National Domestic Violence Hotline Awareness

Share Your Voice

About a year ago, we had a vision of creating a space where survivors and people who are interested in the cause of domestic violence could share opinions and ideas on current events. Today, we are making that vision a reality with the creation of “Share Your Voice”, a blog that will feature guest authors who will write on various topics related to domestic violence. We will also present the opportunity for comments to be posted. The topic of domestic violence will often create a heated discussion. Our hope is that this will be a place where we can all share our ideas and thoughts in a respectful manner, as well as feel free to voice our disagreements. We hope to have little moderation over comments, because we believe this community will be able to moderate itself. However, we will remove comments we deem to be inappropriate.

My husband grew up in community where violence was prevalent. His mother left his father when he was a very young child. Although he has no actual memory of his father, he does remember hearing yelling and screaming while his father was abusing his mother. He has told me that when he was growing up and would see a father and son together, he would feel envious. He has also told stories about how he needed to learn to fight at an early age in order to protect himself. When I first started working in the field of domestic violence, which was over ten years ago, I remember sitting in a training and the trainer was covering “Characteristic of a Batterer” and talking about children who witness violence, cultural norms, etc. I remember thinking, “my partner has some of these characteristics”. So, I began to think, how did we get so lucky? How is it that my husband didn’t follow that behavior? What characteristics does he have that allowed him to stop the cycle of violence?

Well, my husband had positive male role models in his life. These men were coaches, his playmates’ fathers and most significantly, three young men from his neighborhood, who let a young boy, follow them around, play football with them in the street and hang out with them each summer. They helped him dream big dreams, they challenged him and although they pestered him as young kids do, they taught him respect. They are all grown up now and all are fathers themselves, but are still connected.

My husband worked against the odds and I know I am truly blessed to have found him. Now, that we are parents ourselves, we work on a daily basis to ensure our son has a nurturing, loving home environment. We want our son to respect all people and know that violence is never okay. At the same time, we want to teach him how to be confident and assertive. We question ourselves daily about whether or not we are saying or doing the right things. As parents, we are aware of how our behaviors impact our little one and that his eyes and ears are aware of our actions and words.

At the National Domestic Violence Hotline, we dream of a day when our services will no longer be needed and the phone will stop ringing. It is my personal hope that someday, I will be able to tell my grandchildren what I used to do and they will have no idea what domestic violence is. Perhaps, as we continue this blog, we will begin to see more people join our cause, share their stories and together we will eliminate domestic violence!

– Katie Ray Jones, Hotline Operations Director

30 replies
  1. Rossy says:

    This letter is about my local county family court system and a brief hearing in the court system today.
    My husband is the abuser.
    He comes from a family that feels they’re above the law.
    They believe that they can hurt, harm or kill with little or no consequence.
    My husband’s father abused his wife both physically and verbally.
    Since we have been married in 1994…my husband who is currently in law enforcement has pushed me, grabbed me, pinned me down, squeazed my neck and has threatened me with bodily harm.
    The outside world would never believe how violent he is and can be.
    As a substitute teacher years ago, he was overly aggressive with one of the students.

    I’ve called the police a half a dozen times on him.
    I’ve never pressed charges against my husband because I didn’t want to stigmatize him as an abuser/jail bird in the eyes of our young son.
    With the recent deaths of close family members…I’ve decided enough is enough.
    The last time my husband pushed me (April 23, 2009), I went to the police department to request a restraining order against him.
    My local police department told me that I needed to file with the local Magistrate’s Office (MO).
    When the Magistrate’s Office (MO) opened on the 23rd of April, I went in and explained my situation.
    The clerk at the MO’s office told me that I needed to go to the local family court to file such an order. The run around…

    I made my way to family court and completed a Petition for Order of Protection, a Financial Statement Report, an Information Sheet for the county Sheriff’s Dept…I took a copy of everything that I completed to the Sheriff’s Dept.

    I don’t know when they served my husband notice but as defiant as he is-he did not stay away from me; he continued to reside at the home.
    Again he did it because no one tells him what to do.

    I did not call the police because again my family has had two losses this year and can’t bear much more…
    so I kept my mouth close because I knew our date in court would come and that the judge would spell it out to my husband.
    …I mentioned earlier that he and his family are above the law if you asked them.

    No one tells them what to do…they say what they’re going to do.
    At today’s hearing my husband disagreed with my request for child and spousal support.
    I did not bring along my notarized witness of abuse testimony nor did I have the transcript of CAD Calls/Police Incident Reports (from my local police department) handy in court today.
    None the less the judge himself ordered us not to have any contact with each other at all; plus stay away from each other, he said.
    My husband commented to the judge that he is still a resident of our home.
    He asked the judge who gets to stay in the home while we’re pending evidence…
    The judge’s response was whoever gets there first…unbelievable…and his strict order again was to stay away from each other.

    The judged himself issued a restraining order which I thought was on my behalf because I initially filed the petition on April 23rd.
    Before dismissing my husband and myself, the judge told us to see the clerk of court to schedule a near future court date.

    While in the clerk’s office, the clerk asked each of us our address;
    I told her mine which is my residence.
    My husband told the clerk that his address is the same as mine.
    The clerk responded that the address could not be the same because of the domestic violence petition and restraining order…

    The clerk proceeds to asks both of us additional questions in regards to my domestic violence case…all in front of absolute strangers who are sitting in the wait area.
    Here is the bizarre thing…the clerk instructs my husband to complete a Petitition for Order of Protection against me…
    Can you imagine how victimized and ill I’m feeling right now?
    My case discussed in front of strangers.
    And why does he need protection from me I’m thinking?
    Then the clerk goes away and comes back and says…the judge says whoever arrives at the residence first gets to stay there.
    While the clerk is away, strangers in the lobby area are trying to give me advice about my case…unbelievable.

