I was afraid for my safety, afraid to be alone. I believed marriage was forever. Even though he cried ad apologized and said it would be the last time, it certainly wasn’t. I stayed too long. I finally sought a divorce after 20 years of marriage. He was no longer physically abusive, but mentally, emotionally, financially, every way except sexually. He started chasing one of my friends. That was the final straw.

Unfortunately, by this time, I was not thinking clearly. I drove under the influence of alchohol, and was arrested. He now had documentation that I was a “crazy drunk”. I signed that he was the “best interest of the children” because he told me he’d make me look like a crazy drunk in court.

I had spent 8 and a half weeks in a women’s treatment center several years before the divorce for major depression. I believe the courts should have to look at hospitalizations that are not emergency room related. I also believe judges who hear divorce cases should also have to go to victim impact to see how they often put human beings into indigency just so they can escape an abusive.

Divorces are almost always stressful times where people aren’t thinking clearly because they’ve run out of money, energy and emotional stability. My life has been ruined, and I can’t change that.

No me deja ir a comprar … no quiere que hable por telefono ni use la computadora nunca sale de la casa para vigilarme…esta situacion me esta afectando mi salud y la de mis hijos!!!

No me deja salir al parque con mi nino dice que me voy a ver con mi supuesto novia(nunca le he sido infiel …yo lo he querido mucho) pero ahora tengo miedo…

No tengo familia aqui aunque soy ya cuidadana no veo como escaparme …. no lme deja sair con el nino…vivimos en el segundo piso de su mama y no tengo escapatoria …
Me grita en las calles de Puta por atender Teacher’s conference in the evenings of parent teacher conferences cada dia llego a mi trabajo llorosa …..y cansada porque no duermo por los maltratos de este hombre pero como lme voy???

No me deja llevarme a mi hijo!!!!!
ayudenme por favor….

RIta

God never leaves us,but you need human angels now.

Find strength in Faith but tie the camels.

