National Domestic Violence Hotline Blog

Moving On Emotionally After An Abusive Relationship

Your emotional safety is just as important as your physical safety. Dealing with the aftermath of abuse can be a very challenging experience, especially on your mind and heart. The emotional scars of domestic abuse can stay with victims long after they have left the relationship. Following these tips may help you maintain your emotional health after leaving.

  • Identify things that help you calm down — taking a warm bath, reading a book or taking deep breaths can help you de-stress
  • Remind yourself why you left — journaling about your abuse can help you remember the reasons that you left and can be particularly helpful if you’re having second thoughts about leaving
  • Identify a call buddy for when you’re missing your ex — talking to a friend can help you resist the urge to reach out to your ex when you’re down
  • Talk to a counselor or join a domestic abuse survivor’s therapy group
  • Talk to your family or friends — community members and neighbors can also be a good resource
  • When an anniversary, birthday, holiday, etc. is coming up, prepare yourself — try to make other plans, set a strong support group in place to help you through emotional times
  • Give yourself time and space — recovery is hard so go easy on yourself. Don’t put a time limit on getting past your pain. It’s ok to grieve. Even though it was an abusive relationship, it is still a loss. You are allowed to feel what you feel at your pace.
  • Be conscious of your emotional routines — maybe your partner was your go-to person when something went wrong. You’ll have to change not only your physical routines (see previous post) but also your mental routines. You will have to find new coping mechanisms. This may take time but you can do it.

Remember, advocates at The Hotline are always ready to take your call if you need help or support. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or (206) 787-3224 (Video Phone Only for Deaf Callers)

Do you have any tips for recovering emotionally after an abusive relationship?

428 replies
  1. Jan says:

    I find that writing is a helpful way to diminish the sting of PTSD from the on-going effects of a stalker. There is a website for women who want to write poetry about their experience to share and claim what has happened to them. Poetry Victim is the name of this site. I had one of my poems published on it and I have to say that the site gives acknowledgment and credibility to women who suffer in silence.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Jan,

      It can be an emotional roller coaster when dealing with a stalker. If you are currently still dealing with the harassment there is a great website concerning stalking issues: http://www.ncvc.org/src/Main.aspx. It contains help for victims, talks about stalking laws, has numerous resources, and other useful information. I think it is great that you have found a creative outlet for a difficult situation. You can call the hotline 24/7 for guidance on dealing with a stalker or to find counseling in your area, 1-800-799-7233.

      Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

    • Julie says:

      I live in contant fear of ny life I stay cause im scared to leave he has abused me so that I have a heart condition I try to leave he stalks me I have small children from this man and im trapped I need help

      • HotlineAdmin_AS says:

        Julie,

        It sounds likes you’re in a terrifying situation and I hear that you feel trapped. Our Advocates are available by phone 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by chat every day 7am-2am CST, so please know that you can reach out to us anytime that you are safe to talk. We keep all of our conversations confidential and anonymous so that we are a safe place for you to talk about what is going on, and we are here to help with information, figuring out next steps, and safety planning. We can also help you get connected to local resources if you would like.

        We are here when you need us.

        Hotline Advocate AS

  2. Pamela says:

    My name is Pamela and I am a Domestic Violence Surviour. I would like to tell my story to help other women not to go through the same thing that I endured. Domestic Violence is a serious issue. It has lowered my self-esteem I suffer from depression from domestic violence and anxiety attacks. I am not in a domestic violence situation now I got out of it. Thank God! But I still would like to help others men as well as women.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Pamela,

      It is wonderful to hear that you are a survivor. I am sorry that you are having anxiety attacks and are feeling depressed. If you would like to seek counseling in your area an advocate at the hotline would be able to look one up for you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233. Sharing your story with others can be powerful in the healing process. Have you thought about joining a support group, it might be a good starting point for talking about your experience? If you are interested in support groups a hotline advocate can find a local number for that as well. Also, Redbook magazine is looking for survivor stories. You can find further information about this opportunity here, http://www.thehotline.org/2012/04/redbook-is-looking-for-survivor-stories/.

      Thank you for sharing your voice with our blog readers.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

      • Lena says:

        My name is Lena and I am a Domestic Violence Survivor as well. I was just granted a 5 years Restraining Order against my ex-boyfriend.
        I would like to tell my story too to help other women not to go through the same thing that I endured. This emotional abuse lowered my self-esteem so much that I was suffering from depression, and felt absolutely powerless. I probably will still be affected for awhile. I was desperately trying to get out of that toxic relationship for 6 months after 4 months of dating, constantly falling back into his manipulative spider web; and when I finally left him for good, he began stalking and threatening my life. I am still in disbelief that I went through such a nightmare, and horrified of what could have happened if I would not get a restraining order. I wish I knew all the red flags of manipulation and control, I read about now on this website, and the others. I was shocked how precisely one specific website described that toxic dynamic of the relationship I was in:
        http://psychopathsandlove.com/how-can-you-tell-if-youre-being-manipulated/
        It’s like the author was inside of my situation him/herself.
        Thanks God, I was able to get out of this toxic relationship before he completely destroyed me, my soul! I just hope that Restraining order will keep him away, and I will finally have some peace and quiet. Good luck to all of you, fellow survivors! Let’s all be safe out there!

        • HotlineAdmin_MT says:

          Hi Lena,

          Thank you so much for sharing your story. Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize and leaving an abusive relationship can be a scary and difficult choice. It’s great that you’re taking the time to share your experience with others. Thanks also for sharing the website that you found helpful. While there may be some overlap in abusive behavior and the behavior of a psychopath, they are actually two different things, and we certainly wouldn’t label abusive people as psychopaths across the board, but it sounds like that site really clicked for you and your relationship, so I’m glad that you found that.

          We know that emotional healing can be a process, so please know that if you ever need emotional support, we’re here for you 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, and would be more than happy to connect you with the resources you need.

          • Lena says:

            Hello again!

            And thank you for your quick replay! I really appreciate and need it right now – to talk about what happened. I was always a happy and optimistic person. Even my divorce I went through 17 years ago didn’t affect me as much as this. I am still in shock how after 2 months of relationship my “prince charming” would become someone, who diminished and reduced me to the point that all I could do is to lay down on the couch, covering myself with the blanket, cry or stare at the wall. I knew that what is going on is not right, but I felt completely powerless to change things.
            I was desperately trying to get out of this relationship, but was so weak, depressed and vulnerable that he was easily manipulating me into coming back to him. This website I mentioned describes everything so well. I really wish I found it earlier. I am not a mental health specialist. And I certainly don’t want to label my ex a psychopath. But I am sure that something is not right with him, he is not well. And I feel very sorry for him that he can’t put himself together, and keeps ruining his life. It’s probably one of the reasons I was coming back to him. I am very compassionate person. My heart really is too big. And very often I feel that I can help and support anyone, and I forget about myself. So, I was trying to help him as much as I could. And he was using it. Even now after everything he did to me I can’t get angry with him. How can I be angry with a sick person? Maybe I wrong, and he was making me miserable on purpose. I have to protect myself from him, it’s why I took a restraining order. But I can’t get angry with him. I am praying to God to help him to get better.
            Thank you for listening! It really helps. I’ll try to keep a journal as many suggested. Good night!

          • HotlineAdmin_LC says:

            Hi Lena,

            It sounds like you have been really strong and our focusing on your healing process. It can be hard to move forward and you deserve to have the support you need. We are here 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 and reachable from 7am to 2am CST on our chat.

            Take Care,

            Hotline Advocate LC

    • Theodora says:

      I am asking for healing from the abuse the hurt of the abuse I need emotional support I have been battling with depression anger I really need help I want help I have gone through over 20 years of abuse I want help to begin new life my soul is heavy

      • HotlineAdmin_VG says:

        Theodora,

        You deserve to have emotional support and help in recovering from your suffering. It sounds like you have been through a lot for a very long time. Please know that our advocates are here to be a safe place for you to talk about what’s going on, get information about local resources, and brainstorm ways to stay safe. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or via online chat on our website every day from 7am – 2am CST. We keep all conversations confidential and anonymous.

        We’re here when you need us.

        Hotline Advocate

    • Michelle says:

      Hiya Pamela I myself been through domestic abuse im naw in a new relationship and finding it so hard to trust and move on hes a amazing man but he does have a tempa if I don’t trust or say something stupid but he’d never harm me as he is completely different and try’s to build my confidence I just find it so hard to not get scared when he’s upset I feel like its my fault and I become depressed and ill I just don’t know how to get over that feeling and learn to trust him like i should because he treats me so well im always looking for something and I don’t know why. X

      • HotlineAdmin_LC says:

        Hi Michelle,

        Healing from abuse can take time and make navigating a new relationship difficult. Emotional scars from the past abuse may make it confusing about what is going on in your current relationship. No matter what you always deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship. If you have any concerns about healing from the abuse or your current relationship you are more than welcomed to reach out to an advocate. We are here 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 and reachable from 7am to 2am CST on our chat services.

        Take Care,

        Hotline Advocate LC

  3. Lana says:

    Jan I like to journal also. It helps me to write down how I am feeling. I have completed several journals, even threw many away. When I wonder if I have done the right thing, I look back at my old entries and tell myself, remember the fear you lived under? Yes, I am a survivor, and I thank God every day that I wake up, free from the tyranny, and humilitation that I used to leave under. I was a victim of emotional, financial, sexual, and spiritual abuse. Many feel this type of abuse is not that bad, they say “at least he didn’t hit you.” Abuse hurts in all forms, physical or not, it’s all abuse.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Lana,

      It is wonderful to hear the words of a survivor. I am glad that you are journaling; I believe that it can be a powerful tool in the healing process. You are right that any form of abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, or economical) hurts. Thank you for sharing your voice with our blog.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

    • Judy says:

      The “at least he didn’t hit you”, is one insidious trap! Emotional abuse is as hard to prove as is rape.

    • Faye says:

      Lana,
      OMG! Your unfortunately mirrored mine! Although, he did strike me once, and promised never to do it again. Which he didn’t, but he only substituted the hit with ALL of the other abuses that you’ve mentioned! I agree, IT’S ALL THE SAME! I couldn’t breath, I felt like I literally had a chain around my neck which he totally CONTROLLED! He has tried to get back with me several times, which at times I believed his manipulative ways. But I finally managed to not listen to him and stay away from his for good! My life is so much happier WITHOUT him in it!!!:) I’M A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR!

      • Lisa says:

        I am proud of all of you!!!!!! I to am a survivor of domestic abuse and on the 3rd time I left for good. Keep up your soul searching and GODSPEED.
        Again,
        Thank you for reading:)

        Lisa

        • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

          Lisa,

          Thank you so much for providing our readers with those beautiful words of encouragement. It is truly appreciated. We know that, on average, it takes a person 7-10 times to leave before they leave for the last time. Thank you for sharing your experience.

          I removed some content per our community guidelines, please click on the link if you have any questions around this.

          HotlineAdvocate_SG

    • Heather says:

      Lana,
      Thank you for mentioning journaling. I think I will try that, I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 17 years. It is hard to get past all of the negative things said and done to me. What you wrote about what you experienced sounds so much like my life. Even after two and a half years out of the relationship I can still hear all of the things he said.

  4. Megan says:

    I am just coming to this website for the first time. I never thought I was considered a victim. I was not the women on the movies or tv that was bruised and hiding her other life. I didn’t realize the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse I experienced until after we separated and the physical abuse and control began. The think abuse comes in so many forms and until stepped outside of “my world” I didn’t realize how abused I was in several forms. No one deserves to feel the pain about themselves and at no point is it healthy for a women to be scared of a man’s words or actions.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Megan,

      Unfortunately abuse comes in many forms: verbal, controlling, emotional, and physical. Sometimes it takes being away from the manipulation and control to clear one’s mind and understand what was actually happening in the relationship. Love does not equal fear. Your right, no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. It sounds like you are no longer with the person who was hurting you, but if you have questions or need further guidance and support, you can contact an advocate 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

      Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  5. Ruthi aka abitosunshine says:

    Great tips for moving along emotionally after an abusive relationship. I would add a cautionary tip: Do not seek involvement in a relationship for a long while. Learn to live with love, trust, and respect with self, first. If you get lonely–get a dog for a companion.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Ruthi,

      Thank you for the positive words to our blog readers. A pet can definitely be wonderful for the healing process. Take care.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

    • kristin says:

      I began dating my best friend and I love him very much I did not realize until 3 months after my abusive relationship ended that I was a victim of emotional and mental abuse I am completely in love with a man that I am with now unfortunately some of my old habits and coping methods are coming back for example my boyfriend is away and I got drunk and I slept with another man the guilt that I feel it can be overwhelming but I also know and realize now that I should have stayed single I don’t know how to tell the man that I love that I need to be single for awhile or maybe that’s not what I need because it seems that being single in making decisions on my own just continue to put me into compromising circumstances I believe that I can move forward and move on because I’m not in love with my husband of 6 years to abuse me mentally and emotionally but I do not know how to explain to my current boyfriend the issues I’m having with my relationship from the past and how I need to get help maybe while he’s away I will get help and hopefully when he comes back I will be able to be in this relationship 100 percent my ex husband put me through emotional and mental abuse wanting me to have sex with other men wanting to me to be a swinger wish I did not do but I forfeited a lot of my morals and begin using alcohol and drugs and I’m the pain I am now in alcohol and drug counseling and I have a4 year old daughter who I think is the world I guess the first step is realizing what is going on inside of me and getting help thank you everyone for this website because until I came across this website tonight I did not realize how much help there was out there and I did not realize the feelings that I had and I was not alone. how do you get over the shame in the gills of putting up with the abused for so long and evening playing into some of it? My new boyfriend is very amazing he has issues of his own but they are not abusive or manipulate manipulating all he wants is to love me and my daughter and have a family how can I pass out on this opportunity but I slept with another person I think and I’m out the pain it’s what I’ve always doneI believe this is some sort off self destruction meet me be part of myself does not believe that I deserve to be loved in fact I’m truthfully afraid I do not know howoov love whole heartedly. I was faithful to my husband for 5years I jumped at the chance to to get out of the house when my sick exhusband decided he wanted me to sleep with othrr emen. I finally after a year of going along with his sexual exploitation, got out . my current boyfriend wants nothing but the best for me. I never thought in a million years i would drink Nd have a onr night stand but in way im glad it happened while he is gone because i can now identify the truth about how much my abusive marriage effected me and i can get help.

      • HotlineAdmin_AS says:

        Hello Kristin,

        We are so glad that you’ve found our blog and found the community to be so supportive and inspiring. It can be so hard to feel alone, especially when you’re working through so much. I can hear how much you’re hurting from the choices your ex-husband made and the way he treated you. You have every right to make the decisions about your life, and your body, and no one should take that right away from you. It sounds like your marriage affected you in profoundly hurtful ways, and it takes a lot of courage to realize that you want to get help to heal. It’s normal to need time to process what you went through, and to understand exactly how it affected you. The healing process is a journey, and it’s different for everyone.

        There are resources out there – programs and people who want to help, including the Joyful Heart Foundation. Please know that we’re also here to provide support, as well as information about programs in your area anytime you’d like to talk. All of our calls are confidential and anonymous, and advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

        We’re here for you.

        Hotline Advocate AS

  6. tracie says:

    it is a very serious issue for i have been assaulted by the same man 2 x now after forgiving him the first time , he contacted me after 3 years and said this and that ,,,, in the meantime after i found out he was alsow ith another woman at the same time and others ,,,, he is 38 very handsome and manipulative but a very dark evil side ,,, his pupils turned pure black when he assaulted me ,, i try to remind myself ,, that because i took himback , it doesnt say that i deserved it, ,,, !!!!im tired of our justice system and probation officers who have zero schooling and teachings on this topic ,, and continue to stand up for him and tell me hes the victim,,, part of my depression and feelings of despair ptsd, svere flashbacks and nightmares is the people in our justice sysytem like his lawer and the crown ,,, i had no proper representation and the judge gave him 7 months for cracking my jaw and throwing me out of my vehicle on to to the on coming traffic, at 3 am,,,,, he also made death threats to cause death ” yep all for me so they charged him with that 2… he got 7 months a n 3 years probation,,, i had to move in to saftey housing when he got out of jail,,, but yet hes allowed to do what he wants he can drink and do whatever ,, a abuser program and angermangenmt isnt enuf for what he has done to me ,, i will be disbled mentally for the rest of my life because …. i forgave him the first time …….. i nderstand what u are all going through,, i suufffer every day,,, not one day goes by and im not looking over my shoulder for he is not out,,,,, ,,, oh and that judge threw out the assault charge ,, why ? ill never know … the judge seemed more concerend that my ex had already spent time in jail and he fiogured cause i was so combative in the court when i testified against him,, that i was just mad that he and i werent together anymore,,, ??? he convinced everyone that day that ” we never a couple ” can u believe that one !!!!he acted like he dont know me and they believed him and he made me look like i was crazy…….. so i understand !!!!!!these men should be instatutionalized for a longgggggggggggggggggtime.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Tracie,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with our Share Your Voice blog community. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your ex partner was really abusive to you. Oftentimes, an abuser will use the court system to further abuse their ex by manipulating the judge or denying that any abuse even happened. It’s normal to feel upset or angry when this is happening. You mentioned that you are dealing with PTSD and depression, which are really common when you’ve been through trauma. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, or to find local resources for victims/survivors of abuse, you are welcome to call us here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7, and are competely anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  7. tracie says:

    i agreeee,,, i couldnt even thin top be with another man “” no way ” i cant even look at one they scare me and make me sick !!!!!!!

  8. Lisa says:

    I’m going through counselling at the moment. It’s really helping but I still cry a lot and feel all sorts of emotions. Is there a place online where people have published their stories?

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Lisa,

      I am glad to hear that you are seeing a professional counselor to help you at this time. The healing process is different for everyone, please try to be kind to yourself as you work through the emotional trauma you survived. You may have already noticed that our website http://www.thehotline.org has many stories from women still in the relationship or that are survivors; also, http://www.cafemom.com has an online support group for those that are or have been in an abusive relationship. If you would like to connect with a support group locally you can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.
      Here are a couple of books, I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of a Battered Woman by Michele Weldon and It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock, that may be helpful.
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice Blog.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  9. Di says:

    I’m leaving under domestic abuse as emotional, psychological, financial, and I also have a son with this person. I just started to get info. about what to do, how to get out. I’m just so afraid of taking any wrong step as he has told me several time he’ll go to hell to find me and take my son away. I wish that getting a protective order was easier as we work together, in the house and I’m not allowed to go many places.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Di,
      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with our blog community. It takes a lot of courage to decide to reach out for help. If you are considering leaving an abusive partner, it is really important to take any steps you can to do it in the safest way possible. That may mean doing your research or anything related to that on a safe computer that your partner doesn’t have access to. Document everything, whether it’s threatening texts, emails, or voicemails; save them in a safe place. The internet may not be the safest way to communicate about these things. If you get a safe opportunity, I would really encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and advocates on the Hotline could safety plan with you about how to leave safely. We can also look for local domestic violence programs that may be able to help.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  10. Al says:

    I’m scared of my husband. He is very mean to me and my little girl. He yells and swears at us.He spank her and tell her to do as he says. She is to little to defend herself. Everything must be done his way if not his way he will threaten us.I always must consult what to do like i cannot make my decisions on my own. I worked i had to give up my jobs cause of him (we have 2 children different age and they go to different schools. it means one of us must be watching them ) and now he always remind me that He is one who pay the bills and if he give a tiny pocket money he will remind me that he gave it to me i must thankful and do as he says. And if i need money even for my women things i must tell him for what. One time he got very angry and because i remind him that i was one who helped him survive through his job loss and asked quit tell me what to do and remind me that you pay bills. I said to him if you not appreciate that people done for you …he said that was in the past. Don”t talk abt past. and after all he got so angry that he threaten to hurt me and send me in the hospital. I said that i will divorce him. But I’m scared to leave him/. I’m an immigrant. I have no family here and nowhere to go. I daughter of preschool age and no job. I ‘m living with my husband like that. I’ m tired of that. Now he is gone out of town i have peace. But still fell anxious cause he will be back tomorrow. i need some advice ….I want to be strong to overcome manipulations, he always blame everything on me even something he did in the past. Everything my fault!! That he cannot make enough to pay bills. He would rather make girls ride bikes in the rain then loose opportunity to make money. Money for him more important than family.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Al,

      It takes a lot of courage to reach out and voice what is happening to you. The threat to hurt you and put you in the hospital is very serious. You do not deserve to be treated with hurtful words and threats of violence. It is common for an abusvie partner to manipulate the situation and blame everything on you. It is part of the need to have power and control over you. Even though you are not a documented resident, you have rights. If you can find a way to call us safely, we are here 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. An advocate would be able to offer you guidance and support, as well as, numbers for local resources such as shelter, legal advocacy, and counseling.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  11. lynn says:

    I’m 24 years old and in a relationship for 2 years now. We have a 6 month old
    Baby boy.. since I have been pregnant until now I have been hit on atleast 15 different
    Occasions for nothing!! It started out with him throwing things at me to throwing me against
    The wall to slapping and scratching.. now its gotten out of control. He hits me with our son in
    My arms and slams me on the floor…kicksme! Things like if I dont remember where we parked or
    If I like today cleaned the whole house up.. took care of
    our animals and of course keeping up with the baby! and as soon as he got home asking him whait he wanted for dinner.
    He wanted left overs but I wanted to cook because there were not enough left overs for the both of us so he jumped at me saying he is not coming home to this shit..I was dumbfounded why he would say that because I bend over backwards to show him we appreciate him working and letting me stay home. He makes remarks about how he pays for everything.
    And acts like I should be so thankful when he buys me stuff like clothes I need after having a baby but yet he does not want me to have a job!! It has only happened about once a month sometimes less sometimes more. Am i doing something wrong? I have been dating since 15 and never been hit before. I admit that when he hits me..I hit/kick back but I never did before..I have never hit anyone in my life until about the 5th time he hit me I started to do it back. It’s changed me. I’m not me.. I don’t see anyone or hang out i used to be so confident and happy..now I hate myself. I hate myself for hitting back and I’m just not as fun as I used to be. I know I’m hitting back out of self defense but he tries to put blame on me and say I hit him but he has always came after me first! So scared and don’t know what to do.I know my son needs his dad but I can’t let him grow up around this!

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Lynn,

      Wow! It sounds like you are in a very scary environment. You are not doing anything to warrant being physically and verbally hurt. You could change yourself in a million different ways to try to appease him and stop the abuse; but it will not make a difference, because it isn’t you that is causing him to be abusive, even though he might try to make you believe it is all your fault.He is making the choice to hit and yell at you rather than treat you with love and kindness. You do not deserve to be hit, ever. It sounds like you are hitting back because you are angry and frustrated from the abuse. There is a difference between hitting someone out of control and power and hitting out of defense. You are right to be concerned for your son, because children as young as one can be impacted by an abusive household.

      I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure it took a lot of courage to contact us and verbalize what is happening. Please give us a call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for further guidance and support. An advocate will be able to help you explore your options and give you referrals in your area.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  12. Grace says:

    I am a new immigrant in US coming from an Asian country. My husband petitioned me & my daughter (4 yrs old) & we are now staying with him as permanent resident after 4 years of being separated from each other. I have no work & is a full time mom to our daughter.

    I admit that me & my husband are not in good terms brought about by the long separation, lack of good communication, lies & mutual differences.

    Almost 3 weeks ago, for the nth time I questioned him regarding frequent calls & communication with a fellow Asian girl who happened to be his office mate (my husband is also an Asian). He was very defensive & accused me of being jealous for nothing. Actually, it’s not jealousy but since he already had a history of lies I have a hard time trusting him again. Besides, his gestures already changed he became distant, cold & disrespectful.

    Last June 7 around 2pm after a long silence I asked him if we have no Internet or did he turned it off…he told me that he would even get my phone cut so I questioned him why coz its my only way of communicating with my relatives. Until we reached the point of me leaving but he threatened me that I could not bring my daughter with me. I was so mad & approached him and he slap me in the face which my daughter saw. He threatened me that if ever I leave with my daughter he will file a kidnapping case against me.

    I am helpless I love my daughter very much. I had high paying job in my Asian country which I gave up because I want to unite my family but I don’t like the way I am being treated. I have no plans of causing trouble with the father of my daughter but since I am new here consider me ignorant with your law. I just want to know my rights & gain friends to lift my spirit and be able to make better decision for me & my daughter. Or better yet avoid being threatened again & know my rights just in case I go back to our country with my daughter.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Grace,

      It is common for an abusive partner to use the threat of kidnapping to keep you from leaving him. He does not have the right to control you or hit you. It sounds like he cut off the Internet and the threat to cut off your phone to isolate you away from your family; and to show you he has the power and control. You do have rights. We are not legal advocates but can get you some phone numbers to legal counsel. You can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for the numbers, and also, guidance and support.

      Thank you for contacting The Share Your Voice Blog.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  13. Stacey says:

    I was in your place not to long ago. Thankfully I have family 600 miles away from my sons father. I moved after dealing with the Abuse for two years. I applied for financial aid and went to college. I got so many grants that I was able to buy a cheap car. You can even live at college with children! If y’all are not married and have no legal custody issues through court move! Far away! It will never change. I tried four years later to make it work with my sons father. Long story short 3 weeks later the abuse started all over again, so I moved back home. you and your children deserve the best. I still deal with the abuse. I have panic attacks and anxiety but I am planning on working with someone to help get over it. Again, please leave!

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Stacey,

      This is such a powerful story! It’s good to hear that you were able to get out safely both times. Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community!

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

    • Faye says:

      Stacy,
      I’m so happy I came across your story! Because my abuser still contacts me and have been trying to persuade me to get back together with him. He is so damn manipulative and have in the past convinced me to give him another try! And it ALWAYS backfired on me when I went back! But NO MORE!!!! I get anxiety and very nervous every time he tries to contact me and want to get back with me. By the way his abuse also effected my daughter in a MAJOR WAY! Thank God she isn’t his child, but if you left it up to him he had everyone thinking she was! Ugh!I know I need some counseling and a support group to start to heal! And NEVER look back!

  14. Grace says:

    Thanks for responding. I just want to know if i will be charged for calling the number you gave me since I am jobless right now. Besides, I don’t want to call the attention of my husband while doing this so he could not do something against me or my daughter.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Grace,

      Thank you for your question and for sharing a part of your story with our blog community. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is a toll free number @ 1-800-799-7233. However, the number may show up on phone bill and if you are using a cell phone it might use minutes to call (it all depends on your phone provider.) If you are concerned about either of these things, you may want to call us from a friend’s phone, a pay phone, a library or store phone or other public phone. You will not have to pay to call us from a pay phone.
      You might also consider having one of your relatives call us on your behalf. A Hotline Advocate could talk with them and provide them information and resources as well.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  15. stacey says:

    I was in an abusive realationship for two years. This was a few years ago. I still have panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Why cant I move on? Is there free help to help cope? I always feel sad and alone. but I dont want to leave my house to hang out with friends. What can I do to feel better?

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Stacey,

      What you are experiencing is common for abuse survivors. Reaching out for help takes courage, so thank you for posting here in our Share Your Voice Blog community. If you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-7233 a Hotline Advocate can talk with you about what you are experiencing and offer suggestions on coping skills and self care ideas. You may also find counseling helpful in coping with everything you’ve been through. A Hotline Advocate can also see what resources might be in your area, as many times local domestic violence agencies offer counseling or support groups for free or a very low cost.

      The Hotline is available 24/7 for support.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  16. deb m. says:

    Are there cases documented of women being murdered by a partner that wasn’t physically abusive?
    Just emotionally or verbally? I’ve heard of the case of Washington, DC sniper and suspected the Lacie Peterson case. Any others?, or was I crazy to be terrified for my life with an emotional abuser? Seems to me that none of the wives in the news murdered lately have been known to be beaten. But our friends think I make it all up. Of course he’s the typical “abusive at home/charmer outside” type. My husband would refuse to talk for up to a week and i could see the anger continue to burn that whole time. I was aways tense, you’d never know what could cause another episode. Is it just his game or is there real danger?

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Deb,

      Emotional and verbal abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Anyone who is abusive, whether it’s emotionally, verbally or physically, is dangerous. Listening to your instincts is very important since unfortunately there is no way to know for sure what someone who is abusive is capable of. Often people outside of the relationship have a hard time understanding what is going on inside of the relationship, especially because abusers can be so charming.

      Remember that you do deserve support! You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-7233. A Hotline Advocate can talk with you about your specific situation and offer support, resources and safety planning.

      Thank you for sharing with The Share Your Voice Blog community,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  17. jennifer says:

    You said you are suffering from depression and anxiety. I was assaulted by my boyfriend (i was separated from my husband). We dated for 2 years. Anyway he went crazy one night and well the rest is history. He got off with a year probation. Anyway at first I was just missing him thats crazy I know. But now i am having severe dpression and anxiety on top of the fact I want to punish him in a million ways. This happened 9 months ago but I simply cant get over it.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Jennifer,

      Thanks for sharing your story with our blog community. You have every right to be angry about what happened to you! Sometimes it is helpful to find healthy outlets for the emotions you’re experiencing, like journaling or working out. Every person is different, so the key is finding what is most helpful for you. Remember that healing from abuse takes time. The same as a body has to heal physically; it also has to heal emotionally. If you are interested in support groups or counseling in your area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and an Advocate can see what may be available in your local area. An Advocate can also offer emotional support as you continue on your healing journey.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  18. jen G says:

    Dear Tracie and to the person who replied to Tracie’s blog,

    Thank you for sharing such a painful experience. Today is my first day on this site -I wasn’t goinf to write yet, but your words hit home. I have been married for 6 years to a very emotionally -and on about 3 occassions, physically – abusive man. I identified with what you said about not realIzing until after you left, how throughly he abused you. I haven’t left yet, but I did once for a month 2 years ago . I was doing so much better at work , people noticed, my son was happier, etc. But, I went back. Literally the first night I came home, he picked a fight, shoved me next to the stairs,
    threatened my son by getting in his face , etc. I vowed to keep track of alll the ways he hurt me, my kids, made our lives worse, until I could get us a place to stay.
    Then, he asks nice . I forget. Or he cusses me out in front of the kids , demands that I leave, next dAy, he demand that I stop “sulking” or being a “bitch.” and more days, sometimes weeks go by. I fill journals full of things he’s done and said. now, there are so many layers and he doesn’t explode as much, but I feel censored in my actions, that I know he’s messed up my confidence, but I find myself believing his side . The one where he says I’m on the rag or a c**t and he does everything for this family. Everyone knows it, he says.
    So, I don’t realize how deeply he’s messed me up.
    The other thing you wrote which touched me is about going to court and the judge siding with his lies. I want to get a divorce, but he lies all the time and comes across so calm when he is not raging at me , that I just can’t bear the thought of defending myself against his lies! It should be easy for me-he’s been convicted of spousal abuse already (1st wife) , has a DUI, and the DA almost pressed charges for me earlier this year when I called the cops. And, I write everything down, I’m an elementary teacher and have never had any trouble with the law.

