Welcome to the NDVH Survivors’ Blog

Every couple of weeks we will post a new blog entry by one of our many wonderful guest bloggers. We invite you to post your comments and discuss issues openly. We are committed to maintaining a positive, caring, non-judgmental environment and allowing open and honest discussions to take place. We will only step in as moderators if there are violations of our Terms of Use and Community Guidelines. Please read them both carefully. If you have any questions, feel free to contact one of our moderators.

Laws.com expands domestic violence resources

Posted: Dec 11, 2009 | Comment

Laws.com recently featured an article about The Hotline. It is a very informative piece and they have done a tremendous job at relaying important safety information as well as outlining The Hotline’s services. Please click here to read the article. They have also expanded their domestic violence resources.

Laws.com is a website dedicated to stopping crime and awarding heroes. They firmly believe in providing the public with information and they specialize in the area of crime prevention. The website works closely and supports top organizations around the world. They feature blogs, articles, videos and news covering areas such as domestic violence, child abuse, personal injury and more.

Katie Couric addresses escalating violence seen in teen relationships

Posted: Dec 4, 2009 | Comment

CBS Evening News with Katie Couric covered a crucial issue last night, the alarming number of American teenagers experiencing abusive relationships. This dilemma is reflected in the 600 percent increase of calls and chats to loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline since 2007. The CBS news crew was able to get a first hand glimpse during their visit to loveisrespect where they observed peer advocates during staged calls and chats.

Technology has made abuse easier than ever, allowing perpetrators to employ new mediums such as cell phones, email and social networking websites to control their partners. Sheryl Cates, CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and loveisrespect, weighed in on the issue during the program and stated that technology has changed the dynamics of abuse. Please visit cbsnews.com to read the full story or click here to view the entire broadcast.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Marilyn French’s Characters Speak to Me

Posted: Dec 3, 2009 | Comment

The following blog originally appeared on womensmediacenter.com. 

Marilyn French’s Characters Speak to Me

By Kate Murphy

A college senior considers both The Women’s Room and French’s posthumously published novel, The Love Children, from the point of view of her own generation. And the experience clarifies her feminist sensibility.

As I plunged headfirst into The Women’s Room, the most famous novel of the late feminist Marilyn French, I found myself submerged in a foreign world, or so I thought. Beginning in the 1950s, the novel follows Mira Ward through her teenage years, her young marriage, her life as a stay-at-home mother, and her subsequent feminist rebirth during her forties, while a student at Harvard University. Hers was a world where women were second-class citizens; where all that many young women had to look forward to was a life of suburban discontent and servitude. I found it shocking. But at first I just couldn’t relate to it.
 
Flying through the first few chapters, gripped by the grim reality Mira and her friends faced, my perception changed, the way one’s eyes gradually readjust after the room suddenly goes dark. On the last page of Part I of The Women’s Room I realized I was reading a story that was my own, every woman’s. Isolde, a friend of Mira’s, says to her, “I hate discussions of feminism that end up with who does the dishes.” French ends the chapter with, “So do I. But at the end, there are always the damned dishes.”

I don’t know why, but that struck me. Maybe I couldn’t see myself reflected in the exact life experiences of these women on a surface level, but I couldn’t help thinking of what I would do in their places, how I would feel if I were them. Page after page, I found myself shocked, outraged, and terrified at the depth of unhappiness of the “typical American housewife” of the time. Even after Mira left this life—dumped by her husband and forced to pick up the pieces and start anew, she moved to Cambridge to attend Harvard—I still thought of the women she was leaving behind. Women trapped in loveless marriages, with no means to survive on their own; women doomed from the start.

As I continued reading, I found the women who “made it out,” the women whom Mira met at Harvard, still experienced unhappiness, emptiness, rape, rage, alcoholism, and adultery. But somehow, they fared better. The difference, and it was no small thing, was that these women recognized themselves, and one another, as women at their core, as burgeoning feminists. They formed a community. They shared in each other’s every experience, not on a superficial neighborhood-acquaintance level, as Mira’s friends before had, but on an existential level.

It’s Time to Talk Day encourages greater public dialogue about domestic violence

Posted: Dec 3, 2009 | Comment

Liz Claiborne Inc. is launching its sixth annual It’s Time to Talk Day on December 3. This day will be dedicated to encouraging Americans to speak-up about domestic violence. Individuals around the country will engage in conversations about the issue including government officials, talk radio, domestic violence advocates, businesses, schools and the general public.

Liz Claiborne Inc., will partner with experts in the field including MTV, loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, Seventeen, Talk Radio News Service, Joyful Heart Foundation and more. Please visit loveisnotabuse.org  for more information or for ideas on ways to get involved.

Julie Stevenson (far right), is Chair of the annual ”A Day to Shine” fundraiser benefitting loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. She will be participating in It’s Time to Talk events today. Also pictured and participating in events are National Domestic Violence Hotline and loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline CEO Sheryl Cates (far left) and Judge Jeanine Pirro (center).

Inspiration

Posted: Nov 17, 2009 | Comment

For almost 15 years, since the death of her sister, Nicole Brown Simpson, Denise Brown has spoken out about the issue of domestic violence. She has travelled all across the United States, speaking to university student bodies, men in prison and in batterers’ treatment programs, women at risk, church groups and various educational and legislative forums. She has advocated for a variety of legislative solutions for domestic violence, and has made a life-long commitment to educating the public. In her own words, Denise shares her inspiration and purpose for the amazing work she does.