    My question is…does any of this make sense to you?
    Does someone have to die in order for the law to change?
    The county in which I live in has a high domestic death rate and little is being done on behalf of the victims.

  2. kell says:

    i would just like you all to know , you are not alone.
    Domestic abuse is one of the hardest things to go through and to even walk away from. It hurts because you never thought the person you fell in love with could ever hurt you that badly. To me , the mental abuse hurt more. I could take a smack here and there , a push a grab, or even a punch. But to be reminded every day that you suck, your fat, your stupid, or the best “you will never find anyone better then me .” To hear those words is like knives stabbing you in the heart. To know the man/woman you love can say such hateful words. The saying “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is fine when you are little. but once you begin to grow older, and hear those horrible words everyday, you begin to believe them. and no matter how hard you try to walk away, you remember “you cant do any better” or “you deserve it.” i used to make a thousand excuses for his actions. no matter what its NOT acceptable.

  3. RHONDA says:

    I am a family law attorney. I am also a domestic violence victim. Most people find it hard to believe, and I do have a great deal of shame about this. I am a good attorney, but for the longest time I kept thinking that maybe I was not such a great attorney because I could not get rid of this man. I married him, and a month after the marriage, I became pregnant. Things were fine with us up to this point, but he immediately started the abusive behavior upon learning of my pregnancy. We were in a plane heading back from his father’s funeral when I told him I was really sick and thought I was pregnant. He decided to celebrate by drinking, whispering in the ear of the woman next to him , giggling, laughing, and grabbing her leg. I told him he was embarrassing me, and he said he was just being friendly. When we came back home, he started being friendly to any woman he came across. He even asked me for some money for a birthday present (I did the bills before I became bedridden) and then sent it to some woman online whom he had told he wanted to be with her. When confronted, he said that she was stupid to believe any guy online. Then he denied he had sent her the money but never produced a gift.
    I was bedridden quickly thereafter, dealing with immense pain and in no shape to confront him during the pregnancy. I thought that maybe he would straighten out after our son was born. The agreement was that he would stay home with our son while I worked. About a month into this arrangement, I felt something was wrong and put a recorder on the phone line. It turned out that he had a woman he was sleeping with that he found out had an STD and he was upset about it. He then made a phone call to a drug dealer to have drugs delivered that morning to the house while I was at work. I was shaking and terrified after I listened to this, knowing my son was alone with him.
    I went to the police station, filed a report, and the judge granted an emergency order. They escorted him out of the house. The next several days, he would set off my house alarm. I knew it was him and explained to the officers the situation. They refused to acknowledge that it could be him, and started charging me $100 every time the alarm was set off. They finally told me that if I did not disable the alarm, they would “take their time” responding to any other calls from my home.
    I disabled the alarm, and a night or two later he slipped into the house in the middle of the night, disabled the phones, and then pulled me out of the bed where I was sleeping by my hair. He proceeded to slap, choke, bend my glasses, and pull out clumps of my hair. At one point I managed to get the front door open and scream, but I think my neighbors were afraid of him and nobody called the police. I even had police officers who lived right down the street.
    After several restraining orders that he violated and was never in jail for long for, I left California because he kept stalking me at the firms I worked at. He would just show up because he knew I wouldn’t want a scene at work. I moved to Arkansas, hoping to be able to use the money from the house I sold to buy a small house and care for my son who has Aspberger’s. I tried to file for divorce a few times, but he always dodged service, and then showed up on the weekends when he knew they would not serve him. I was punched and slapped any time I tried to make him leave the home. The worst time was when he slapped me so hard that my head hit the door frame I was standing in. I had a lump that fit my cupped hand for at least three months afterward. I also had a huge slap bruise on my face. I begged him to let me go to the hospital. He refused. He picked up a pickle jar and slammed it into his own face in case I tried to call the police and have him arrested. He threatened that he would see to it we were both arrested. I was absolutely terrified of him. The police either did not want to help or could not help, or blamed me. I had suicidal thoughts once, was totally discouraged and felt trapped and helpless all the time, and angry at God who did not seem to hear my pleas to intercede. I became pregnant one night when he forced himself on me. I love my daughter, but bawled when I found out he had something else to hold over me.
    I finally had to leave the beautiful home I bought and escape to live in a trailer in Georgia with a man who was kind enough to want to help me. I am happier now than I ever was. He tried to file for divorce without telling me, hoping I would not find out and he would be awarded my home. I just happened to really feel like I needed to file and my attorney told me he had already filed. He then hoped that the judge would force me to return to Arkansas under the guise of allowing him to see his children, but thankfully that did not happen. He called the children only to try to talk to me, but I refused. He has stopped calling, does not exercise his visitation, and is not paying his court ordered child support. My house is sitting in a nice neighborhood looking like an eyesore because I cannot go back and he is not maintaining the home like he was court ordered to do. I also found out that the attorney handling my case is completely incompetent. Over a month after my hearing and the protective order that was supposed to be filed has not been filed. I have no protective order to show any police agency.
    So I am going to go back and do what I know how to do – be a family law attorney. I am going to be confident and not taking anything from anyone. I will leave no stone unturned. He will not win this time.
    I just wanted to share my story to let you out there know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Don’t listen to people who try to blame you. It didn’t happen to you because you are stupid or too spineless to stand up for yourself. The problem is HIM, there is something seriously wrong with these men, not you. It isn’t love. I know he does not love me, but is addicted to me in a very twisted way. You can’t give up, though believe me I know you want to. I have a discussion group on myspace called, “Never Again – Domestic Violence.” I am here for anyone who needs encouragement. It gives me the strength to deal with this man who has done everything in his power to break me. When this is over, I will be helping victims any way I can. I plan to move to California when it becomes feasible, and opening a practice that reaches out especially to victims of domestic violence. I cannot EVER turn my back on my suffering sister after what I have been through. Sharing what is happening and reaching out until someone listens is all you can do sometimes. Don’t ever give up, don’t let him win. Those women who lie and say they are abused to gain advantage in court, SHAME ON YOU!!! You are making it harder for those of us who are truly suffering to get help. Have a conscience.

