National Domestic Violence Hotline Blog

Lost Faith, Abused, Raped and Hopeless…

The following blog entry was written by survivor Ren R. Royal, author of Lost Faith to Living Faith. Click here for more information on the book or to purchase a copy.

There were many times when I suffered from the corrupt evils that exist in the world. I am a victim of rape, abuse and violence.

For several years I was without a car and had to walk everywhere through all kinds of weather. At that time, there was no bus transportation where I lived. I lived in a very bad part of town. I had to walk to the laundromat a couple miles to do the laundry. I disliked going to the laundromat; clothes seemed to always get stolen the minute you turned around. As I walked to the laundromat one day, a car drove by. Several men with weapons, knives, and a gun got out of the car and raped me, beat me, put me in the trunk of a car, and then threw me in a ditch to die.

During such horrific times, it is difficult to feel God’s prevailing love. It is difficult to call out to God or cling to God’s Word. My heart did not feel God’s presence or help during the time of attack. The power of sin had its hold over me. I needed human embrace, comfort, and a shoulder to cry on. I suffered alone and became lost in my own pain.

This is just one story out of the five times I have been raped and/or brutally beaten. These traumatic violations tore at me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Life on Earth became unbearable. I wanted to die and be with God in heaven where there was no more pain. I wanted the pain to end. My only peace came through prayers of death to God.

I was ignorant and did not know shelters even existed at the time; however, at the time I felt so hopeless and in such pain that I did not care anyway.

Unfortunately statistics are high in rape, violence, and abuse, and most go unreported. One sexual assault occurs every 127 seconds, or about one every two minutes. Sexual assault is the most under reported crime, with 60 percent still being left unreported. Fifteen out of 16 attackers walk free.

My tears of pain have fallen for years, unseen tears left hidden in the darkness.  At the time, I had no friends or support, no shoulder to cry on, no person to call, and no hug or smile to hold on to.

I later discovered that no matter how great our pain is, God’s love is even greater. And then I wrote a book about it – Lost Faith to Living Faith by Ren R. Royal.

9 replies
  1. j says:

    I am having a very difficult time at dealing, accepting, and understanding why
    I became a victim of rape and violence. it is so hard to comprehend. I feel
    Stuck and held down. I think its something I will never understand. But after
    Reading your story I feel as if maybe I will be ok again.your story kind of
    Gave me a little push in realizing that maybe God’s love can heal me and
    will take care of me.but then I keep wondering and asking myself…why did
    He allow this to happen to me?…I feel awful for thinking that way but I can’t help it.I feel like
    I have been stripped of everything and feel so little.I just really want to feel like a woman.

    • Angela says:

      hello I feel the same way about what you are saying I had that same incident with a guy last year in 2008…he was belittling me and making me feel small and new he was tryign to get me up to bed to rape me and what not telling me I wasnt worth it…he wrote me letters and he even made me feel like I was the one that messed up…good luck peace

    • Ren says:

      These mens power over us, like a plague, that seek to destroy us, don’t have to destroy us. That is what my book is about. I let these men destroy me, but then I knew that God did NOT do these things, there is evil as well as good, and man did these things, not God. I found God’s prevailing love is stronger than this power these men think they have over us, or that we even think they have over us. There are women in different countries who are raped and they are stoned to death for being raped. We in America have the chance to heal, we can heal together, you don’t have to do this alone, when I found other women who shared the same kinds of stories, I learned through their love, God’s love. I thank God that I can heal – and that my prayers are no longer ” I want to die” because of these men, but instead, “I thank God that I can live today.” Please call and reach out, you are not alone. Read my book, I hope that it will help you. Ren Royal

    • Ren says:

      I have one more comment for j – Don’t feel bad if right now you feel as though you maybe can believe God’s power is stronger– I am a preacher’s daughter, and I felt even WORSE for not having the faith that I thought I should have had. During the times I was hurt and in suffering, that even made me feel worse, and kept me further away from people and society. I am not an island, and I needed help. In a hospital, I once found a Christian therapist, and had no money, and she told me to work at shelters as her payment, and that changed my life! I found in shelters a bonding love, of women who shared the same pain, women of all occupations, races, or religions, or ages, women bound together by something stronger than this evil pain inflicted upon us. I too have been hopeless, and also wondered why and questioned God. (I realized God put that therapist in my life for a reason) My tears of pain and suffering turned to floods of peace – I share with you the hope I have found, because someone shared that hope with me, and we together as women, can pass that hope on, that hug, that warmth, that tenderness that hears your cries. Healing does not happen overnight – but it can happen, and through that healing, you will learn to once again embrace your womanhood! It happened to me, and I know it can happen to you! Ren Royal

      • j says:

        Ren thank you for reaching out to me. I feel guilty and very confused at times. The person who hit me is a person who is very active in church. He is a youth group leader, plays in the band, leads bible studies. And yet he did such a horrible thing.the person who raped me was my best friend and he was very active in church and was a pastors kid.I have such a hard time understanding everything. I feel torn at times.I feel confused and feel out of place. I don’t know where I stand in my faith anymore.I actually stopped going to church. Nothing feels right.I plan on purchasing your book and I truly hope that it will help me find some peace.I want my life back and I want to feel good about myself and most importantly, I want to be happy.thank you.

  2. hotlineadmin_NF says:

    We are so sorry to hear that these things happened to you. If you ever need to talk, process, or receive support around your experience please consider calling the Hotline. Our number is 1-800-799-7233 and we’re open 24/7 and are completely anonymous and confidential. There is an excellent book entitled “Keeping the Faith” by Marie M. Fortune that you might find helpful. It specifically written for Christian women facing abusive situations and it may help you make sense of your experience. You should be able to find it at Amazon.com or your local library may be able to help you find it. All the best to you.

    ~NDVH Admin

  3. Ren says:

    NOBODY DESERVES TO BE RAPED AND/OR ABUSED! NOBODY! SOME PEOPLE TREAT ANIMALS BETTER THAN PEOPLE. WE MUST TAKE A STAND!

    I REFUSE TO ALLOW MEN THE POWER OVER ME THAT HOLDS ME DOWN IN BAD SELF ESTEEM, OR CONDEMNATION, OR LOSS OF FAITH AND HOPE. I REFUSE. AND I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN I HEAR SOMEONE SAY, WELL HE OR SHE DESERVES IT – NOBODY DESERVES THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO US!

    I HOPE YOU TOO, WILL REFUSE, TO ALLOW THEM TO HAVE POWER OVER YOU. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! YOU DESERVE TO FIND HAPPINESS! PEACE, REN ROYAL

  4. LINDA says:

    I am a student in the University of Cape Coast, Ghana and i have a course in Sexual and Domestic Violence. I agree to the fact that nobody deserves to be abused be it sexually or by any other means. I would like to get updated on issues of sexual and domestic violence for my assignments and research. I would be glad to hear from you soon. Thank you.

  5. LINDA says:

    I am a student in the University of Cape Coast, Ghana and i have a course in Sexual and Domestic Violence. I agree to the fact that nobody deserves to be abused be it sexually or by any other means. I would like to get updated on issues of sexual and domestic violence for my assignments and research. I would be glad to hear from you soon. Thank you. Comment by Linda Akofa Ewusi.

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