National Domestic Violence Hotline Blog

RHOBH: What Kyle Sees Isn’t What Taylor Gets

Last week’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode “Otherwise Engaged” showed a particular moment that we’d like to discuss.

Kyle and her husband Mauricio attended a dinner thrown by Taylor and Russell. While a dinner between friends is common enough, there appeared to be a discomfort between the two couples. One of the reasons for this was shared by Kyle’s voice-over as she walked into the Armstrong’s home.

“Taylor will tell us things that make us not like Russell. That’s very difficult because then when we see him, he’s very polite and seems to be a nice person. It’s very confusing for everyone.”

As the viewer watching this, we know that Taylor will later come forward about Russell abusing her.

This situation between Kyle and Russell is very typical.

Often, abusive partners can be well liked by family members and friends of the victim. This is because friends and family might not see the abuse happen, and they may only ever see the kind side of the abuser.

If you find yourself in a situation like Kyle’s, know that it’s ok to be conflicted. You may like the person and not like their behaviors. It’s ok to question your feelings towards them.

We do want to point out that if you are rude or hostile towards the abusive partner, this can be used against your friend (the victim). The abusive partner can say things like, “What did you tell your friends?” or “Have you been talking about me behind my back?” and then use this situation against the person they are abusing.

Be mindful of how your actions or statements can be used to fuel the abuse.

This moment on RHOBH was significant for us because it seemed to be a red-flag moment for Kyle. She recognized that things weren’t adding up. We encourage you to call The Hotline if you need help reaching a friend experiencing abuse.

Did you see this episode? Did this moment catch your eye? Will you be tuning in tonight?

18 replies
  1. April Weidner says:

    I didnt see this episode, but i live it. For years i lived in silence and didnt tell anyone about my abuse at home, it was all emotional, and Im still under the control of this situation, feeling like i cant get out. When i finally started confiding in my friends about my husbands behavior they were surprised as well, they only had seen Nice guy when they were around, but as he got more comfortable he began letting them see and hear some of the ridiculous things he does. He gets very angry when i talk about “our” business to other people, and i would too if i acted the way that he does. Once he figures out that i have confided in a certain friend, then he gives me attitude everytime i mention them and especially if they should come around. I am being emotionally abused to the point that i think i am losing my mind, there is financial abuse as well, i use my money for all the bills and if i need extra when i run out i have to ask him for it and of course he wants to know every little penny i need it for and it is all due to his discretion. He gives me no money toward rent, utilities, nothing until the end of the month and only if i run out. Is it just me or should he be paying a part of them no matter what. I have tried to bring it up and he turns it all around and makes me feel wrong and guilty for bringing it up. I know these things logically and i know what i have to do but everytime i try he turns is around and im sitting here wondering how i will ever get out and be free from this hold he has on me. Sometimes when we fight he will say hes gonna leave and in my head im screaming please leave let me go and im crying, and then my mouth opens an tells him not to go. what is wrong with me? who does this? why cant i stand up for myself and do wat i need to do? I feel like i cant even control my words or anything anymore, that im just gonna be stuck here forever and i cant i just cant, my kids cant keep seeimg me like this? What do i do? how do i get my mind back? Please write and help me..

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Hi April,
      Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. You certainly do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated, especially not by someone who is claiming to care about you. Abuser’s focus on ways to get power and control and it definitely sounds like that is going on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are a healthy, intelligent and courageous woman living in a chaotic and abusive environment. That can sometimes make you feel as if you are crazy, but you are not! It sounds like there is a lot of painful stuff going on and if you would like to call the Hotline, we are here 24/7 and are completely confidential and anonymous. We can talk with you about the details of your situation and help you create a safety plan. We may also be able to offer you some local resources as well. Our number is 1-800-799-7233.