Peace upon your house-Lynx

My husband is a retired Wall St Banker he was witness to 9/11. He used this to control me and others. We felt sorry for him. My husband is bipolar. This was a sick game to him. When I wanted to leave he threatened suicide 9 times but when he tried he never took enough pills to really kill himself. Such drama. Each atempt he was committed in the hospital it was for 30 days. We all thought it was because of 9/11. It was manipulation as one doctor told me. He would never speak about it to anyone. He spole to me about it. I would have never thought that in a million years it was a game to him
. Of course when he returned home we would fight. It was always my fault. I was stressing him out he could not stand me standing up to him. But each time he would beat me down with cruelty. I caught him abusing my dogs. Oh my God I was in shock. He kept telling me I was crazy I saw nothing. Only a crazy person would accuse anyone of that. He yelled in protest and told me I needed to be committed.for even suggesting such a thing. He convinced me I did not see what I had just witnessed. I told his sister he told her I was just being vindictive was crazy and he needed to get away from me. He didn’t leave. he just became meaner and more abusive. I told on him and he was going to get even with me. We has another fight he tried to pushed me and throw me down the stairs. He deies it. I was all bruised my on my wrist by back and my legs big dark bruises. I ran to my room and locked the door. When I came out several hours later his made his last suicide attempt. I called 911. There were pills everywhere. Of course he lived. I had a choice to commit him or put him in jail. I put him in the hospital and filed charges. I filed for divorce. While he was in the hospital an attorney went to see a another patient. She turned out to be a Domestic Violence attorney in town (she was the one I was going to hire). He had her believing the 9/11 ordeal. She agreed to represent him in our divorce. I had a PFA against him. When he was released from the hospital he would call me from across the street or come by the window of the house to see the dogs. When I would call the police they would just ask him to leave. Everyone felt sorry for him because of 9/11. He would walk around all doped up in dirty clothes and unshaven. He looked horrible. I looked like the villain. Some one came up to me and asked me how I could do this to him. No one believed he had a mean streak in him. He was so charming so polite and nice. When II went to court for the divorce another nightmare. He showed up shaking, dirty, greasy hair, and unshaven. The first words out of his attorney’s mouth was 9/11. The judge just sat with her mouth opened. The pity only took seconds. My attorney didn’t show up. 9/11! He sent in a last minute replacement. 9/11! I was the villain. His attorney was great, She jumped all over me before I knew I was taking him back, agreeing to take care of him, after all he was helpless and suffering PTSD from 9/11. I believed it I felt so bad.
Back together again. It didn’t take long for the abuse to start all over again. Now he had fooled the police, a Domestic violence attorney, and a judge. 9/11 was he key to total control. He was flying high. We stayed together three more years. Everyday he chipped away at me. My self esteem was gone, my self respect was no where to be found and I went into a deep depression. I really believed it was me. All of this was my fault. He certainly told me enough times. 9/11 gave him clout in town, Oh the poor guy. He loved it and all along he destroying me. As I said I was also disabled he would pretend to be caring for one or two hours the rest of the time it was get out of here you make me sick. There is so much more but why drag it on anymore.
The abuse was so bad I would cry everyday. I was so hurt and I didn’t understand any of this. My husband began telling me his doctors had told him I was bipolar by the way he describe me to them. I wasn’t allowed to speak with them. I take a pink capsule for my blood pressure (lotrel) it looks identical to his prescription for Lithium. He tried so hard to get me to take them but I said no. So he would offer to get me my pills when I was in so much pain I couldn’t get out of bed. Instead of Lotrel he gave me the Lithium. I never thought he would do that. I did not know they looked so close until later.. I can’t remember what happened. I don’t believe he gave it to me everyday. But who knows. On Dec 31,2008 I attempted suicide. I was in a coma for 5 days. I wrote his name on my living room wall along with the words he did this to me. I went into the hospital that he was treated in. He told the doctors I was addicted to my pain pills and he wanted me off of them right away. My husband wanted me to suffer. He never told anyone he was giving me his colonapen ( I can’t spell sorry). He told me to take them all because I was worthless. 120 of them and the Lithium dated 12/19/08 didn’t help my judgement either. I didn’t know what was happening. The night before I attempted suicide I was at my local women in crisis shelter in Pottsville Pa. It was snowing that night. He was calling me telling me he was going to kick the dogs out in the snow and leave them or drop them off at the shelter tie them up outside until someone showed up in the morning. When that didn’t work he began to call my 71 year old mother telling her the same thing. He insisted he drive to Atlantic City and pick her up so they could drive her to the shelter. He wanted her to come in and get me. She was in such a panic she didn’t know what to do. I left the shelter and went home. I was afraid for my mother and my dogs. I did not plan on killing myself it just happened. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I took the 120 pills he gave me and to make sure I succeeded I am a diabetic so I drank 4 bottles of root beer and a half of chocolate cake. I had to have my chocolate. I kept having Flash backs of his cruelty. I could not stand him anymore.
I was treated by his doctor. His doctor told me how he spent his days and nights while he was there. He did nothing but sleep. He never spoke about 9/11. He kept telling them he could not speak about it.and go back to sleep. No groups just sleep. When I told the doctor what he had been doing to me that is when he told me I had PTSD from domestic abuse. He also asked me how I could have let him fool me that way. Oh yeah like that was an easy question to answer. The doctor told me my husband was trying very hard to have me committed for 30 days. He could not understand why. I was fine. I know it was my husbands way of getting even with me for committing in on the Domestic violence charges. Three years later he was just waiting to get even. My husband quickly convinced my family I was in the hospital because i was addicted to the pain pills. He asked them to call the hospital; and get them to keep me longer. They called. I was going to be released after two days instead I had to stay for four days. The doctors agreed I was fine. He was so mad. He came to see me one afternoon while, he was speaking to me at the lunch table some of the other patients were listening to him. When he left they asked me how I could let him speak to me like he did. I was stumped because I thought he was being nice to me. I was so use to his abuse I accepted it..
The day he picked me up from the hospital the very first thing he said to me was his sister told him I was crazy and he needed to get away from me right away. I heard that everyday. I said good when are you leaving. He was packed and his clothes were in the car. My family told him to stay and take care of me. They did not want him to leave me alone. Can you believe that? I don’t know what he was telling them but they believed him. I went to Florida to see my brother for a couple of weeks. My husband was calling me and telling he was going to get rid of the dogs he had found someone that wanted to take one of them but not the other. He refused to allow me to heal from what had just happened it was necessary to torment me everyday.