  4. CAROL says:

    Hi. I checked into my gift store payment processor situation. It was reactivated today; and should be working fine within 24-72 hours.

    I was mostly a stay at home mom since 1987. It’s beyond me that anyone would think iI have a couple million bucks inspite of what they see/reality. I had to leave in Jan. of 2008 in order to save mine and my childrens’ lives.

    The same thing should not be continuing to happen. Yet, it is. I need it investigated.

  5. Confused says:


    I am trying my best to get educated on this matter. I am a 24 year old female. My boyfriend is 28, we have been together on and off for almost 5 years.

    Through our relationship we have had our ups and downs, for the most part he has been very supportive, helped me pay for school encouraged me to succeed in my career etc.

    He is never emotionally or physically abusive until we have an escalated argument. But these arguments are progressively getting worse. It starts off over something small, but I find the need to talk it over and he prefers to either walk away or ignore me/the situation. He warns me to just drop the issue. I continue to try and get a response out of him until he snaps and begins calling me names. Items have been broken due to his anger, and the argument turns into a battle of threats and words.

    He calms down and asks to be left alone. I leave him alone. After some time I approach him to speak calmly only to find out that he is still angry and ready to call me names and belittle me or blame everything on me. At this point I try to defend myself and inform him the wrongs he is doing towards our relationship. He retaliates into physically forcing me to leave the house.

    I have been pushed down, grabbed, pulled, kicked when trying to approach him. After this happens and time passes, he explains I created the situation and that it is my fault for not leaving him alone.
    When he pushes me it usually involves him slamming a door behind me to stop me from confronting him. I think I may be triggering his temper to escalate but I know I am not responsible for his own actions. He usually refuses to take responsibility for any physical harm he causes (bruises, scratches etc.)

    This is taking an emotional toll on me. When our relationship is good it’s truly the best thing ever, but when it is bad, it’s really bad.
    I don’t want to lose him, but I am beginning to fear there is no hope in making him understand he has anger issues. I also fear I have issues of my own.

    We just had another one of these arguments and I packed my belongings and left after reading What is Domestic Violence on this website…I answered yes to: ”Punishes you by withholding affection.” “Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.” “Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.)” ”Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.” ” Forced you to leave your home.”

    I am staying with a friend; I don’t know what to do about the rest of my belongings, mail, future…or if there is hope. I don’t even know if is he realizes how he has hurt me. He has not tried to contact me at all. And I have refrained from contacting him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  6. lucy says:

    Can the person that abuse can that person just snap and like blackout and do remember all the things that they did or even realize what they did until it is too late. Also he does not drink but did not know if they can get so mad they do not know what they did at all


  7. CAROL says:

    It was only a few weeks ago that I found out my mom’s estate began in 2004. Until I was informed that it began upon, or around the time of her death, May 18, 2004, I believed it wasn’t created until about June of 2006.

    Regarding me: I had nearly died in December of 2003.

    I need an investigator. I cannot disclose too much on this forum. Also, I do not have transportation, and I cannot afford to pay an investigator. Any suggestions are welcome.

  8. toughhlife says:

    Been in a relation for over 7 years and I can seriously say that I love this person with great depths- 1st year was perfect and thereafter aalot of fussing and unsatisfation for me which i believe drove him to put his hand on me. Telling him to get better emnployment to comparing other that I’ved known 3 years into the relationship he was done we got into this huge arguement this lead up to the first time ever he let me have -he was working with local co and so proudly showing he pay check I talked him as to saying you need to get a second job, he was so disgusted that he said somethings and hew ended up on top of with his fist in my throat. That was our brekup because I felt I was not having it never experienced this before and all i knew was my mom went through this and i hated her mate and always feared she would never come home due to fussing and fighting. However we broke after that I begged for him to come back to me, he did and this require me to move many miles away from home, never would i have known this would be the worst of my life and the most darkest days. IHe practically did whatever he wanted to staying out all night -to having total control over my life. Anything that he did not approve of me doing was a reason to slap me down. He hit before which lead an breakup but thta wasn’t our system to dealing with situations before in my hometown. What started was snoopping in his belonging b/c the time we were apart almost 6mos to an 1yrs we keep in contact he would visit me and he wasn’t completly honest with as to the many women that he was seeing . I kind of felt something wasn’t right so i would look through his phone just wanted to know how he handle his self through the breakup b/ci can say i was real close of seeking professiol help which i did, GOD. To make a long story short i am still with him and we both have changed and want and desire to make a chance b/c our love , our children , and ourselves. It not easy but the both seeking help and counseling and supportive group b/c no one desevrs to live in fear. change is possible!