      HotlineAdmin_SS

  2. Danae says:

    I’m in the same position. I feel trapped and have loss myself as well. It’s been five long years and I’m tired and angry. This is our defining moment and we need to leave.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Danae,

      Your words sound very strong and brave, in that you feel this is your moment to leave. It can be scary making a plan when you feel trapped. You can call The Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. We are here to provide support, guidance, options, and resources and would welcome the chance to talk to you.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  3. Diane says:

    Hi April,
    I read your comment and I feel very concerned for you and I am wondering if any one from the hotline has gotten back to you? I’m wondering because I’ve only seen one other comment from another person in the same situation. I urge you if you have not been contacted by email about your situation to call the hotline at the number posted at the top of the web page, talk to someone about what you need.

    I know how you can feel like you are going crazy because your husband twists everything you say all around to make it seem that he is in the right and you are wrong. This is a skill abusers have and it will be hard for you to see clearly without some outside help. I know how it is to be in an emotionally abusive relationship and it’s much more difficult to figure out because there aren’t visible bruises and scrapes to show you what’s going on. My hope for you my friend is that you get help from the outside, either call the hotline and ask for a location in your community to go for help or ask for help on the hotline. There is help for you in escaping this situation, you are never stuck anywhere forever that you don’t want to be. Luckily since you are already paying most of the bills you should be able to take care of yourself and your kids without him. This is just my opinion and I am not trained to help you, so please call the hotline to get professional help. I am just a concerned woman who knows you can escape abuse by getting away from the abuser because I did just that myself and am so much better off now. You deserve to live in a happy home and you are strong enough to create one without anyone abusing you. Take care of yourself and don’t stop searching for the right agency or people to help you until you have been helped and you get out of this harmful situation
    All the best to you,
    Diane.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Diane,

      Thank you for your encouraging words. I’m sure it is empowering for those living in an abusive environment to hear how others found a way out and have moved to a happier place. Please continue to tell people in need about The Hotline and that we are here 24/7 to provide support, guidance, and resources.

      It is great that you found the strength to escape your situation. If you ever decide you would like to volunteer, feel free to call us for information about domestic violence centers in your area, 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for sharing with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  4. Diane says:

    ps. to April and Danae here is a response I found on this website at another article about domestic abuse, it says what I was trying to say about calling the hotline and more, it is written by the hotline staff to Sherri, they can help you too:

    Comment by HotlineAdmin_CH
    2011-10-30 20:40:12
    Sherri,
    I’m so sorry to hear about the pain and fear you are living in, but I am glad you are reaching out for help. It sounds like your husband has done everything he can to make you feel trapped, but I want you to know that you do have options. There are “safehouses” or domestic violence shelters all across the country that can assist you in getting your life and secrurity back. We here at The Hotline can help you find a shelter in your area and help you develop a plan to get out of the house safely. Advocates are available at (800)799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please feel free to call us whenever you can safely do so.