  19. Stacey says:

    Thank you! I will try and call. I feel at home and at work as though I am an actress having to portra a happy normal person. I will gather the strength and call because I can’t keep living like this.

  20. Isabelle says:

    Writing about it definitely helped me. I was married for more than five years to an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive man. I kept a journal of the abuse during the marraige and year after I left him I created a blog to tell my story. It was very cathartic. I still have to deal him and I still write everything down in a journal to track it should I need some ammunition in the future, and I periodically update the blog with his bad behavior. Keeping the journal and seeing just how bad it was and sometimes stil is always solidfies my decision to get out and stay out. I honestly don’t know how else I could have started the healing process.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Isabelle,
      Thank you for sharing your experience with the Share Your Voice blog community. Stories of triumph can be very powerful for victims to hear. Proof that it is possible to get through such a terrible ordeal and come out stronger on the other side. We also agree that writing down and/or talking about your experiences can be very healing and we encourage all of our callers to do so. Keep sharing your story and encouraging others to break free.

      Take Care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  21. kelly says:

    I agree with you I have never considered myself a victim, for some reason I have minimized the abuse, which I also wouldn’t have called myself abused. I am home safe but I think back to what I endured and how stress and anxiety it caused. Educating myself about domestic violence has given me peace. I was also in an addictive relationship, I would follow this guy around like a puppy most days. I cannot believe after all of that this week after I unblocked him from my chat and have honestly had fantasies of “what if…. he stops drinking? or we ever meet again? WHAT???? I knew I could no longer handle this within my myself and needed to reach out today. I blocked him again and promise i will not unblock him! After I read this http://www.psychotherapy-center.com/love_addiction.html I KNEW IT WAS A NEGATIVE TRAP I WAS IN and it was time to talk to someone.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Kelly,

      Thank you for sharing your story on our Share Your Voice Blog community. In an abusive relationship it is not the victims vault. Abusive people are focused on manipulating the victim to get power and control. Abusive people typically do this through a pattern of behavior which influences the victim’s response. More about this can be read at the website: http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/what-is-domestic-violence/ Abusive relationships can cause stress and anxiety because of the abuse and trauma a victim is put through. If you would like support about what you have been through you may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime, 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. An advocate can talk with you about your story and may also be able to provide you with local resources if needed.

      Thanks,
      HotlineAdvocate_SS

    • Stacey says:

      Kelly,

      Your message mirrors my experience. I’m just now leaving an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. The abuse started slowly and gradually became worse and worse over the three years of our relationship. It was always worst when he was drunk or hungover. It seemed like the worse things became, the more I tried to adjust my behavior to make him happy. Despite everything, it got to the point where all I could think about was being with him, to the point I neglected all else. “Codependency” at its finest. It’s finally to the point where I am very worried about my and my kids’ well-being and am determined to make a change. Hoping time helps….

  22. sarah says:

    I am in an abusive relationship, have been now for 23 years …….. today we separated again for the thousandth time, what I fear most is that I will go back to him. I’ve tried many strategies to keep strong but nothing has worked………. I just had an idea and thought it may help… is there or could u start an online chat room open 24/7 for women to talk to other women, purely for people to get strength from each other.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Sarah,

      Thank you for sharing your idea in our Share Your Voice Blog community. Unfortunately the National Domestic Violence Hotline does not have an online chat room capability at this time, but Advocates are available by phone 24/7 @ 1800-799-7233. You may call and talk with an advocate anytime that you need support. Advocates may also be able to locate support groups in your area if you feel like that would be helpful as well. Many survivors find support groups helpful for some of the same reasons that you mentioned. If you are a parent you might also consider checking out cafemom.com as they have internet groups on many different topics.

      Thank you again for your suggestion,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  23. Holly says:

    I am inspired by the stories. thank you all for sharing. it gives me hope to know that so many have gone through what I am going through and so many have found happiness and peace in life after. I recently got out of an abusive relationship and hopefully he will get the hint and finally leave me alone. I am so tired of living with the stalking behavior. The only way he can get to me now is through e-mail since I up and moved houses and jobs and he has now been escorted out of my place of work… he doesn’t come there anymore. I will spare you all the story, as I know that i am a strong woman and am making all the right steps…. but I am really having a tough time emotionally. My confidence and self esteem has suffered and I feel so isolated now because I moved and everything. I would love to find a support group or something. I wish I had insurance so I could get some counseling, but I can’t afford it right now. I called the national hotline and the couple numbers they gave me were for shelters and because I am not in the shelter, they don’t provide services. Does anyone have any other ideas on how I can find some support in my area. I really feel like I need to talk to someone and maybe join a group to make some new friends or something who can relate. I am focused on moving forward, but doing it alone is getting hard. I appreciate any suggestions.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Holly,

      Thank you for commenting in our Share Your Voice Blog community. You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline back at any time and let the advocate who answers know that the previous resources given didn’t work out for you and why. An advocate may be able to see if there is something in your area better suited to what you need. Advocates are also there to offer emotional support whenever you need it. Additionally, sometimes local shelters will know of support groups in the area or therapists who run low cost or free support groups. You may also consider calling 2-1-1 to find out if there is any type of free or low cost insurance plan offered in your county. Depending on where you live that may be an option. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get out of an abusive relationship and you deserve support as you move forward.

      Thank you again for sharing,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  24. Eh says:

    At thismoment of time I believe being in the abusive realationship I am in now is causing me to have axiety attacks and depression, it’s been 5 long years with the ups and downs. One minute he’s find and I think that we can get pass this but then it just happens all over again. i Never know when he’s going to fly off the handle for something stupid and start to verbully absive me and physically at times.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Eh,

      Thank you for sharing a part of your story with our Share Your Voice Blog community. It sounds like you are in a scary situation. Often people who are experiencing domestic violence will say that they feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” all of the time. You are right; abuse can sometimes cause anxiety and depression. You deserve better than how you are being treated and you deserve to be happy. Know that you may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and resources anytime, 24/7 @ 1-800-799-7233.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  25. Di says:

    I’m very frustrated that every time I contact an agency for help I have to tell my story. Even if I contact the same one, I have to go thru the whole thing over and over again. I’m ready to get out but I need help with a safety plan. I have a 4yr old and I want this to be as less traumatic as possible to him. I can’t always use my cell phone as we both work from home. I need help getting out!

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Di,

      It can be very difficult to have to continually retell your story. There are some general safety planning tips available at: http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/ and also at: http://womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=3. You may also contact the Hotline anytime that you are able to, whether that’s from a public store, doctor’s office or a place that you feel is safe. Hotline Advocates are available 24/7 @ 1-800-799-7233 and can help you develop a safety plan specific to your situation. However, because the Hotline is confidential and annoyomous you would have to retell your story each time you call, but please remember that it is your story to tell and that you are welcome to share as much or as little as you feel is appropriate.

      Thank you for sharing with our Share Your Voice Blog community,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  26. Peggy says:

    Leaving an abusive relationship after 13 years is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I finally left 2 weeks ago. I am a young 52 years, but I feel so old. Maybe this will help one person save herself.
    When my husband is “good”, he’s the best. When he is “bad”, he is the worst person I have ever known. I remarried this person after a divorce and countless promises 6 years ago, only for it to get increasingly more abusive. I have yet to see a promise honored, or the abuse stop. Verbal, emotional, financial, physical, you name it and I’ve experienced it. All at once or singularly. Daily, monthly, hourly…when you least expect it. But mainly when you think things are going so good. I’m always shocked by the timing and intesity. The pain and heartache. The sadness and shame.
    I am an intelligent, capable, articulate, attractive lady, that feels so much shame for allowing myself to return and stay so long with this abusive, destructive, manipulative man. My children are grown so that is not my excuse. He likes to say he is better than me and that he knows my weaknesses. My husband plays the sympathy, feel sorry for me card. He plays on my lack of self-esteem, my fear and guilt, and the fact that his childhood wasn’t perfect. Like somehow it was my fault. He knows I take my marriage vows seriously, and he uses that. I start feeling like a failure, again. Not wanting to be a failure is a very strong emotion in women like me. Failure means I’m not good enough, by my husbands standards. When that doesn’t work or I try to leave, then comes the violence or threat of violence. Lack of financial freedom, job, or fear of the unknown can be emtionally crippling. Knowing you shouldn’t allow anyone to treat you so horrible and disrespectful, makes all the inner turmoil you feel even more confusing. After a period of time you are “conditioned” and find it easier to overlook all the signs and warnings. I told myself I could handle it, that I had survived it before. It is easier to numb yourself to the hurt and disappointment than to acknowledge what is really happening. The humiliation can be unbearable. The fear of loss paralyzing. Free yourself by loving yourself again. Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself you are loved. By God, by you, by others in your life. It is a start, and you have to start somewhere.
    The following helped me to see things in a different light: A scientist put frog #1 in a pan of hot water and the frog immediatly jumped out because it was unatural and uncomfortable. Not the right enviroment. He then put frog #2 in a pan of lukewarm water and the frog remained in the water, because it was tolerable. The scientist gradually increased the heat of the water and the frog adapted to the changing temperature over a period of time, until the water boiled and killed the frog. It may seem extreme but it’s the same with prolonged abuse. It doesn’t get better. You cannot trust the person that is abusing you. They lie for their own power over you. Control gives them a sense of empowerment, and they are not comfortable with it being any other way. Walk away any way you can. Gather all your inner strength, your voice and the survivor skills God gave you. It may well be the hardest thing you will ever do but it will also be the most respectful and empowering thing you will ever do. I have had 2 counseling sessions. I cry, I hurt, I feel alone, and I’m scared just like everyone else. But I refuse to give the time I have left on this earth to a man that is so disrespectful and abusive. I don’t want to be with anyone that steals my power to empower themselves. Freedom to live and be myself is power enough. Right now.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Peggy,

      The frog analogy is a great analogy for how abusive people work to get power and control in a relationship. Thank you for sharing it. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get out of your abusive relationship. Abusers are unfortunately often great manipulators and it sounds like you experienced a lot of abuse and manipulation in the past 13 years. Leaving an abusive relationship can take a great deal of strength and courage and I am glad that you were able to get out safely. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time but it sounds like you have taken the steps to start your healing journey. It’s wonderful that you have already found a counselor to support you. You are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 as well if you’d like to talk to an advocate for support about what you have been through. Advocates are available 24/7.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice Blog community.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

    • Shana says:

      I wanted to let Peggy know that her words have inspired me. I thought for so many years I was alone and I was afraid to speak out for fear of what others might think about me. I am 43 years old and have been married to an abusive man for 14 years we have two children together ages 12 and 14 I am educated and come from a large proud southern family . I called 911 on Tuesday because my husband threated my life. I was afraid I have been afraid for many years but I prayed for strength when I made the 911 call and God answered my prayers he was asked by police officers to leave and I filed a temporary restraining order. I have to go to court on Thursday and I am afraid the restraining order will be lifted I write this to any one who reads it that you are not alone, I had lost hope I told my sister that if anything happens to me to let the police know it was my husband. I had given up all hope that I could get out. But now I have hope again. Your analogy with the frogs helped me more than you know. Once again thank you, I am so proud of you and everyone who has survived

      • HotlineAdmin_MK says:

        Shana,

        I am so happy to hear that you are safe and were able to reach out for help in your situation. I know you are concerned about your upcoming court date. You are not alone. Some local domestic violence organizations sometimes are able to assist with legal advocacy or court accompaniment. You are welcome to call us any time and we can search and inquire if those services are available in your area. Our number is 1-800-799-7233 and we are here 24-7 to support you. Again it is truly great to hear that you did not give up hope and found strength to reach out for help.

        Hotline Advocate MK

      • TERRI says:

        Peggy,
        your frog example is God Sent for me, Thank You so much for taking the time to share it!! I am leaving for the hoping last time out of a very verbally abusive man. we have been together for 14 years, lets just say I have been with him for 14 years he has been everywhere.. when he is good he is great but that’s only 1 hour out of 24.
        he always finds a way to keep me there or make me come back with his im sorry, I will change, I know im stupid, I have a big mouth when im mad, you know I didn’t mean it, I don’t know how to love, I had a bad childhood and no good examples to follow, teach me and I will learn to be better, what about our baby he needs his dad and family together!!!! So now I have decided to move in with my parents with my 3 year old son, this is hard for me because I am 44 years old, but I know he will not and can not get to me at my parents house so its my best option to move on. I still want him to be a dad to our 3 year old. he is a good father to him and my son loves him. he is a toxic relationship for me and the frog example hit home and is sooooo true, thank you.

  27. Peggy says:

    Di,
    I too had a hard time getting the help I needed. When I called the closest Hotline I was told they didn’t cover my area. I told the lady I was real glad I wasn’t calling the Suicide Hotline.
    My best friend went to her gyno appointment and she gave her a couple of numbers for local help that was very discreet. It was a domestic violence counselor that helped me. I called her for advice and I now go to her for therapy. It helped me just knowing I could go there if needed. You might call a doctors office for women and see if they have any telephone numbers or organizations that can help you or look under the yellow pages for domestic violence counselor where you live and ask for advice.
    Be safe and I pray for you to get help.

  28. catherine says:

    Living through what you have experienced is incredibly difficult and my heart goes out to you. But first and foremost you must forgive yourself for making the mistake of accepting this man back in your life and allowing him to hurt you again. All of us who have lived through these kinds of abuse have made the mistake of loving the wrong people too much. And these types of men can be very attractive, kind, generous and appealing when they choose to be but yes they all have that evil underside that you mentioned that does inevitably surface. But the biggest mistake we women make is not loving ourselves enough to recognize that the first time we see this side of them should be the very last time we allow them in our lives. We should run like hell and teach our daughters to do the same. We do not deserve such treatment. Forgive yourself, love yourself and don’t let what has happened to you diminish who you are and what you can become. Embrace your freedom and your new stronger self. I wish you the best!!

  29. catherine says:

    Your words are like a flashback of my life, marriage and situation. After 22 years I walked away with my 12 yr old daughter and have never looked back. The thing that finally convinced me to leave was when he started attacking my spirituality and faith. I then realized that instead of praying for resolution and healing of a marriage that was more hell than anything else, I prayed for strength to leave. I have never felt such peace and tranquility as when I finally got away from all that drama. Good luck to you in the future!!!

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Catherine,

      Thank you for sharing your words of encouragement with others in our Share Your Voice Blog community. I’m glad to hear that you are safely out of your abusive relationship. It sounds like you went through a lot and I’m glad to hear you have found some peace and tranquility! Know that you are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you’d like to talk to an advocate at any time for support about what you have been through. We are always available, 24/7.

      Thanks again,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  30. Cindy says:

    I really so deeply appreciate this post. Especially where it said, “Your emotional safety is jut as important as your physical safety.”…His tactics on me were emotional, verbal, and extreme body language…Sometimes, like now, when I am feeling so alone, and at an extremity financially ($800.00 per month in unemployment), I wonder if I could go back, and just keep to a separate room, and just ‘be’ in my home. I left my husband 5 years ago, and have been in counseling that entire time. I know now that my husband was very violent with my children, but hid it from me…I had no idea the level of violence going on behind closed doors. Two of my children (now grown, who told me their stories 5 years ago) said that they did not expect to live to grow up. They were like, “Mom!! Where were you????!!!” I know now that I had dissociated. I was walking around, but going severely in an out of ‘consciousness’ – some part of me knew that something terribly, terribly frightening was going on, but I just could not connect the dots. He never hit me, only intimidated me with ‘don’t interfere, or else…’ I knew if I intervened he would take it out on them…now that I am ‘awake’ and ‘present’ I have taken responsibility for how my conscious and unconscious choices had such a profoundly devastating effect on them. I am now reconciled with all but one of the 4 kids…at this point, being 60, and right now on unemployment, it is so hard to grasp I am really alone. I am really on my own. I have PTSD which makes works sometimes profoundly challenging. Some days, I just long to ‘go home’ to my house (not to him) – I miss the emotional connections to the tiny treasures of a lifetime…the hand prints from kindergarten, pictures, their toys I saved for grandchildren, inheritance furniture from my mom…all beyond my reach. *sigh* it is such a comfort to have found this site. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here….

  31. Cindy says:

    I was looking for quotes on domestic violence to help me stay grounded in this most recent stage of renewed fear that I cannot make it on my own. These were my favorites – I hope they will encourage others:

    Emotional and verbal abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Anyone who is abusive, whether it’s emotionally, verbally or physically, is dangerous. Nat’l Domestic Violence website

    Staying safe is just as important after leaving as during the relationship…Trust your instincts — you know yourself and your situation better than anyone, do what you think is best. Nat’l Domestic Violence website

    Your emotional safety is just as important as your physical safety. Following these tips may help you maintain your emotional health after leaving. [I abbreviated the list to the top 3 most meaningful to me.]

    Remind yourself why you left — journaling about your abuse can help you remember the reasons that you left and can be particularly helpful if you’re having second thoughts about leaving

    Call a friend when you’re missing home — talking to a friend can help you resist the urge to reach out to him when you’re down

    Give yourself time and space — recovery is hard so go easy on yourself. Don’t put a time limit on getting past your pain. It’s ok to grieve. Even though it was an abusive relationship, it is still a loss. You are allowed to feel what you feel at your pace. Gavin De Becker

    In relationships there are just some things that are just drop-dead deal-breakers. They’re just deal breakers. Drug addiction. Alcoholism. Mental, physical, verbal abuse. Those are deal-breakers. You don’t stay in a relationship in that situation. And you don’t return to a relationship in that situation unless and until an independent, objective, trained professional tells you it is safe to do so. That you can predict that this is going to be different than it was before. Dr Phil

    Here’s to finding the strength and courage we need to walk forward away from the abuse.

  32. Jenny J says:

    Hi tracie my name is Jen-first time on this site and after two hours of reading all these different women talk about their personal experience it all was pretty much the same basic statement. Which I get it-its what ties us all together,right? This is actually my first time ive said a word about it to anyone out loud, I appreciate the honesty chic- the whole court thing and him bein the F#@$! saint of all saints and Im the crazy one- I am sooo sorry that i met someone thats had to endure this side of things when they have everyone completely snowed its the worst feeling a woman’s soul can endure because it never ends noone believes you, your the only one that was there him so its funny that people can disect your soul in a court room full of people that have never met you and yet our LAW allows them to pass judgement in 30 minutes of trying to defend myself still from my abuser-like his head wasnt big enough?now he gets to humiliate you out in the open!!!! AAAAGGHHHHH!!I better stop i am gettin worked up-and if it helps darlin, I believe you! and now i can believe myself again-that im not crazy, we’re NOT crazy there abusers we were their prey and Karma has a little catchin up but just keep your head you know in your heart the real truth/ everything he did to you he gets back times three! sorry i rambled on everyone-I had no idea I wasnt alone/ i am a survivor of child abuse,molestation,mental abuse & cruised right into it with my first love & the four men since! so if anyone out there needs comfort or anything please dont hesitate

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Jenny,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It’s not uncommon for someone who is abusive to appear one way to family members and friends, and to be completely different within their relationship. It makes it really difficult as a victim of abuse to be believed when you’re sharing what you’ve been through. Everything you’ve shared sounds like your ex was really manipulative and emotionally abusive. You’re right; you’re not crazy for thinking that this is wrong. And you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel angry and confused when you’ve been through abuse like this. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s been going on, you are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential. Also, an advocate on the Hotline could look for local resources for support if that’s something you’d be interested in.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  33. Sally says:

    Im 23 years old and have been in an abusive relationship for 2 years now. After having my lip split multiple times and my hand and wrist broke I have now decided to fight back. Unfortunately for me I’m less then half his size and he can easily over power me. I dropped out of college and have completely changed who I am as a person since I’ve met him. I used to be the happiest person that you would of ever met, had tons of friends had a genuine love for life and everyone and always saw the good in people…..now alls I see is the bad I don’t believe there’s any good left in the world. Sadly he’s not just physically abusive. He is; mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Yet I stay with him for some reason, I’ve grown to hate myself and see me as he does now: Im worthless, pathetic, ugly, nasty and the c word which I wont put on here. I would never let my worst enemy go thru what I am rights now. I have been offered every way out possible that there is yet I take none of them. I stay in this abusive relationship and try everything possible to make him love me. I hate myself anymore……how do I get the strength to leave him even though I love him? Please someone give me advice I am afraid that eventually I’ll be getting rushed to the er and my parents will be told sorry she didn’t make it.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Sally,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. It takes a lot of strength to reach out and share what you’ve been going through. No one deserves to be abused like this. You’ve had someone tell you over and over that it’s your fault or that you deserve it, and you don’t. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your partner is abusive in every way. It is normal to blame yourself because you haven’t left, but we know that it’s not always that easy. You care about this person. They may have even promised before that they would be different or that they would not hurt you again. But you don’t deserve this. I have a lot of concerns for your safety. It is completely up to you what you want to do, but if you decide to stay in this relationship, how can you stay safe in the meantime? Are there times when you can tell that things are getting escalated, and maybe have a plan for those times? You are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, and talk to an advocate about what’s going on. We are not here to make any decisions for you or to tell you what to do, but an advocate on the Hotline definitely understands the confusion and pain you’re going through and could talk to you about it. Call us any time that you have a safe chance.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  34. Cindy says:

    Hi Sally,

    My heart goes out to you – It is so, so, so hard to leave when you love him. I relate – deeply. Good job taking care of you, by reaching out and posting this part of your story. Your presence matters in this world. You are not alone… stay safe

  35. HotlineAdmin_RE says:

    Cindy,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. We hope that our readers find this is a place to be able to share words of encouragement and experiences with each other. It sounds like you’ve been able to move forward and start to heal from the abuse that you went through. We know that it takes time, and that talking about it can help. It’s normal to feel lost and lonely when you are ending a relationship. You are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you’d like to talk to someone. We are available at 1-800-799-7233, and are 24/7. Also, if you’d like, an advocate on the Hotline could look for local programs that offer domestic violence support groups in your area.

    Thanks
    HotlineAdvocate_RE

  36. Cindy says:

    Thank you, RE ~ your words are a comfort and a source of solace. I feel less alone ~ and knowing those of you being advocates on this blog understand the dynamics and processes is like finding a touch-stone of stability – like an anchor when the winds are blowing and the waves get so high. Thank you.

  37. rita says:

    i have been in relationship with this man for 6 years . i have cut all contact with him had to block number change cell phone number still calls from payphones and makes threats the first 3 years was great then moved from Chattanooga tn to Marion il cause my mother had cancer after we got there he had to share his time with my 2 boys and grand-kids and other family members would long before the pushing and hitting began after few years of this i get a call it was his wife of 28 years i knew nothing about not only that few months later got another call from another girl friend of 1 year she to was being treated the same way i was jealous of family and friends i still love this man and am trying to move on he wouldn’t allow me to work or even have a car even with him living in Chattanooga i was in Murray Ky at this time moved there figure that if i didn’t live so close to family that we could maybe work things out but no even got worse he has got me in public and yell and told men that if they wanted a whore here i was dragging me over to them even gets worse i am now trying to find job and get on my feet but he still makes his threats and if he finds me with someone else he is gonna beat the crap out of both of us so i havn’t gonna out with anyone else don’t want to cause harm to anyone nor myself what do you think i should do please help!!!

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Rita,
      Thank you for reaching out to the Share Your Voice blog. It takes a lot of courage to share your story and talk about what you’ve been through. You have the right to end the relationship if you want to. It sounds like your ex was very emotionally and verbally abusive towards you, and is so controlling that he won’t leave you alone. Have you thought about getting a protective order at this point? What he’s doing may be considered harassment, depending on what your state’s law is regarding abuse and domestic violence. I would encourage you to document everything at this point, and to not respond to him in any way, even if it’s to tell him to stop. You are always welcome to contact us here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline talk in more detail about what’s going on. We are available 24 hours a day, and are completely anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline could talk to you about local services for help and also safety plan with you about dealing with your ex.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  38. Lori says:

    I am a domestic violence survivor. I am currently being treated for PTSD because of this. I have physical issues from the abuse that I will have to live with the rest of my life. It has greatly affected my children as well. What hurts me the most is when I hear people talk about abuse (they have no idea I’m a survivor). They say I wouldn’t put up with it or why do they just get out. The truth is there is not a lot of financial help for survivors and it is very difficult to get out of. I wish there were more programs to assist victims. Sure you can get counselling, but what about the other stuff.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Lori,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. You are right, for someone who is in an abusive relationship, it’s not always easy to just leave or call the police. There are a lot of different reasons why someone may stay in that situation. A lot of programs these days have had their funding cut, and what we know is that oftentimes there may be more demand for resources, than there are resources to fill those. I’m glad to hear that you are safely out of the abusive relationship, and that you are getting some help to deal with the trauma you’ve been through. If you ever need someone to talk to, you are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential. We definitely understand that it takes time and support to heal from abuse. Thank you for sharing your story.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  39. Audra says:

    I have fallen victim to the legal system that is very corrupt. My children are caught up in the middle of a civil case that somehow another is to be heard both in the Juvinile Domestic Relations court and the Circuit Court – simply because the lawyers want to make money – I basically told my lawyer I no longer needed his services today – as he was charging $50 per phone call and email – in regards to cases that were put on the docket to be heard then cancelled. I am going through my second summer with my kids with him – not being able to call since June 15th – as their dad has recieved text and phone messages to have them call me. Last summer it was four weeks before he would let me speak to them – I can’t tell you how much has been spent but I am no longer going to be a victim of this nonsense. Does anyone have any good websites I could go to in order to retain a really good lawyer at low fees – I do not qualify for legal aid – due to the fact I own my home. I refuse to take loans out against the home as this could be a trap for financial abuse – all I want is justice — served upon a man who continues not to speak to me unless it involves his attorney – at a fee – (Really????) My ex has narcissistic tendancies – I want to move on with my life and have the kids emotional needs met – my youngest is nine and actually wrote out what he wanted this summer – court mahem has yet to impress me as he is now hoping I will pick him up tommorow as he wrote on the calendar and the so called Guardian et Litem agreed to he needed more time with me this summer including those wishes — where is the justice – we have yet to go to court as conveniently enough both lawyers made tons of money on cases that were cancelled —- ADVICE PLEASE – I am taking the “Erin Brockovich” approach to this whole situation – not giving up – is anyone out there with me?????? I have decided attorneys fees will now be college fund fees. It is ridiculous what has been spent thus far.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Audra,

      Thank you for sharing in our blog community. It is clear from your post how much you care about your children. While we can’t give specific legal advice, you may consider looking at the following websites for ideas and support: wwww.womenslaw.org and http://www.custodyprepformoms.org/index.php. You might also consider contacting local domestic violence shelters in your specific area and asking if they know of good custody lawyers who have helped other victims. If you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 an advocate can look up local domestic violence agency referrals for you and also talk with you more specifically about your situation and may be able to suggest additional ideas and resources.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  40. Helen says:

    The fact that every article on domestic violence emphasizes repeatedly than men can be victims of women too is really misleading and is giving a lot of abusers the opportunity to beat the living daylights out of terrified pregnant women who are physically weaker than them, and then pretend to be the victim while calmly cooly talking to undereducated police officers. Meanwhile the woman is crying hysterically not knowing if the baby she tried to protect is alive or dead. It happened to me, and to the DV advocate I talked to too. Apparently as soon as arrest in DV cases becomes mandatory in a state, the number of women arrested jumps 800%. But almost all of those cases are dropped when they are determined to be self-defense. But they will try to trick you into pleading guilty at the arraignment. It’s not just a waste of taxpayer money but a total shame. Especially when the husband has a long history of violent crime like mine did and I never got so much as a traffic ticket. Now he has control of my pets which he has abused and all my stuff he likes to destroy to torture me. He’s just loving his new powers, and loving that he finally “got me back” for calling the police on him years ago when he hit me. If I break the no-contact order to save my pets or for any other reason then he can do anything he wants to me without consequence.

    Homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women. Even men who never previously abused can bcome physical when a woman becomes pregnant. Up to 25% of pregnant women experience abuse physical or verbal. It doesn’t equate: a crying pregnant woman who called the police for HELP + a cool, collected man w/ defensive wounds DOES NOT EQUAL A MALE VICITM. I’m sure in gay relationships there are male victims. I’m sure there are SOME male victims of women; just like there are SOME polydactyl albino hermaphrodites with tails…it’s just rare as all hell. VERY VERY VERY RARE!!!

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Helen,

      Thank you for commenting in our Share Your Voice Blog Community. Your post was edited to remove your last name. From what you shared it certainly sounds like you have been through a great deal and did not get the support that you deserved from the police or the court system. Yes, you are correct that men who have never been physically abusive before can become so when a woman becomes pregnant. And yes, you are also correct that there are more female victims than male victims; statistically 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in their life, as will 1 in 9 men. You deserve help and support and if you would like to talk about what you have been through, you may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-7233. Advocates are available to offer support and may also be able to connect you with additional resources to assist you.

      Thank you again for sharing a part of your story with our Blog Community,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  41. Holly says:

    Sally,

    You can do this. I can totally relate to your comments and how you feel. Your feelings are valid honey. They always are. One thing that has really helped me is to realize that I have blamed “him” for not taking care of me and stayed angry at “him” for it, when truly I was most angry at myself for not taking better care of ME. That gave me much strength in taking all the actions necessary to get away. You can’t do much about the feelings, they will come and go. But you CAN take actions that are align with taking great care of yourself. I repeat over and over to myself when I feel weak…”There are no victims, only volunteers”. You cannot do anything to change him and make him be any different. How he is, IS HIS PROBLEM. But you can stop volunteering to be around to take the abuse. When I feel sad and weak, I simply tell myself… Nope, I will not volunteer for abuse anymore. Each day, I regain trust in myself and self esteem. You CAN heal your relationship with yourself, rather than try to heal your relationship with him. When you do this, your self hate dimishes. You start to heal. And start to feel better about yourself because you will finally be treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

    Is it easy? Not everyday. I wish it was. But you CAN do it. And I promise that it will get easier. And you will find the love in yourself that you are so seeking from him. I wish that I could leave my number or something for you to contact me, cause I can be your cheerleader. Just know.. YOU DESERVE better. And you gotta start by giving it to yourself.

    The day I realized, “i wouldn’t even have a friend like this in my life, let alone a lover” was a freeing day. It is like a cold bucket of water to the face when you think of it like that. Ask yourself, “if anyone else treated me like this….would I ever talk to them again?” And let that fuel your choices.

    Just know that you are VALUABLE. You are a beautiful soul who should be cherished and held softly in someones heart.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Holly,

      Thank you for showing your support for our Share Your Voice bloggers. Everyone finds their strength to move forward from an abusive relationship in their own way. It sounds like you found a mantra that works for you, but might not work for others. Nobody deserves to be hurt, whether verbally, emotionally, or physically. You are right that a batterer has a choice in how he treats his partner; he can choose to treat her with love and kindness or with abuse. Each victim of abuse has his/her own way of deciding when enough is enough.