  9. CAROL says:

    For seven years, the post office has been refusing to allow me to get a PO Box. My mail began disappearing and getting tampered with in the last three months of 2001. I am part owner and heiress to my deceased mother’s estate. By law, my brother is supposed to disclose information to me regarding the estate. I am allowed to approve and contest decisions, etc.; YET, to this date, I have not received any benefit, distributions, or copies of anything pertaining to the estate’s activities. It exists, but seems to have disappeared. When I demanded copies in 2006, the reply was, ” If you send me to prison, I’ll have you killed.” I am constantly being told “You can’t prove anything.” He also attempted to steal a portion of a wrongful death amount from me by sending me a letter to sign that I agree I received money and paid it back. I refused, as I hadn’t received anything. he tried to make people in the family believe that I was causing him problems by not signing a release; and convinced some that the paper he sent me is a release. It was/is not a release.

    The post office , and one of the credit agencies always demand of me to show them “a deed to a house to prove your identity”. I do not own a house. Certain people have made a lifestyle of preventing me from owning/buying a house, having money, jobs, education, etc. This has been going on for years.
    This year, I mentioned to one person that I found someone to pull up my credit reports. Once I acquired all three reports, I saw that false information previously on at least two reports is mysteriously not on any reports now. ( In order to file a report of identity theft, a person has to bring currently dated credit reports to the police and the FTC.) How convenient that the information is now non existent.

    Over the course of the past year, since 2008, some people have been telling me. ” I heard you have a couple million dollars secretly hidden away somewhere.” I’ve been told, ” You know why they’re doing this to you, don’t you, Carol?” (in Jan. 2009 regarding all the abuse and mind-screw “crazy-making tactics.) I said, “No! No, I don’t know why anyone would do anything at all like this to anybody.” Then, I was told, “To get the money.” Exasperated over this because it was again being said to me, I yelled out, “WHAT money?!” Suddenly, everyone’s lips are sealed.

    There have been great attempts to make it appear that I am “psychotic”, or the one being abusive. The local abuse organization would not help my children and I. In fact, I was made fun of. Public assistance refuses assistance to me constantly. In February, according to the federal gov., I should be eligible but have to go to local agency. In the local agency, I was refused an application. At some point a week later, with all the weird stuff going on, I called asking to speak to a supervisor. She said, “Well, you have to request from a supervisor that the reasons you were refused be sent to you in writing.” I said, “That is what I am doing now; requesting of you to send it in writing to me.” She replied, ” I can’t.” I said, “Why not? You just told me that I have a right to it and to make the request. So, I am.” She said, “Well, because first you have to fill out an application.” I said, ” Ohh, how convenient is that?? I get denied an application, request the reason in writing, then get told that it can’t be given unless I fill out an application.” Word has gotten back to me that people are not hiring me for jobs because they are being told not to hire me. There is so, so much going on. My youngest son, sometime between March and Easter, was told that we no longer live here by somebody while he is at his dad’s for a few weeks. Something is wrong. Horribly wrong. There are documents to show proof of some things. My online gift store payment processing was/is closed. (Which means, again, I cannot earn an income this way either, now. Tomorrow, I’ll be adddressing the issue.)
    My mother’s identity was also being used.

    My abusers claim, “So, you can’t prove it.” Now, it’s true that I can’t prove what is being said to me unless I had tape recorded and video recorded everything 24/7. However, there is much that can be proved, and the abuse IS occurring. One tactic going on is verbal abuse on me, the my response gets recorded (or the person pretends to record me).

    If my abusers are simply messing with my mind; they are deliberately and severely psychologically abusing my children and me. (mental torture); which means I am dealing with about three or more psychos. Either way…there is definitely something wrong. ( I’m wondering if the “imaginary” me is supposedly in a mental institute appearing to be me; or, I’m supposed to be dead-hence, the near death in 2003 before my mom’s death; while the real me is being made out to not exist or be psychotic when I am not in either condition. In fact, a police dept. in PA might even be holding some evidence, along with a few other agencies.

    I have not been able to get anyone to investigate.

  10. christine spray says:

    I mistakenly included my cell phone number and mailing address. Please do not call since this is not my number, but my friends number and address. But if anyone who is interested in participating in a motorcycle run for domestic violence, I’d be glad to arrange this motorcycle function and all monies will be donated to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. All I need is riders of all tribes willing to participate in this good cause. Please email me at if you or anyone you know is interested. Of course, once I receive enough participants, I will then choose a date, time, and place, probably 2 months in advance, of when we will do this motorcycle event.Thank you.

  11. christine spray says:

    April 26, 2009 Sunday late afternoon My boyfriend,Martin, ran me over with his truck, locked me out of my place of residence, he being the owner, and refused to give me my belongings. So I drove my car up to the end of my dirt lane, which is private property, with no license, tags, or insurance to escape domestic violence and seek help. I avoided any charges for trespassing and breaking/entering in getting my personal belongings since my boyfriend told me to leave.

    The neighbor called the state police for domestic violence and assistance to help me get my belongings.My car was parked with the key removed from the ignition at the time the police arrived. The police saw no signs of assault and they did not assist me in getting my personal belongings. Instead, they charged me for attempting to operate a vehicle under the influence, DUI, for driving on private property in getting help after boyfriend ran me over with his truck.Not once did they ask me if I was drinking before or after I parked the car.