    Take Care,
    HotlineAdvocate_CH

  5. Jo says:

    Hi April, I am sorry to read your story and wish so much that I could help you as I can imagine how hard it is for you. I was in an abusive relationship for seven years, though I was with the abuser for ten years. I met him at school and he was my first boyfriend, the first three years were good but then greadually he started putting me down and restricting me but he covered it in love. I lived seven years of misery and unhappiness and felt trapped and then the hitting, kicking and trying to scare me started and that was horrible after he would do that he would shower me with love. It stayed our secret for seven years. It is good that you have made a step and are talking about to a friend, I never did that until the last few months. We would never talk about the emotional and physical abuse he made me suffer for seven years and I did not talk about it to anyone, I was too scared to tell people as everyone thought he was lovely and sweet as that’s the way he was in front of them so I thought they might not of believed me and I was embarrassed and in denial as I wanted a relationship like all the other relationships I saw round me. I felt like I couldn’t get out of this and felt trapped and my confidence was so low that I thought I wouldn’t be able to manage without him even though he treated me the way he did. Please don’t think you are losing your mind or that he is doing that because of you even if he blames you for the way he treats you, as I did with my abuser. It is not you, it’s all him, he wants power and control over you, that’s what abusers are like and they then tend to shower you with love after. Please don’t think you are guilty or in the wrong to want an equal life and be happy as you deserve this like anyone and like I did when I was with my abuser. I just want to tell you that you can leave him if you have some support from a councillor, a friend or family but I can’t tell you that it is straight forward or not upsetting but once you have left him, it is so much worth it, you feel like different person, you will feel so much happier and more confident though to feel like that will take time, it has taken me a couple of years though I was also nursing my dad in the first year as he was terminally ill, so I would advise you to find something to keep you really focussed once you have managed to get away, it makes me so unhappy to read similar stories to mine as I know how sad and lonely you can feel and feel that you have no way out and feel scared. I left him in December three years ago without telling him, he just knew I was going home for christmas like I usually did and then I found the courage with the support of my family to email him that I was leaving him, I could only email him as I knew that he would not listen to me if I did it face to face with him. It was so tough and I cried every day for weeks and did not know where my life would lead me now that I was jobless, homeless and without the person that led my life for me for seven years. Then I arranged to go and get all my belongings after though I had taken with me for christmas all my valuables the things that really meant something to me incase he did something to them. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel and that you can leave him, even if it’s hard to leave someone like that. Maybe you can talk to refuge or woman aid which are domestic violence organisations who help women like us and support us and guide us. Make sure you and your children are safe. I wish you all the luck in the world in leaving him and rebuilding your life. I can’t deny how hard it will be but you can do it remember that. Please try not to feel scared about doing the steps that you need to do. I’m sorry I don’t want to annoy you with anything I have written, it’s just that I know how I felt and how unhappy, trapped and lonely I felt because of my ex and it feels awful to know that other people are going through something similar. Good luck and take care.xx

    • HotlineAdmin_SS says:

      Dear Jo,

      Thank you for sharing a part of your story with our blog community. You deserve so much better than how you were treated and you are so right when you say “It is not you, it’s all him.” It took so much courage and strength for you to leave your abuser and we are so glad that you were able to get out safely. Know that if you ever need to talk, we are always here and you can contact us anytime at 1-800-799-7233.

      HotlineAdvocate_SS

  6. Megan says:

    This reminds me of my life. My husband and I have been together almost 9 years. The abuse started as I was moving in with him and was pregnant with our first child. It escalated with each pregnancy and when I became a Sahm and financially dependent on him. He controls all of “his” money. He has not hit me hut has raised his hands to me and has verbally and emotionally abused me and our 5 children. I didn’t realize what was really happening until about a year and a half ago. I’m trying to prepare myself to leave. Fortunately his in the military and we do get breaks from him. While he is gone my confidence grows, but he squashes it when he returns. I have told a few very close family members but I feel like they aren’t sure if it is as bad as I “make it sound”. They have known him all this time and have never seen any of his behavior he saves for closed doors. I feel like I waited to long and I will he blamed for making my kids grow up without a full time dad if I leave. Especially because there are no physical marks. Even though I finally know that what he is doing is wrong.

    • HotlineAdmin_MB says:

      Megan,

      I’m sorry that you are going through this, you don’t deserve it. Even though you say he hasn’t hit you, raising his hands to you is still a threat and the verbal/emotional/controlling behavior is just as hurtful. Some abusive partners are very good at putting on the normal mask for everyone except their intimate partner, which it sounds like he does for your family. There are options and we would welcome the opportunity to talk to you about those options. You can call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. It takes a lot of courage to voice what is happening, but you and your chidren deserve to be in a better environment, one filled with love and kindness. Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community.

      Hotlineadvocate_MB

  7. Sharon Dennis says:

    You have, over time integrated the belief system of learned helplessness, just like a child learns to be dependent if parents do everything for them, others learn independence when parent’s support independent behavior. As much as you instinctively know whats going on and wish him gone…. your fear of the unkown draws yu back. Only taking the jump away from his control and unlearning your helplessness will you be able to gain confidence. I know this because I’ve been there and I’m still negotiating my way away from a very dangerous husband. I was extremely independent and capable and I now believe that was appealing to him as I was considered a greater challenge. I couldn’t believe how he got my confidence so shaken. I’m fighting back! Do what you can for yourself!

