individual's situation. The purpose of this list is to help someone see the red flags for possible abuse. Our goal is never to make assumptions about anyone's relationships. You are the expert of your situation. Only you and your partner can decide what feels right and what doesn't. We're simply here to help if you need us. We strive to help our callers and readers experience healthy relationships and know that they are supported. Please call The Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 if you have any additional questions or would like to talk in more length about what's going on in your situation. HotlineAdmin Mikey,
Thank you for your comment and thoughts on this posting. The list is meant to highlight red flags of abuse that can happen in any relationship, regardless of gender. The Hotline is committed to helping anyone who calls.

Relationships live on a spectrum from healthy to abusive. The behaviors outlined in this post are unhealthy. Whether or not these unhealthy behaviors are also abusive depends on the individual’s situation. The purpose of this list is to help someone see the red flags for possible abuse. Our goal is never to make assumptions about anyone’s relationships. You are the expert of your situation. Only you and your partner can decide what feels right and what doesn’t. We’re simply here to help if you need us.

We strive to help our callers and readers experience healthy relationships and know that they are supported. Please call The Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 if you have any additional questions or would like to talk in more length about what’s going on in your situation.

HotlineAdmin

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_RE http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9339 HotlineAdmin_RE Wed, 10 Oct 2012 22:31:05 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9339 V. Thank you for contacting us. From what you've shared, it sounds like this isn't about your husband dealing with anger issues; this is about him being abusive and controlling. Oftentimes, we mistake angry outbursts from a partner as being an anger management issue. But from what you've shared, he can be calm and collected around other people, but he has outbursts of anger at you. If he doesn't do it around or to other people, that means he's got control over when he choses to get angry. It sounds like these outbursts are part of the abuse. It's not normal for your partner to accuse you of doing things you're not doing or try to control what you do. If you'd like to talk to someone about what's been going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential, and a safe place to talk about it. You don't have to be separated or leaving to be able to talk to someone about options. HotlineAdvocate_RE V.
Thank you for contacting us. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like this isn’t about your husband dealing with anger issues; this is about him being abusive and controlling. Oftentimes, we mistake angry outbursts from a partner as being an anger management issue. But from what you’ve shared, he can be calm and collected around other people, but he has outbursts of anger at you. If he doesn’t do it around or to other people, that means he’s got control over when he choses to get angry. It sounds like these outbursts are part of the abuse. It’s not normal for your partner to accuse you of doing things you’re not doing or try to control what you do. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s been going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential, and a safe place to talk about it. You don’t have to be separated or leaving to be able to talk to someone about options.

HotlineAdvocate_RE

]]> By: Mikey http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9310 Mikey Tue, 09 Oct 2012 15:37:26 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9310 As a man who's relationship has taken a turn for the serious side, let's go through this list together... 1. Embarrassing or putting you down. She calls me an idiot. Often says how she is always right, and how dumb I'm acting. 2. Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you. Sometimes it's smiles. Sometimes its frowns. It's the glares and silent stares that scare me. 3. Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do. She claimed me as her own, wants me to move across the country for her, and get a new job. 4. Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families. She'd rather have me with her family/friends, than with mine. 5. Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses. Well, I don't see her ever giving me any money. 6. Preventing you from making your own decisions. Sure, I'm allowed to make my own decisions. I'm a "grown man". They are just always the wrong ones. 7. Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children. I don't have kids. Next question, please. 8. Preventing you from working or attending school. She doesn't STOP me from going. She does call and check in on me all the time. 9. Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening. If I say anything to question or struggle back against being hurt, I'm the one who is hurting her. 10. Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets. Do people really do this? Stuff is just stuff, and I don't have any pets. Next question. 11. Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons. As a former member of the military, this would be tough to do. Next question. 12. Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you. Do sexy-times count? Seriously though, let the rage come. She's not nearly as strong, and I don't fight back. 13. Attempting to stop you from pressing charges. Would I really press charges against the woman I want to spend my life with? Even if times got rough? Isn't this why they say, "For better or WORSE." Just saying... 14. Threatening to commit suicide because of something you've done. Not an issue. She's far to proud/strong for this tactic. Or..so I believe. It has yet to happen. Next question. 15. Threatening to hurt or kill you. See answer to #11. Repeat. Next question. 16. Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with. I have been threatened with unwanted sexual play. Does that count? 17. Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol. She drinks. I do not. I do not advocate it, I do not like it, I do not approve. She continues to try to get me to go out with her to drink alcohol (which, by the way, is a drug). 18. Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready. Again, I'm a man. Can't get pregnant. I don't think she could, "force", me to NOT use one if I really wanted. Perhaps with a lot of duct tape, rope, and sleeping pills. Now, I have a few questions. 1. Why is this list catered towards women? Is it impossible for a man to be abused in a relationship? 2. Have I described an abusive relationship with my answers? (Just for reference,.. I don't think so.) 3. Well... Apparently, I only had two questions. #1 being the most important one. Perhaps a revised list is in order. After all this is 2012, not 1945. As a man who’s relationship has taken a turn for the serious side, let’s go through this list together…