    April 27, 2009 Monday The next morning, Officer Johnson, the one who charged me for DUI, arrived at my place of residence to check on me to make sure I was okay and to make sure I was able to get into the house to get my belongings.He also said he would talk to the States Attorney to see what he wanted to do. He also called my probation officer. The original call was for domestic violence and police assistance.Police did not help me.

    April 30, 2009 Thursday I called for paramedics 9am to take me to the emergency room for chronic back pain. 4 days after I got run over by the truck, the back pain accumulated over time from low back to center all the way up to my ribs. The Shore Health System in Easton evaluated me and diagnosed me of having liver injury, left buttocks contusion, back contusion, and left lung base module.

    Officer Brown arrived at Shore Health System the same day to get another report of the event that happended Sunday and he explained to me that the State Police assist in Domestic Violence but the County Police, or Sheriff, is to assist me in getting my belongings. I asked Officer Brown what I should have done in this abusive situation and he said I was to call state police for assistance. I told him I didn’t have a phone and that is why I drove my car up the driveway to the end of the lane to call for help. He said that was another case. I reminded him no traffic stop was made and my car stayed on private property the whole time. I never drove my car on state highway. He said but I was drinking. That was why I was charged for attempting to drive a vehicle under the influence. He did say that I was not allowed to break and enter the place to get my belongings. That is when I was to call the sheriff, county police. He reminded me this was a domestic violence case, that the DUI case was something different.

    Anyway, I am currently in pain with a bruised back, bruised buttox, and an injured liver, due to my boyfriend running me over with his truck. Yet, the state police is most concerned about the DUI charge instead of I escaping the domestic violence of getting run over by a truck and seeking help.

    Living with Martin Freburger on Harmony Rd, Preston was a very difficult experience for me because the alcohol temptation was extreme. I felt obligated to him because he took care of me which is why I lived with him. I also loved him dearly when he was sober. He started drinking heavily and we started fighting again. Unfortunately, my self control towards alcohol was not as strong as I thought.

    It was hard leaving Martin, the man I truly loved and cared for these past 3 and a half years. But, I can’t stay with him anymore because he has gone back to drinking heavily. He chose alcohol over me, therefore, I have to leave and move on. I am seriously thinking of going into inpatient rehab if I don’t get a full time job soon. I want to do better for me and the biggest step was to leave the man I fell in love with, Martin, the alcoholic. Living here in Wye Mills is refreshing because I have no alcohol temptation here. My next step is to stay sober. Thanks for listening.

    • hotlineadmin_NF says:

      You personal information, address, phone number, and full name were removed from this post in accordance with our Terms of Use agreement. Please remember posting this kind of information may jeopardize your safety.

  12. HotlineAdmin_MH says:

    Please know that the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to talk to you about whatever you’re dealing with, and help you find resources to get more support. We’re available to help you make plans to increase your safety or just for someone to talk to when you need a little extra support. Please call us at 1-800-799-7233.

    • Sherice says:

      I would like to find out about who here locally can help me and my children to leave this situation and this state.

      • HotlineAdmin_MH says:

        NDVH maintains a database of programs around the country and helps connect families with programs in their local communities. It might not be safe to give out this information through the blog, but if you will call us at 800-799-7233 or email us through our web page:
        we will get you connected to your local program. We will be able to respond to you more quickly over the phone than via email.
        Please know that you are not alone and there is help out there.

  13. lucy says:

    I just got out of a abusive relationship and he is in jail, and im going to support groups and it is helping me how can i get him to go to support groups so he want get abusive again can i suggest it in court cause if a baby coming also

  14. cassie says:

    This is the first time I’ve every admited I am a victom of domestic violence,but after 16 years of marriage 5 kids[the last 2 born because my husband told me that he wanted to show me he could do anything he wanted to me] I’m ready to end the abuse. As I sit here with pain on the back of my head, arm that it hurts to move ,my husband passed out after having sex[that he said for me to be still or he would wake the kids and they could hear what it sounds like to take p”y]. I’m feel so trapped and that I should put the needs of my kids first. I got them into this and just can’t find my wayout.I’m not a lazy person in fact the last 3 jobs I had I was able to hide things that have gone on. Tony would take my car keys and make me have sex to get them back, call into work because he’d hide my clothes,make-up,gas money, etc.Everytime I get things set up to completly get away he finds away to stop me.Example I went and applyed for help through SS. When Tony found out he went to the worker in charge and told her what a happy family we are.I live in a small town and I didn’t want people to think I had children I didn’t want because I love them and truely grateful to him for them, so instead of making a big deal out of it when the worker got ugly about it I just let him come back.There are many,many times like this.He is a truck driver he’s not hee all the time,when he is he makes be ask him for money for the bills sometimes he gives it to me sometimes we have to work out some kind of trade or no money[I tried not giving in the gas turned off,house payment got behind.This went on until I gave in.He has a girlfreind that calls him when he is around us.But he still comes back here just enough to let me know he owns me.We have been homeless due to his drug use,I’ve lost every good job I’ve had,he’s blocked me from getting any kind of help,To make things worse I home owner finaced my house and the landlord knows whats going on and all he wants to talk about is how his wife will not have sex with him and how great he is in bed. This is the first time my children have a home,a bed to sleep in,settled in a school district,are starting to think everything is OK.BUT THEY JUST DON’T KNOW.
    I’ve been on every gov grant,domestic violence site I can find they all talk about how to prevent it.Now that I’ve lived it and am trying to stop it were do I go for HELP? I feel so lost and that there is no way out. I have no family that will help others look at me like there is something wrong with me[was A,B student,lots of freinds,cheerleader] now I havw no one.Is there any help for us? What do I do next?