We were suppose to move to Florida I spent weeks packing the whole house. He changed his mind he didn’t want to move now. I was going crazy. My brother told him I was staying and he was going to take me to look for a place but he needed proof of an income since I was not able to work. My husband signed a letter stating he was giving me alimony and notorized it. I used that when we went for a support hearing. My husband agreed to give me much more but that was all he was going to put down on paper. Always in control.
I had to come home to sell my house he was leaving. No that didn’t happen. I do live in a lot of pain. I have two herniated discs in my neck, one in my back, diabetic neuropathy, severe fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, diabetes some other things I can’t remember right now. I am explaining the pain for a reason. The doctors did not give me anything for pain except Lyrica. Another chapter. My husband gave me his pain pills. He made me dependant on him as long as he was around I would not suffer.in any pain. I tried to do without them but I was in to much pain, So I need him again.
The abuse started all over. He would say I want to leave but you can’t do anything for yourself so I have to stay. Your family is making me. Then he began to tell me if I didn’t behave the way he wanted me to he would have me committed. I had to obey or. He was so controlling and so cruel. He expected me to take his abuse because I was disabled. One day he told me he was glad I was there for him when he needed me.. I was so good to him. No one in his family ever helped him during the 9/11 days. No one else cared except me. I thought that was so nice.then he said but I am going to take the cowards way out. I can’t take care of you because my sister can give me a better life then you can. Taking care of you is to stressful for me. I didn’t do anything. I stayed in my room. It made him sick to look at me. I had gotten old and lost my looks. The next morning I told him to get out. He told me he ran into a close friend of his from New York. his friend had been in jail for murder. He told my husband that if he had any problems or needed anything taken care of he would do it for him for free. He also told me his kids would come after me if I started anything. I believe every word that he said. His son has been in jail for domestic violence. he beat his girlfriend. I believe the story about his friend because he used to brag about him when we were first married.
I filed for a PFA after he left. The same judge that we went before for in the divorce did the PFA hearing. She kept looking for him in the courtroom. She could not believe he did not show up to defend himself. The police treat me like I am the town nut because of the suicide. It also appears my husband had been telling people I was crazy for years. 9/11 and his charm still have people fooled. I stay up at night watching my car. It is 17 years old with 192,000 miles on it. The brakes have gone out on it 4 times in the past year. When I told the police chief he was so rude to me. That is OK My abuser is gone.
My husband does pay me support yet I still owe $700 a month in bills with no way to pay them. He does not pay what he told me he was going to pay. I had to sign a support agreement because he told me he would not give me a penny of I did not. I don’t have the money for an attorney. I still have to beg him for money every month. just to hear him say no. This month and next month my taxes and home insurance car insurance are due. I have to do without food many many times, I told him I need money for oil he said no. Last month he made me go without insulin for 4 days he would not send me the money for it. I am still at his mercy.
My crisis center has applied for a grant for me for a divorce but it had been four months already and I am loosing hope. I wish I were not disabled because I would have a job so I would have to be treated this way. I have been through hell with this man and I still have to treated this way. Sticks and stones may or may not break your bones but words do hurt forever. How do you learn to trust again?

Thanks,
W