1. Embarrassing or putting you down.
She calls me an idiot. Often says how she is always right, and how dumb I’m acting.

2. Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you.
Sometimes it’s smiles. Sometimes its frowns. It’s the glares and silent stares that scare me.

3. Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do.
She claimed me as her own, wants me to move across the country for her, and get a new job.

4. Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families.
She’d rather have me with her family/friends, than with mine.

5. Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses.
Well, I don’t see her ever giving me any money.

6. Preventing you from making your own decisions.
Sure, I’m allowed to make my own decisions. I’m a “grown man”. They are just always the wrong ones.

7. Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children.
I don’t have kids. Next question, please.

8. Preventing you from working or attending school.
She doesn’t STOP me from going. She does call and check in on me all the time.

9. Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening.
If I say anything to question or struggle back against being hurt, I’m the one who is hurting her.

10. Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.
Do people really do this? Stuff is just stuff, and I don’t have any pets. Next question.

11. Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons.
As a former member of the military, this would be tough to do. Next question.

12. Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you.
Do sexy-times count? Seriously though, let the rage come. She’s not nearly as strong, and I don’t fight back.

13. Attempting to stop you from pressing charges.
Would I really press charges against the woman I want to spend my life with? Even if times got rough? Isn’t this why they say, “For better or WORSE.” Just saying…

14. Threatening to commit suicide because of something you’ve done.
Not an issue. She’s far to proud/strong for this tactic. Or..so I believe. It has yet to happen. Next question.

15. Threatening to hurt or kill you.
See answer to #11. Repeat. Next question.

16. Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with.
I have been threatened with unwanted sexual play. Does that count?

17. Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
She drinks. I do not. I do not advocate it, I do not like it, I do not approve. She continues to try to get me to go out with her to drink alcohol (which, by the way, is a drug).

18. Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready.
Again, I’m a man. Can’t get pregnant. I don’t think she could, “force”, me to NOT use one if I really wanted. Perhaps with a lot of duct tape, rope, and sleeping pills.

Now, I have a few questions.

1. Why is this list catered towards women? Is it impossible for a man to be abused in a relationship?
2. Have I described an abusive relationship with my answers? (Just for reference,.. I don’t think so.)
3. Well… Apparently, I only had two questions. #1 being the most important one. Perhaps a revised list is in order. After all this is 2012, not 1945.

]]> By: V. http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9309 V. Tue, 09 Oct 2012 15:16:55 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9309 My husband and I are not separated at the moment but he has made it clear that if I leave, I'll get nothing from him. I have called the cops on him before but didn't press charges (he's AD military ). He had to go to mandatory anger management but he still gets angry. I'll looking at grad school right now and he doesn't want me to do it right now because of finances. He is the only one who works but gets mad that I don't have a job yet (I am looking for over a year). I have let him know that I don't trust him but he says that I'm lying,etc. I don't know what to do anymore. Emotionally, I can't trust him and he is calm around others but he has bursts of angers that have no foundation to it. My husband and I are not separated at the moment but he has made it clear that if I leave, I’ll get nothing from him. I have called the cops on him before but didn’t press charges (he’s AD military ). He had to go to mandatory anger management but he still gets angry. I’ll looking at grad school right now and he doesn’t want me to do it right now because of finances. He is the only one who works but gets mad that I don’t have a job yet (I am looking for over a year). I have let him know that I don’t trust him but he says that I’m lying,etc. I don’t know what to do anymore. Emotionally, I can’t trust him and he is calm around others but he has bursts of angers that have no foundation to it.