    Thank you for allowing me to tell this to someone

  15. Carol says:

    A common factor in the abusing, seems to me, to be that the abuser attacks caring/loving persons. Perhaps the reason is because the target must be someone that would never hurt the abuser (or anyone) in return. An abuser would have to be experiencing internal fear, guilt, paranoia, anxiety. However, an abuser’s behavior is OUT OF CONTROL.

    Therefore, the abuser NEEDS someone else to be IN CONTROL in spite of the fact that the abuser makes the victims believe that the victim has no ground. (Because the abuser is afraid of getting hurt, or in trouble).

    A prepaid cell phone, along with the police phone number, would come in handy. Someone who is having a violent temper tantrum maybe needs to sit in a jail cell for a little while, in safety.

  16. Ann Anonymous says:

    I am in a domestic violence situation and I need help because I want out – safely. Here are the details: My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. I think It’s just to psychologically abuse me. I don’t really care because of the fact that I don’t want to have sex with a man that is going to emotionally, mentally, psychologically, or physically hurt me.

    Currently, we are living at his mother’s house because the economy is so bad where we live that we can’t find work and I lost my home and my job in my industry. His mother is an enabler, which means anything that he wants, she gives him and he brags about how spoiled he is and could really care less about finding work. He’s a big immature baby. But, well, I guess I shouldn’t have told him that because last night my boyfriend, Mr. Recovering Alcoholic, decided he wanted to have a drink. And, although beer is his choice, he asked me to buy him Bacardi so that it wouldn’t look like he was buying it. He didn’t want his mother asking questions in the small community where she lives because he doesn’t want to get kicked out of her house and that was one of the rules she had when we moved in that there would be no drinking in her home. I can respect that. What I can’t respect is having to lie to her for him.

    So, needless to say, last night we are drinking. I’m drinking lightly and he’s guzzling like a fish. He started getting nasty, saying nasty things. We were out at a boat launch and his mother called him asking him to come back home. He wanted to drive. It was a big mistake on my part to hand him the keys and normally I wouldn’t have done that but he started choking me and told me if I didn’t get out of the drivers seat and give him the keys he was going to kill me. So, naturally I went into victim mode, curled up like a little ball, and handed over the keys knowing full well he doesn’t have a drivers license. Then, he insisted on yelling at me. I got fed up and told him we were over. He said, “What did I tell you before when you told me we were over???” I said I didn’t know, or at least I didn’t recall. I have a really bad memory problem since my dirt bike accident last November and not many memories are sticking in my head. So, he scoffed. He couldn’t believe I couldn’t remember. “I told you if you ever left me you would DIE!” He put the car in drive and directed it towards the water. “We’re both going to DIE! I have NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR!” He stepped on the gas pedal and we headed for the water while I was screaming and begging him to stop. I told him anything he wanted to hear. I told him I loved him and I would never leave him. I tried to call him down but it wasn’t working. Finally, we ended up leaving the park and as we pulled out of the driveway and onto the busy highway he sped down the hwy traveling 80 miles an hour down a curvy 55 mph road into on-coming traffic. All the while I was begging and pleading with him to stop. Every vehicle he saw he would speed up on their tail end almost hitting them and then slammed on the brakes at the last second. He drove for miles and miles doing this, getting pleasure out of me screaming and pleading for my life. I kept crying and while I was crying he would slow down. While I was a little more calm he would speed up and start the game all over again. One of the times when we were at a turn-around, I got out. I walked the highway in the dark for about an hour until he came by and appologized and begged me to get in the car. Finally, after about an hour of driving recklessly, we pulled into his mom’s house. She came out of the door and said, “Take my keys, back the car out and put Ann’s car in first.” So, my boyfriend got his wish and I was stuck there the entire night. I’m sure she knew what she was doing. Whatever he wanted, he got. And I’m sure he called her while I was walking to tell her what was going on, which is why she did what she did.

    We walked into the house. The house was dark except for the livingroom light, which stays on all of the time anyway and the TV was going. She was in bed. I could see the light was off in her room. So, I proceeded to the bedroom to pack my things. My boyfriend threw his arms around me and proceeded to choke me. We fought for hours. Finally, his mom got him because he started bouncing my head off of all of the furniture, all of the floors, choking me, pulling my hair and throwing me around the room. She witnessed the whole incident. It went on for an hour where he wouldn’t stop. He just kept trying to kill me. And I would get up and he would throw me back down. Every time I went to get up, the same thing would happen over and over and over again. Finally, when I admitted to the abuse that it was all my fault and after he went outside to calm down. I appologized for the abuse. I told him and her how I had started the whole situation. I was the one that persuaded him to drink. I was the one who pushed his buttons. It was all my fault. If it hadn’t been for me, none of this would have happened. And his mom asked him why I use people. My question is, how did I use her? How did using anyone have to do with the domestic violence I just went through and endured? She is in her seventies so maybe she has a slight case of dementia? Who knows. I am no doctor, but this whole thing is ridiculous to me. I was almost killed last night. And when I asked him to take me to the hospital, she was standing right behind me and said, “Absolutely no way! Take some aspirin, go lay down and you’ll feel better in the morning!” I could have died last night. It’s nice to know there are people out there that give a sht. Pardon my expression.