      I am glad you found the courage to leave your relationship. It seems you have found a way to heal that works for you.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

    • kat says:

      thank you holly for your words of wisdom, that last sentence struck more emotion and courage in me than any quote iv ever heard. so i took my lipstick and wrote on my bathroom mirror: you are valuable. you are a beautiful soul who deserves to be cherished and held softly in someones heart. i took a picture of it and sent it to my former abuser who i only left a day ago with a little text saying: i will repeat this to myself anytime i find myself missing you, because my heart is stronger than your words and your fists and i wont let you hurt me any longer. so thank you a million to all you ladies. your stories are inspirational and im sure help thousands of other people and i know because of your stories, ill make it through this.

  42. deb says:

    I understand your pain all too well and can relate to taking him back, convinced he changed. I took my boyfriend back after he spent 18 mo in jail for brutally attacking me. He convinced me that it was drug and alcohol abuse and blackouts that caused his numerous and last near fatal attack on me. I saw him remain sober and he moved in with me…Then the drugs/alcohol use began and like you I have PTSD which causes me to be on heightened alert if I feel his mood change sober or not. I didn’t escape the pressure he was building as he was telling everyone I don’t let him do anything, I am 100 percent against drug use. I am not disabled as he is and I have a job I love as the assistant director of a rehabilitation program. I tried real hard to help him, did everything in my power to give him a nice life without demanding anything from him aside from sobriety. In the past 6 months I had to call the police because he scared me and once they are here you have to tell or you will be left in real harms way so he got arrested in December and I again took him back however that was worse because he wouldn’t let it go even when I said I would retract my statement and not testify. The tension was building and he left several times in this period for days however he was building his own story. Telling everyone its too hard to live with me ect and secretly calls me saying why aren’t you asking me to come back? So again I give in and the court date nears and I am on heightened alert. Three weeks ago he had a friend over and he was drinking vodka so I went to bed putting my bureau in front of the door thinking I would be safe…He busted in and attacked me and because his phone rang and my door to the lower level locks opposite and I hid my second phone on me I was able to dial 911. I realize the insanity of my taking him back it just hurts to give so much love and wonder why doesn’t he love me? He is back in jail ? how long. I had to file a harassment charge on his brother recently as well for calls and vulgar text msg. I have the space now to feel my own emotions and did an exercise with my therapist on how many times did he scare you in the past 2 yrs…25 that didn’t take me long to figure out thats once a month. It is serious as you say and I wish you safety and wellness.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Deb,

      You have gone through so much. It is normal for a caring and compassionate person to want to help someone with substance abuse issues even if they realize that they are being hurt by that individual. He is abusive and having substance abuse issues is not an excuse to harm you, ever. It sounds like you were walking on eggshells and changing who you are to keep him from having explosive moments against you. It is normal to want to keep the hurtful moments at bay, but as you saw, no matter how much you changed yourself, he still found a reason to hurt you. He is being very manipulative in telling you how much he misses you and wanting to be back together with you.

      I am glad you are working with a therapist as you heal. If you ever need further support and guidance you can call The Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.
      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  43. Ngoc says:

    Hi all,
    My name is Ngoc. My husband sponsered me to come here 7years, and now I got 2 kids.
    I stay at home take care of kids. My husband told me when the kids go to kindergarten, i will go to school, but now my kids go to kindergarten, he breaks his promise. He told me i go to school he does not pay money, i have to work and help him pay car and bils.
    He told me in this country doesn;t need knowlege.

    He keeps saying he is so busy, so he cannot apply me to be US citizen and he doesn’t give me money go anywhere help me nad buy something.
    He doesn’t allow me drive kids go anywhere, only drive to school and go home. That ‘s it.

    Is it abuse?

    Thanks

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Ngoc,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your husband is abusive in your relationship. It’s very controlling for him to not allow you to have access to money, or to even go somewhere that you want to go after you drop your kids off at school. I can understand why you would be disappointed at not being able to achieve your goal of going to school here. It also sounds like he’s also using your immigration status as another way to maintain control in this relationship. The internet may not always be the safest way to talk about these things, so when you get a safe chance, I would encourage you to call and talk with someone here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are a safe, anonymous and confidential hotline, who talks to people dealing with abuse in their relationships. We are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. An advocate on the Hotline could talk to you in more depth about abuse, and maybe also about a couple of options for getting some support.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  44. m says:

    Hi. My situation is complicated. But, I know every person’s situation is. My husband has rages where he gets so angry. He has not physically touched me in anger but he has yelled at me, called me a bitch, etc. We have a son and he can rage at him. At the end of the day I don’t want to go home. I get this sinking feeling. He witholds sex, love, and affection. He got so mad once that he told our little one something so hurtful. I can’t imagine saying that. The other night at family dinner I was talking and he yelled at me and told me to shut up at the table. He has put holes in walls at our home, holes through windows, and holes through windshields. I told him I wanted to leave once and he said if I did he would kill him self and that that would be on me. The complication is that he has a diagnosed mental health issue- he is bipolar. He says that is why he acts the way he does and he can’t help it. How can I act if someone can’t have a say in their actions.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      M,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It takes a lot of courage to talk about abuse like this and to reach out for help. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your husband is very abusive, verbally and emotionally. It does not matter if he is not putting his hands on you, he is still doing really scary, aggressive things that make you feel unsafe. It’s not normal for someone to punch holes in the wall or to break things when they get upset. There is a lot of manipulation and blaming going on as well. One really common threat that we hear abusers make is to harm themselves if you ever try to leave. It’s very manipulative and is likely just said to keep you there and to keep you from trying to leave again. I also wanted to you know that no matter what mental health diagnosis he has, he never has the right to treat you, or your son, like this. His bipolar behavior may exacerbate the abuse, but it does not excuse it. There are plenty of people out there who are bipolar, yet whom do not chose to abuse their partner. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are always welcome to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential, and are a safe place to talk about it.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  45. young victim says:

    i need some one to talk to. somebody who has been where i am now and who can just help me figure out which way to go.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Hi,
      You are always welcome to call and talk with someone here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-SAFE. We are anonymous and confidential and could definitely talk to you about what’s going on in your situation.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  46. Kendra says:

    Pamela, I have been with my boyfriend for a year now I am 23 years old and we live together. Nothing has ever gotten physical but there have been many times where he has yelled at me and thrown this at me or across the room. I have started to finally realize that something might be wrong, I have no self confidence, my relatonship with my parents has been not so much ruined but its changed and I barely have any friends every time im on the phone he thinks its another guy. He tells me he can talk to me however he wants and last night he got mad because I walked in from work and he wanted me to go get something out of the car and i didnt do it quick enough so he started freaking out. Whenever we try to talk he doesnt listen to me he just says ok cool get the F away from me but when he wants to talk he makes me listen he says he doesnt want to hear about my day or anything going on because all he can hear is me complaining even when its just me saying how my day was at work. Last night he threw beer cans (full) across the living room and started punching things and got in my face because i was on the phone with my cousin so i called the police but they couldnt do anything because he didnt hit me. He makes me feel like everythings my fault and says if i didnt make him mad he wouldnt yell I dont know what to do anymore I feel lost and afraid but the police said even though its my home because he has lived with me for the past few months I cannot kick him out so what do i do!?

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Kendra,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your voice blog community. From what you’ve shared, it definitely sounds like there is abuse in your rlelationship. Abuse is about having power and control, and there are many abusive behaviors your boyfriend uses to maintain that control. He is always making you feel like you are responsible for this abuse or that you’ve somehow caused it, but you haven’t. He is chosing to treat you this way. It’s not normal for him to throw things around the house or to yell at you if he doesn’t like something. That must be so scary to have to see him acting out like that. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. One option if you’d like to find a safe way to have him have to leave your home, may be to look in to getting a protective order. It depends on what your state’s law is regarding domestic violence and protective orders, but a good place to start looking for information on that option would be to check out womenslaw.org. Also, document everything. Find a safe place where you can keep pictures of things he has destroyed, or holes he’s punched in the wall, in case you need them. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are always available and are completely anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline could talk to you about local resources for help, or just be there if you’d like some space to share what’s been going on.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  47. deb says:

    Kendra, My boyfriend lived with me in my home for two years as well. I don’t know what state you live in however I asked that same question and if you fear him and the police have been involved get those reports. The police should have offered him an alternate place for him to go on those times you called because it is so dangerous after you call the police and to be left with him resenting that. My story is in here as well and the advice to keep him away from your home is a restraining order then you may need to seek advice from the probate court. Do not tell your boyfriend anything you are planning even if you think he will listen. They are very convincing and manipulative. If he is throwing things and scaring you the police should have charged him if they saw evidence upon their arrival. In May my boyfriend was summons to court after I called them due to him throwing a glass across the kitchen in a fit of unprovoked rage. Not that we provoke their rage. He was not here when they arrived however they called him and let him know that they were issuing a summons as throwing the glass which was evident…there was glass everywhere…is an assault putting me in fear. They also asked him not to come home that night or he would be arressted if I called them again. I would go to the court and see a victim advocate a.s.a.p tension builds and is very dangerous. Best to you…stay strong. Value your life and safety you are worth it.

  48. Dawn says:

    Hi…first time on here avid looking over verbal abuse. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and the last few months have been bad abs I’m not sure if this is consider verbal abuse. We’ve been arguing a lot and everything is my fault and I’m told I ruin everything, I’m never on time. When he is upset I have to listen to him and he blames everyone else for his problems. And when he is mad at me he tells me I’m trash, he hates me, I’m fat and I’m butch. Today he spit in my face because I was getting out of the car and he started to pull away playing around and I jump into the car just playing with him and hit him in the face by mistake and before I could say I was sorry he spite all over me. I became upset and he then call me some names I prefer not to say..he has never hit me but I don’t know what to do…please help me

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Dawn,

      Thank you for sharing a part of your story with our Share Your Voice Blog community. What you are describing does sound like abuse. There are many types of abuse; including verbal, emotional, financial physical and sexual. It’s never okay for someone to call you names and spit on you, especially someone who claims that they care about or love you. He is choosing to treat you this way and it is not okay. You deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect. If you would like to talk about your situation you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-7233. Advocates there can offer support and also help you locate local resources for counseling and shelter if you are interested in those as well. The Hotline is confidential and anonymous.
      Thanks again for sharing in our blog community,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  49. Laura says:

    I spent over 9 years in abusive relationship but never saw myself as a victim until I was out of it. We meet when I was 17 and a few months later I was pregnant. The verbal abuse started then, thankfully he never hit me while I was pregnant. Once our son was born he started to physically abuse me often, in front of our son and even while I was holding him. He would throw things at me, shove me up against the wall leaving bruises on my arms, throw me onto the bed, restrain me in painful ways so he could scream in my face, he even slapped me once. But because I didn’t have black eyes I didn’t think of it as domestic violence. I called the police once but refused to press charges once they were there. He always promised that it would never happen again and said if I didn’t make him angry then he wouldn’t act like that. He said he has never acted like that before, so it was my fault.
    We I got pregnant again, the abuse stopped and I thought that it was for good. I was proud that I had made it through that and truly thought that he would never do it again. But once our daughter was about 2, it did. Not as severely, but it did. He used illeagl drugs, abused perscription drugs, drank and was diagnosed as Bipolar. I did finally get a restraining order after he hurt me a few years later but I let it expire. He would threaten me, hurt me, and spent 9 years beraiting me and calling me names. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to have sex and if I didn’t, he wouldn’t let me go back to sleep until I did. He punched holes in the walls and would stay up until 3-4am slamming doors and yelling. He was very “rough” with our son, but never abused him.
    I finally got the courage and strength to leave him. Unfourtunatley, he is so manipulative that he has convinced the courts AND our children that I am trying to take the kids away and never let him see them again. The courts did give me primary custody but allow him to have the kids everyday until 6 when I then have to go pick them up. He has convinced that court that I am the one with a temper. He has been to jail 2x for drug related incedences, has several felony convictions, is on probation, got arrested with our children present for drugs, has abused me (and admitted to it on tape), and I have had a restraing order but none of that matters. The court feels that he is a “good enough” father to get joint custody and it makes me so angry. He is still controlling me with the kids and the courts. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to move on and heal when he is still able to treat me like he does. He will never be out of my life because we have children together and I feel helpless. I thought after leaving I would feel empowered, and I did for a little bit, but I don’t now. I feel just as stuck and helpless and worthless as I did living in that situation. I do realize that I was a victim of domestic violence but no longer want to be a victim. I just wish I knew how to move on.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Laura,

      It sounds like you have worked very hard to get out of an abusive relationship and that takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage. It also sounds like you are in the process of moving on but he is trying to prevent that by continuing to try to abuse you through court system. I can understand that you must be very frustrated after you worked so hard to get out of the relationship and are not getting the support you deserve. You are always welcome to call and talk with someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE. The Hotline is anonymous and confidential and an advocate could talk to you more about what’s going on in your situation and also see if there are any local resources that might be able to offer support.

      Thank you for sharing a part of your story with our Share Your Voice Blog community,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  50. deb says:

    Laura,
    You re no longer a victim, you broke the silence and got out! You are not stuck he is. If he is using your children thats the abuse cycle that he continues to feel empowered by however you remain empowered by the fact that you stood up to take your life back and for your children. You are an inspiration to many of us by getting out…you are not a victim, you are a survivor. Stay well.

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Deb,

      Thank you for taking the time to post in our blog community and support other members.

      The Hotline is available 24/7 if you ever need support around domestic violence @ 1-800-799-7233.

      Thanks again for posting in our Share Your Voice Blog community,

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  51. c5 says:

    Hello, first time on this site. I am the same, did not realize how abusive my x husband of 12 years. Only 3 times did he physcially abuse me, but the verbal and emotional was daily. I am very depressed and dealing with the divorce and dealing with so many lies.. I feel the courts don’t believe me and he has gotten away with so many lies. This gets me so stressed and the anxiety. I also have never been in trouble with law. Just a couple of weeks ago he got arrested for grabbing me by the neck.(this is the first time he has done something in front of the kids) . My fear that he is just going to get away with this. I am so far from moving on but want to so bad. I don’t like what he has done to me and how I view myself.. I do need to talk with other women who have been through this and have moved on and our in a happier place. Where I want to be.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      C5,
      I am so happy that you contacted the Share Your Voice Blog. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help. Most communities in the United States do have domestic violence programs that offer free counseling and many also hold support groups. I think you are totally correct- sharing your experiences and processing your emotions with other women who have triumphed through such adversity is very healing and usually necessary. Please feel free to contact the hotline any time 24/7 (800-799-7233) to find out what resources are in your area.

      Good luck and take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  52. Ana says:

    Hi my name is Ana and this is my first time on this site and first time ever talking about my relationship. i have gone through so much with my bf of 4 years. We have gotten in fights and it does not end up pretty. I’m a very sensitive person and specially with someone that i love. It’s hurtful to look back and see how blind i got. I don’t want to say that it’s domestic violence because it sounds so wrong, and im embarassed to admit that i am dumb enough to keep giving him more chances. He has hurt me emotionally and physically. I know it is not healthy to be in this relationship but its a scary feeling. I guess the only reason why i’m still in the relationship is because i still have some hope that it will change. What i need is someone to talk to. Someone that is going through the same thing as me so i can know how to deal with this. I am ready to move on but im afraid he’s not!!

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Ana,
      I am so glad that you have contacted the Share Your Voice blog to share your story. Being in an abusive relationship can be very confusing, scary, and complicated. But I can tell you- what you are feeling in normal. It is so important to talk about what is happening with someone familiar with domestic violence so that you can figure out exactly what your options are. Advocates at the hotline are standing by 24/7 (800-799-7233) to offer you support and a compationate listening ear. In addition, we can give you numbers to programs in your area that offer free counseling and support groups. You are not alone.

      Take Care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  53. Grace says:

    Hi, my name is Grace and I just finished reading ” If I’m Missing or Dead.” I could not put it down for three days.

    I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My husband is an undercutting bully. He’s also a closet alcoholic and sneaks pot now and then.

    I would like for him to leave – but I cannot handle the mortgage and utilities on my own right now. Also he owns a small cottage that would be perfect for him to live in – but he has a renter living there now.

    He’s away camping with friends. He will drive from the campsite drunk and stoned – but don’t say anything about that, for that will create such an emotional explosion harbored in guilt and shame. I wish I knew when he would be coming home. I’d ask the police to pull him over for a DUI.

    I don’t miss him. And even though the weather has been hellish, I’ve had 4 glorious, peaceful, scream free days without him. He will come home tomorrow, unload the car, and flop on the couch and sleep until 2:00am. He’ll come to bed and wake me up and won’t care about that either.

    We have not had sex in over a year.

    I wish I could get him out of here.

    The house is in my name because I was a first time homeowner and I got a tax break a few years ago. I never bothered to put his name on the lease. It seems that as soon as the vows were said, he transformed. I tell my closest friend that Satan and his red cape, cloven hooves and breath of sulphur – is but a fairytale image of evil. But true hell on earth is living with the simmering and seething anger and bullying of my husband.

    Thank you for listening.

    Grace

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Grace,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice blog community. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive in your relationship. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Some of your concerns sound like they may be legal-related, and so it may be beneficial for you to talk with a lawyer, and see what’s within your legal options. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, and about what local domestic violence programs are in your area, you are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are always available and are anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  54. Cailin says:

    Hello

    I’m the brother of a domestic violence victim, I wish to report it but I live in a different stated. I fear for my sister well being. she lives in Houston TX with my nieces and nephew. I feel she is afraid to do anything to prevent further abuse.

    can you please help me. How can I report this, is there a # for Harris county Houston TX ?

    thank you

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Cailin,
      I am so sorry to hear what is going on within your family. Unfortunately, unless the children are being abused, the adult victim must report the abuse themselves. These situations can be very difficult for families. Please know that you are always welcome to call our hotline @ 800-799-7233 (24/7) to talk about your questions and concerns.

      Good luck,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  55. Jacquelyn says:

    Thank you for the tips… I recently got out of a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship… I feel so sad right now and alone, but I know that it’s over and I can work on me now, I would like to join a group and seek counseling, but I don’t have insurance to do so. Is there any help I can get that doesn’t drain my finances? I am a single mom of two with no child support and a full time student working a job that doesn’t offer insurance. Any tips?

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Jacquelyn,

      It takes so much strength to leave an abusive relationship. I am glad you and your children are in a healthier environment. It is normal to be feeling sad and alone, as the healing process takes time. Most local domestic violence agencies offer support groups and individual counseling. These services are usually either free or on a sliding scale payment plan. To find a local group you can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for that information. Thank you for reaching out for support.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  56. Laura says:

    Jacquelyn,
    Many places offer free counceling for domestice violence victims. I don’t know where you are located but you could try to call a shelter by you and see what services are offered. I do suggest that you seek counceling as soon as possible. I know from experience that if you put it off, it just causes more problems. I as so glad you got out! I hope this helps

  57. Michelle says:

    Holly, The statement you made about “I wouldnt even have a friend like this in my life, let alone a lover’ is along the same lines that made me decide to finally cut off my ex. I am not going to tell my whole story on here but I left my childrens father a year ago. I moved from MI to NC. (I have friends here who told me to come on). He is a truck driver by trade and although couldnt seem to get job when I was in MI found a job 2 weeks after I left. I started out in a transitional living center and had a lot of support but I am working and doing pretty well now. I made a mistake and let him know where I was, thinking to allow him contact with kids. He will call and text 100x or more in a day on some days, the verbal and emotional abuse was still continuing! About 4 weeks ago, I finally made a similar statement to myself like the one you did. He then came to visit and was drunk when he got here. he insulted me as always, tried to have sex, I refused, he then strangled me but stopped when heard the kids coming, then later hit me some more, broke my cell phone. My next door neighbor called my older daughter and his girl to get up and check on me.
    They called police and although I didnt press charges he went to jail for lieing to po lice and thinking he was ten feet tall and bulletproof. He still there, in jail, here in NC..I just wanted him GONE. He had not ever acted that violent before. My abuse had been verbal, emotional and sexual. I know better but I now feel like I dont trust any man. I dont feel the same about sex. I will call somebody to talk about this but I feel kinda bad for him cause now he lost his job. But I know it was his own d… fault. I feel like he will be stuck here whenever they let him out too and he will harass me. I do not feel like I will go back but I still feel obligated to have contact for the kids. I dont think this state “plays” as far as DV, not like in MI, they wouldn’t help much like some of these other ladies have talked about. Apparently strangulation is a felony? The rest of the charges on him are misdeamors but there are five seperate charges. The police made. He done f….up. I just need help to move forward. Anyway, I know I wouldnt have a friend like that (what he kept saying for us to be).

  58. Michelle says:

    Your story sounds a lot like mine.Stay Strong. I feel somewhat helpless and worthless to a point, because I know I always have to deal with him. I have only been to court for legal custody of one of my little girls when I was in different state. We were given joint custody with me primary, I wasnt supposed to leave the state but MI wasnt very helpful when I tried to get help. Left him once while there, (I moved there from VA) Reading this I am thinking I had better find somebody to help me out to get custody of the other one too while he is in jail.

  59. TAHIA says:

    I am in a emotional, physical, and sexually abusive relationship. It isn’t easy getting out of it. When I think he is sincere I let him back in world. We had some really good times and some really bad times. He is on drugs and is drinking a lot of alcohol. He doesn’t care about having money for an emergency or anything. Last year I went through something dramatic with him that the police were called. He was arrested and at that time the state’s attorney took over the case. At that time I however did get an order of protection against him and it is still active. For my children I do not want to see him go to jail even though he deserves it. What he needs is help. I try to tell him that he needs to go to rehab and he needs to stop drinking and smoking. He doesn’t think he has a problem, but in reality he really truly does. Him going to jail is not going to help if he does not recieve help for his addictions and demons. He will get out and do the same thing all over again. My real concern is for myself though. I don’t have the strength or courage to call the police on him even though I have an order of protection. I am scared of what would happen. I feel as if he controls my mind and my world somehow. I want a change in my life. I want someone who is going to love me show me affection and do things for me. Instead I am being forced to do things that he wants all the time. I am woken up out of my sleep at night to fix him food or go to the store for him. I am forced to perform sexual acts. When I try and leave he grabs me and holds me down or he will lay on top of me with his hand over my mouth and sometimes my nose. He will hold my hands behind my back. He takes my cellphone, he follows me to the bathroom if he worried about me calling the police when he acting a fool. He demands money from me all the time. He pawn my things such as digital camera’s, nintendo wii’s anything that he can get money for. I am constantly called out of my name and told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. My kids can go spend the night over his family members house, but they can’t go over to my family’s house and spend the night. I have given this man chance after chance to get it together and now I am officially fed up. I want to be free, happy, respected, loved, and most of all I want affection. I feel like something is wrong with me because I keep allowing this to happen to me. Some people might think it ‘s easy to walk away, but it isn’t. I have been with this man for over 10 years. It hasn’t always been this way, but for the past few years it has. Everyday is not a bad day, however there are just too many bad days period. I am really tired I don’t want to take my kids out of the school system that they are in. They are in one if the best school districts possible. I don’t want to live in a shelter when my children are used to being in there own space. We have always lived in an apartment or a house. I want my own space to be free and move past all of these things. Someone please help me!

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Tahia,
      It sounds like you are in an extremely scary/dangerous situation and I’m really glad you contacted our blog to share your experience. You are right, it is not easy to leave. Situations like this are hugely complicated and the emotions that go along with them are confusing. But please know, you are not alone. I can tell you have a lot of questions and concerns that would be better answered if we were speaking directly. If you can safely use a phone without him walking in on you, I encourage you to call our hotline as soon as possible (800-799-7233). Advocates here can discuss options and resources and help you develop a safety plan. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so as soon as you are ready we will be here waiting. All of our calls are anonymous and confidential, so any information you give will be safe with us.

      Take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  60. Scaredtodeath says:

    I have never vented like this before so please dont judge me. I have been in a relationship for 7 months only and every since the third month my boyfriend is constantly hitting me when he gets upset. He accuses me of doing stuff that I am not doing and insist that I am lying when i tell him the truth. I have a 2 year old daughter who clings yo me very much so when she hears me scream she comes running even though he doesn’t care to hit me in front of her. I tried calling the cops but he got out of it and came back uninvited. I have kept my mouth shut because of him.threatening me and not wanting to get my family involved and told him i just want him to leave but he wont leave. I dont know what to do im scared to move im scared to have any friends and im scared to turn to family because of what he might do to me. Help me please.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Scaredtodeath,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice blog community. I’m very concerned about your safety in this situation. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your boyfriend is very abusive with you. What he’s doing is about having power and control over you. The constant accusations, the physical violence, the threats. All of it is his way of having control over you and what you do. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Your daughter and you deserve to feel safe in your home, and to not have to worry about being threatened or harmed. If you get a safe chance, I would really encourage you to reach out and call someone here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and are always completely anonymous and confidential. We are a safe place to talk about it. It’s not your fault that this is happening, and we’d really like to support you.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  61. deb says:

    Scaredtodeath,
    why would we judge you for sharing your truth? Please read the safety planning page immediately. Tell the police everytime he has made you fear for your safety or that of your child. Do not tell him of any of your safety plans and use code with any correspondence with email and text messages. Hide a key to your car so you may leave quick or make up an excuse now to go to an appointment alone and go get help so that you can get a restraining order to get him out and change your locks. Threats are a real indicator that they are going to become real because the intent is already there. I olny say this because I know I have been there and safety planning saved my life and using my voice, putting my pride aside, utilizing the law which is there to protect. Deal with the emotions later. Save yourself and your child. Stay calm and act normal, make your safety plan and go before you can’t. Your instinct led you here and thats strength so know you are strong enough to take your life back.
    Hope this helps, you are not alone and there is support out there just know that and use it. Best to you
    Deb

  62. deb m says:

    cindy, Your experience is similar to mine. I appreciate knowing there are so many others out there struggling also. I’m almost 50 but I feel too old to start life over again. New career, new friends (he got all or mostly all of them), a new home, neighborhood, etc. sometimes seems overwhelming. Most of the time I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. How do you start all over again? Some of our friends I knew for 30 years and they’ve supported him. How does someone deal with that emotionally? To suffer abuse for 20 years is bad enough and then to have friends aggessively reject you and accuse you of exaggerating and support the abuser is too much to bear; pain on top of pain. More rejection is the last thing we need. Talking to a counselor is good and helps to sort our feelings out, but I need to build a new life that I can feel good in each day. How do we start? It seems impossible at my age to build deep relationships. Or maybe that’s from the abuse. How do you replace friendships that were formed over so many years? Many will say “they really weren’t true friends”, but they were at one time. They are victims too, of a manipulator who lives a double life. We all need a network of people, a community to feel we belong to. How do we emotionally handle starting over our lives?

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Deb M,

      I’m sorry you are having to start all over, it’s unfair that your friends chose to side with him. It sounds like he is very good at manipulation even where friends are concerned. Have you thought about meeting new people through volunteering? It can be a great way to help your community, give you something to occupy your time, and meet like minded individuals. Volunteermatch.org is a good place to find local volunteer opportunities.

      I’m glad to hear that you are working with a counselor, have you thought about joining support groups? This would be another way to reach out to those who understand what you have gone through and meet someone who may need a new friend as well. A hotline advocate could locate support groups in your area and you can call for that information 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

      I am so glad to hear that you are now free of your abusive relationship. The healing process takes time, so please be kind with yourself as you maneuver this path of new beginnings. Also, if you are a reader you might like, It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock. Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  63. shannon says:

    My mother is/was verbally abusive and i didn’t realize this is where I could be getting my anxiety attacks.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Shannon,

      I am sorry that you are getting anxiety attacks from your abusive mother. Dealing with abuse from a parent can make life very complicated. If you would like a referral for counseling in your area you can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for that information and for guidance and support.
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  64. Tom says:

    He sounds just like my wife, yes I said WIFE
    She was a spoiled brat, allowed to behave like that when she was a child and continued to use it to this day, your husband is the same.
    Behaviour like this should be a criminal offence, punishable by flogging……they would all soon stop, thats for sure.
    Problem with this site, like all the rest is there is nowhere for men suffering from such women and they are apparently 1 in 4 of the abusers!!!

  65. Bet says:

    I am just one week or so “freed” from an abusive relationship. I put that word in quotes because even though my husband is gone from our home, I am still feeling tied to the man. Partly because there will be court proceedings I may have to attend (depending on how he pleas to 2 charges of assault & with a weapon), and also because it is difficult to suddenly STOP loving and caring for a person you took into your and your life. The article on this website is so correct in saying leaving a relationship, however flawed, is a loss. It is. It must be grieved over and that is hard work when you are emotionally wrung out from the trauma. What I am finding out now about myself is that I have really good instincts about people (in fact, as a social service worker and bereavement program coordinator, I am paid for using those instincts)-and also that I will ignore those instincts in my personal life so as “not to rock the boat”. This might have ended with one of my sons or myself being murdered, when my husband decided in a drunken rage to pick up a fork and nearly stabbed my adult child – all because my spouse had fallen down granite steps in a luxury cottage rental last week and we asked him to slow up on his drinking for HIS OWN safety. At the age of 64, and in poor health, he is likely to serve jail time (I was told up to 6 months), and at night in my bed I weep for him. I do. And then I wipe away those tears and realize he was given nothing but love from us and we didn’t deserve to be terrorized like that. It was a choice he made, and there are consequences to every choice. I am now saying to myself, as I do to my clients every day – use every resource available to you to heal from what you have been through. Don’t fool yourself that you are “strong” and not in need of help and advice from professionals – everyone thinks I am the strongest woman in the world (I’ve had some pretty significant losses in life), but I know the truth – finding out my husband was not the man I thought he was, and that he could actually think to STAB us, is not something I am able to cope with alone. I am weepy and jumpy and do alot of self-blaming. I also feel a great sense of shame, because my workplace has to post his picture at the entrances to my workplace. But I also meditate and work on stopping negative self-talk and I know that in time I will feel better, safer, happier, healthier. I’ve “rocked the boat” and it was is a gruelling thing to do, but do it, in the safest way possible for you and your family. We do not deserve anything but love and support from our spouses, anything less is unacceptable. Take care.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Bet,
      Thank you for sharing your story with the Share Your Voice blog. You have provided some very powerful perspective for all of our readers. We here at the hotline totally agree that seeking professional support is truly necessary to someone fully recovering from the trauma of living through intimate partner violence. If possible, we encourage our callers and readers to seek assistance from counselors who have been specifically trained in domestic violence so that they receive the best support available. Advocates here at the hotline (24 hours, 7 days a week) provide our callers with local domestic violence counseling resources that are usually free to victims. Again, thank you for being so supportive to our community. Sharing your story is another great way to help you heal by helping others heal. Keep up the good work!