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_CH http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9175 HotlineAdmin_CH Sun, 30 Sep 2012 01:16:42 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9175 Sally, We went ahead and deleted the comment but please know you can contact the hotline (800-799-7233) any time of day or night, whenever you can get to a safe place to talk. HotlineAdvocate_CH Sally,
We went ahead and deleted the comment but please know you can contact the hotline (800-799-7233) any time of day or night, whenever you can get to a safe place to talk.

HotlineAdvocate_CH

]]> By: sally http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9171 sally Sat, 29 Sep 2012 21:51:53 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9171 Can you please delete my last comment, my story, i am extremely uncomfortable having it posted. thank you. Can you please delete my last comment, my story, i am extremely uncomfortable having it posted. thank you.

]]> By: HotlineAdmin_RE http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9157 HotlineAdmin_RE Thu, 27 Sep 2012 22:51:19 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9157 Gloria, Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It's normal to feel confused when you are going through emotional and verbal abuse. One minute your partner may be nice to you, and the next they can decide to berate you or call you names. It sounds like what you'd like is for your partner to understand how they are harming you and to stop it. You deserve better than this. If he doesn't feel like the abuse is a problem, then it's not very likely to change. I'm glad you found our site useful. If you'd like to talk to someone about what's going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential. HotlineAdvocate_RE Gloria,
Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It’s normal to feel confused when you are going through emotional and verbal abuse. One minute your partner may be nice to you, and the next they can decide to berate you or call you names. It sounds like what you’d like is for your partner to understand how they are harming you and to stop it. You deserve better than this. If he doesn’t feel like the abuse is a problem, then it’s not very likely to change. I’m glad you found our site useful. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential.

HotlineAdvocate_RE

]]> By: Gloria http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9150 Gloria Thu, 27 Sep 2012 07:20:06 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9150 I am so glad I found this site because I am at my breaking point in this push/pull relationship and do not know what to do anymore about this very abusive and controlling relationship I am "stuck" in! I am so confused and feel so alone, I am sure I have already had a mental breakdown and the abuse only gets worse and worse, even after I try and talk to him and let him know I am not well,and he only seems to behave more and more abusive toward me! I am so glad I found this site because I am at my breaking point in this push/pull relationship and do not know what to do anymore about this very abusive and controlling relationship I am “stuck” in! I am so confused and feel so alone, I am sure I have already had a mental breakdown and the abuse only gets worse and worse, even after I try and talk to him and let him know I am not well,and he only seems to behave more and more abusive toward me!

]]> By: Amanda http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-9142 Amanda Wed, 26 Sep 2012 04:15:19 +0000 http://www.thehotline.org/?p=3960#comment-9142 One of my dearest friends is in a very typical abusive relationship. I fear for her and her child. I know all I can do is offer support but I don't feel like that's enough. I've told her how I feel, I've given her ways to get out. I'm afraid she is going to wait until it is to late.. How can I help when I feel so helpless. I don't want her to have to go through this. She use to be such a strong person. How can I show her she still is strong and doesn't deserve this? One of my dearest friends is in a very typical abusive relationship. I fear for her and her child. I know all I can do is offer support but I don’t feel like that’s enough. I’ve told her how I feel, I’ve given her ways to get out. I’m afraid she is going to wait until it is to late.. How can I help when I feel so helpless. I don’t want her to have to go through this. She use to be such a strong person. How can I show her she still is strong and doesn’t deserve this?

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