  17. Carol says:

    Hi. I believe my children and I are victims of organized crime type Domestic Violence that involves identity theft. Currently, there has been great effort by some to try to make it appear I am psychotic, nuts, or crazy. Among this, there has been attempted murder and many other techniques and methods of abuse carried out. All things that are being done have three main common goals: to cause for me to seem to not exist/to actually make me not exist; to keep me from having any achievements in education, transportation, money, jobs, success especially in the areas of self-employment, taxation, and accounting; and/or to make me appear to be psychotic/nuts, whore,alcoholic, or drug addict. I was nearly dead in 2003. A few months later, my mom died in a fire that to this day remains to be of unknown cause. In between the two incidents, Every single thing that my children and I owned- which also connected me to my life and children, mom, and my mom to us- was done away with.

    Lately, I’ve been trying to get identity theft investigated, and am being made out to be nuts or psychotic again. I have been made to believe (by my childrens’ dad) that my youngest son’s birth certificate disappeared; And, I have a belief that my children are now a target. (Probably to hide identity theft of my identity, thus- again makes me seem to be nuts, again). In the mind of abusers: nothing can be proved. One person, in the beginning of this week, has tried to use a friend as witness to me being psychotic or nuts. One of the questions I was asked is: ” Carol, do you have a dependent child who lives with you? ” I replied, ” Yes, I have a dependent child and he shares this home with me. But for the past few weeks, he’s been at his dad’s place.” A little later on, it occured to me that there might be something going on to make it appear as if my four children are not my children or do not associate with me. I have four children.

    Also, I recently (yesterday) found out that if anyone attempts to make a purchase from my web site gift store, the payment won’t go through. I have to find out what is going on with that on Monday. In 2001, I attempted to have my own online gift store, and it was sabotaged. Someone had called and cancelled my accounts. While I believed the store was taking care of itself when we were in transition of moving; the store had actually been shut down because the accounts had been closed. My children and I also had believed we were relocating to a new apartment..only to find out that we were actually brought purposefully into homelessness. So, this time…if anything going on with my giftstore is would still exist, only no payments would be able to go through. If the whole store would be sabotaged, it’d be the same thing as last time!

    Wish me luck. I am not going to keep my mouth shut about anything, even if it makes me seem to be nuts. An imaginary me does not really exist..therefore, my abusers are nuts. I do really exist, but am expected to think that my existence and the abuse is only in my imagination. When people DO things, including when they DO the covering up of a crime…they demonstrate that their activity is being done by self..not someone else. Either way, this abuse is a crime against me.

    Now, while typing..I received a phone call. The caller (in my opinion) is definitely someone of interest regarding this situation. The caller said, “Hi. What are ya doing?” (kindly “as in hey, how are you/what’s up). I said, “I’m on the National Domestic Violence web site. Then….he hung up on me promptly.

  18. Susan says:

    For 5 1/2 years, I have been stalked by a law enforcement officer, my ex-husband. He has used his power and influence, training and expertise, his skills and resources to get all investigations of his death threats against me dropped. As a stalker, he uses very sophisticated high-tech methods. At first I had phone calls with his police radio blaring, then I had many calls with the sound of a gun-racking (sound of clip of bullets being inserted into chamber of a gun. Next, he hired a private investigator to tail me. After that I had a bomb threat and more recently he has threatened my pastor’s life through third party stalkers (whom I refer to as the ‘hit men’ he hired). I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have not ended up like other police officer’s wives, murdered in cold blood. I believe this started because I reported how he raped me. It is critical that women abused by police get specialized assistance with safety planning because that may be why I am still alive. I am also accessing all available resources. As a Victim of Crime, many people do not know you can find out if your state has Address Confidentiality programs and DMV Record Suppression. But all in all, our society must take the final stand against all those with power, who abuse it. My justice is that I am speaking out against Officer-Involved Domestic Violence and am trying to be a catalyst to raise awareness about law enforcement officers who abuse their intimate partners and get away with it.

  19. Silent Ministries Recovery Outreach says:

    Domestic violence is the silent killer. Like a rattlesnake it cannot always be seen but it is there and the danger lurks in the deadly silence of the unspoken lips that cry each night for God to take them home out of it.
    From broken ribs to broken limbs of little children to the broken esteem of those in the choking control of domestic violence the one broken element that must get attention is the broken system that fosters domestic violence.
    There is the awful abuse that occurrs in the early years of a child and follows them through those innocent formative years into early teen and finally into the would-be dewed kissed petals of young love but instead of love there is fear and hate of others and especially family where it all began with that innocent kiss or the subtle intrusive touch of the hand and what follows later breeds hate into generations and thus an unbroken cycle of abuse followed by domestic violence.

    Abuse and domestic violence is a generational curse and this curse must be broken.

    Abuse is physical, emotional, spiritual, and religious. Abuse has roots in many elements such as culture, society, upbringing, external stimulus like financial stress, sickness and other stresses.
    But there is no rom for abuse and violence in an already cursed environment. Deal with the curse and the stressors and deal with the abuse.
    Jim and Carolyn Harnage
    Silent Ministries Recovery Outreach, Inc.
    Lake PAak, Ga.

  20. Ryanne says:

    i just recently got out of an n and off relationship, that was abusive. it was abusive both physically and emotinally.