      HotineAdvocate_CH

  66. Katie says:

    Sarah,
    I myself was in an emotionally abusive relationship for six years and I just left for the 14th and last time. It seems as though it should get easier each time you leave, but it doesn’t, in fact, for me it got harder. He has warped my mind so much with his mind games. Good looking, smooth talker, always telling lies, con man. Every time I left, he would burn up my phone, e mail and make soooo many promises to change and make a better life for us, but 13 times, he never did. The last time I left him,(for 4 months) he threatened to kill himself and that really fed on my emotion because I did love him . I know that sounds crazy…I loved him? At one point, we all did. That’s what makes the emotional scars so deep and hard to overcome.
    I am with you when you asked about the chat. I too am weak. I feel fairly safe where I am but i do feel isolated. Because of what I went thru, I have no friends or family..To be able to converse with other women with the same experiences would be a tremendous support mechanism. Until that happens, I ask a very simple question to myself everyday…”What would I gain by going back”?

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Katie,

      Thanks for sharing in our Blog Community and offering support. It can be difficult if you feel isolated and need more support. You are also welcome to call the Hotline if you decide at any time that you would like to. Advocates are there 24/7 to provide you that support.

      Take care and thanks again for posting and for your tip, it is a great question.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  67. Maggi says:

    My daughter left her husband a week ago and got a protective order. They have several young children and he has abused her physically and verbally in front of the children for over 5 years. He has guns but the permits were revoked last week and he is not supposed to go to the house or contact her or her family. She is staying away from the area and not going to the house. He tried to contact her and now she is wanting to talk to him and feels sorry for him!!! She wants him to be able to visit her and the kids! Anything I can do to help protect them all?

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi Maggi,

      It sounds like your daughter has taken some big steps to getting out of an abusive relationship; unfortunately abusers are often great manipulators. You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support, ideas, resources and safety planning tips. Your daughter may also call us as well. We are confidential and anonymous. Also, there is some information on our website, which is: http://www.thehotline.org and also at http://www.womenslaw.org for family and friends who are helping victims of domestic violence. There is a great book called “Helping Her Get Free” which was written by Susan Brewster that you may find helpful. Your daughter is lucky to have a Mom who is there for her and so supportive of her and her children. Know that you may call the Hotline anytime, 24/7.

      Thank you for posting in our blog community,
      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  68. Brian says:

    I know we all are in a tough spot but I am, REALLY stuck between a, rock and a hard place. I reunited with my HS sweetheart one year ago and its been VERY hard on me. Her main concern and ONLY key to happiness(or even treating me like a human being) was/is money and stability. Of course we all want that but being put down and humiliated EVERYDAY did nothing but cause problems and destroyed my self esteem. Its my fault for letting her control me though. I was just blinded by a love I have never felt before. I worshiped the ground she walked on and NEVER stood my ground bc all I wanted was for her to be happy (still want that I just finally realized I cant make anyone happy if I dont take care of myself)..So we decided to end it a couple mos ago and the day after I moved back home, she found out she was pregnant(yes its mine..lol)..So I moved back and we couldn’t get along for more than 2 days. I am now 3 hours away from her, with friends and family, new job and working out again, and not spending 24 hours a day wondering how I can make her happy. we are only communicating via email and were getting along great. we would not be talking at all if it wasn’t for the baby. I want to be in our child’s life and I want to have a relationship with her so are child grows up as happy as possible. it is very challenging when a child is involved. I don’t really have a question but any feedback is appreciated. God bless

  69. Aftermath says:

    I was in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive relationship with a man for four years. At first, physical abuse was the prominent form of abuse. After getting into legal trouble for assault, verbal and emotional abuse began to rise. I thought I was strong enough to endure. I never thought, piece by piece, that is was chipping away at who I was. This is what I have discovered over the recent months. I was led to believe that I was the only one he abused, I would never find anyone to “love” me as much as he did, that it was all my fault. He would leave as a form of punishment and finally I got tired. I became emotionally exhausted. I began to move on. Problem is, moving on is not as easy as I had thought. I battle daily with overcoming my thoughts to keep me from doubting my decision. Sometimes my thoughts win and it becomes some what debilitating. I feel like a prisoner of my thoughts. I can not escape the abuse. I have told myself that I never loved him. How could you love someone who spit in your face? How could you love someone who choked you? Or told you they hated you? What could I possibly love? I never, in a million years, dreamed I would have this much emotional damage done to me. And I do not know how to rebuild. He seems to carry on with life just fine. I could never imagine anyone living through what I lived through for even a day. I wish I would have known how devastating abuse can really be otherwise I would have left when I seen the red flags. Unfortunately I ignored them, and now I have to deal with the aftermath.

  70. Rom says:

    Just browsing around the web I landed here looking for how to not bring emotional trauma to a new relationship. I read many of the responses here. I figured I might add mine. I am a man. It seems I might be the only man to land here. It’s shamefull how my gender has treated women. However I am on the receiving end here. My wife and I were together for 4 years. Married for less than one. She had many of the red flags we have all come to know and hate. Silent treatments, general meaness, mean to my son from a prior marraige. She made 2 sets of rules for her kids and my son. She did not care about my needs and was unsupportive. She abused me phsyically on occasion. She would say the most traumatizing this like I have cheated on you, or I hate you, you are not my family. She ran me into the shinks office thinking I was bipolar, in order to medicate me since I turned into a nervous wrek. They put me on meds I am currently taking and its too risky to just come off them. The Dr is taking me off slowly over time as most of my side effects have started to dissappear since she left my life. I could detail countless incidents of abuse. In the end she threw me out of the house over a minor argument when I told her to get over the fact I can communicate with my sons’ mother now. She liked making sure things were always tense. In the end she threw me out because I found my courage to speak back finally. She then put a restraining order on me for no particular reason when I wanted to get my stuff back (I know how this sounds but hear me out) Then I found out she moved in a new man just weeks after I had been thrown out. He even looked like me. So the order was so I could not confront her. I had played her game via SMS wanting my stuff back and her not replying to the point I was upset finally. It was so demoralizing when I found out the real truth. Anyway fast foward to now. I have met a wonderful woman who has some minor things to sort out. And now to this day I cant get over the haunts of my past. The being thrown out on a moments notice for no reason. I am finding I have a real issue with trust of my heart and I am such a loving man. I give and give and give. My heart never runs dry with passion. Yet now I find my ex haunting me. I dont want to ruin this new relationship with this wonderful woman who is so kind, genersous and loving. I fear if I dont get past my issues I would lose her.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Rom,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Healing after intimate partner abuse is a process that may take longer for some than others. Counseling is an important aspect of this healing process- specifically domestic violence counseling. There are organizations in communities all over the country that offer free counseling to domestic violence survivors. Advocates here at the hotline (800-799-7233) are available 24/7 to help you locate what supportive resources are near you. We are also here to offer you emotional support if you feel like you need to talk to someone. I am glad you are reaching out for help in this very difficult time in your life because understanding support is key to your healing process.

      Take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  71. Christy says:

    How do I overcome the emotional trauma I have suffered from an abusive relationship for the past 20 years? I am with someone now who loves me but I am on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am happy and the next minute I am crying. I was physically and mentally abused and I don’t know where to begin my healing process. I am constantly thinking I am not good enough, used up, unattractive and I dwell on the constant insults that have been said to me through all those years. I know I am a good person and have a huge heart…so why am I constantly beating myself up now? I have been trying to find support groups to help me work through this. I want this new relationship to last but am afraid that I will scare him away.
    Someone please help me…any advise would be greatly appreciated.

  72. Hilary says:

    when i read your comment it sounded so familiar, I dont have answers but just wanted to share my story.
    I have been divorced now 7 years. I didnt even realize how much emotional abuse i had suffered in my marriage until the last few of it years. Sudden symptoms of PTSD come up now when i am in relationships, especially when the relationship feels loving. Even with my friends, i dont have many, and the few i let in, i dont trust easily and am extremely effected when i sense I cant trust them. A lot of my trust issues come from my relationship with my extremely emotionally and verbally abusive husband of 13 years. I had told my family i wanted to get a divorce when i was in my early 30s, i wasnt even sure why, because i didnt really identify how abused i was being, my mothers response was “just stay a few more years, its not like he physically beats you or has a drug or gambling problem….” Eventually I developed an eating disorder,, which got better when I finally had the courage to ask for a divorce. My first intimate relationship after my marriage came soon, and it was equally as abusive in a different way, again it didnt feel like abuse,it felt normal, it was all similar feelings of not being good enough, not deserving more, making excuses for mean behavior. This relationship lasted 4 years until i ended it.

    Finally, I am in a relationship with a man who is loving and caring. It is destroying me almost more then being in an abusive relationship.

    The closer i get the more scared i feel. I start to not trust him and make things up in my head that simply arent true. I just spent 3 days away with him and felt so close and good and safe, that when I came home from the vacation, I had a complete mental breakdown. It didnt make sense to me and still doesnt. I tried to reach out to my friends but am convinced that no one is there for me and am hypersensitive to any signal that maybe my friends dont care enough about me, i am almost looking for a fight with anyone. I feel so much anger and fear I feel an urge to protect myself so vicerally that I dont know what to do.

    I have talked with my current boyfriend about my past emotional abuse and he is aware that trust is very difficult . we have been together for over two years. The more i love him the more scared I get. But i have never had a breakdown like i had when we came back from vacation, i felt utterly terrified and alone, which made no sense because I had the most amazing time, and felt so safe and close to him.
    I finally realized that my reaction this week is directly related to feeling so close and from the years of emotional abuse, i just dont know how to feel better.

    I keep turning to friends, but only set them up to fail me. Either they didnt check in on me, or responded in a mean way, I dont even know what is real or what is not. I feel like a wild animal running for cover.

    Does anyone identify this and how do you deal with these overwhelming emotions that come when you are in an actually caring relationship?

    thanks for any responses.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Hilary,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice blog community. It’s not uncommon for a survivor of abuse to deal with PTSD, anxiety, or depression, even after being away from the abusive relationship for a while. Trauma can have lasting emotional and even physical effects on a person. I think it takes a lot to realize how you are presenting in your current relationship, and to know that you want to do something different. You deserve happy, healthy love. It may take time and healing, and support so that you feel the same. Have you ever talked to anyone about this? There are counselors that deal with domestic violence specifically. If you’d like to find out more about local resources for support, you are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential and are available 24/7. Another good place to locate counseling resources is goodtherapy.org. You can search by your zipcode and find listings of therapists and their specialties there. I’m glad you shared your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to talk about what you’ve been through, and to acknowledge there are still struggles and challenges to getting healthy again.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  73. Michael says:

    Moving on after a relationship is a challenging process. It is refreshing to see that there are so many resources for people to turn to on this forum. I specialize in working the LGBT clients and if you are in need of a resource for self-help information, please feel free to check out my blog at Vantage Point Dallas Counseling . Look under the blog section, which allows you to search as well. Hang in there!

  74. Kat says:

    I am still living with my husband of 10 years. We have five children and I am terrified to leave. I recently called a shelter and spoke with a counselor and then to my family doctor (who already had suspicions). They have convinced me that I need to leave for the safety of myself and for my children. I am currently making a plan to do so, but I am so scared. Are there any books or sites that anyone can recommend that address leaving and starting over with five young children.. I am still recovering from having the last one. Every time he felt that I might leave he got me pregnant to force to stay. Then he emotionally abused me to keep me too sick while I was pregnant. I had horrible pregnancies due to the stress. I’m just so afraid that I won’t be able to raise them alone. And I’m afraid to go back to work. I haven’t had a job since shortly after we married. I am a Christian and I’m praying for strength, but I could really use some encouragement from other mothers that have left and survived raising multiple young children on their own.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Kat,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with the Share Your Voice community. It sounds like your situation is dire and quite overwhelming, but I am so glad you are reaching out for support. It can be extremely difficult for someone to go through such a difficult time alone. Many, many women have been able to leave situations such as your safely, it just takes some planning. That’s where the support comes in. A page on our website that can be very helpful in thinking about how to leave in the safest way possible is called “what is a safety plan?” (http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/). When you can do so safely, read the information on that page. If you have any questions please know you can always call the hotline at 800-799-7233 (24/7). We are here to help you develop the best plan of action and to offer you emotional support through the process. Another website that can be helpful in finding supportive resources is http://custodyprepformoms.org/reading.php . Explore the website when you can; it has tons of helpful reading as well as book recommendations, and links to online support groups for abused mothers. Making a connection with your local domestic violence program is also an important aspect of this process and I’m glad to hear you’ve taken that first step. Once you do leave, the shelter programs typically can help out with legal questions, employment, transitional housing and of course counseling for you and the kids. Therefore, getting to safety is the number one goal and all of your other needs can be addressed once you are safe. This is a difficult process, but you are not alone. Advocates here at the hotline and in your community are standing by day and night to offer you support and guidence.

      Good luck and take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  75. Jennifer says:

    How many of you other SURVIVORS have a good co-parenting relationship with your former spouses? I have an impossible relationship with my ex because each time we have any contact he becomes verbally abusive (even if it is just a text or email). I try my hardest not to contact him except where absolutely necessary. I can’t imagine texting him;, or calling and having casual conversations with him, as if nothing ever happened.

    I am angry with somebody in my life that claims she was abused, yet continues to reach out to her “abuser” by texting him DAILY and calling often with a thin pretext of talking about “parenting issues”. This makes no sense to me, can anyone give me a rational explanation for this behavior?

    I was so glad to escape with my life, it just doesn’t seem reasonable to me that she would do this?

    Explanations?

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Jennifer,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts with our blog community. It sounds like in your situation, co-parenting with an abusive ex has been really difficult. It’s not uncommon for an abusive partner to continue to try and be controlling and emotionally abusive, even when you are out of the relationship. Oftentimes, they will use the contact you have regarding the children as opportunities to berate you and be verbally abusive. From what you’ve shared about the situation your friend is in, I don’t know that any one can explain her behavior other than herself. There may be many different reasons why she has decided to remain in contact with him. What we know about abusive relationships, is that oftentimes, it takes more than one time for a victim of abuse to really leave the situation. Her partner may be using their contact as an opportunity to try to get back with her or to make false promises. And as with any other relationship, it may take some time to mourn the loss of the relationship, even if it was abusive. As a friend, it’s important not to judge her decisions. If it’s uncomfortable for you and get you too close to home, that’s understandable. Continue doing what you need to do to keep yourself safe. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential.

      Thank you again
      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  76. Andrea says:

    Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy for feeling the way that I feel. I’ve been in an relationship for the past 8 years, off and on. We’ve been going through a break up for the last 5 months and everytime I think its over and I’m getting over it he comes back and plays with my mind. I have endured mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hand of someone I believed loved me. He has cheated on me multiple times and even gave me an STD. My heart is desheveled and I feel like I’m drowding and can’t seem to find my way out of my emotions. I keep asking myself over and over again “How did I become this person??? How have I let someone have such an effect on me??” I recently went to the doctor and was diagnosed with anixety and servere depression. I’ve scheduled appointments with a phychyatrist, therapist and my local church. This relationship has been so toxic to my life and don’t even know when to begin to put myself back together. Everything inside me tells me to run as far and as fast as I can but, as sick as this sounds, pieces of me miss him and want to know how he could treat me like this for so long and have no remorse. I am trying to build my support system by surrounding myself with family but because I have never verbally said any of this to anyone I am finding it extremly difficult. Any advice on how to open up??

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Andrea,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story with our blog community. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been dealing with an abusive relationship for a long time. You’re not crazy for feeling the way that you do. It’s normal to feel like you miss your partner or to still care about them. If he has any opportunity to get in contact with you, he may use that space to continue to be emotionally abusive and controlling. Or he may be very sweet and caring sounding, which can be really confusing. It may be difficult, but part of ending a relationship with an abusive ex safely may have to include cutting off contact with that person completely. Possibly even changing your phone number. I am glad to hear you are building up your support network and seeking counseling. As far as opening up to family about what you’ve been through, I think that’s up to you to decide how much you want to share and with whom. Start by talking to the person you feel comfortable with and trust the most. If you need to talk to someone, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. We are 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  77. Andrea says:

    I can completely sympathize and understand how you feel. Something my cousin told me has stuck with me because I do tend to overthink “If you water it, it will grow.” When I’m in the midst of emotions it is beyond difficult to tell myself that and believe it but all I can do is try. I hope that things get better for you.

  78. Emily says:

    Hello everyone,

    We are all survivors in my mind, just some of us are still physically for whatever reason. I have been married for 24 years, have a son and daughter, who ask me on a regular basis when i am going to leave and take them with me. i have been pushed to the floor, so that I had to go to the ER the next day, I have been sexually assaulted – actually this is the preferred method of control at present, which is making me feel very ill, and also I think unconsciously why I am eating twix at an alarming rate – to become overweight. I have left him twice with the kids and gone to shelters, the first time I went back after 4 days, the second time he found us and with his brother took the kids home – I returned home the next day. My father died last year and I was only just allowed to go, I had to say that I wanted to “put him in his place” this was accepted as a reason to go, my dad died the day before I was due to leave and my husband said “you’ve no need to go now” I argued that I wanted to bury him. then a couple of months after that I ran away, overseas for 10 days, he wouldn’t let me speak to the kids on the phone as it upset them….I returned. I know I am in an abusive relationship, I know that I have to get out, I can not seem to find the power to do so. My doctor knows, my mother, sister and brother know, my cousins know, my kids know, the one friend I am allowed to have (but can’t see on my own) knows….why, why, why can’t I just leave? He is legally blind, has a thyroid problem…but these are not excuses for him to bully me and frighten me to not say how I feel about anything are they? I am trapped.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Emily,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with the blog community. It sounds like you are in a very difficult and scary situation. There is never an excuse for someone to behave abusively. Whether the person is sick, old, or even dying it’s never ever okay and no one deserves to be treated that way. You have the right to your freedom and to live a peaceful life. I am so glad that you have reached out for help because many times that is the first step to getting to safety. Situations such as this can be so complicated that community support is necessary. Advocates here at the hotline (800-799-7233) would be happy to explore resources and options with you- we are available 24/7. Making a safety plan is often the best way to prepare to leave an abusive situation. Please look over our safety planning page (http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/) at your earliest convienience to get information on what to consider when creating your own safety plan. Please know that you are not alone in this and there are people that want to help you and your children have a better life.

      Take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Ash,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on with your ex, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  79. Scot says:

    hI i READ YOUR COMMENTS AND i GOT INVOLVED WITH A HIGH SCOOL SWEAT HEART AND BOTH OF US WERE IN BAD MARRIAGES.MINE WAS JUST A NAGGING WOMAN NEVER COULD PLEASE HER BUT NEVER VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE ON EITHER SIDE BUT JUST GREW APART BUT ,rEALLY EITHER 0NE OF US WERE HAPPY SO WE DIVORCED..mY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART AND I FOUND EACH OTHER 5 YEARS AFTER WE BOTH WENT THREW DIVORCE,BUT SHE ON THE OTHER HAND WAS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSED ,SHE AND I GOT TOGETHER 4 YEARS AGO AND THE GREATEST LOVE I HAVE EVER KNOWN AND THEN LIKE 5 MONTHS INTO IT SHE SHOWED ME ASIDE OF HER THAT I HAVE NEVER WITTNESED FROM ANY HUMAN EVER.SHE CURSES LIKE SAILOR TANTRUMS OF A CHILD ,EXPLOSIVE DEGRADING WORDS AND I HAVE WITTNESSED IT SO MANY TIMES THAT I GET PANIC ATTACKS LOW SELF ESTEEM ,CRYING NOT WORTHY..BREAKS UP EVERY 6 MONTHS BUT I BEG HER BACK ,WELL SHE DID IT AGAIN FIVE DAYS AGO AND I AM SICK TO MY STOMACK..I ASK YOU DO YOU THINK SHE MAY HAVE BEEN THE ABUSER IN HER FIRST MARRIAGE ,OR MAYBE BOTH OF THEM WERE..OR COULD SHE BE DOING THIS TO ME FROM HER LEARNED BEHAVIOR OF HER PAST..i WAS A HIGH SCHOOL ALL STATE FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL PLAYER,PLAYED COLLEGE FOOTBALL,AND HAVE A LOT OF FREINDS BUT I PUT MY WHOLE SELF INTO HER AND ALL SHE DOES IS SAY THEY ARE ALL PEICES OF CRAP ,JEALUS IF I TALK TO OLD CLASS MATES,,, SHE SAYS I AM CRAZY BUT I HAVE NEVER RAISED MY VOICE TO HER OR NAME CALLED HER WILL SHE TRY TO COME BACK ,I HAVE TEXTED HER WITH THINKING OF YOU OR RECALLING A ROMANTIC NIGHT, SHE WANT RESPOND ,ii know i should be happy but i missher

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Scot,

      I am sorry that you have been dealing with verbal abuse, no one deserves that. It is hard to say whether she was the abusive partner in her past relationship or not. Sometimes an abusive partner will manipulate the truth about their past and tell their new partner that their ex was actually the abusive person, when in reality it was him/her. It is normal to miss someone even if you realize that they are hurting you. As you experienced, the abusive behavior did not go away no matter how much you gave of yourself, because you are not the reason she is abusive, even if she is telling you it’s all your fault. She is choosing to hurt you.

      If you would like further guidance and support or would like a referral for counseling in your area you can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. It takes courage to reach out for support, thank you for contacting our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  80. Stacie says:

    Peggy,
    Words cannot even begin to express how much I relate to everything that you’ve said. My husband is an alcoholic. I have lived this nightmare of a life for more than 10 years. He can be the kindest most easy going guy but then the monster comes out!! I have been separated now for 5 months. Its been so hard learning to live without him but I know that living with him was destroying me. His abusiveness has rocked me to the core of my bieng, It has filled me with so much anger and resentment that I don’t know that I will ever trust another man to be close to. I am 35 and fighting hard everyday to move forward with my lif. Much like you my vows are important to me. I grew up having strong christian moral and beliefs. I feel emabarrassed and ashamed but in no way am I taking responsibility for my failed marriege. I did all that I could and nothing got better, it only became worse. I think the final straw was him verbally attacking my daugther. It was almost like I had gotten used to him being mean and offensive but once he started on my daugther and I could see the fear and hurt in her eyes, enough was enough! Right now he is homeless and jobless. At times i feel very sorry for him because I know outside of his addiction he can be a really good person. I agree with the analogy about the frog in the boiling water. I expected it to end, I needed and wanted it to end. However, it only became more severe. I even felt moletsed at times. Here is this mane who with holds affection and kindness but expects sex from me when he wakes up in the middle of the night. It feels good to be free but its a scary place all at the same time. I know I made the right decision but its not easy. Thank you for sharing your story nad having the courage to get out of a situation that was unhealthy. I like the part when you said you don’t want to spend what is left of your time on earth with someone who is disrespectful and abusive. No matter what age we are we don’t know how long we will live but we should make sure that we live each day happy and free from any type of abuse and turmoil. Repeating positive affirmations daily until I believe and become the words I speak. I am strong, confident, worthy of love, beautiful, intelligent, kind and a queen! My husband has lost a great women. The loss is his not mine. I got rid of what was not good to or for me. Realizing that each day is a gift and I must unwrap it and enjoy it to the fullest. I’m learning how to live!

  81. lucretia says:

    hello ive just got out of a 9 yrs mental and physical abussive marriage my husband threaten me every day virbal and physical he tryed not to but he couldnt help himself i was in a car accident befor i meet him and was recovering from being paralized he was my every thing as i fell in love with him i moved to st kitts to be with him my finance got us by through the years as it begin to be the topic of are life he blammed me for him not working and not making something out of his life i new that he had no love for me but my money as people would say why he treat you so bad i felt shame after all the things we tryed togather to make extra income he also cheated on me after finding out 2yrs ago i could never look at or feel the same towards him now that i got tired of leaving one house to move to another from him feeling sorry for him letting him back became a mistake after a incident he tryed to force me back in the house with knife cutting me i realized that i cant take him back no matter what he say cause i love my self so i put a restraining order in place its like he couldnt believe that i did that after all those abusive years i use to cry everyday and my face was dark and cloudy i was ashame of this life i choose to live with him im a very moody person and i used bad language allot nonstop i do miss him sexually but most of the time his sex was to much to handle have always respected my body and finally i moved on for support and protection to another man i dont feel bad at all they had fight police was called but the battle must go on as he is on the run now i pray everyday for guidance and protection i can sleep in peace now knowing that no one is going to still anything from me and call me bitch everyday now i can only dream of the day i step out of this house to freedom and walk tall and proud to be me i no Jah has me in his hands

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Lucretia,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been through alot these past 9 years. No matter what, you never deserved to be treated like that. It’s not your fault that he abused you. Abuse is about maintaining power and control in a relationship, and it sounds like now even though you are away from him, he is still trying to maintain that emotional control by stalking you. If you’d like to talk to someone about safety, and what’s going on now with the situation, you are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and are anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline could safety plan with you, and also locate local resources for addtional help.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  82. lucretia says:

    its hard to see the man you treated like a king no matter what he did to me he didnt appreciate me and now he is homeless and stocking me i do care for him but he almost killed me verbally and mentally now physically i woke up after he cut me and cryed a hard cry like i must walk away and dont look back i cant look back or i will turn to salt

  83. C.E. says:

    I was with an abusive young man for 4 years. He held a gun to my head several time. He sliced my tires so I couldn’t go anywhere. He stoled my money. But of course it wasn’t bad all the time. And he was very nice at first. I left him 16 monthes ago and the problem is I haven’t been happy since I left him. I think about how much I miss him and I want to go back to him. But I know this is so stupid but I feel like I can’t control my emotions. We haven’t spoke to each other in over a year but I’m always thinking about going back to him and hoping he changed. I moved to a very boring town and I miss him. I don’t understand how I can miss someone who abused me and caused me so much pain? I hope I don’t go back to him but I feel myself getting weaker every day fantasizing if we get back together how perfect it would be. I hear it takes two years to get over these feelings and its been 16 monthes since our break up. The police aided in my escape from him and I had to stay with family for a while. All these people helped me escape him and if I go back to him I’m dissapointing everyone, I think theres something wrong with me as I feel like hes my true love and I keep wanting to go back to him. I feel mentally ill, I know this is not logical and not healthy at all.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      C.E.
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. You’re not weak or mentally ill for feeling this way. It’s completely normal to miss your partner and to need time to move forward. A lot of the time, it’s the good parts of the relationship you’re holding on to. It must have been really scary to get away from him. If this person has not chosen to get any help or acknowledged that they are abusive, then it’s not very likely that things will be any different if you went back to him. Oftentimes, what’s more common is for things to be okay for a couple of weeks, and then to just get right back to where they were before, if not worse. It takes a lot of strength and support to leave an abusive and controlling relationship and to stay out of it. If you’d like, you are welcome to call and speak with the National Domestic Violence Hotline here at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline could also look for local resources for more support.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  84. Rach says:

    I am not currently in an abusive relationship and haven’t been for about 5 years. I recently got married to a wonderful man, however; I still periodically get really upset thinking about abusive relationship. I don’t even know exactly what I’m upset about. I can’t tell if its because I miss him, if I’m upset because I never really felt like he loved me back, if I feel bad because I couldn’t help him change, if I feel bad for myself, if I’m just reliving the abusive episodes, etc. I don’t feel like I should still be experiencing pain/sadness after 5 years have passed. I just hate when I feel like this and I don’t even know exactly what or why I’m feeling this way. Does anyone else have this issue?

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Rach,
      Thank you for sharing your experience with our blog community. It is completely normal to still be dealing with a lot of confusing emotions even after you’ve been out of an abusive relationship for a while. Have you gotten any kind of counseling support for the abuse that you went through? One thing that comes up quite often when talking to callers on the Hotline recently out of abusive relationships is that feeling of not having ‘closure.’ An abusive partner is not likely to acknowledge or take responsibility for their abusive behavior, which can make it really hard for victims and survivors to feel validated in knowing it was abuse. I am glad to hear that you are safely away from that situation and moving on. If you’d like, you are welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline here at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential, and are available 24/7. An advocate on the Hotline could look up local resources for more support.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  85. darren says:

    I came out of a ‘relationship’ just over a year ago with someone who has (undiagnosed) NPD. It was increasingly emotionally abusive, though I wasn’t aware of how bad it was until well after it ended. I was criticized in almost every form except sexually. This was the only praise I got and even then I was banished to the spare room after sex. I took the abuse even though it never felt right, even in the early days before she became increasingly mean.

    Nine months ago, an incident occurred which lead to me reporting her to her bosses. As I advertise with this company, they prevented her from communicating with me in future. I thought that would end the pain and hurt I was going through. I was wrong.

    I am now at the stage where the emotional abuse I suffered is on my mind on an almost constant basis. I can no longer form relationships and my confidence is at an all time low. Strange thing is, part of me still loves her, even though I don’t actually like her as she is an appalling, shallow and callous individual, but I still miss her.

    I’m now having therapy which is helping, but it will be a long road before I feel good about myself again, as I’ve almost been destroyed inside from the abuse I received from my N ex. I’m not the person I was 3 years ago and I long for the day when I can be ‘me’ again… :(

  86. Rach says:

    I have never really been able to talk to anyone about it. I feel embarassed and ashamed for some reason. I have only ever been able to talk about after I have had too much to drink. For about a year I found my self drinking just to have the ability to talk about it to my best friend. I just want to rid myself of these feelings. I just don’t know how to talk about it.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Rach,
      Yes, it can be extremely difficult to talk about past abuse and the feelings you have of shame and embarrassment are completely normal. Perhaps speaking to an advocate at our hotline anonymously might be a good first step towards becoming more comfortable talking about what happened. We are here 24/7 to talk whenever you are ready (800-799-7233) or to offer you local free counseling resources.