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Sharon,
      Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It sounds like you are taking steps to come out of an abusive relationship and regain your confidence. Healing takes time and support, but it is possible. You are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you need to discuss with an advocate any further situations that come up with your abusive ex. We are 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  8. Sue says:

    I am nineteen. I’ve been in really good relationships, but my last one ended very badly and although I don’t like to admit it, I’m still shaken up about it. Reading the stories on this blog helps me not feel so alone. I am in a good place now, but I can relate to many women on here and I want to help stand for laws to help protect people like you. People like me.

    I was seventeen and met a woman ten years my senior at a college event. The first time we spent time together was the first time I got drunk. You’d think it’d be a red flag, but the next time we hung out, she told me about how her most recent relationship had ended with her at her ex’s workplace with a gun pressed to her temple, threatening to kill herself if she left. She told me about how they fought a lot. For some reason, I passed this off as nothing–it was not the present. I assumed by “fights” she meant harmless arguments. I thought she was different now because she was so kind and gentle and thoughtful with me. The second red flag was Halloween. Two months after we started dating, we were at a party together. I ended going on a walk with a friend and when I came back, she was furious. So furious that a friend told me not to go near her so nothing would happen. At that point, I STILL didn’t understand that what could have happened was me getting hurt physically. She’d had many run-ins with the law and had a huge amount of fines owed to the courts for mulitple DV’s and alcohol and drug-related problems. We were together for about a year when she got arrested on Halloween for warrants for her arrest. I spent the whole time she was in jail alone, trying to get her out. I was isolated from my friends and family at this point. I didn’t feel anyone cared about me but her. When she got out, we went back to working together(Her father, who was extremely abusive to her physically and financially had given us both work for his business.) The day after she got out of jail, we got in an argument that ended up with me walking away and her following me, yelling things like, “I’ll kill your dog.” When she caught up to me, She pushed me down, kicked me and hit me. I couldn’t believe something like this was happening to me. After that, I called my mom and she allowed me to stay with them while I figured out a new living situation for myself. Unfortunately, I guess I didn’t learn. A few months later, I ended up back with her because she said she was so sorry and she loved me. She never hit me after that, but she yelled at me and I would get scared and hide in my room with the door locked. She was verbally abusive and constantly bullying me into having sex.

    It was her birthday six months ago that we were drinking and having fun. After the party, we went back to my place. I was sick from drinking, so I went to bed, where she promptly came in and began harrassing me for sleeping when I promised to sleep with her. Her taunts became so infuriating that I got up and shoved her–and that was the beginning of the end. Never before had I ever fought someone. She was bigger and stronger than me. I was scared. The fight got so escalated and intense that I could see no end in sight. She would not leave me alone, would not leave, would not stop hurting me. I had a gun that I didn’t even know what to do with; just figured if I had it, she would be more apt to listen to my pleas for her to just leave. She had it from me within minutes of scrambling and more fighting. With it, she took her own life right in front of me.

    I am lucky she did not take me with her. I blame myself for ever contributing to such a drastic outcome. I wish I had listened to my friends and family when they expressed concern. I feel like I didn’t love myself enough to leave. I felt like I deserved her abuse and I was lucky to have someone like her love me. I let her manipulate me. I almost became a victim of her own self-hatred. And now, I just want to make sure I never do this to myself again. I want to share this with you because not enough people share their stories–we ALL know someone who has been abused or have been abused ourselves. I believe together, we can heal.