    I’m only 19. and have been through alot of other things in my life. When i go t with my ex i was 16 and he was twenty for the first year we lived with my parents and everyything was fine he was a great guy, and then we moved in to our own apartment when i finished my jounior year of high school. he started changing telling me i couldnt go to my friends houses or even my moms. he started taking my cell phone away from and eventually made me drop outta schoool from missing so many days cause i had to stay home and clean the apartment. one day i decided to leave and go to a friends house cause he was working late. i tried to be home before him but i didnt make it. when i got home he started yelling and we got in an argument he started saying i was cheating on him, and then we heard a knock on the door it was my friend returning my cell he pushed outta the door and slammed the door shut. i yelled for help and he ran after me busted down the bed room door and began hitting me. son the cops showed up and i lied to them and told them that he didnt hit. things kept getting worse and worse the cops were at least once a week and i kept lying to them. Eventually i got sick of it and left him. he went and gt help after 6 months i decided to give him another chance it only took weeks for it to start again. and i left him again. I eventually checked my self in to a phsyc ward, and they tld me i had post tramatic stress disorder from everything i dealt with with him. a months after i got out i went back with him again but this time living with my parents the physical abuse stopped but the emotinal abuse just got worse. i broke up with him the other day and made him mve out. he keeps begging me back but i wont do it not again im 19 and have my whole life aheaad of me. i dont wanna fear that everyday is my last being with him.

  21. David says:

    I’m 49 years old. I just married a girl whom I knew when I was younger in my teens. We’ve been married 4 months. I had NO IDEA she had an anger problem when we were dating.

    I have NEVER seen a woman get as mad as she does. Period. Sometimes she’s fine and nice and sometimes she’s like Satan. One time she “flicked off” because I didn’t feel like having sex and went into a tantrum. Started kicking me in the back. Throwing my clothes. She threatened to throw my cell phone into the toilet(which she did). Her two sons are “wrapped around her finger like puppets” and they beckon to her command.

    After we got married and moved into her townhouse, then the “Satanism” began. She’s constantly mad over every, little thing. She won’t talk for hours/days at a time. I treat her like gold.

    The last time she “flicked off”, I decided to end the marriage. She got mad when I wouldn’t argue and slapped me across the head and I got a 1-inch scratch on the top of my head which I didn’t know until the next day when I woke up and saw it bleeding.

    I am SICK AND TIRED of everyone in this country(Especially Police) who think men are ALWAYS the abuser!!!!!! That IGNORANT mentality needs to stop!!! There are women out here who have SERIOUS problems as well!! Since both of us are out of work, I can’t get her any help from a therapist. So I just decided to leave. I plan on annuling my marriage in a few days as soon as I get some money.

    • hotlineadmin_NF says:

      In the interests of creating a safe and respectful online community part of your comment has been edited. Please review our Terms of Use and our Community Guidelines. We are glad you’re reading along and that you have taken the time to share your situation. Please know that NDVH receives calls on a regular basis from men experiencing abuse in their intimate relationships. If you need or want further support please contact our hotline, 24/7, @ 1-800-799-7233.

  22. Yvette says:

    I never knew the importance of safety until I became a victim of crime. I wish to tell my story and be a voice to the many, like myself who have become victims. My name is Yvette, and I am a single woman, who was unfortunately surveillanced and stalked for many years. Just like people who become victims of identity theft, there are those who without realizing it become victoms of crime. This occurs easily if you happen to live in an area of high crime. It was about 11 years ago, that someone had targeted me; and I became the target for many years. I was surveillanced contiously I believe to be used in the prostitution rings. I had never met or known my stalkers, but over the many years I became fearful for my life. I am not fearful as much now, but I can share this story with anyone who wants to hear it. My voice can represent the many who also unkowningly have been stalked and raped, used and abused. My vehicle also was being tracked using some GPS device, it is a frightening thing, to be targeted. I am a professional with a college degree, have never been involved in any crime, and I believe even my stalkers can testify to that, they have followed me using all kinds of devices. I have been listened to, watched, my name has been slandered by others giving out wrong information, claiming I was a prostitute, I was stalked frequently by those who committed crimes and I was innocent of all of this. In other words, I was a perfect person to pick, a single woman who lived alone in a high crime area. I learned something about all this, first my faith in God sustained me, and secondly my desire to tell my story to be a voice for the many people who without knowing become targets. I filed a report with the police department many years back; and found that little was done to protect me, they could not shadow me at all times, and I could not be protected. I did find comfort in having family support, and decided to be vocal about my crime. This is my story and I want my voice to be heard for the many who never speak up or can’t speak out because of fear. The truth be known, the lesson I have learned is that our story does matter, we can be the instrument of change and we don’t have to live in fear. Let your story be known and let it be a voice for many who can’t speak up because of safety concern. I hope this helps someone else who like myself becomes the target of others.

  23. Hannah says:

    I have a male friend who is being abused by his girlfriend. Although he said it’s not an everyday thing, yesterday he came by my home and showed me a bruise going down his forehead very close to his eye. He said that he has never hit her. They’ve been together for over 10 years. He says like many unhappy couples say that he’s w/ her for the sake of their children. I would like to know if anyone can give me more info to pass along to this gentleman w/o him feeling weak as a man. And w/o him getting mad at me for trying to help. He states that he’s tired and ready to leave her. Just need the resources to figure out how to do it before someone is killed or in jail.

    • hotlineadmin_NF says:

      We’re so sorry to hear that this is happening to someone you care about. Please let your friend know that the National Domestic Violence Hotline exists to help him too and that we take calls from male victims frequently. We understand the societal dynamics that can make it challenging for men to reach out and ask for support and help. Please let him know we’re open 24/7 and that we’re completely anonymous and confidential. Feel free to give him our number, 1-800-799-7233. We would be more than happy to speak with you as well if you want more detailed information on how to support him through this process.

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