      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  87. beverly says:

    Don’t ignore what you sense. My husband seethed with anger. Sometimes in bed I could feel him shaking with anger. The first time, I thought he was shivering with cold. He got out of bed, confronted me about something he made up in his mind and doused me with lighter fluid. I thank God that the lighter he held did not connect to my gown! He presented himself to people as a good and loving husband, also. My brothers could sense something “not right ” about him. I could not understand what, not until I was married to him for a year. He was verbally abusive and knowledgeable about where to hit me so it would not show. Walking on eggshells was an everyday thing, because I never knew when he would take something I said the wrong way. If I looked at a man or woman, when we got home I would be accused of wanting to have an affair, or having an affair with the man or woman. The abuser is very wise about the law and what he or she can get away with. The last week I was with him, he was so very erratic. He threatened to kill me and make me a paraplegic, then throw me outside. He threatened to make me a prostitute for him and his druggie friends. God helped me out again. I was able to leave and never go back.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Beverly,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. Through this blog, we hope to create a space where survivors and victims can have a safe space to share what they’ve been through, and to use their words to empower each other. I am glad to hear you were able to safely get away from this person and that you’ve been able to move forward.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  88. Lindsy says:

    I have just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship with my boyfriend (1 year). Although all of my friends told me it was unhealthy and I knew that it was making me unhappy quite often despite everyday having good parts as well i eventually decided to call it off, and cut all contact. Since then he managed to get in contact with me through my friends, and asked me to call him because he was really really sorry. He said that the reason he seeked so much control was that he lacked it with his last girlfriend, and had gone overboard and could change. He offered to go to a counsellor and my gut feeling went out to him and trusted him, so i said i would give him another chance. However a couple of days later I decided i didn’ want to run the risk of going through all of that again, so I told him i’d changed my mind. He was distraught, and so was I. I keep going through phases of thinking i was right, but missing him, and missing being with him, thinking i’ve made a mistake etc. I feel like i’m going crazy. Still not entirely sure it was the right thing to do as he might have had NPD or something like that

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Lindsy,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It’s completely normal to feel confused when you’re coming out of an abusive relationship. I want you to know that it’s really common for an abusive ex partner to claim that they’ve changed or to promise that things are going to be different. Most often though, things don’t get any better unless that person is really committed to getting some help for themselves and admitting that they are being abusive. And even then, change takes time. I think it was really strong of you to trust your gut feeling about the situation and to decide to remain broken up with him. You may miss the good parts of the relationship, but it sounds like there were things that made you feel bad and that weren’t healthy for you. If you’d like to talk to someone at more length about what you’ve been through, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and a safe place to talk about it.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  89. Jen says:

    I am sharing a pieces of my life . I was abused for 7 years . My husband passed away an I moved a very abusive man into my home . I thought he loved me . I thought he would understand how me an my kids where feeling at such a hard time in out lives. The abuse started about 6mnths after he moved in. Anytime we would go out an guy looked at me he would have a fit an everyone would look at us crazy . He would always turn it around on me saying I was asking for the attention . The years went by an I would try so hard to keep the bruises on my arms a secret from my family . Earlier in the relationship he never wanted anyone to know how much he was beating me he would hit or grab me so hard in places no one could see. He never once wanted any one to know how abusive he was . Well anyway I financially supported all of us an even him on my survivor check I received from my husband . He always reminded me how much he would never help support my kids because we had the survivor check to help us . Well I just lived for the fact I just thought he would change an really see his ways an change an be nice for just once .. He finally got a very nice job making quite alot an hour . Never changed never helped pay for a whole bill never once !!. He said he’s does not have to pay because he was entitled to not have to pay nothing . Well after being numb of the beatings the financial abuse .. Here comes the big one ! He would literally rape me when I did not have sex with him no more .If I did not comply in what he wanted he would pull me from my bed throw me across the room an beat an rape me . I sware the list goes on an on with multiple stories on the torture he gave to me . I am survivor today . I am proud of myself !!!!!!!!! I am so proud I came out of that deep dark place with him . I made it out alive . I just can’t believe It I made it out alive ..I know everyone of us women are looking for answers on what to do if you are still dealing with your abuser . I am telling I found the ANSWER LEAVE THE ABUSER !!! We have more worth then to put up with some one constantly degrading us an putting there hands on us .. No matter what hold you may think they have over you like financial, kids the dog I don’t know I just know it’s not worth loosing you life over . I tell you the truth It Is like a breath of fresh air leave the Abuser !!! I am a survivor of Domestic Abuse !!!

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Jen,
      Thank you for sharing your story and words of encouragement with our blog community. You’ve been through a lot. It sounds like your ex-partner was very abusive to you. I am glad to hear you are safely out of that situation and moving forward. Are you getting any support for what you’ve been through? If you’d like to talk to someone about how to locate local resources for help, you are always welcome to call and speak with an advocate here at the National Hotline. There are local domestic violence programs that offer counseling and support groups for victims and survivors of abuse.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  90. Kelly says:

    Ok, after reading some of these things i think maybe i’m kinda pathetic! I was in a relationship with an abusive guy 3 years ago but now i cant seem to move on or trust anybody else. He would call me names, threaten to kill me when i slept. He would say things to frighten me, he would hit me “accidentally” with things.. Doors, remote controls, my mobile phone, dvd cases.. The list goes on. He would come to my house and smash the place up because of stupid little things and make me feel guilty about it. He did all of this when my daughter was there. He once came up to my face and said through clenched teeth that just because i had a hold of my f**king kid it didn’t mean he wouldn’t punch my f**king face in then swung at me and punched a hole in the door next to my head. My little girl was only 9 months old and she had to see that. It makes me sick. He would disappear and not tell me where he was and when i worried and tried to contact him he would turn it against me. He hated me having any friends or family at my house and if he turned up and they were there he would kick off after they left. I fell pregnant with his child and lost it at 7 weeks through stress. He said i was a pathetic bitch who cant even take care of his baby and he was glad i lost it. I had to put my baby in a box and burry it in the garden, i couldn’t even go to the doctor because he said if i did he would make sure i never got pregnant again. I cant talk to anybody because i cant explain why i didnt say anything sooner. He said nobody would ever want a vile disgusting pig like me and now i’m starting to think he was right. Nothing i ever did was good enough, even down to the meals i made him or if i forgot something when i was shopping all hell would break loose. I have only ever told one friend about what really went on but i don’t want to keep bothering her with it. It was years ago but it still affects me and i have to make up stories to friends and family as to why i havnt settled down yet. Now my friends brother is interested in me and i am scared of what will happen if we get close. Has anybody got any advice for me? I’m desperate to get out of this rut i’m in, i still see him now and again with the girl he got pregnant the same time as me and their child. I have nothing against the girl or the child but it sickens me. He just looks at me and smirks. He has tried to talk to me once but i just walked away because we were in public i knew i could get away with it. I don’t know what to do anymore 

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Kelly,

      It is terrible what your ex did to you. It is common for an abusive partner to manipulate you by telling you it’s all your fault. Abusers rarely take responsibility for their actions. You can try to change how you do things, to censor yourself, to walk on eggshells…but he/she will still have an explosive moment, because it isn’t about you doing things wrong that cause the abuse, but the abuser choosing how to treat you. It takes a lot of courage to open up and talk about what is happening; I am glad you had a friend to turn to. It sounds like you are still healing, have you thought about joining a support group or seeing a counselor? If you would like a referral you can call the Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Also, http://www.cafemom.com has a domestic violence support group online.

      Thank you for reaching out to our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  91. Travis says:

    I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I am not sure whether this
    post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my difficulty.
    You are wonderful! Thanks!

  92. Terry says:

    I have recently left an emotionally abusive relationship. Its definately a roller coster of emotions. I too am having anxiety attacks and depressed at times. It gets confusing because of the honeymoon cycle of abuse you sometimes remember the nice personality and thoughts like, “Did I make a mistake leaving?” enter my head. Its also overwhelming taking care of everything on my own as far as the financial because he delt with all of that. He was also very funny and could be very charming and thats what everyone saw except me. So they must think I’m crazy goes through my mind as well. Also if he loved me so much why couldn’t he stop after I begged him so many times. I have my good days and my bad days. I’m considering trying to find out if there is a survivors support group in the are. Its nice to know someone had the same feelings as me with the anxiety.

  93. Jenny says:

    I was in a very abusive marriage for a little over 20 years. I left him 4 1/2 years ago, but just finally got a dissolution in June of this year. He was an alcoholic and very mentally, emotionally and physically abusive to me. I quit loving myself a long time ago and my self-esteem has been really low for a really long time. I met a man, last year, and he is the greatest thing that has happened to me in a long time. We’ve lived together for a year (I moved in with him 3 months after we started hanging out) and I have slowly fallen in love with him. He treats me great and is very encouraging to me. He just has a problem with calling me his girlfriend because of everything he’s been through in his life. I can understand that he doesn’t want to get hurt because I don’t either. He says that the last time he opened his heart completely to a woman and they became boyfriend/girlfriend, she left him; well, I have no intentions of going anywhere because I love him that much. I just feel like he can’t truly love me because I don’t love myself. How do I start loving and feeling good about myself again?

  94. Jenny says:

    Darren,
    I know what you mean. I was abused mentally, physically and emotionally for 20+ years. My self-esteem is really low and I stopped loving myself a long time ago. I have finally realized that not loving myself is making it harder on people to love me and for me to have a meaningful relationship with a man I truly love. If I can’t love myself, how can I expect him to open his heart fully and love me. It really sucks and I’m tired of feeling like this. I got out of my marriage 4 1/2 years ago, but just got my dissolution in June of this year. I thought that if I got away from him, all the negative feelings that I had about myself would just disappear, but they didn’t. All the mean things he said to me through all those years are still with me & they surface all the time (things like: “you’re ugly and nobody will ever want you”, “you’re too stupid for anyone to want to be with you”) and there are times that I believe my ex was right. This is one of those times and I’m really getting depressed over it and it’s making me crazy, grouchy and rude.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Jenny,

      It is great that you are no longer living with abuse. The negative things you heard for 20+ years can definitely leave their mark. It will take time to heal, please be kind to yourself as you go through the healing process. If you are not already seeing a counselor the Hotline can find a referral for you in your city 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  95. Tara says:

    Hello all,

    I have came to a point where I need to make a decision soon. I could stay in my marriage or this could finally be my time to get out of it. My husband and I met when I was 15, he was 17. Now we are in our twenties and our relationship has been nothing but an abusive roller coaster, at least in my eyes. As a kid in my teens, before we got married when I was 18, he constantly accused me of doing something wrong. My closest friends and family witnessed the hurt I went through, the sleepless nights I spent on my phone and the moments I would leave early because I just wanted to go home to cry. No matter what he said to me, or how he treated me, I always had hope that he would love me the right way. After being married for a year, I had been choked out on the floor, thrown up against doors, kicked, jumped on, etc. This was just the physical things. I would pocket dial my friends and they would hear how he treated me, I even began recording our fights. I did this because he told me that no one would believe me and that I was crazy. To this day, when him and I fight, I get told that no one loves me, that he’ll send me back to my ‘loser’ family, that he wants a divorce because he know longer loves me, an that I won’t get a dime or anything from a divorce because his parents can afford a better lawyer. One time, he had pressed on my face using his fist so hard, that my jaw swelled to a noticeable size. I went to the dentist and suggested it could be my wisdom tooth. I wish I could have left, but like most others say, when my husband and I are good, we’re great and he’s perfect. However, when he gets mad, he’s the worst person I’ve ever known. I still feel like if I stick through this, he’ll stop, he’ll learn to love me the way I should be.

    I know what type of person I am, I’m a free spirited type of person, not much bothers me, and I’m content with living life in a simple but structured way. My husband on the other hand, he’s too serious about things and he likes to thoroughly plan things out. Regardless, the fighting is not getting any better. He does not put his hands on me like he used to however, he’ll still use his strength against me occasionally. We’re currently residing with his parents, after returning from his orders in the military. That may be why things aren’t as bad but I left over the weekend. His mom stepped in and said we needed to think about our marriage and if the two of us want to save it or not. I’m still away with my family, and my heart is torn. Right now is the perfect opportunity for us to separate, so the two of us can be happy and not go through the b/s. We are still young and I know we both deserve better. But on the other hand, familiarity is pushing me to go back to him, forgive and forget like I’ve been doing, and work with him through this and not give up on him. I don’t know what to do, I love him, I do, but I know something is wrong with our marriage, with our chemistry, but I don’t know of I have the courage to leave him. I’m not scared of him, I just love him. Any advice helps, sorry if i rambled, my mind is confused but writing helps. Thank you!!

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Tara,

      I am very glad that you reached out for guidance from our blog community. It sounds like you are in extremely dangerous realationship and choking is a very aggressive form of physical abuse. It is common for an abusive partner to manipulate the situation by telling you no one will believe you, by threatening you with legal issues, and to never take responsibility for their actions.

      It is one thing for two people in a relationship to be opposites (a free spirit and a more structured individual), but that doesn’t mean one individual has the right to put their hands on the other because of those differnces; in a healthy relationship each person would love the other because of them.

      Love does not equal choking, pushing, bruises, and hurt. It can be difficult to realize that even though you might have love for someone the way he is treating you is not okay…it is abuse.

      It sounds like you are really struggling, if you would like to talk to an advocate you can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  96. Annette says:

    Grace, I am sorry to read about what you are going through. I was in an abusive marriage for 19 years. It was hard for me to leave because I didn’t have any family around and no where to go. They only way you will be able to make that move is when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    I will never forget when I when I spoke with a Judge or Magistrate, I can’t remember now. She said, why didn’t you come to court. I told her I didn’t know what to do. She said, “you have children and I would have ordered him to leave.”. I know for a fact that the law is on yourside when it comes with Domestic Violence with children involved. Call the court system to see what is available to you in your state then come up with a safety plan.

    Let me tell you, there is no sweeter than your piece of mind. Please let us know how you are doing.

    Stay strong Grace!

  97. Annette says:

    Tara sweetheart,

    You cannot go back into that volitale relationship. If you go back, things could be worse. I am not sure if you are a christian or not, but once your husband put his hands on you, the the covenant is broken. God does not accept abuse. I know it is hard, but you can do this. I know you love him, but if he loved you, he would not abuse you. “LOVE DOES NOT HURT”. You have family and support. I was in my marriage for 19 years and had no one. That is the reason I stayed. You are still young and yes, you deserve better. You can work through this. If he changes good for him. But you have to look out for your safety.

    I am a victim/survivor and I advocate against DV here in the NC area. There is a national hotline you can call also. 800-799-SAFE(7233)

    All I can do is suggest you not go back, but it is left up to you.

    Stay Strong Tara

  98. Tara says:

    Annette,

    Thank you for your response and support! I am sorry you had to go through the abuse too, but I appreciate you taking your time to share with me and help. I was alone most of the time too, divorced parents, living with ‘friends’, and then getting married and moving to an island where I knew no one and had no real support, no where to turn or go when things got bad. Oddly enough, I have some family support now which is why I was able to get away for a few days.

    I feel good in the sense that I’ve had nothing but positivity around me in the past few days. However, I know there is a pile of unfinished business waiting for me when I return. Maybe I could suggest separate counseling for the both of us, or maybe there’s been too much violence and too many hurtful words to even try to bandage our marriage together.

    I know who my husband is, I think something must have happened between his mother and father which his anger derives from. I know he doesn’t mean to do or say the things he does, he’s cried many many times because he’s been so sorry. I think that’s why I make so many excuses for his behavior, and his temper and his quick tongue.

    I can give anybody great advice when it comes to anything but I can’t take it from anybody. The few people that know some of the stuff that’s occurred are telling me to get the heck out of this marriage. But I can’t, I know I should and I do want to. There’s a growing feeling everyday I’m away that’s telling me to go back.

    I love being myself, and I know I don’t get to be myself in my marriage. I think it’s getting worse because recently, everything my husband has said and done to me, hit me like a brick wall and I became angry with him. The past few weeks, he couldn’t say anything nice to me without me feeling angry.

    I’m trying to stay strong, taking things one minute at a time. I’ve never been one for conflict, so it makes it difficult to be the one to end this. I am Christian, I don’t know much and I don’t attend church often, but I do believe. I think the hardest thing about this is hurting my husband, I’ve never had to do this to anyone. Why is it that I, we, are the ones hurt in the relationship, and then we hurt twice as much getting out of it?

    Again, thank you for listening an supporting, and I apologize for rambling. I think you all are helping me so much, just by sharing, and sending your support. Its nice to hear that there is hope and that things can get better after this.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Tara,

      I responded to your earlier post but wanted to comment on a couple of things in regards to this post.

      Many individuals come from a home that was abusive and this may have had an impact on them, but it doesn’t create an abusive person. Abuse is a choice. They can choose to hurt their loved ones or they can choose to treat them with love and kindness. Your partner makes a choice to hurt you, so when he cries and says he is sorry…that is manipulation. Which, understandable, can be confusing.

      I think it is great that you realize that you enjoy being you. Not having to walk on eggshells and censor yourself on a daily basis. It may feel like you are hurting him, but he is the one who chose to hurt you and is now paying the consequences of his actions. If he had treated you with love, trust, respect, and freedom then you wouldn’t have to be thinking of leaving him.

      Please contact an advocate at the Hotline for further support at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  99. Kelly says:

    Ok, after reading some of these things i think maybe i’m kinda pathetic! I was in a relationship with an abusive guy 3 years ago but now i cant seem to move on or trust anybody else. He would call me names, threaten to kill me when i slept. He would say things to frighten me, he would hit me “accidentally” with things.. Doors, remote controls, my mobile phone, dvd cases.. The list goes on. He would come to my house and smash the place up because of stupid little things and make me feel guilty about it. He did all of this when my daughter was there. He once came up to my face and said through clenched teeth that just because i had a hold of my f**king kid it didn’t mean he wouldn’t punch my f**king face in then swung at me and punched a hole in the door next to my head. My little girl was only 9 months old and she had to see that. It makes me sick. He would disappear and not tell me where he was and when i worried and tried to contact him he would turn it against me. He hated me having any friends or family at my house and if he turned up and they were there he would kick off after they left. I fell pregnant with his child and lost it at 7 weeks through stress. He said i was a pathetic bitch who cant even take care of his baby and he was glad i lost it. I had to put my baby in a box and burry it in the garden, i couldn’t even go to the doctor because he said if i did he would make sure i never got pregnant again. I cant talk to anybody because i cant explain why i didnt say anything sooner. He said nobody would ever want a vile disgusting pig like me and now i’m starting to think he was right. Nothing i ever did was good enough, even down to the meals i made him or if i forgot something when i was shopping all hell would break loose. I have only ever told one friend about what really went on but i don’t want to keep bothering her with it. It was years ago but it still affects me and i have to make up stories to friends and family as to why i havnt settled down yet. Now my friends brother is interested in me and i am scared of what will happen if we get close. Has anybody got any advice for me? I’m desperate to get out of this rut i’m in, i still see him now and again with the girl he got pregnant the same time as me and their child. I have nothing against the girl or the child but it sickens me. He just looks at me and smirks. He has tried to talk to me once but i just walked away because we were in public i knew i could get away with it. I don’t know what to do anymore

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Kelly,
      Thank you for sharing your story. You’re not pathetic. Everything you described about your relationship with your ex was really violent and scary. Emotional and verbal abuse like that would make any one feel scared. It sounds like he treated you awfully. I want you to know that it’s normal for you to feel wary of getting involved with someone else or trusting them. It takes time to heal once you’re out of an abusive relationship. Have you ever talked to a counselor for support around what you went through? There may be local domestic violence programs that offer free counseling or support groups for victims and survivors of abuse. If you’d like to find out more, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-7233. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  100. Gillian says:

    Hiya my name is gillian, when I was 16 a was very bubbly outgoing n lots of friend n meet that guy at college was with that guy for 6 years and he kicked, slapping , split at my face, throw stuff at me like vodka, laptop, anything heavy, every fucking single days twice a days? Locked in for a year n got pregnant with him, he stopped I thought its over for good till a gave a birth to a baby, he’s back to his old way he knocked me out while baby in cot asleep I thought right that it enough is enough went out to shop bought a other copy key n he went to work a packed everything in, passport n everything n a ran away n never look back, he took me to courts wantin to see our wee boy and av moved different house to keep away from him but he still found me whatever am going, that’s nearly three years ago I left hI’m and a still get flash back and my boy growing up look like his dad so am pretty fucked.. N very deep dressipon , trying to get help but no one understand how I feel they keep saying get a grip they don’t know what iv been through with that bastard every days for 6 years. Am 24 years old I’m scared to go out all I want to hide away in my bedroom . That bastard need to lock up!!

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Gillian,
      Thank you for sharing your story. Your ex put you through so much. It sounds like he was both physically and emotionally abusive towards you. He never had the right to put his hands on you. Going through abuse like that can be traumatic. It’s normal to still feel upset and scared. Have you thought about talking to someone about how you feel? A lot of local domestic violence programs offer free support services to victims and survivors of abuse. If you’d like to talk to someone and find out more about local services, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are 24/7, and are anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  101. Jane says:

    I am currently seperated from my husband, who has been emotionally abusive to me for our entire 8 year marriage (together for 12 years, since I was 17). I played my parts in our disfunction for sure. My family life was great until my parents went through a malicious divorce when I was in 3rd grade. I then grew up with an emotionally absent dad and a belligerent alcoholic mom. By the time I was in jr high/high school, I was pretty much on my own with very little emotional support from my family, and the support that was there was very unhealthy. I developed multiple addictions, smoking, drinking, drugs, and an eating disorder. My senior year of high school, after a serious relationship ended, I attempted suicide. It was about this time that I met my husband. He was as emotionally mistreated growing up as I was, if not more so. His dad was very abusive to his mom.
    My dilema is that he is saying I was just as abusive to him as he was to me. I realize my thinking is very clouded as I am just starting to realize the sevarity of the situation. So I am just looking for a little clarity. In a nut shell, he was demeaning, humiliated me in front of everyone, friends, family and strangers, called me every name in the book daily (at least I think it was daily, my memory is cloudy) – stupid, worthless, pathetic, fat, ugly, b-word, c-word, “f-ing” b-word. stupid b-word. I could go on and on. There was this look on his face, this expression he would do that would just make me feel so stupid for even breathing. He critisized everything I did and said, the way I talked to people, the way I ate too loud. But here’s where I am struggling with regarding what he is saying. Over the years, I did slap him, I spit on him once, I got in his face multiple times. I was never ever violent before he emotionally abused me. His abuse escalated over the years. He started grabbing my arms, pinning me against the wall, throwing me on the ground. The last offense was him strangling me. It was brief but I was terrified. I have talked to my counselor about my parts and what I did that was wrong. In addition to the physical stuff I did, I also called him names like a-hole and jerk and worse, I’m sure. And when he would tell me (as a threat), “I could f–k any girl I wanted” and I would say in reply “they could never want anyone like you.” Again, back to my point (and sorry for being all over the place) – he is saying I was just as abusive as he was. My counselor says he is all for me taking responsibility for anything I did and said that was wrong, but that most of what I did was retaliation, and given a functional relationship, I would not have done such things. But when I talk to my husband about it and he accuses me of these things and being just as much to blame, I can’t help but feel guilty and responsible. While part of me knows this is not true, a part of me is just so confused. Is it possible that yes, I made some bad choices and did some things that were wrong, but that that is ok? I now know, no matter what I did, he has no excuse for the way he treated me. Do you have any suggestions for speaking truth to him? I don’t want to completely discredit what he is saying, because I did do those things. Yet, I don’t know how to respond in a healthy way when he turns the blame onto me.
    Thank you for any guidance you can give and thank you for your time and effort for this website.
    Sincerely and gratefully,
    Jane

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Jane,
      Thank you for contacting us. In reading your story, I’m hearing a lot of really common concerns that come up for victims of abuse when they are trying to find clarity in their situation. I agree with the thoughts you shared from your counselor. Accountability and taking responsibility for your own actions is important. At the same time, that does not mean that what you’ve experienced was in any way caused by yourself. From what you’ve shared here, it sounds like your husband was very emotionally, verbally, and physically violent towards you. Abuse is about power and control, and does tend to escalate over time. It’s not uncommon when you’ve dealt with this kind of abuse to lash out in retaliation or even self defense. That doesn’t mean that you were just as abusive as him. When he’s saying that you’re just as much to blame as he is, he’s discounting any of the abuse that he put you through himself. It’s a situation that comes up often on our calls. When we talk in more depth, what we usually find out is that in most cases where someone is concerned about mutual abuse, there was always a partner that had more power in the relationship. I don’t know if it’s safe to discuss this with him, because I don’t think you’ll find the understanding that you’re looking for. If you’d like to talk to someone in more depth about what’s going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are 24/7 and a safe place to talk about it.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  102. Debbi says:

    Pamela:

    I saw your post & saw you offered to tell your story to those of us suffering from depression from abusive marriage we got out of.

    Sure hope you get this message because I sure could use some help and your story would help me.

  103. EDDIE JO says:

    THIS STORY IS SO MUCH LIKE MINE ALMOST WANT TO ASK WHAT HIS NAME WAS., I MAY KNOW HIM. I LOST MY HUSBAND THE BEST MAN IN THE WORLD. I MARRIED AGAIN THINKING THAT HE LOVED AND CARED FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN. I WAS SO WRONG. HE BEAT ME DOWN SO MUCH
    ME LIKE YOU TRYING TO COVER IT UP. I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS WORSE AFTER YOU HAVE BEEN BEAT UP SO BAD YOU DON’T EVEN FEEL THE PAIN ANYMORE (SOMETIMES IT WAS LIKE I WAS STANDING OUTSIDE MY BODY JUST WATCHING). HIS SEXUAL ABUSE TO. ME WAS RAPE; BUT I PRETTY MUCH BLACK MY SELF OUT TILL HE FINISHED. I LIKE YOU PAYED ALL THE BILLS.
    I HAD A FOUR BEDROOM HOME, 3 VEHICLES BOAT ETC . I LOST EVERYTHING. BUT I AM LIVING IN A TRAVEL TRAILER AWAY FROM THAT DEVIL SOME CALL A MAN. BUT ITS ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS
    AND I AM NOT DOING WELL LIKE ALOT OF THESE OTHER STORIES .IM SCARED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, PANIC ATTACKS CRY ALL THE TIME. BUT IT DOES FEEL GOOD TO KNOW IT NOT JUST ME. MAYBE IT WILL GET BETTER . (I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK I WANT TO BE ME) I WANT TO BE THE SURVIVOR

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Eddie Jo,

      You are a survivor…you had the strength and courage to leave and are now free from the abuse. It is terrible the abuse you had to endure. Marital rape is a serious form of violence and is illegal. It sounds like you are still healing…it can take time, please be patient with yourself. Have you considered reaching out for help from a support group or individual counseling? If you would like further support and/or referrals locally please call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing your voice with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  104. Lindsay says:

    I just discovered this site last night and think it is wonderful. I am half way through divorcing my extremely
    abusive husband of 30 years. His favorite form of torture is verbal. After a short conversation with this guy I walk away feeling as though I’m dying from a thousand paper cuts. It got so bad in the past several months I had no choice but to leave. He never takes any responsibility for the hurt he inflicts on myself and our grown children.Luckily I have a great support system and a good friend who gave me very good advice; I went to the bank and took out half the money in our checking account, hired a divorce attorney who never doubted me when I told him about the abusive/controlling nature of my husband, opened a new credit card account based on his income, I have not had a substantial career since my kids came along. He somehow tricked me into giving up my debit/credit cards several months ago in exchange for an “allowance”. He has been on a campaign to incapacitate me for a while, taken over all my household responsibilities that have always done so well. I had my new credit card sent to a post office box I rented. It took me awhile but I finally got the combination to the safe and got my car title, birth certificate and other important docs out and put those in a safety deposit box at a different bank. I have been in my own apartment now for three weeks, it feels strange to be living alone after thirty years but I know it is the best way for me to heal. I have no feelings of guilt about his behavior. I believe he chooses to be abusive, he certainly chooses when and where to do it. This guy is a master, everyone one thinks he’s a “great guy” and can’t fathom he could be this way. His defamation of me to others is ongoing,but people will believe what they choose. I have no control over that. I am proud to say he grossly underestimated me. He wanted me to crawl away with $20 bucks, 1 pair of shoes and be thankful for air to breath.

  105. kat says:

    im seriously know what u mean BC it went on for 5 yrs for me he got charge i don’t remember how many times now since i haven’t been with him almost 2 yrs now i still get stocked from him and his girlfriend and their is an order for him to stay away from me but it doesn’t matter with them .he went to jail not for long only weekends but hes rat..but now i a nice guy but i have trust issue with him and so im always pushing him away but he doesn’t understand the way im and now we broke up..

  106. Sara says:

    I just got attacted again tonight. And I divorced my abusive EX 3 years ago… I never thought this would happen again.. But, he never left the city, he moved across the street, renting a room. He is also still an alcoholic. Im so tired right now but afraid to go to sleep.Im afraid he will kill me. I’m also afraid suffering internal damaged. He attacted me after he somehow grabbed my cell phone away because i was going to call the PO. He entered my house thru the back door. He was drunk. He also knows im off work (Im a nurse assistant at a Hospital) for 2 ruptured disc & diagnosed with cervical Spinal Stenosis. Im afraid the disc could be herniated now… The attact put me into full blown panic, i was hyperventilating, and kept trying to reach for the door. As I struggled while hyperventilating, he accused me of being “on something.” I do not drink nor do drugs. And he knows that.

    I remembered my survival trick from previous attacks. As hard as it was, i quit screaming & crying & struggling. After a few min, he said, “Quit w your fakin… Im going to watch the rest of the World Series.” He told me to get up, said “look what you did to me!” And pointed at his lip. He must of bumped it in the struggle, i mean ATTACK. But, from his mind, I started this, he somehow has entitlement walking in my house, I was the one under the influence (reminder he is an alcoholic) and then I ABUSED HIM? As he walked in the living room, i bolted out the door. He follows, I scream, and with the Grace of God, some woman was across the street and yelled for him to get the hell away from me & she’s calli.g the PO. He left– as he yelled that I punched in in the face giving him a fat lip.

    This attack is WAY smaller from all the others

    I figured out how to escape. But he will not leave me alone. Its been 3 yrs and i havent dated a soul. I met a very VERY nice GENTLEMAN who is sucessful and smart. He lives 4 houses away. I don’t go to his house in fear im being watched. I finally got the nerve up to have coffee with him tonight, on his porch. I was right. I was being watched.i do not want to cause my new friend drama…but it already happened.

    This is why im afraid he will kill me out of a “passionate rage” (i never got that term) The look I saw in his eyes tonight was pure evil. And, i must of blacked this part out from yrs ago, he said 2x “If you ever leave me for another man, I will kill you.” I am no longer his wife, nothing. Im getting a PPO asap.

    My daughter is 19 away at college. She still needs me…

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Sara,
      Thank you for contacting us. That sounds like such a scary situation. I’m glad that you were able to get away from him. No matter what, he never had the right to put his hands on you. It’s not your fault that he did that. You can tell nothing’s changed with him; he’s still blaming his abuse on you and trying to manipulate you. It sounds like even though you are divorced, he is still trying to maintain power and control over you by moving across the street. You mentioned you are going to get a PPO asap, which is something I was going to suggest. If you’d like to talk to someone about what happened, and also local resources for more support, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the Hotline. Many local domestic violence programs have a legal advocate who could help you through the process of filing a protection order. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential. Our # is 1-800-799-SAFE.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  107. Finding myself again says:

    I never had my character and words attacked so much in my entire life. I was in love and tried desperately to be belived and supported. In every turn, I was met with attacks and betrayal life no other time in my life. I wanted so badly to be belived, loved and secure. I look back and realize it was a loosing battle. I fought hard for my relationship and self esteem. Trying to have the one I love say I believe you. To be loved. I miss this person. Im depressed and have trouble getting out of my own way. I realize that we can and should never be together but why do I feel so bad? Its been five months. My heart no longer hearts but Im an emotional wreck. Any help or advice so I can find my old self again would be appreciated.