  9. wendy says:

    I have twice been married to mainly emotional abusers…Crazy as it sounds, I quite often wished they would just hit me…do something that SHOWS! Most people do not think that if there aren’t marks it doesn’t count…..I can tell you soooo diferent….as I just said…bring on the marks…. I have been married twice…the first, I won’t talk about…the second…honestly was the one that hurt more. I was so young the first time I married..only 22…this much I will tell you..I was a virgin when I met him..(the first hubby) He then used that against me…Because who in 1996 would be a virgen at 22??? Well…ME thta’s who! I was a good Cayholic girl and proud of it!! All I can say there is we got divorced and I remarried
    Wouldn’t you think I would have learned? Soon as I got involved with new man, he started complainin about me textin with friends….didn’t want me on phone with frinds… after marriage finally happened, then it became…who are you on the phone with…tellin me who I could talk to…then…tellin me tales of what affairs he had had with each of my friends and why woulldn’t I do what they did….Pardon my typos as I I am typin fast because it hurts even to say this stuff… I will tell the rest up til present if it will be any help to anyone…it just gets uglier from here, so I am not sure I should share….

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Wendy,
      Thank you for sharing your story with our blog community. We hear often from callers on the Hotline dealing with emotional abuse this kind of frustration that you’re feeling. It is a form of abuse we take just as seriously as any other. From what you’ve shared about your current relationship, it sounds like your partner is really controlling and emotionally abusive. Having to constantly know what you’re doing or who you’re talking to is not normal. You have a right to privacy. It can be really isolating, and make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by wanting to have friends or family in your life. If you would like to talk to someone about what’s going on, you are always welcome to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. We are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential. An advocate on the Hotline can talk to you about options and resources, and how to stay safe in your relationship.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

  10. Grace says:

    Wendy, I’ve often thought the same thing. “Just hit me already so I can get rid of you!”
    I was a virgin when I married too. Saved myself for him. Not that he appreciated it. He was plenty experienced and always has such a ridiculously huge appetite for sex. It doesn’t matter if I’m sick or exhausted from raising 3 boys on my own (because that’s woman’s work) or he’s spent the past 3 hours yelling at me, I’m supposed to put out. He’s called me a prude, d*ck tease, and other things. Says his previous girlfriends had no problems like I have. None of them was as “frigid” as I am. How can he expect me to be warm and intimate with him after abusing me? Maybe some women cling to their abuser, just begging them to show some sign of acceptance and so they actually want to put out after a fight. I react the other way. I don’t want anything to do with him. He tells me to kiss him and I want to throw up. I feel real physical pain whereever in my body he touches me. He tries to force me to “o”. I sometimes fake it so he’ll leave me alone and let me be because just telling him no isn’t enough, he won’t leave me alone. He says he knows I’ve never faked it, he’d be able to tell – hah. He says I HAVE to have sexual release, it’s unhealthy not to. I’m sure it’s even less healthy to have it forced upon me.
    He makes me feel like I’m barely a woman. I felt so strong after giving birth naturally, at home, with midwives. I was all, “I am woman, hear me roar!” I felt like I could take on the world. Of course, he had to put me down. Said I acted like I deserved some kind of award for doing what millions of women have done since the beginning of time. He said even animals do what I did and they don’t make a big deal out of it. He wanted me to birth in a hospital. I imagine he would feel more comfortable where there’s a male OB in charge, and he (husband) calls the shots instead of a homebirth with a female midwife who answers to me and lets me call the shots. But I got my homebirth anyways, twice, and it was so much better than my 1st, a hospital birth, where I was violated by a male OB. I won’t go into that here though.
    I’ve probably said enough so I’ll end now. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I was glad to read what you wrote – not glad for you, but glad that you shared it with me.

    • HotlineAdmin_RE says:

      Grace,
      I responded to another comment on a different entry on the blog, but I also wanted to address what you’ve shared here. What he’s doing is considered rape and sexual coercion. Whether he’s your husband or not, he never has the right to force you to do anything sexually that you don’t want to do. Guilt tripping and accusations are very abusive. No one is entitled to treat you like that. It’s normal to feel upset when you’re being abused like this, or to feel like you don’t want to be intimate. That’s okay. You are not any less of a person for feeling like this. You deserve to make your own decisions about sex, and to feel safe doing so. If you get a safe chance, you are always welcome to call and talk with someone at the Hotline. We are a safe place to talk and to get validation and support. We are 24/7, so you can call at any time.

      HotlineAdvocate_RE

Comments are closed.