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Finding myself again,
      Thank you so much for contacting our Share Your Voice blog. What you are experiencing is completely normal following an abusive relationship. Healing from such trauma can be very difficult, which is why we suggest everyone get domestic violence counseling in the aftermath of such an experience. Processing what you went through is a very important step in your healing process. Most communities do offer free domestic violence counseling to survivors. If you’d like those referrals, you are welcome to call our hotline (800-799-7233) anytime, 24/7. Advocates there can help locate resources and also talk to you about some self care options. I’m glad to hear that you got out of the situation, but unfortunately in most cases the pain doesn’t stop there. Reaching out for help is a necessary step that I’m so glad you took. Advocates are standing by whenever you are ready to call.

      Take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  108. Sara says:

    Dear Domestic Hotline–

    Thank you so much for your reply & support. Teading that just now gave me a sigh of relief! Finally, someone will listen… I do not want to mention this to my 71 yr old Mom. She worries about me incredibly as is. I do have a wonderful fam. Plus, i hace a 19 yr old daughter in college. Im all she has– her Father ( not my ex husband) is gone forever.

    Ill be calling soon.

  109. Sharon says:

    Hi Jan,

    I just want to say that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I did not know that this guy was on crack cocaine until after the fact because I met him in Church and he does know his Bible. I thought that this was this was the guy for me. Boy was I wrong. I have a friend who was a drug dealer whom I trust with my life told me that he was a crack head and plus I do know the characteristics of a person who is on crack. I didn’t dectect all of this before I got my emotions involved with this person. He has stolen $8,000.00 off me. I am on SSDI. I doesn’t make any sense that he’s got to steal off me when he’s got a job making $9.30 an hour working 12 hour shifts. He stole my monthly bus pass upon which I pressed charges against him for that. He has had plenty of opportunities to make restitution but will not comply as a matter of fact when I confronted him about it he got nasty with me and used words in the vocabulary that I don’t care to repeat. I have called the police for a whole year because he was in my apartment and not on my lease but they didn’t want to help me either. I don’t understand because I don’t cause anybody any problems, never been in jail a day in my life, and have worked for 21 years of my life to pay taxes for them to protect and serve. I went before the judge to get a Civil Protected Order but I was denied because he has to physically hurt me which I don’t understand that either because it is just a matter of time before he hurts me or maybe even kill me. They told me that I have to get a hold of Legal Aid. He is stalking me right now by being there at the bank when I get paid to harrass me fo money to support his habit. We’ll needless to say I am at my wits end with everything. I need alot of healing and support and prayer right now.

    Thank You

    Sharon

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Sharon,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. You have been through a lot. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your partner has been abusive in many different ways. You deserve support. If you’d like help locating legal aid or other domestic violence support services, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are available 24/7 and are anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  110. Beverley says:

    Hi

    28yrs .. I was in an abusive relationship .. When I ended my relationship, I had to carry on living in the same house with him for 2 yrs … Even I do not know how I stayed strong .. I have been reading about domestic abuse and this is what has opened my eyes and made me see why I acted so strangely .. Yes I had those crazy times .. I had depression and I feel I’m suffering PTSD now .. I lost my life and people I thought were friends .. I never felt I’d be believed if I spoke out and did not know who too trust .. I was right they all turned their backs on me and he lives a normal life like nothing’s happens with his new woman .. Friends turning there backs make you feel it is you just like your abuser keeps telling you .. Even I admit I did seem crazy .. And as everyone said when I finally spoke out and said what I suffered at his hands .. We did not know but we like you both .. He is welcome back into the circle while I’m left alone which is how he planned it .. Trust is a bad thing to lose, you don’t know who to turn too for the support you need .. Being believed.. will I really be believed? After all where was my black eye or broken bones .. I would make a good actress I learnt long ago to say nothing feel nothing and pretend .. To the point no one believes me .. I was really just surviving .. I’m lucky I’ve met two MEN who have shown me how things should really be since splitting up .. They have also seen ME .. Even though I lost me many years ago .. One kept me strong throughout the 2 yrs I ended my marriage .. A real friend .. The other is here helping me heal even when he cant understand why another person would cause so much hurt .. I’m ready to talk and know I’m on the right path to recovery .. Before I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, I now know there is .. Don’t let the abuser win .. I’m not going too .. The children suffer too emotionally .. Only one thing I’d of changed and that would of been to get out a lot earlier .. It’s damaging for all

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Beverley,

      Thank you for sharing your truthful and powerful words with our blog community. I am glad to hear you have a support system in two men and that they are helping you heal. If you would like a referral for counseling or support groups in your area, please call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 and an advocate at the Hotline can help you. Please be kind and patient with yourself as you continue to heal.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  111. Hurt says:

    Hello,

    I recently just left my boyfriend of 6 years (off and on). We have 2 kids together (I am 25 and he is 26). I recently just moved cities to be closer to my mom. Thank god for my mom and my step dad who have helped me a lot, with moving expenses and getting into my own place.

    Ok so about my relationship…
    I don’t remember when the abuse started, but there has been a lot of emotional and physical abuse. It seemed to keep getting worse. Unfortunately, my children have witnessed this. They are ages 2 and 4. I know this is the RIGHT thing to do for me and my kids. BUT I am having such a hard time dealing with this. The hardest thing is that he doesn’t care that i’m gone. He doesn’t even beg me back (I know that might sound stupid). He has always cheated on me throughout our entire relationship and is a big drinker and loves to party with his friends. He would lie to me and say he was at work, turn his phone off when he would see me calling and just plain not come home. I would never get an explanation of where he was or anything and of course NEVER an apology when he would eventually come home. I have been through hell and back with him, no one can even begin to imagine. I have found underwear in his blankets…he brought a woman back to the house when i was 6 months pregnant… and the list goes on.. Sick I know. I am here alone with my 2 kids and yes i purchased a puppy before i left my other home so i wouldnt feel alone. He knew i was leaving and didnt care at all. THAT is what HURTS the most. He just doesnt care. I am so bitter and angry all the time. I feel depressed as well. Hoe can he not care? I want him to regret what he did to me and the kids. I want him to hurt like i hurt. I am so focused on what he is doing and dont know how to get away from it. I know he is out with his friends picking up girls and partying every night. Its not fair. It drives me crazy that he is out doing all of this with not a care in the world. I dont know what to do at this point. I cant get him out of my head. I KNOW i made the right decision for me and my kids, but why does it hurt so bad when he did such bad things to me? I mean do i even truly love him? How can someone love someone like that? I just want him to regret and want us back, just so i can tell him to eff off. All he had to do was stop going out and partying. How hard is that! He even attacked one of my friends while he was blackout drunk and will say now, even when hes sober, that she deserved it. I was completely sober the night that it all happened and my friend did NOTHING to provoke any of the attack. That was pretty much the breaking point for me, but im still not at my breaking point i feel like. Even writing this sounds insane and silly. But i just cant get over him and let go. He is a monster and a horrible person, but i just cant get him out of my head. The hardest thing for me is that he just doesnt care. All my friends tell me that he will regret it sooner or later and he will want his family back. He is a good looking guy and can get girls and all i think about it there is probably some different girl in his bed every night or that he already has a girlfriend. I find myself just texting him and talking shit to him. He doesnt really respond which drives me nuts. I am so sick of feeling like this. When will these feelings end?

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Hurt,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. It’s normal when you have been through about like this to feel really confused and upset. Someone who is abusive is not very likely to take responsibility for their actions or to be accountable for what they’ve done to you, which can make it feel like you don’t have any closure. It sounds like he hurt you a lot. He never had the right to put his hands on you. I know that the focus now is what he’s doing while you’re not with him, but that is outside of your control. It may help to get some support for yourself so that you can move forward in a healthy way. Try getting involved with something that you enjoy doing, like a hobby or taking a class if possible. Do things to take care of yourself when you can. It’s probably hard to find space and time to do so with two children, but maybe there’s a time where your mom can watch the kids, and you could do some ‘me time.’ Self-care is so important when trying to heal from abuse. You’re doing the right thing, and you deserve support. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, or if you’d like to find local resources for more support, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the Hotline. We are 24/7 and anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  112. Jane says:

    Thank you very much, I appreciate it. This is the most difficult time in my life and I am so grateful for websites like this and people like you that are here for us. I hope after I get healthy, I can help others as well.
    Sincerely,
    Jane

  113. Jane says:

    Thank you very much, I appreciate it. This is the most difficult time in my life and I am so grateful for websites like this and people like you that are here for us. I hope after I get healthy, I can help others as well.
    Sincerely,
    Jane

  114. Jo says:

    Hi,
    I was in a Domestic Violence relationship for 18 years before escaping. He was my first (and only) love. I was 15 when we started dating. We never married. I literally had to take our child and flee to another state, someplace I’d never been before and start over with the help of DV shelters, alone without any friends or family. My child and I also moved around a lot for the first 4 years (but have stayed in the same apartment the past 12 years). Stayed in hiding (Still am) and kept a low profile (Without that reality too obvious to your child so life feels normal to them.) That’s so much harder then people realize. Even simply things that people take for granted I had to think long and hard about and about how to do it. Like school, work, those things are trails. My child getting any recognition and what if it winds up in the paper etc. I’m like a movie of the week. It was my child that made me finally able to do all the difficult steps to escape. The minute my abuser started to drag my child into it I knew I had to leave. My reason for commenting is more about now then then though.

    I have been away from my abuser 16 years, no contact and he never found me. In all these years I never dated or ever had another boyfriend. I told myself in the early years it was the best thing for me to be alone, and the best thing for my child for me to focus on my child who was young. How I shouldn’t bring a stranger into my child’s life. Blah, blah. Well, now I’m still alone my child is in college and I realize its more then being what I thought of as responsible. I just can’t. I can’t be with anyone. I am insecure. My ex never missed a chance to put me down and I guess it did stick. I am a broken because of the abuse and I am realizing the reality of that 16 years later. I thought I was so strong all these years. If you had asked anyone they would never have guessed I struggled with the abuse even after leaving. Shelters treated me like I had it together not even making me attend mandatory meetings. I was hired to do work at some after having been at them. I left to a new state got a job where I helped others, did workshops, taught life skills! Helped people put their lives in order for years until I was laid off a couple of years ago and have not been able to get work again.

    Now, I feel overwhelmed, incompetent and find it hard to even get up the momentum to keep looking. Occasionally the bad dreams about my ex return. (I had reoccurring ones a right after and a few years after I left about him finding me and killing me and they were very graphic.) I can never find anything online about what I am experiencing now so very many years later. I can never find anything about the effects on a battered woman many years after leaving an abuser and wonder if I am just a freak beause I can’t completely move on. It seems to always linger over me like a dark shadow that’s feeling closer lately.

    Is it normal for this to be happening 16 years after leaving long time DV? What is wrong with me? It seems like its too many years later to be experiencing PTSD? But, suddenly its like all the feelings I put off are catching up to me when I thought I was doing OK and over it for so many years while my child was growing up. I am scared. I have to get a job I am living off my savings, paying for my son’s college and no longer have family bonds since having fled for so many years ago. My Parents have since passed away in the years that I’ve been hiding. I have to work. I have to find the confidence I lost. I know this yet can’t pull it out. I’m suddenly scared maybe the abuse did damage me worse then the front I’ve put up for years has shown, that front even fooled me. I could give a pep talk to anyone. I realize some of the reasons I am crashing like this. I know the abuse was wrong and damaging etc., yet knowing isn’t making me suddenly better. Knowledge isn’t power in my case. :/ It just makes me more angry at myself for these feelings now. Not probably getting over it, and for waiting too long to find love so that it became too long and getting back on the horse became too scary. (For lack of a better term:)

    Is it normally for a woman who escaped abuse to function OK for years while raising the children then one day it suddenly (well its been building for about a year now actually and getting worse) feels like all the emotional baggage she avoided dealing with for many years catches up with her and freezes her in her place especially when she can’t afford to freeze right now?

    Is this feeling 16 years later normal?

    Is it possible 16 years after leaving the abuse to have PTSD happening?

    Is it normal to have never loved again?

    I had dreams when I left. I had visions of Christmas and holidays without fights, happy, festive (Because my Ex caused fights and tears every holiday.) I swore when I left holidays would be wonderful for my child. I’d have a husband, a family, a home and we’d have a normal life. All I/we got out of that was the holidays without fights. My child and I spent every holiday alone just the 2 of us. No one to visit, no festivities. I never pictured what turned out to be reality. But there was no fights, there was no tears, and I did my best to make them the best they could be with just the two of us. (But I felt so alone. I faked it for my child.)

    I am so scared I will be alone for the rest of my life at this point. I have watched decades pass and myself age (I’m almost 50 now) and the window for love and a normal life, a life with a partner who can share the load, the ups and downs the memories of the family growing, close. And I am suddenly very scared. As scared as the day I left it all behind to flee and save my life and my child. I am afraid now that I realize not being able to be in a relationship is who I am. Its my reality. I am afraid, very afraid about what is going to happen if I don’t stop feeling paralyzed by fear about a new job, the unknown of it, and get a job where I can support myself and my child alone. My savings is disappearing. I was supposed to have that for retirement someday but its almost gone and no one is going to take care of me.

    I was always a get things done person. I survived the years as a singe Mom. Worked hard. Dedicated my life to being the best Mom. When things needed to get done I did them. Hell I left MY home, MY family to escape the abuse going to places unknown and rebuilding our lives from scratch,and suddenly now I feel paralyzed. Now 16 years later. Is it just me? Is this normal for some battered woman to feel the effects struggle with them many years later?

    Sorry for droning on. I just can’t find anything about something like this for a battered woman many years after leaving. And when she never introduced another abusive man into her life. Still being because of the long ago abuse she fled. If it is. maybe there is nothing because its not normal and its me?

    • HotlineAdmin_CH says:

      Hi Jo,
      Thank you so much for sharing you story with the Share Your Voice blog community. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you’ve had to be very strong for a long time. It is absolutely normal for someone who has not fully dealt with the trauma they’ve experienced to see those feelings reappear later in life. What you went through is going to naturally have a huge effect on your emotional state, even if you were able to push those feelings aside by distracting yourself for many years. It makes sense that now your child is gone from the home, you are experiencing these symptoms of extreme loneliness. I would suggest working with a domestic violence and/or trauma counselor to help you process what you’ve been through. If you’d like to call the hotline (800-799-7233), an advocate can help locate some free counseling resources in your community. We’re available 24/7 and would be happy to provide you with guidance and support.

      Take care,
      HotlineAdvocate_CH

  115. Maureen says:

    There is a U Visa available for immigrant women subject to abuse so they are able to leave without fear of deportation. Look into it at an immigration advocacy center as no one should live in fear.

  116. Ingrid says:

    Jan,

    I’m having second thoughts about leaving my abusive boyfriend. He began to hit me after six months into the relationship and its been 2 years that we’ve been together. After months and months of me begging him to leave, he finally left yesterday. The times that were good, we’re AMAZING which made it that much harder to give in when begging me to stay and promises he could never keep. It’s extremely hard to express how I am feeling right now. Last night, after he left, I could not stop crying. This morning I woke up and missed him being next to me. He was never verbally abusive and always sweet. But he was very jelous and when he didn’t hear what he wanted to, the fighting would begin. I would NEVER back down .. Every time he hit me, I got right back up and hit him back. We would keep going back and forth until he finally gave up. I know I did the right thing, but why do I feel so horrible about it… Maybe because i said hurtful things? I’m very confused!

  117. Ingrid says:

    — another thing we would fight about is because his daughter of 4 saw the way he treated me sometimes and she began to disrespect me. Making me feel uncomfortable about everything. Yes, she’s 4, but I cannot control how I felt.. I’m only 21 and he is 22. We are both to young to be dealing with this, idk? Like I said I’m very confused!! :/

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Ingrid,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It’s normal to feel upset and confused when ending an abusive relationship. Walking away from someone like that takes a lot of strength. Part of the abuse though is chosing the time to get upset or to be abusive towards you. One minute things are fine, and the next you could be verbally berated or worse. Then maybe that person apologizes and you want to believe that it’s going to be different. Most often with abuse, it only escalates over time; it doesn’t get any better. I’m glad that you reached out for help here. One thing that may help is to educate yourself on abuse. A good website to start is loveisrespect.org. If you’d like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are welcome to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  118. Hurt says:

    Ingrid,

    I know how you are feeling. It is normal to feel like you are having second thoughts. You did the right thing. He was probably abusive to the mother of his child and he WILL be abusive to the next girl in line. You are still young, don’t get mixed up in a relationship like this. consider yourself free. You have your whole life ahead of you. Move on and don’t look back. You don’t have any kids with him which is good so you can cut off all contact with him and leave it at that. I know it feels like the end of the world, trust me, its NOT. Do NOT blame yourself. Since you are feeling lonely and depressed go hang out with your friends, go shopping, do something that makes YOU happy. Focus on YOU. You will look back and wonder why you ever stayed in the first place. You will find happiness i promise. Stay strong. I know what you are going through and what you are feeling. I am starting to slowly, but surely feel better everyday. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

  119. Jo says:

    Hi Jan,

    You could be describing my first two years with my abuser. Fast forward 18 years. He graduated in that time to the most intense abuse. Random beatings. I could wake up to a beating there was no rhyme or reason. He was jealous and created scenarios that didn’t exist. It becomes impossible to defend against something your abuser has made up in their head. He cheated on and off I’d throw him out. He’d say he was sorry. He’d blame me. One time I threw him out after he cheated I had a new born and felt overwhelmed at the idea of him not being there with us. I chose to believe his excuse. As time went on it got to a point where I could not get him out. Once we had a child and I took him back after throwing him out for cheating he’d never get out again. I kicked myself many times through the years and abuse after for having had that one last chance to be free of him when I threw him out back then with the help of family and he actually left. My child seen his abuse of me. My abuser actually used forcing my child to see it as a form of abuse to me. The abuse was everyday at the end. And it did cover all levels across the board by then. Verbal, physical, mental and sexual. Every time they get away with it they increase the levels. The cycle goes around and around. If I’d broken up with him in the first two years and stuck to my guns though I missed him so much in the early years during breakups. If I’d done it in those first two years before having children that he could use to hurt me and hurt my child. If I’d not taken him back when I had those couple of chances where he’d actually leave. I’d have never lost decades of my life. He controlled my every move as time went on. (I lost my 20’s my 30’s and you can’t get them back.) I’d have never had to flee and lose EVERYTHING that I loved and had. I lost pets, family, my home, my possessions everything I knew to save my child and myself. If I’d didn’t take him back in the first two years when I had the chance to get him out I’d never be haunted by the past and the scars inside and out that he put on me (See above) after so many years with him. I’d have moved on to another life. A normal life. I’d have enjoyed my 20’s and 30’s and had the milestones of those decades I’d lost at the hands of my abuser. And my abuser would have been hardly a memory instead of a anchor around my neck whose memories drown me still IF I had stuck to my guns when I threw him out in the first two years.

    This is your chance to save yourself and your future. As the years march on the window closes. They became more possessive. You become more bogged down. Breaking free become much harder. They become more controlling more bold every time we forgive them. Please don’t be convinced by his declarations of change or trying to make you feel guilty even though you have done nothing wrong. The manipulation comes right out of their abusers playbook. It may hurt right now to cut ties to him and you may miss him. He had 2 years to work on you if you give him more time it will only be that much harder to leave him or get him to leave. And take my word you will wish he was gone one day if you take him back.

    Try to keep busy see friends. Do somethings you enjoy and please try to be strong. Try hard not to communicate with him. They are very good at knowing the right things to say. Wiggle their way back in. They have made it their job to know our triggers, how to work on our sympathies. Not giving them the chance to communicate with you is the only way u sally to be safe from their manipulation. Before you know it you will be over him. It doesn’t seem like it now but there will be a new man in your life one day once your free and you will be shocked to realize you don’t feel the same toward your abuser anymore. We no longer feel anything for them as we move on. It really, really does happen after some time and moving on. Please be strong. Be proud of yourself and happy for the awesome gift you just gave yourself, the gift of your future. Good luck. My heart goes out to you. I see my past in you but you still have time to stop it in time.

  120. Jo says:

    By Jan I meant Ingrid above. I misread where it said comment by and where it said Jan in the body of your comment. I’m so sorry Ingrid for that. This is only my 2nd time here so I am still figuring it out.

  121. shauna says:

    ya these men are all the same iv been in the same persision day in day out the name calling im a bitch slut a bitch prosistite and every name calling there is it gets worse wen im out im looking at oryher men he says he thinks he owns me like im suppose 2 walk with me head on the ground and wen we lived together he used 2 beat me up so much untill i could not getb outta the bed 2 call any1 i used 2 have so much bruises on me body that i used 2 say that i fell he is a dirty low life scumbag and he will pay for what he done on me gi mean i hope god lets me watch him wen he is geetting his karma si i can watch tryed 2 strangle me 2 death wen i just caught my last breathe constantly abuse and it is very painfull everyday i do wonder why i put up with all the shit it was unreal he is a pure scumbag i hope he gets wats coming 2 him 1 day controlled my every move beat me up behind the closed doors and then wen every else around would make me out 2 be the mad 1 he was a bastard pure evil bastard would nbe nice 1 inand then next killing me i hope he dies

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Shauna,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your boyfriend is very abusive towards you. There are some things that you’ve shared that are really concerning. Strangulation is especially dangerous because it can go too far very quickly. Then also, that you feel scared he is going to kill you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. If you get a safe chance, I would encourage you to call and speak with an advocate here on the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-800-799-SAFE. We are 24/7 and a safe place to talk about it. An advocate on the line could talk to you about what’s going on, and your own safety while living with this abusive partner.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  122. Katie says:

    Hi, I’m 16 and was just wondering if I could have some advice to help my step-mum
    She got out of an abusive relationship almost 10 year ago and hasn’t found a way of getting through it if I’m honest, she got married to my dad 6/7 year ago and they have difficulties agreeing with each other because of her past, and it’s becoming a lot worse lately, she has lost contact with both of her children who are now in their mid 20’s because they don’t believe her about the abuse and refuse to believe their dad could do such a thing. I’m finding it stressful seeing her upset all the time, she’s on anti-depressants and a lot of other medication but nothing seems to be working, I really fear for her marriage to my dad and for her own safety, i’m terrified what I’ll come home to one day.
    I know I can’t get her to completely forget about it but she wants to see her ex and his family again so that she can tell them how she feels about the abuse and I’m worried she’s just going to get hurt again and not get what she’s looking for

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Katie,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It sounds like you are really concerned about your step mother. She may still be dealing with the trauma of the abuse she went through, and may not be finding ways to heal and move forward. One thing that sometimes helps survivors of abuse is to get involved with a support group. It’s a space where she could hear other survivors’ stories, and see that she’s not alone in feeling like this. Alot of times when you leave an abusive relationship, it feels like you don’t have the closure you need. Confronting an abuser about their behavior often doesn’t bring the healing that people hope it would. And may even make it more unsafe for your step mother. If you’d like to share our information with her, an advocate here could always look for any local domestic violence programs that offer support groups or even individual counseling. Also, you can call and speak with someone at more length if you’d like. We are available at 1-800-799-7233.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  123. Sarah says:

    I wanted to comment on your story my name is Sarah also. I have been in a off again on again relationship for almost 6 years now. I cant get over him. It hurts so bad. I cant imagine him with someone else. I keep asking myself why from all the pain he caused me. But here I am a emotional wreck. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Sarah

  124. Beverley says:

    Katie – I can relate with your step mum – not being believed its like being abused by those who won’t except it happened – you keep quiet for so long and when you do speak up it feels like everyone has believed the abuser – I too struggle with this – what made me answer is I think you should show your step mum what you have wrote – its very touching and shows how much you care for her – it might help her to see that she has everything she needs in her family she has now – I wish you all happiness

  125. lynn says:

    My semi ex boyfriend of 5 years was/is abusive. Its weird to talk about my abusive relationship out loud… i talk about it in my head constantly its all i can think about but when i think about talking about my abusive relationship out loud, i instantly feel numb inside. i dont want anyone to know the pain. i dont want anyone to see the pain. i feel like no one would ever believe the pain. no stories, no tears, no anything could ever accurately describe just how painful and tormeting it is to be in an abusive relationship.
    Im a college graduate with a great career. i receive compliments on my “smarts” regularly. People often compliment my composure, even demeanor and mild manners. i put up the front that im laid back, happy, never stop smiling. Thats why I feel like such an idiot. If those above things are true, then how could I make such stupid decisions and be so sad on the inside? Wasnt staying in an abusive relationship for that long a stupid decision? I made that “decision” to stay thousands of times…maybe even tens of thousands of times. it was never a decision though, obviously because there was ever only one answer: ill take you back. or even worse, please dont leave me. which is also stupid. how can i tell these things to people who respect me and my intellect? i dont want people to know that when i go home i my brain turns to all consumed mush and i feel alone, angry, sad. regretful, all while secretly hoping he reaches out. just once.. its pathetic my brain tells me. but brain, why do you still hope for a phone call? its like a magnetic force, im being pulled in and pushed away at the same time and i cant break out im stuck so i just struggle between the two forces…
    Sex for him is all about the domination and humiliation of me….. its been that way since about 3 months into our relationship….and i grew to like it….now i feel like a crazy psycho that seems to like punishment………..
    verbal abuse? no doubt. he demeans my cooking, my cleaning, my bathing of my own self…. he demands perfection which is unobtainable. if i have learned one thing about him, its that he will never be satisfied, he will always find something wrong when it comes to me or my actions.
    the physical abuse has always been there since about 3 months into our relationship…however when it started it was subtle…very passive aggressive and just sly enough to appear like a non issue. but it worsened. it continued to worsen but i didnt care. i dont care still. the physical hurt never hurt as bad as my heart. sometimes i would instigate a fight just so my body could hurt the way my soul hurts. it started with shoving. lots of shoving. then it would be pinning me down, twisting my arms, spitting on me…now everything basically has occured… punches, slaps, scratches, shoves, hair pulls, pillow over face, choked, dragged around the floor, muscled out of the apt, ripped out of moving cars, head slams. took a baseball bat to my car…
    the day after the big fight, id stand in the mirror scanning for bruises, which majority of the time were there because im so fair skinned…and i would monitor them everyday and when they would start to fade i would feel sad… it doesnt seem to make sense, but its like i wanted to keep my proof, keep my scars.
    i also wanted him to notice the bruises, the swollen broken finger, the knot on the back of my head… i wanted him to see them and feel guilty and remorseful and vow to never hurt someone he loves so much that way anymore. but that never happened. and that never will happen. because he doesnt love me. he loves to use me. he loves to take and take and take and see how much more he can take from me. i often wonder why hasnt he moved on yet? his actions clearly communicate disinterest and hostility…so why does he stay? thats what torments me? why does he stay? sometimes i think he really does love me, he has to love me after all he has put up with me for so long….after so many fights..
    hes 7 yrs my senior, divorced. i was 19 when we started dating, my first serious boyfriend, definitely my first love. and i honestly cannot see myself ever loving another man. i love him so much. do i know that hes a selfish jerk/borderline sociopath? yes i do know that. do i know he has cheated on me 20+ times with at least a dozen different women, most of which where prostitutes? yes i know that too. prostitutes he paid to come over to OUR apt minutes after kissing me goodbye as i left to go to work to make money that supported the both of us, spent at his discretion of course? yes im well aware.
    these facts, these incidences of the past haunt me. i obsess over them. i mean i feel so torn up inside. he has had another gf….never bothered to break up with me first….i mean why would he? i give him shelter, clothing, sex, meals, and money. And most importantly to him, i show “tolerance” to his bad behavior by never walking away.
    Hes so charming to the world, thats what they see. But i know the monster inside, ive looked him in the eye. hes a master manipulator and im a master fool. i just needed someone to tell, someone to say something….

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Lynn,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like so much is going on and a few things you mentioned are concerning. It sounds like this is a very controlling relationship and he sounds very manipulative. It is not fair for you to be feeling this way because of his behavior. Sharing your story can be such a powerful part of the healing process. If you would like to continue sharing I invite you to contact us, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233 for guidance and referrals to local support services. We are available 24/7 and are anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  126. tia says:

    I too, have been emotionally,financial,and physically abused by my husband. His behavior started changing for three years. He would travel to Tennessee, using the excuse of visiting families but and searching for jobs but ended up cheating on me. He would spent thousands of dollars on himself and neglected his wife and children’s needs. Every trip he would take to Tennessee he would buy new clothes for himself and never for his children, and his children needed clothes. I forgave him and his behaviors hasn’t really changed and I gave him ten months but no change and for a man that does not have a job can afford to travel while his wife work to support his family and his needs. He continue to lies and believe his lies and I finally packed up the children while he was out of town in Tennesee. I find courage and strenght through faithful friends and family who support my leaving him. I children and drove 1,400 miles to get to safety for my children and I. No one believed that I could actually would leave him. and I can’t believe it either! My children misses the lifestyle that they had and I worked hard for and now we are having difficulties living with less. I hope that things will get better for us and I have to stand alone now, when my mother, father, sisters,and in-laws are turning their backs on us. I am afraid that he might come take my children from me and the order of protection can only protect me but not my children.
    Tia

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Tia,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. It sounds like you have been through so much and I am so glad you are in a safe place. It sounds like that took a lot of strength and courage to do. It may be helpful to speak with a legal advocate in your area concerning your children and the fears you have expressed. I encourage you to contact us, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. We are available 24/7 and are completely confidential and anonymous. An advocate can help offer guidance and can also connect you to local support services like a legal advocate that can answer questions about custody.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  127. Marissa says:

    Thank you for your comment. I have been semi-agonizing over leaving my mentally abusive ‘husband’ and taking our kids a couple states away from him. I still actually consider moving closer to him sk they can have easier access to their father. Why I do this baffles me. He was abusive a d is still mentally emotionally abusive. Passive agressive too. Thank goodness for long memory, journals and my mother to remind me, gut instinct, and emails like yours to save me from the same jaws death.. I need not ever risk our sanity peace and new prosperity. After 2 years after divorcing, we are still like baby plants looking to settle and plant roots. I’m so unsure of the future, but I’m pretty sure if We move back closer to him just for fair parental rights-i’d be doing the kids and myself a big disservice. One day at a time. We’re better off away from him. I don’t need to confirm my reticent suspicion that wiuld create anst and frusteration all over again. I can’t afford another set back. I can not fall asleep.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Marissa,

      Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It takes a lot of courage to make the steps you have made. It sounds like it is difficult to make this next decision, and that is definitely understandable. I encourage you to contact the National Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-SAFE to speak with an advocate and receive further guidance. We are completely anonymous and confidential and available 24/7.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  128. Noone says:

    Hi! I’m a survivor i guess… i’ve been emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically abused by my Husband whom i literally raced me since i was 19. He is my first love, my first everything, he put me in college and supported my family financially. he used my family to make me do what he wants. do this or else your family will starve. he’s 20years older than me, so i listened to whatever he tells me to do. believe it or not i do love him so much that after 9years i agrred to marry him. then he brought me in this country where he became a citizen, but when i got here, he started being physically abussive, it started from one smack, that i made my self believe maybe he’s just tired and i pissed him off its my fault. then it went on and on everyday and its getting worst. The torment went on for a year and a half. I just scape him few months ago with the help of my Family and friends that i cried for help for and my therapist and psychiatrist too who gave me advice and how to prepare myself to escape. I thought i’m already okay but there are some changes in me that i fear my self. I have the urge to go back to him but i know i cannot do that or else i’ll be good as dead. I think this is the stigma that goes with victims the attachment to their abuser. Everyday’s a struggle for me. I’m just glad that i am thousand miles away from him now, even if i want to go back there is no way that i can. I wanted to be in a support group and struggling to get into treatment to continue what i already have in California before. I’m in New York right now trying so hard to patch my life every single day… I am scared but i’m moving on… One step at a time..

    • HotlineAdmin_AM says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. You have been through so much and it’s great to hear that you are now in a safe place. It is completely normal to struggle and experience the feelings you have. Please know that you can reach out to talk about these feelings to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. It is confidential, anonymous, and available 24/7. Advocates can also find a domestic violence program in your community that offers support groups and counseling.

  129. katy says:

    my name is Katy and I just got out of a 12 year marriage were I was abused Psychically, emotionally, and mentally. I am needing advice and help.. I have pushed my love ones away almost. and I want to reconnect with them..

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Katy,
      Thank you for sharing your story and am gald that you were able to find our blog. Leaving a abusive marriage of 12 years can be very difficult. I am glad that you were able to get out safely and am sorry that you are having a hard time. I want to let you know that we are always here at the hotline 24/7 anytime that you want to talk or get resources to help you get through everything. Our number is 1-800-799-7233.

  130. cindy says:

    I agree about it being as crippling as physical abuse, in my marriage to the same man for twenty three years I suffered both including his addiction to alcohol. I then got out but went through several dating epidodes that I know would have been more abuse had I stayed. I then finally met who I thought was a wonderful man but after two years and a pregnancy I found he was an abuser emotionally and mentally and he left four months before I delivered, the hard part of that was that I truly thought I had found the man of my dreams, that whole thing again from my past, abandonment, fears, placing myself in dysfunction to avoid being alone. I then was left with a beautiful baby girl at the age of 42, having allready been a mother and raised three children I knew what I was in for it would not be easy, he is 90 thousand dollars in arrears with no help in sight as he hides all assets and has even spent time in jail for non payment. I took a year off after having her and then thought I could date again, the first man was a terrible abuser and would have began with me had I not figured out also he played me telling me to gt ready than not showing, or buying me all kinds of nice gifts to hold me in his power as time went on he started shouting and saying he could choke me etc., thankgod he knew I was on to him and he left. I then met another man and have been dating him now for seven years he actually wants marriage but all the red flags of my past haunt me and I find myself seeing his faults and not wanting it but after seven years he has me stuck in his power and a feeling of being helpless, Iam poverty level some college but no job an eight year old, the thing is he takes us on vacations etc. and then throws that at me how lucky I am and no one else will provide that and tells me if I want nice things get a JOB, he says my own family does not want me which hurts even more because I was from a broken home a drunken father a mother who used me as her scapegoat along with five siblings who I have little contact with but they all visit and get together, I have lived far away from them as I live in alaska but when I did go to visit I never felt welcome and allways had them judging me, my mother and sister even turned my oldest daughter in to doing the same as she moved right in to there town. Iam hurting beyond words, this man I am with has an addiction to alcohol and in past cocaine and even has used three times during our courting, he is also allways on porn sites and lingirie is a fetish of his, when I confront him he says he did not do anything wrong and that Iam crazy etc.. I have found emails where he has met other woman in states while traveling in a airport lounge and then invited to show a group of ladies around our state when they came on vacation, I have found craigs list ads before and he says that is because you made me mad and you were threatening me. Now my trust is zero having allready been through the cheating and alcohol and mental abuse but now that Iam older and no money and feel low I stay. Please help me to get out from this and to better myself , Iam an attractive lady with a huge heart I do not use drugs and only drink on rare occasions, he allways trys to make me drink with him, I love my daughter , I have no freinds now and my family is very distant from me, I stay because I let him make me feel I can not better myself, please help me . He humiliates me he tells me I embarrass him when I call to check on him he turns his phone off and says it was in my pocket and I did not hear it and I will call you when Iam free to talk, he buys himself all kinds of new sporting gear, skis, surf stuff allways hanging out with younger crowd , he is 55 and in good shape so he tells me I need to get in the gym etc. but emotionally and from the inside he is an alcoholic I still let him make me feel worthless though, prior to meeting him I was raising my baby and living alone but getting my independence down and just feeling better after the ordeal with her father. Sorry for so much writing but I wanted you to get a feel for how I feel living this way, even though he has never hit me he yells and tells me I have no family no job that I need to grow a brain, I live in shame.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Cindy,
      Thank you for sharing your story with us and am deeply sorry that you have been going through all of this. You do not deserve to be mistreated in any way. You took one of the most difficult steps and that is asking for help and should not feel like you live in shame because you are a victim. When you are able to and ready please give us a call at the hotline: 1-800-799-7233 and we will be there to listen to you. The hotline is always available 24/7.

  131. maureen says:

    i just learned about this site.I thought i didnt have any one to talk to . Iam 51 years old and feel as if i should know better but i find myself in yet another relationship just like the last one just a different aditction.After 20 years of abuse i finally found the strenghth to leave. i only exsists because wont give me strenght.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Dear Maureen,
      I’m so glad you found our blog. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this and no one deserves to feel alone. If we could talk together, we can talk about saftey planning, resources near you,and be supportive. Do you know about our 24/7 hotline,if not it is 1-800-799-7233. If you call, we will have time to talk over what you would like to know and be more than happy to do the best that we can to help.

  132. devorah says:

    I left my raging emotionally abusive partner 10 years ago. I was in bad shape…i was just getting out with my life and my daughters. I have rebuild a life slowly…I still have PTSD emotional reactions of shuuting down, numbing and isolating from time to time. My ex is a lawyer…so he used words and gestures, the way a boxer would use his fists1 No bruises so the abuse was very hidden…but a woman of faith, I just tried harder…until it was in compatible with even the merest survival.

    The strongest part of my story is that I never gave up…I simply did the next available best thing to reoover. Two years ago, my youngest daughter disclosed that the ex husband and her father had sexually molested her when he had joint custody just after the divorce. That disclosure was one of the two most devastating things that ever happened in my life (the other was my sister’s suicide a year after my divroce). My ex is a malignant narcisisst and he needed a new source for his “fix”. Lord, how hard that was. I don’t think that I will ever trust or date another man in my life. I was with my ex for almost 28 years.

    There is no benefit in looking back for with too much regret….it was my ex who commited the crime against our daughter, unbeknownst to me. The hopeful news is that I DID LEAVE! My daughters are finding their way in the world, and are becoming strong young wormen, with their own children….who have avoided getting into relationships with abusive men, and are living productive, kind lives. So, sometimes I am reminded of the costs of staying so long in a very abusive marriage…(he even wrote a book about what a good dad he had learned to become over the years…narcicisst are shameless!!), but much more oftern I am just glad to have my own life, my own thoughts, and making my own difference in the world…I work in health care….and I am quick to identify and provide appropriate supports for clients who are still in the thick of this dilemna. I also am quick to share info.with my health care colleagues, and to dispel myths and stereotrypes of the “type” of woman who is victimized by domestic violence. It is what I can do, and it ti a way to “pay forward” some of the love, support and prayers that I have received in my journey out of the prison that is domestic abuse. Greetings to all you other survivors and overcomers…we are all a group of women who are making a difference by saying “No more!”

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Devorah,
      Thank you for sharing your story on the blog and for saying no more. Being able to leave an abusive relationship takes plenty of courage, strength, and determination. I am glad that you are no longer a victim and are now a survivor. If you ever need to speak with anyone there are always advocates available at the hotline 24 hours a day. Our number is 1-800-799-7233.

  133. battlingconfusion says:

    Today is one of the hardest days of my life, I’m 25 with 2 children one only 2months old and today iv cut my abusive partner out my life but I’m so confused and scared, when I 1st met him he was the perfect guy in my eyes I’d never been so in love with someone ever I still do love him but I just can’t live the life I live anymore! 2nd time today police had to remove him from my home due to a neibour witnessiesing him tryin to kick my door in to gain entrance to my house only few week b4 I gained confidence to ring them when I saw the start of his heated arguements starting … Even now I cudnt / can’t tell police exactly what he’s done as I’m in fear of what may happen to my children but today the police have assured me that he’s not to come bk n if he does they will lock him up n adv to seek legal advise about restraint .
    It started of lil things to strt I was told nt to wear mke up, asked why I’d put bice clothes on, hed go out with his mates get drunk come bk n accuse me of cheatin or tlkin to otha guys when I neva went newhere I wasn’t even allowed to shop when he 1st started changing, then it was doors bein put thru,havin to txt him every few min wen I saw family jst so he knew I wasn’t doin owt dodgey n even then I’d stil return to abusive accusations, so was easier nt to even see my family I’d already given up my friends I was just a house mam all alone,n then I found out I was pregnant n hoped it wud change him n it did to start then I pushed n draged round n slaped 1x n I stuck with it coz of the baby… Next we moved to a place I’m even more alone, had a mobile thrown at my face 2x pregnant resultin in bust lips punched in thighs so my legs turned purple straight away n no matter where I went in house hed drag me bk for mre of his put dwns. After havin my son he calmed dwn agen then went bk to seein his mates all time n retunin late in earely hours demandin I let him in cook for him run baths he tuk money didn’t help with the kids n then argued at me blamin me it was me that made him how he was n I believed it for ages blamin myself until the night my son saw him drag me out of his bedroom by leg with my lip bleedin where hed thrown my phone agen. Tryin to call for help, I’d hid a spare phone tho I’m my sons room in n managed to eventually call police who had him removed but today he returned wantin to come bk. I miss the old him n my hearts broken coz feels like I’m mournin him for who he was but ii feel sick knwiin how he is… Today is the end n the beggining of a new start for me n my boys I just hope I stay strong because my heart n head or battling with each other at this moment… I mean can sum1 really change ? :'( x

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Battling Confusion,

      Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like a lot has been going on. It takes such a strong person to go through so much and continue to search for help. There are so many different ways to find help, one is contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233. This is an anonymous and confidential number that is available 24 hours a day. We can talk about what has happend and possible ways to help keep that strength up.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  134. Melissa says:

    I’m a survivor as well from emotional abuse as well as physical. It does take time to heal. I am a little over three years into it and I am finding that it is getting easier with time, although more healing is still needed. I feel so bad for the women that have survived abuse, especially on a long-term basis. It takes a lot of strength and support to slowly put the pieces back together again, and anyone that hasn’t gone through it cannot possibly understand what it is like. I am thankful to have gotten to where I am today, but there is still some healing that needs to take place. I think it can be done though with God and a good support system. I will say that I do not miss my abuser anymore and I have been declaring more and more how glad and happy I am that he is out of my life. I pray for something better every single day, and have faith it will happen eventually when I’m ready. Remember, we are survivors and the abuse is not what makes us, it is what we overcome in life that makes us. Peace and God Bless.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Hi Melissa,

      Thanks for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like you are such a strong person and it is so great you have been able to continue with your healing process. Good luck with it all.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  135. amanda says:

    I am a bit different. My husband was violent whwn we were younger. He isnt now bur I have episodes of pstd probably made worse due to the fact abused as a child. Where do I go from here when the person I tulrn to is partly responsible for m health problems. I also recently terminated a pregnancy due to anxiety. I am so sad because it really is the best our relationship has ever been :-(

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      Amanda,
      Thank you for commenting on our blog and sharing your experiences. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a difficult and stressful time; it sounds like you’ve been going through a lot. If you’d ever like to talk please don’t hesitate to give us a call at 1-800-799-7233, we’re here 24/7 for you, and we are completely confidential and anonymous.

  136. Kathy says:

    Hi my name is Kathy. I dont know if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but reading some of your stories, I think I was. He was my first, I gave him my all. We were together for 3 years. Everything was great at first, then I dont know when it started but he would control what I wore, when we got into arguments he would call me names,scream so loud that I shut down. I kept telling myself that he didnt mean it. I fell into a depression where I almost took my life. He just made me feel like I had no say, no stregth. He never laid a hand on me but his words hurt just as much. I had to end it, so I did. Even though we werent together he came around, probably to make me belieeve he changed. A year after being apart we got back together. I though that maybe he changed, that maybe I should watch what I said so he wouldnt get mad. I was stressed and sad, we where right were we left off. He used our dog against me, threating he would take him whenever he got mad. I couldnt take it anymore so we broke u and I have kept my dog. I dont see myself as a victim, I just cant believe that he was verbally abusive. How can someone who tells you that the love you, hurt you like that?

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      Kathy,
      It sounds like you went through a lot with your partner; thank you for sharing your story, reaching out is a very courageous thing to do. Understanding why a partner would be or could be abusive can be hard and hurtful to think about, but is often something we want to understand. I’m very sorry for what you went through, you didn’t deserve what he put your through. If you’d ever like to talk to one of our advocates, please don’t hesitate to call us anytime at 1-800-799-7233, we are completely confidential and anonymous, and we’re here 24/7 for you.

  137. Beverley says:

    Hi again

    I had been struggling to find out why I changed so much .. Even I felt crazy .. Recently I came across a book written by a lady who went through abuse .. As I was reading, it felt like I could of wrote it .. Every step every emotion and feelings, she to had gone through the same .. This book may help

    HEALING YOUR LIFE, RECOVERY FROM ABUSE by Candace Hennekens

    I found it helped to show me. The way I was thinking and acted happened because of the abuse and that I can stop feeling ashamed and guilty

    Its Time to sort out low self esteem for me
    no life is not perfect but I’m happier inside and it can only get better

    Hope it helps :)

  138. pooh says:

    hi I am 20 years old and in an abusive relationship. I have been with him for 3 years. I cant seem to get out. he is a sex addict..(aways cheats) and when I catch him its my fault, and I suffer the concequenes, I have lost my friends and family because I have chosen to be with him. there is something inside of my that wont let me leave. I have tried councling but it hasn’t helped. I feel like im nothing a nobody. im am looking for advice from someone that has been through the same situation. how did you leave?

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Dear Pooh,

      Sorry to hear that you feel stuck in the relationship and that you are going through a difficult time. If you are interested in resources or would like to speak with us about leaving, give us a call at 1-800-799-7233. Someone is always here to talk 24 hours a day.

  139. Beverley says:

    You leave by realising nothing can be worse than being so unhappy inside to the point you feel empty of all emotions. Knowing that it’s not easy to leave or to keep staying strong, remembering why you left. Learning and wanting to be happy then working on your self esteem . Always remembering you will have low times and keeping strong though them times. Building friendships that feel right and they understand knowing when someone is not good .. Reading others stories who have battled on and are now happy

  140. megz says:

    Hi,

    i am 25, an indain girl , and stuck in a bad relationship, need help to come out of it. would this hotline number be accessable for me ???

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Megz,

      Thank you for reaching out through the Share Your Voice Blog. Advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for guidance and support. If you would like to reach out in your local community, you can go to http://www.hotpeachpages.net for resources.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  141. Kelley says:

    This is the first time that I’ve ever heard someone say “There (is) a difference between hitting someone out of power and control…and hitting someone out of defense”…which is exactly what I started doing. Why don’t police officers know that? (that there (is) a difference). I was terrified. I was angry. I wanted the abuse to stop. I thought that if I fought back, that my husband would stop hitting me. But when I hit back, that would enrage him even more. And, to top it off, when I called for help, the responding officers wanted to take (me) to jail. They told me that I was the one causing the problems. I never did call the police again for help…and here I am, twenty years later, in the same (stupid) relationship because I can’t afford to leave. There is no help. Yes…sure….every community says there is help, but there isn’t. Temporary housing is just that…temporary. I need a permanent home. I (deserve) a safe, permanent home. I need an (affordable), safe , permanent home. I work full time, but I can’t afford to leave. And if I leave I’m responsible for half of (HIS) debts? What is that? Marriage sucks….absolutely sucks. And to top it all off, my now adult children are angry at me for not leaving. For putting them through seeing, and having to listen to, the abuse. They see me as weak. And I thought I was doing the best I could. The first time I was hit, I called my mother to see if I could come live with her until I could get back on my feet. She ( and her husband’s) reply? “No”. Friends would say “Call me if you ever need help”, so when I would call, they would tell me they didn’t want to get involved. There was no one to turn to. So I stayed. I thought at least I could show my kids what (not) to put up with…(ever). And now they’re just all angry at me. They don’t ever want to come visit because they hate their Dad and they’re angry at me for “messing up their lives”. I need a good counselor who will work with me on a sliding scale…I’d like to have a good supportive women’s group to attend, and I’d most especially like to know how to rebuild my relationship with my children (and, I’d like nice, clean, safe, CALM affordable place to move to…not housing where I’m listening to abuse all around me….and a good, cheap, better yet free, lawyer would be great too). Why is there nothing like that?! If I ever win the lottery I am opening a nice, clean, safe, quiet, calm home for women who are working, but can’t afford to leave.

    Another thing….how does one talk to an abusive person? Whatever I say, do, think, or feel it’s “wrong”.

    And how do I get him to help pay the bills? My husband says it’s my turn now…that he paid the bills when the kids were smaller…(yeah, he did, for about four years, before I started back to work). I was juggling up to three part-time jobs at a time, and three kids…(focusing on jobs where I could take the kids to work with me…kid-friendly employers) and he (still) told me I was worthless and to make myself useful. His mantras? “Get a job and start pitching in”. So I got (multiple jobs) and started “pitching in”. Then it was “Get a full-time job”. So I got a full-time job. Then it was “Get a job with benefits”. So I got a job with benefits. (Now…) it’s “Get a job that pays more, you worthless bitch”. I want to smash in his face when he calls me a bitch (and a cunt… a cunt! I HATE that word!) I hate him. I absolutely hate him. I despise him. I detest him. And everybody thinks he’s such a great guy…..(GRRRRRR).

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Kelley,

      Wow. You have endured so much. When dealing with an abusive partner you are dealing with someone who hurts you to have power and control over you. As you have seen, it doesn’t matter how much you change yourself he will still find a reason to hurt you; because it really isn’t about what you are doing “wrong” but about him making a choice to treat you that way. Even if you have heard over and over that it is all your fault that he is hurting you, that is not true. You are not doing anything to deserve being verbally or physically hurt.

      I am sorry that you are not getting the help you deserve from local law enforcement. Unfortunately, local officers may not have very much domestic violence training and therefore may not understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

      You are right that leaving can be very challenging. Yes, staying at a shelter is temporary, but it might help to think of it in a different light. It is a temporary safe place where you can stay and start saving money to get your own safe, quiet, calm home. A Hotline advocate can help you look for resources such as counseling (sliding scale or even free), support groups, legal advocates (again, either free or on a sliding scale), and shelter. You can call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for those referrals.

      Thank you for reaching out through the Share Your Voice Blog. I hope you will give us a call so we can talk further about your situation.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  142. Erica says:

    I am 13 weeks pregnant and I am scared, confused and hurt on what to do with my situation. When I get upset with my boyfriend I consistently yell at him as he ignores me, but then I may strike a nerve when I say something disrespectful to him. At that point he physically abuses me. He is very passive aggressive. Yesterday we got into an argument and he was just quiet until I struck that one nerve, he then got out of bed, grabbed by the hair. I got on the floor and tried to get into a ball to protect myself and the baby. He then stomped on my head so hard to the point that my ear was bleeding and I lost hearing for a minute or so. I went to the hospital because I was in a lot of pain and wanted to make sure there was no swelling of the brain. This is the worst its ever gotten and I know I should leave but I am so scared and hesitant to do so. Everyone thinks he’s the nicest person in the world, but no one ever sees this side of him. It comes out rarely but it should never happen. Does anyone have any advise on how to get through this? I’m scared that he’ll be abusive towards my baby too when he/she is born.

    Please help.

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      Erica,
      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. It sounds like you are in a very serious and scary situation. If you would like to talk to an advocate, please give us a call anytime. We are confidential, anonymous, and available 24/7; please give us a call when you are safe to talk.

  143. Nancy says:

    I came onto this site trying to learn how to let go of past hurts and move on because I’m having difficulty doing so. After reading so many of the posts here, I had to comment. It was like looking into a mirror and in a way, comforting to see that what I struggle with is normal. My ex husband was my best friend and never showed his temper until after marriage. Once married, he became very verbally, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Sometimes he did things in spurts, like isolating me from everyone. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house without him for a 3-month period and then it stopped. Or he’d use the car to abuse me, speeding and them slamming on the breaks, swerving on the freeway threatening to crash the car … He’d do things, big and little and lie about it. Even if it I had evidence, he’d deny it and tell me I was crazy. He played mind games like telling me he didn’t want to spend time with his family, that they abused him and then told a mutual friend that I wouldn’t allow him to spend time with his family. His rage was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. He didn’t have to hit to be terrifying and he did it in front of our kids and sometimes in public places, but for the most part, he never wanted anyone to see that side of him and was quite the charmer and well liked by many. In times of rage, he used to follow me through the house when I tried to get away from him, banging on doors and forcing his way in rooms just to scream at me, shove me or pin me down. I’ve been thrown across a room, shoved, pinned against walls, pinned down (arms held down, him sitting on top of me) with him screaming in my face so close that he was spitting on me. He forced sex on me once, with me saying “No” and trying to get him off of me and him saying “Yes” and forcing himself on me … Two days later I was in ER with a major bladder/kidney infection – Urinating blood. He denied he did anything to cause it. He denies everything he’s ever done. After I divorced him, he badgered me over the phone often, threatened to take our children, and threw temper tantrums at pick up and drop off times for visitation. There was an incident where he used road rage … following my children and I as I was driving, revving his engine over and over again and getting real close to my car – My kids screaming in the back seat, “Daddy’s going to crash into us” … There’ s really too much to list. We were divorced for three years and then he convinced me that he had changed and would go to counseling (with me) and anger management if we reconciled. (I always wanted to honor my faith and try and make keep our family together. Our religious beliefs were something he hung over me when I would try and leave. “You took vows before God, remember, ‘For better or worse’” or “Remember, til’ death do us part.” “In God’s eyes we are still married”) So, we got back together, engaged and moved in together. Promises weren’t kept, the old behavior came back and I left last year. He immediately got into another relationship with a woman he met online and married her 5 months ago. He denies everything, even us getting back together. He says I make things up and has his family (a couple of them I was close to since my parents are deceased and I don’t have family support) and friends believing him. He says we just argued and we couldn’t get along, that I’m making things up. – I slapped him a few times in self defense and he will say, “I didn’t abuse you (or the kids), I never hit you, I didn’t beat you! You slapped me!” It’s a lot of mind games. I think I could move on completely, but one our daughters have been affected by this … One of them severely. (he screamed, cussed at, bullied our kids too) She is depressed and acts out rages (like he did) and is sometimes violent. I’m getting help for her, but find that dealing with her issues keeps the hurt that we’ve gone through fresh and I don’t know how to let it go, when I’m reminded daily. If I bring anything up to him, he will tell me, “Let it go already, it’s in the past” … Also over the last year, he was distant – busy with his new relationship. He would call the kids maybe once a week and if they didn’t want to talk to him, he’d yell at me, “What kind of mother are you … “ When I told him he needed to contact them more and try and mend things he’d say, “They need to call me. It goes both ways” … Then he’d tell people I was keeping the kids away from him. And lie and say he was calling, emailing and texting often and I was ignoring his attempts to contact his children. – It’s been very hard, but I press on and was doing fairly good until recently when he started visiting the kids more. Just seeing him or hearing his voice and watching him manipulate situations are hard on me. I am going to find a support group to go to because talking to friends and counseling isn’t helping me. I think it’s because I see my daughter struggling so much. I hope she gets well soon and we can all move on in a healthy way. We have all (my 3 daughters and I) suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, but one daughter is just not recovering well, so I get very angry with my ex because he has hurt her so bad. Also, to those of you who felt bad for fighting back … When I first married, I was a quiet, calm person. I didn’t fight back, I prayed. But shortly after dealing with it day in and day out, I began to argue back and at times defend myself. I know all too well the feeling of hating myself for becoming someone I didn’t want to be. Abuse changes things – We should never have to be put in those situations in our own homes by ones who are supposed to love us. It’s not easy, but we have to learn to love and forgive ourselves.

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      Nancy,
      Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience. It sounds like you and your children have been through so much in the past few years. The ups and downs of being with an abusive person can be overwhelming and confusing, I’m so sorry to hear he put you through so much. Mind games can be a big part of emotional abuse, and attempting to use your faith to manipulate you is something he should have never done. If you’d ever like to reach out to us, our advocates are available to talk 24/7, we are completely confidential and anonymous. Please give us a call anytime if you need to talk at 1-800-799-7233.
      Again thank you for being so brave and opening up, we know reaching out and sharing what you went through isn’t always easy, we appreciate your words.

  144. Nancy says:

    Thank you! Actually it was a total of 15 years of it. Of the 15 we lived together 11 (married and not) My biggest concern now is helping my daugher overcome. When she is better, I think I will be. – – I just hope by opening up, it will do for others what coming on here did for me. – – Thank you again! I

  145. Loyalty says:

    I just saw this site and I stayed up all night reading a lot of the post.. Talk about looking at some of my reflections in life brought tears to my eyes. Earlier this year I left my abuser of 20 years (yes an on and off relationship..) I really lost a lot of respect from the few family members who stay in the same state and all of the friends I’ve had since childhood I cut off during our toxic relationship, has pretty much cut me off too..Right now I’m healing and learning how to love myself and put my family first..I just needed someone or somewhere to “Vent” and not be looked at and judged.
    From the beginning we where friends.. I got pregnant at 17 during my pregnancy I was abused by my son’s father that is when I thought I met my soul-mate…He was 7 years my senior.. He stood up for me, was there for my pregnancy and helped me after my son was born..He stood up and took care of a child that wasn’t his . (from there is when i thought I pretty much “owed” him)..Fast forward like a lot of the stories here my relationship was good even a dream.. I was very independent so I worked at times 2 full time jobs to support us.. I allowed him too much of an opportunity to do whatever. Because of work I pushed myself to have a heart attack at 24, yes 24.. Never used ANY drugs or alcohol. It took me being in the hospital to see what he was all about. He never visited me and at that time he was living a double life.. He fathered a set of twins through my recovery.. Through my trials with my health I promised myself I would not go back..Please don’t look at me as stupid because I did that myself plenty of times.. Before, I just was getting emotionally, and financially abused by him, he never put his hands on me.
    I moved on I thought, got into another relationship..Had another baby but when my ex learned about my pregnancy that is when I started seeing the crazy in him.. He basically drove my current relationship in the grave.. He jumped and stabbed my son’s father (or had something to do with it, he knew every time it happened when it happened) and made his life hell, so I cut all ties because I didn’t want my son’s father killed over me.. From then he basically PUT himself back into my life…like so many earlier post I went through the courts and law enforcement to help me, but they didn’t consider anything because he wasn’t doing it to me. Well physically, and he has a big family so my son’s father didn’t want to come forward because he feared for his life……
    So my oldest son looked up to him so i tried to make it right. I looked away from his past discretion. I tried to be positive and put the past in the past and start a new beginning with boundaries. The 1st years back together i started seeing a lot of jealousy because of my jobs, a lot of men came into my workplace.. He didn’t like that, he started calling in from his job to sit across from my job and stalk me. If I had a conversation that lasted too long for him he would call me on my work phone and tell me to get another one of my co-workers to handle them. If a guy was walking past him making a comment about me saying I was fine I started feeling it from him.. I came home to my clothes cut and thrown away but i got a new wardrobe. Sweatsuits and clothes that came with holes. Now mind you I had a good job then and people used to look at me as if I was homeless or on drugs. I lost so much weight because of stress. People who knew me didn’t want to hold conversations with me because of my appearance, all I had as far as support goes was HIS family, (My family would not have but I didn’t want them to look at me as a failure). .. I started loosing myself at that time, I was just living for my kids not for anything else.. I tried going to counseling but he was such the charmer.. He had the lady telling me I shouldn’t smile so much, things as that I should have left for him.. a smile. (later I found out he was sleeping with her). Just to know I was on the verge of ending it all because of what he was telling her and she was conveying to me… I just Quit everything, so after being told I was the one who was opening the gate for other men to flirt, I quit my job and found a better paying one driving buses. Not my dream job, but it had uniforms. That made me happy.
    Nobody wanted anything to do with me.. I found happiness in my job, strangers made me feel good. I listened to others and found other people problems hid my own unhappiness. . I started seeing a small opening in life. But all that went away when he almost quit his job to come ride with me. Of all the days a guy came on and said good morning sunshine and he told me to pull the bus over, and told everyone (about 5 people) that bus had mechanical problems and another was on the way. When everyone was off, that is when he beat me until he was tired, I was afraid of losing my job so i said i was sick and i lost balance to vomit on my way off the bus; to hide questions about bruises and me holding my stomach, so i just wanted to go home. . I went back to work after a few days and as i was getting in the car (with him) a guy co-worker said welcome back he was glad I was doing better; that is when he punched me straight in the face where i almost blacked out…
    I started looking back on my life, I got pregnant by him and miscarried because a male co-worker said your honey is here on the PA, he pulled me to his car took me to his house and put a gun in my mouth.. He didn’t let me go to the hospital that night because he knew he’ll go to jail.. Through all of this I was scared to call the police, so I found a male counselor (set up on days where he thought i helped out at my son school) and I wanted a way to get out of the relationship. I was scared if I leave on my own I would not live to see the next day ..My counselor was in the process of showing me strategies to walking away. It was hard for friends or family to see any of my abuse because he had me isolated from the world.. Nothing seemed to be working, until earlier I got half a blessing he gave me an STD… I used that to finally being free, he tried telling me how sorry he was and he wanted to die and he couldn’t live without me only to find out he was cheating on me again for a year or so..I was hurt so I told his mother that he gave me an STD,, it hurt; after he found out i told someone after he told me not to say anything to anyone he beat me up like I was a man.. In front of his family.. They was mad because they thought I was going to the extreme of leaving him behind anything, that was all the courage I needed to call the cops. His family wouldn’t testify against him and all my abuse went undocumented so they just gave me a couple years order protection. Has he violated of course are the courts doing anything NO..
    My point of writing this and sharing is 2 weeks after walking away from him and finally being free is when I found out I have cancer. It’s been 9 months I’m not bitter, he go out his way to bring his new girl anywhere where he know I’ll be. I’m tired of him making it seem like I’m mad that he moved on to everyone around him. I don’t have the time or energy anymore to fight, but I want anyone who took the time out to read this to learn from me.. Don’t let your life past before you, dealing with someone who don’t love you. Believe me you see the signs right away, don’t think “that’s so cute he’s a little jealous”. It is easy to read something and say what is wrong with her, she stupid, or she deserve it by staying.. You will never really know until you walk in our shoes. My advice Walk away before your in a situation where you can’t. Miles and States in between an abuser will not separate you.. 6 months later hopefully I’ll be here to say I’m Still Standing and my story helped someone else..I’m 37 I never had a chance to be happy or in love…I’ve learned to pray so I’ll send my prayers to those who are going through anything, please pray for me…Loyalty 2012 (*_*)

    • HotlineAdmin_AM says:

      Dear Loyalty,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. He has been abusive in so many ways and has put you through so much and it takes so much courage to share these experiences with others. I’m sorry to hear that the police and courts are not enforcing the protective order- I know that is extremely frustrating. If you would like to speak to an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, please contact us at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and it’s a confidential service. We are here to support you in whatever way we can. Best of luck with your healing!

  146. gary says:

    I was married for 13 years. The relationship slowly became very one-sided and emotionally abusive by the end. She was controlling and thought nothing of using emotion and affection or lack thereof to get me to do what she wanted. I was supposed to be there for her but she was rarely there for me.

    The last several years together she was belittling and demeaning in public towards me. The emotional manipulation and control was always going on. She chewed me out for items breaking around the house when I didn’t do it, even when she or one of the kids had broken something. At home she was explosive and I never knew when she had lash out.

    She sued for divorce. I let her. At first I was so relieved, but a couple of years later realized I was just glad to be away from her emotional games. She kept trying to control me even after the divorce. I started hanging up on her. I wouldn’t initiate conversations with her, which she couldn’t understand. She denied how she had acted and talked to me the final years of the marriage. She couldn’t understand why I stopped talking to her. Didn’t she realize she wasn’t a ‘safe’ person to talk to anymore? She abused my love and trust.

    I have come to enjoy the peace of living alone. But I realize I have a lot of emotional scarring. I trust very few people and I keep women at arms reach or further now. In a way I feel spent, used up, even though we divorced more than a decade ago. The abuse and the divorced destroyed any good memories I may have had about us.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Dear Gary,

      You have endured so much and are such a strong person. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Domestic Violence has plenty of trama and has a huge affect on all victims. I am glad that you were able to get away from the abuse and that you are now a survivor. The hotline has plenty of resources for victims and survivors of domestic violence. If you would like to look into those resources feel free to call the hotline which is available 24/7, and an advocate will be more than willing to speak with you. You can reach the hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

  147. mandy says:

    I have recently gotten out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. We have a daughter together who is only 11 months old. we were never married. I was disassociated from all my friends due to his jealousy and insecurity. He is so manipulative he has once taken my daughter away in court based on lies. We have joint custody now shared week to week, he continues to control me on both weeks. He has tracked my cell, drives by my apartment, demands he know everyone I have our daughter around. I have no life or freedom. It has come to encompass my whole being. I spend 95% of my time trying to analyze to myself that I am not as horrible as he says I am, that I really am a good person. I also have a 14 year old daughter. I find myself at times wanting to go back to him because I miss him – how in this world can I miss someone that made me feel so horrible about myself? HOW? My promise to my 14 year old that I would not go back may very well be the only thing keeping me strong! He always expected the negative of her and highly encouraged me to punish her to extremes I typically would not. I found myself doing as he said in order to prevent an argument or his disappointment in me for not agreeing with him. Please tell me how to feel better about myself. please tell me how to make myself realize I deserve better. I just retained a lawyer this week to attempt to get sole physical custody of our daughter. he often tells lies regarding being sick or having to work in order to get me to keep her on his visitation week. it doesnt appear to be about her – he is just using her as a tool over me. I must get out from under his control, I must regain my emotional security – I just dont know how. It has been 24 hours since I have replied to a text or answered the phone – and it hurts miserably. Why I dont know. It is very hard to explain how in the world I love someone that cheated on me numerous time, controlled me, verbally abused me, disassociated me from the world. He is so manipulative that he did it in a way that he didnt deman it, he managed to get me to do it simply so I wouldnt disappoint him and have to deal with that.

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      Mandy,
      Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve been through and what you’re going through now. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with from your former partner. We know that abusive people often use common children to manipulate us, control us, and often that is done through a court setting. I’m very glad to hear you’ve sought legal counsel, and hope it works in your favor. It isn’t uncommon, or wrong, to have feelings for a person who has been mean, controlling, or abusive toward you. It is a very confusing situation to go through, and abusive partners know exactly what to do and say to make it as confusing as possible. If you would ever like to talk to any of our advocates, we are completely anonymous, and confidential. We’re here 24/7 for you if you need to talk, or if you’d like any resources that might be helpful to you. Again, thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through; you sound very strong and very brave.

      – Give us a call anytime at 1-800-799-7233

  148. marissa says:

    I have been going through physical emotional and mental abuse for 10 years ive been beaten so many times i cant count .im so sad in life i dont know what to do he has broken my jaw i left for 3 months and he started to change and threatensuiicide until i went back . So im emotionally so messed up how could i go back to a man who has cheated and beat me so many times i want out so bad but for some stupid reason im afraid of what will happen to him i think he would kill himself but im slowly dieing inside.he has not hiy me again after breaking my jaw but emotionally abuses me and deep down inside im so afraid of the day he hits me again its been a year since the last physical abuse.i need help.

    • HotlineAdmin_AM says:

      Marissa,

      Thank you so much for having the strength and courage to share your story with our blog community. It sounds like you are in a very dangerous and difficult situation. The feelings you are having are completely normal, as far as being concerned about him and feeling torn. If you would ever like to talk an advocate, we are completely anonymous and confidential. We’re here 24/7 for you if you need to talk, and we can discuss options and resources that might be helpful to you. Please call when you are alone and from a safe phone, one that he does not monitor. Again, thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through. You’re not alone- please reach out to us.

      – Give us a call anytime at 1-800-799-7233

  149. Jillian says:

    I am going threw alot right now because of my recent relationship. reading others storys helps a little but are there any site i can go on and talk to other women who have had relationships like this. im strugglen alot and i need help

    • HotlineAdmin_AM says:

      Hi Jillian,

      Thank you for reaching out for help in our blog community. It’s a huge step and takes a lot of courage. We can’t recommend any specific online site, but there are many out there if you search on the internet. Please use a safe computer that your partner doesn’t have access to, like at friend’s house or at a library. If you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, we can find a support group in your area and talk about other ways you can stay strong and take care of yourself. We can also talk about some resources and options you may have. We are here 24/7 and are confidential and anonymous. Pleaes call us at 1-800-799-7233 when you are alone and safe to talk. I’m sorry we had to delete your email address because of our confidentiality and community guidelines.

  150. Tara says:

    Megan, I didn’t realize I was being abused either until I stumbled upon an article on the internet. Just like you, I didn’t think of myself as a victim of abuse. After I finally left the relationship, many memories came back and I was, then, able to see them as abuse (manipulation, lies, control-tactics, gaslighting, etc.) instead of thinking I was guilty, crazy, stupid, or just not good enough, like I did when I was in the relationship. I’m so glad you were strong enough to break free. I pray that you continue your journey toward healing.

  151. Tara says:

    I am so thankful for websites like this one! It was a site like this that enabled me to see that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. My ex-husband was a master at manipulation, control-tactics, gaslighting, and reversing blame. I was able to break free with help from family, friends, church, and continuing to educate myself about abuse. It has been 1 year and 5 months since I left and, despite a busy, happy, and fulfilling life, occassional memories of the abuse cause me to feel anger and hurt again.
    My advice: A lesson I have had to learn the hard way is that it is important to heal BEFORE entering into another relationship. Without allowing time to heal, it is very likely that you will end up in another unhealthy relationship. Emotionally unhealthy people tend to attract emotionally abusive people. Simply stated, emotionally stable men will respect you enough to give you space until you are healthy, whereas abusers take advantage of your vulnerability by moving in quickly and coming on strong. Go to websites like this one, learn the early signs of abusers, see the red flags before it is too late. Surround yourself with people you trust. Keep a journal, pray, accomplish personal goals, and educate yourself.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Tara,

      Thank you for your words of encouragement to our blog readers. Amazing that you have been a survivor for 1 year and 5 months! It is normal to have moments of hurt and fear from the past. Be kind to yourself as you continue to heal.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  152. linda linn says:

    I need to know how to forgive yourself,not hate yourself, and be able to move on after being in a physical,verbal,&emotional for 13 yrs of marriage. Please share any advice you might have because you understand. thanks,Linda

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Linda,

      It takes time to heal from an abusive relationship. I am glad you reached out to our blog community for support. There is a book, It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock that you might find beneficial in helping you move forward. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource if you are in need of support groups or counseling at the local level. Advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  153. linda linn says:

    Jillian-I feel like you do and would love to talk to other women that have gone through abuse because i am having a hard ntime moving forward

  154. linda says:

    tracie- My ex husband to be has an upcoming trial with 3 charges against him-I have been told by the police that if he is not hitting you the moment you call 911 then it is not an emergency. He abused me for years and also had this weird change in his eyes-He lies,he manipulates,and I feel like he is going to skate out of his criminal charges because he is so good at it. I will testify but I’m not quite as sadistic as he is and I am so scared he will get off the charges . I have a restraining order against him which really is a piece of paper and if he is not convicted , I will live in fear all over again-I think these men should be put away forever!!!!!!

  155. linda says:

    scared to death-I stayed in a 13 yr abusive relationship because I was too ashamed and scared to tell my family an friends- Now that I am out of the relationship, my family and friends are sooooo supportive. I wish I had gotten out a long time ago because even with good support and counseling,I am still having a hard time forgiving myself for not getting out the first time he hit me. I know it is not my fault but the years of abuse and someone telling you how worthless you are make it very hard to move on. He also alienated me from my family and friends and I let him do it. You eventually start to believe what your abuser is saying and the longer you stay, the harder things get. Pleeease get out as soon as possible because as much as I did not want to involve my family, they have saved me and your family loves you no matter what :)

  156. linda says:

    I think I can forgive myself but I can’t seem to get a grip on not wanting my abuser to be miserable or dead! I can’t forgive him and I don’t know how to move on.Please know I could never kill him even though he threatened to kill me without a problem. I want to move on without the hatred and bitterness I feel for my ex-husband to be-Are there books or blos on how to get your life back?

    • HotlineAdmin_AB says:

      Linda thank you for sharing your story. If you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, we can find a support group in your area and talk about ways you can help to take care of yourself. We can also talk about some resources and options you may use to help you through the healing process. We are here 24/7 and are confidential and anonymous. Please call us at 1-800-799-7233

  157. linda says:

    Thank you- I am going to get the book you suggested. I thank god for people who understand and care like you and your hotline.

  158. Cheryl says:

    Hi I was in a physical and emotional abusive relationship for 8 years. We were 16 when we started dating and I became pregnant soon after that. The abuse started pretty early. At that time I was t sure it was abuse. Now I look back and know it was. We had a child and the abuse got worse. He was very controlling and wanted all he could do to control me. I lost family and friends because of him. I feared him so I stayed. I was so afraid of what he would to me and my daughter if I actually left. He cheated on me the whole time with several different females. He never had a stable job and really brought nothing to me. I stayed for the same of my daughter and me. I had a retraining order places on him after I sent him to jail and I lived in my friends house for 3 days in fear of going home. Every time I left my house I was afraid he was following me. He hit me several times gave me black eyes bruises and scratches. He pulled me by my hair he punched me he kicked me what ever he could do. He would do this with y daughter there he would send her to her room and make her go away. She was so little and had to experience this. It’s now been 3 years and it still hurts every day!!! I hate myself for never leaving and making my daughter to through that every day. I am in a relationship now and it’s causing so many problems with us. I don’t trust him I over react to stuff I fight with him I talk down to him and now I’ve become the abuser and I don’t know why I don’t know if its me taking out my anger on him but he is so good to me and my daughter and we also have a son and he is great. I need some advice to help to get past my abuse. I’m still hurting bad every day from him. I wish mean hurtful things on him

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Cheryl,

      Thank you for sharing your story with us, it takes plenty of strength and courage to speak about what happened. It is natural being able not to trust someone especially since you were in a abusive relationship. You have gone through so much and are such a strong woman to be able to have survived. The hotline has plenty of resources that they can connect you with and would be more than willing to listen. When ever you are ready you can give the hotline a call at 1-800-799-7233. The hotline operates 24/7, feel free to call anytime.

  159. Audrey says:

    Im just coming out of being in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. He would yell, scream, control and get violent with me. He forced me to sleep with him about once a week for two months. Even after attempting to kick him out multiple times, It took my mother to do it, after driving six hours to come save me. Its been very hard moving on for me, and even thought I have my family with me now, when Im alone at home at night, I get so lonely and I start to miss him as my companion. I still love the old him. I need help moving on, and healing. But I think I will feel weak and shameful if I attend therapy.

    • HotlineAdmin_AB says:

      Audrey your story is very touching. It sounds like you have been through a lot. The feelings of loneliness are common among survivors. If you would like to have someone to talk to about this please give us a call at the National Domestic Violence HOTLINE, 1-800-799-7233. We are here 24 hours a day it’s confidential and anonymous when you call.

  160. Michele says:

    I am in a domestic violence situation right now i been with the guy forb6 yrs and he just did 24 days in jail for pushing me but i have endured way more this guy has busted my head open with his fist numerous times gave me stitches Im my mouth more than once drenched in lighter fluid i mean he has done alot need on Mr split on me cheated on me bullies me. The first time i ever called the cops i caught him cheating and the next day he callshhis brother the girl works at the bar done the road it was the 4th of July and he bust my mouth opened had to get stitches i had nerve called the police but in my head to be honest i felt as if i was losing control and just wanted Jim yo go to jail because i didn’t want him leaving me and being with her since then we have a kid and ibhavebcalled the cops being scared for the rightbreason is this normal. When he wrntvto jail i excepted calls from him and its driving me crazy to think he’s with someone i been trying his family all nite and he’s called.me. everyday up till he got out and has called me once not about ouour son or nothing i just want help through this process i know if i get back with him he will not change it will be the same and he’s gonna do the next to his next girlfriend it drives me crazy to thomk he’s with someone

    • HotlineAdmin_KK says:

      Michele,
      I’m so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, it sounds like a very scary and dangerous situation to be in. Your partner has no right to hurt you and be abusive to you; you deserve to be treated with love and kindness. Sharing your story and what you’ve endured shows how strong you are, and how brave. If you ever want to reach out to our hotline, we are 24/7, completely confidential and anoynmous. When you are safe to talk, give us a call and our advocates will talk with you, brainstorm with you, and try and give you as much help as possible throughout this process.

      HotlineAdvocate_KK

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  162. Edith says:

    I recently got out of a abusive relationship. My boyfriend of six months at the time beat me a fews time before I decided to leave him. Its been so hard getting over him. I became friends with his ex wife a ifew months ago. She helped me through my depression. Well two days ago she calls me early in the morning crying, telling me he beat her . She’s so depressed and hurting. I want to help her but I don’t know how even tho I know exactly how she feels. We are two different minds and what helped me might not work for her. Specially because she has two daughters with the bastard. I hope he pays for what he did to her. Unfortunately, he always gets away with everything. I really want to find some help for her and even for myself. I see the guy out and about like if nothing happend. It makes me furious.

    • HotlineAdmin_AM says:

      Dear Edith,

      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. It takes a lot of strength to leave someone abusive and it’s wonderful that you want to help your ex’s ex wife. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1.800.799.7233 to get support and information about local resources. We can talk about ways to stay strong and take care of yourself and ways you can help her, as well. It’s completely confidential and anonymous.

  163. Nena says:

    I was googling to find information or people who have been in a similar situation as mine and I came across this. I have been in a relationship with my sons father for 6 years now. He started to hit me after around a year we had been together and out son was about a month old. I got pregnant really early in our relationship it was unexpected. First it started with pushing me against the wall which led to pulling my hair which led to slapping n before I knew it getting complete beat downs in front of my my new born and my 2 year old from my previous relationship. Every time I would try to leave he’d break down crying reminding me i was all he had cause his family wanted nothing to do with him. I always came back cause I felt sorry for him. But things got harder because my family didn’t want me around as long as I was with him so we were in and out of homeless shelters for over a year. After that I got an apartment in public housing things started to calm down. He swore to me he would never lay a hand on me again which he has kept. He doesn’t threaten me but when I can tell he is starting to get angry to a certain point I will give in to whatever he wants I don’t ask him or bother him for anything he sleeps in the living room while me and my kids sleep in my room. Even though he’s not abusive anymore I have so much resentment towards him to a point where I don’t want to look at him. Last year I told him that I was going to leave him and I went to my grandmothers and he began his stalking like before and crying and threatened to kill himself so i went back. A few months ago I told him I needed some space and he can move out so we can take a break and I went to my grandmothers to give him time to pack and leave but he did nothing but kept calling my phone back to back and sending me hate messages calling me a whore that’s why I want him to leave and how he’s never going to let me go, and I heard it in his voice which gave me flash backs of what he used to do to me and what he is really capable of so to avoid bringing that side out I came back home. I am so miserable I cry myself to sleep every night because I feel stuck. Wherever I go he will follow me and even though he hasn’t put his hands on me for a few years I am so tramatized of what I went through I’m scared if I don’t give in that side will come out. I wanted to go to a domestic violence shelter but I’m not sure if I qualify because he doesn’t hit me anymore but I’m just as scared of him like when I was when he used to hit me. I can’t go to any of my family or friends the only way I’d feel safe is if I go somewhere be can’t find me. Is this still considered an abusive relationship even though he doesn’t hit me anymore?

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Nena,

      Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It must have taken so much courage to share these hurtful incidents. To answer your question, yes, this sounds like a very abusive relationship. We know that there are many types of abuse other than physical, like emotional, verbal, psychological, economical, etc. An abusive relationship is a pattern of behaviors that happen because one person is trying to gain and maintain power and control over the other, it sounds like what you have described fits the pattern that we hear about.

      It sounds like you have made so many steps to keep you and your children safe and that is definitely something to recognize. If you would like to continue this conversation and talk about a few options that may be available please feel free to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. It is completely anonymous and confidential and operates 24/7.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  164. Dhyan says:

    Hi Pamela. I guess you could say I am a domestic violence survivor as well. Growing up, .y siblings and I witnessed my father brtually beating my mother. I rememeber being about 8 when the violence got really bad. Waking up in the middle of the night to her body being thrown againt the walls or to her screams was terrible enough, but as I got older, I thought I could stop him by stepping in the middle and trying to stop him – I thought he would never lay his hands on me. I was WRONG! Any attempts to intervene were met with the same violence he unleashed on my mother. As I got older (into my tees), I urged her to leave; find safety. There was no one we could turn to. He kept us so isolated, that we had no family or friends to turn to. It was just us. In 2005, she was finally able to escape, but she was unable to take us with her. She was kept so isolated; unable to work or go to school to gain the independance she needed to survive on her own. By then I was in my freshman year of college and things went from bad to worse. My father’s full rage was taken out on me. To make things worse, my younger brother became a participant in the abuse. He saw that it was okay to hit a woman (a behavior he learned from watching my father). I was physically kicked out of the house by my father when I finally stood up to him; I said, “no that mom is gone you have no one to beat on but me.” I was no longer his punching bag. I vowed I would never let a man do to me what my father had done to my mother! Fastforward to 2007 when I met my then boyfriend, now ex. Things started out great! I was in heaven. This man treated me like a queen. I thought I had found my soul-mate. He said he like the fact that I was so reserved and quiet – what he thought was queit and reserved was me still trying to heal from the abuse. Even though I told him my story he always seemed to one-up mine. His response was, “trying being born to a crack addicted mother” or, “you always use that as an excuse! Get over it! I should have taken this as a sign, but I wanted to love and be loved again. I sought comfort in his arms even though he was just as toxic as my father. I was too blind to see this. The physical abuse didn’t come until the end of our 6 year relationship, but the emotional and verbal abuse reared its ugly head earlier on. He would tell me I was fat and compare my picture to those of his favorite female celebrities. He would have females calling his phone, claiming to be “just friends”, but the minute I had a male friend call me, I was all of a sudden “cheating on him”. The last day of our relationship ended with him throwing me out his apartment and down a flight of concrete stairs because I wouldn’t have sex with him. It is now 2013. I’m 27 years old and I still have flashbacks of my father and my ex. I still remember vividly the sounds of a body being battered, the smell of blood and my mother’s screams. I remember never being good enough in the eyes of a man who I thought would be my rock. I need help! I’ve sought help, but unfortunately where I live, you have to be suicidal or at risk for hurting someone in order to get help. I thought that by sharing my story, I could get the help I need to cope. Please help me. I feel the depression getting worse. I still wake up in tears. I still feel anger towards the men in my life that betrayed me

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Hello Dhyan,

      You are such a strong person, it takes plenty of courage and strength to stand where you are now. I want to let you know that the National Domestic Violence Hotline is always available 24 hours a day and are able to give resources to you that are located in your area. If you ever want to get help or even see what your options are please feel free to give us a call at 1-800-799-7233. We are always here to do the best that we can to help you.

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Dhyan,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. It sounds like this has been such a hurtful situation. It also sounds like you have been doing so much to try to live a healthy life. Unfortunately, people who are abusive often minimize the abuse their partner has experienced and are often very manipulative. It is definitely understandable to continue feeling the pain from what you have experienced and there is no healing timeline to follow. Healing is a process and talking to a counselor or joining a support group may be a helpful addition to your personal process. If you would like to find out more about the programs in your area and talk about a few options the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233. The hotline is available 24/7 and is anonymous and confidential. Please feel free to try it out when you feel safe to talk.

      HotlineAdvocate_SG

  165. confused says:

    I was in a abusive relationship my boyfriend would get angry with me when i would say he wants to be with someone else. I found all the proof yet he still denied it, he would go out and cheat on me then get mad cause he got caught. He got physical and then turned it around on me and said i was the cheater. I have suffered many injuries from the fights including blow out fracture to my eye. After that he got all his stuff and left, i have blamed everything on the influence of drugs he has been a myth addict for a while on and off. I have kept him out of jail, i didn’t want to have something happen to him. Maybe i should have made him go to jail at least he would be sober. I had his family try to step in and help him, that just back fired and he stopped talking to them. For the past 9 months he has kept me believing he wants to change things and try to fix us. But all he has done is played the disappearing reappearing game with me, so it has really taken a toll on my emotions. He hasn’t argued with me or gotten physical with me but when i try to talk serious he runs away, he can barely look me in the eye. I told him he is the only one that can give me the closure to what had happened to me, I’ve asked him a million things but he hasn’t answered one thing
    I’m so confused and i don’t understand! The past 5 months i will hear from him once or twice a month, and each time he will make me believe he wants to change and how sorry he is then a few hours later he has to go not to hear from him for who knows how long. I don’t hate him i have forgiven him for what has happened, I’m not a person to hold things against someone. I just don’t know how to get closure to all this, i do still love him with all my heart i know he needs help i just don’t know how to get through to him. I can’t heal or move on cause i don’t understand why he hurt me, i have to look at my face every day and see my scare and thi.nk to myself why! If i can’t get even a i never loved you, i hate you something from him, i don’t know how to start to heal from the scars left behind. I cry all the time, i have anxiety panic attacks, depression, I’m barley making it through life financially. I’m about to just collapse i have no money to even pay my rent on the first. I work full time i go to work and come home everyday, even on the weekends i stay home alone or with my kids! I have always been the person that helps others, that I’m the one that doesn’t know how to ask for help! My mind tells me one thing and my heart another, it’s hard to shut your heart off it always over rides my mind. I’m just so completely lost!!!!

    • HotlineAdmin_AB says:

      Confused thank you so much for sharing your feelings about your experience. What you are going through is difficult and recovery is hard so please take care of yourself. Don’t put a time limit on getting past your pain. It’s ok to grieve. Even though it was an abusive relationship, it is still a loss. You are allowed to feel what you feel at your pace. If you think you might be interested in counseling you can give us a call at the National Domestic Violence HOTLINE, 1-800-799-7233 we can try to help you locate an organization that offers counseling. We are here 24 hours a day it’s confidential and anonymous when you call.

  166. layla says:

    I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. I’m only 20, but this has been going on since I was a senior in high school. The first 6-7 months of our relationship were fine, but then he ended up cheating on me, and after that he became very cold and verbally abusive. We took a break for a few months and when we got back together that’s when the physical abuse started. He would accuse me of being out, or with guys, or cheating on him.. when I would never do such a thing. He would pick fights over me being friends with GIRLS. He became very controlling, to the point where he didn’t even really want me hanging around family. Everything turned into an argument. One night it got really out of control he kicked me out of his house, took my shoes, told me to walk home barefoot, threw dirt at me, pulled my hair, pushed me. I called the cops when I got home.. I was only 17.. turning 18 in just a few days, my mind wasn’t right all I could think is he didn’t mean this, he still loves me, I love him.. I can’t go through with a restraining order. So I never did it, being that I was still a minor my parents did NOT allow me to date him. Which only caused sneaking around.. I continued to sneak out and go see him. Half of it was because I wanted to, but the other half was because he threatened me with things if I didn’t go see him. My parents didn’t know what to do so when they found out it usually resulted in them taking EVERYTHING away from me, I pretty much sat in an empty room… and all that made me want to do was sneak out and see him some more. Eventually, they lost all patience, they had a talk with him, and pretty much let us do our own thing from there, that only lasted about a month. Until, he did something again.. and I “ran away” so that I didn’t have to sit in my room with just a bed and be miserable. They called the cops.. and that also caused another separation from me and him. Of course, after that, being my dumb self I continued to see him. Months down the line, it really just got out of hand.. the arguing was every single second of every single day, he called me every bad name under the sun, verbally abused me 24/7. I finally decided to break up with him one night, and when I went to get out of the car, he pulled me back in by my purse, but his hand hit me in the stomach. I didn’t know if he was trying to punch me or he just grabbed my bag and that happened. But I asked him “Did you just punch me?” and his reply was something along the lines of if he did he didn’t care. That was it, I went to the courthouse myself and filed for a restraining order. He was still 17 at the time so his parents came in the court room and spoke for him, I was 18 so I was on my own. The judge never asked me anything… he talked to him and asked him if this was what HE wanted. The judge told him that this would ruin his chances of finding a job, or getting into college. I was shocked, at the end of it.. I never got a restraining order. Only some paper that his dad signed that said he was to stay away from me for like 6 months. Once that ended.. we started talking again, and have been in touch ever since. I haven’t seen him in a year, and he claims we’re dating. I never agreed to that, I don’t know where he got it from. But everything we do is between us, no one knows anything. He still verbally abuses me, definitely not as much. Since I choose not to see him, there is no physical abuse. It’s been 3 long years of hell, and I think he is realizing he really does not give a crap about me. He used to sit at home and blow my phone up he would send 500 texts in one hour, now he sends one or two. He has a social life now and is realizing that he doesn’t care about me, he goes out with girls, god knows what he does, he parties, etc. But, if he finds out I’m having any type of social life he flips out, he threatens me, verbally abuses me, etc. It has really changed in the past year, he used to stalk me and almost like be obsessed with me, and now it’s like he could really care less. The only thing is if I tell him I’m completely done with him, and to never talk to me again.. he always says that that’s not going to ever happen. I believe he just wants control over me, he really just wants to go out and do what he wants.. but he wants to make sure I’m sitting at home doing nothing. He wants me miserable. I know he doesn’t love me. I am still dealing with the past abuse, every single day of my life. I want to be done with him forever, but the problem is I love him. Our relationship was bad, but there were also good times. My family was never supportive.. when I went through the court situations I would cry for days straight and all they would say is “I hope to god you aren’t crying because you miss him.” I don’t think they understand that just because it wasn’t a healthy relationship, I still lost someone that I had feelings for, I was going through a break up.. and definitely not a normal one. I have never been able to let my feelings out because no one can know. Right now I’m in a place in my life where I’m so upset all the time over this that I don’t want to do anything, this has literally consumed my life. Aside from the abuse.. I know he goes out and does things with girls, etc. And that hurts.. really bad.. I just want to move on. But, I still run back to him every single time.. really all I have ever wanted was for him to love me like I love him. I thought he would want to work things out, but all he does is lie and hide things. I’m really over it.. I know me and him will never work.. no one will ever accept us being together, and he will probably never change. But, I cannot help who I love or have feelings for. I have tried to hang out with other people, go out and try to have fun, spend time with family, nothing works. As soon as I go out, I just want to go home. I’m constantly checking my phone to see if he has texted me or to see what he’s doing. He is on my mind 24/7. I don’t know what to do at this point.. but obviously the best thing would be to completely cut him out of my life forever.. I just need to be strong enough to do it this time.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Layla,

      You deserve a life free from his control and abuse and I am glad that you reached out through our blog community for help. I’m sorry that your parents were not educated in the best way to help someone who is experiencing violence from their boyfriend. I’m sure they meant well, but some individuals do not understand the dynamics of dating abuse.

      It is normal to have feelings of love for him even though he is hurting you. You mention that you feel he will never change and more than likely he won’t. In the 3 years you were with him it seems that things actually escalated and got worse; until you made it a point to not see him in person. If you would like to talk further about your situation please call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 for guidance and support. Advocates can also search locally for counseling and support groups if you are interested.

      Also, http://www.loveisrespect.org is a great website for those who have been or are still in an abusive relationship. It also has tips for family on how to best support their loved one. There is a great book for family members called Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster that you might want to suggest for your parents and for you It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  167. Mark says:

    My ex fiance divorced a man that emotionally and physically abused her for 30 years. We were together for 3 years. Now she is dating a man that emotionally and physically abused her on New Year’s Eve night. She left him and a week later he called her and she went back to him. I know he is a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” but, for the life of me I can’t get that across to her. She believes his word is golden even though I told her he would do what he did to her and he did. I can’t find the right words to get through to her. I don’t want to see her end up worse than what happened on New Year’s Eve night that was just an open handed slap across the face and the verbal assault of shut up. An argument that was solely dominated by him. What can I say to her that will make it click in her head that he’s not who he says he is? What can I say to her that she’ll listen to family, friends, and myself that we’re here to support her not control her as she feels that we are doing? I feel helpless because I can’t do anything. I need help to be able to help her get out and get away.

    • HotlineAdmin_CO says:

      Mark,

      It is difficult to see a love one go through domestic violence and knowing that it will get worse. There are several things that you can do and the advocates at The National Domestic Violence Hotline will be more than happy to speak to you about them. The Hotline is available 24 hours a day, so feel free to call anytime. You can contact The Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.