It all started on the saddest day in the world for me. June 12th 1994. A day I will never forget.

The day my sister Nicole was brutally murdered.

Nicole and I were less than two years apart in age. When we were growing up we did everything together, we looked out for one another. When Nicole was a baby and my mother took her for walks in her stroller she used to tell me how I wouldn’t let anyone near her.

The groups of friends we hung out with were the same. Some girlfriends even said “If one of them is mad at you, so is the other one”.

After about a year of courtrooms I was asked to speak, March 1995 in Columbia, Missouri, to 800 people. I said yes but honestly I don’t know why, because I used to ditch class if I had to give an oral report in front of the class. It was something I could not do. I was terrified.

When I got to Missouri they introduced me and for about 30 seconds I thought I was going to faint. All of a sudden a voice told me “This is not about a grade for you, this is to help others. You do the best you can.”

That was Nicole, my inspiration that helped me, that day to overcome my fear of speaking publicly.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. Wishing she were here with me, but I do know that her untimely death has and is saving so many lives in the world. Every time I speak I know Nicole is right there with me.

I love you Nick.

By Denise Brown
www.NicoleBrown.org
www.DeniseBrown.com

Doing Right by Queers Dealing with Violence

Posted: Nov 11, 2009 | Comment

My roommates Chuy and Ramón used to laugh whenever any one of us played the soundtrack from the movie Car Wash on the stereo that belonged to Ramón. We would cackle at the story Ramón told of the how the stereo came into his life. It always began with Ramón saying, “Dallas hated that album! Girl, I’ve had to buy that thing a few times!”

Ramón told how the first album met its demise as the three of us sat in our tiny living room swatting at mosquitoes, trying to keep the Texas heat at bay. Dallas, Ramón’s ex-boyfriend, smashed it in a fit of rage.

“I put on the album, turned up the volume and told him to go ahead and shoot; I was tired of all of his drama,” continued Ramón, swishing his drink in one hand and putting the cigarette to his mouth with the other. “He had that gun in his hand and just before he pulled the trigger, he aimed at the stereo that was right behind me,” said Ramón, the laughter making him throw his head back. With the apology that followed, Dallas bought Ramón a new stereo. The guilt stereo we called it.

We laughed every time we heard the story. We should have been horrified that Ramón had almost been killed, but all we could do was laugh.

This was in the early 1980s. I had just come out as a lesbian and found myself living with two gay Chicano activists. We railed against military intervention in Central and South America, embarked on Cuban solidarity trips, and went on to help organize the Austin Latino/a Lesbian Gay Organization. But we never gave the violence that we saw happening in our relationships a second thought. Like the violence aimed at us for being queer, it was just something we managed.

I’ve been out and actively involved in queer movements for liberation for nearly thirty years; I’ve met a LOT of people. Only a handful have not had to manage violence at the hands of an intimate partner; several fought back tooth and nail; and some went on to hurt subsequent partners. A large number came close to losing their lives. Few have talked about their experience. Not one called a domestic violence program, queer where it was available or otherwise, to ask for help.

I am not a researcher; I have no quantifiable and verifiable data to point to as I think about advocacy on behalf of folks who identify as queer, questioning, trans, bi, lesbian, intersex, or gay. There are very few studies or surveys to document these realities.

The only thing I have to work with is my own heart-breaking experience of supporting people I’ve dated or the friends who I call family as they manage the effects of that violence—in the brand of isolation that surviving anti-queer violence breeds. In short, I can only speak for myself.

I was an advocate for over seven years on the National Hotline. I love and deeply appreciate my fellow advocates on the Hotline and at programs around the country; they are my greatest teachers and supporters. Domestic violence programs do outstanding work against tremendous odds. I know that if I were ever to become involved in an abusive relationship, I would not seek help through a domestic violence program, queer or otherwise as my first step. In that regard, I am no different from the majority of the 20,000 callers to the Hotline.

I would likely call my family first, camp out in their homes with my dogs, and burn up my advocate friend’s cell phone minutes.

When I did call for help, I would want the advocate to have an understanding of the ‘flavor’ and context of violence I would be experiencing as a lesbian.

The Northwest Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse does an excellent job of explaining those dynamics beyond the power and control wheel so many advocates are now used to. The information can be found at nwnetwork.org.

Communities United Against Violence shaped their program around an analysis of violence that accounts for the complexities of living in a violent society. Their analysis can be found at cuav.org.

I would want to understand some of my basic legal rights, including whether or not I would be eligible for a protective order. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Projects has analyzed state statutes; though dated, this information would still be helpful:

I would want the advocate to put a check on their own feelings about lesbians and the rest of us queers. This recent article written by a fundamentalist Christian was eye-opening even to me, and like I said, I’ve been around for a while!

Lastly, I would want that advocate to understand their own experience of bearing witness to trauma. I would want them to be completely present for me. I would need them to be well-rested, well-nourished and self-aware. This book on Trauma Stewardship is a good, thoughtful resource.

I felt a dozen hands on my back as I wrote this blog entry; I am indebted to the people who shaped my perspective by sharing their stories with me. I heard their laughter, their sighs, or the whispered remnants of their stories as I typed. To those, like Ramón, who are no longer alive, I say, “que en paz descansen.” To those, whose hands I still hold and whose stories I am still learning, I say, “milésimas gracias.”

By Lucha

Inspirational Events

Posted: Oct 26, 2009 | Comment

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), many organizations are showing their support by hosting events in honor of victims of domestic violence. This month has been filled with inspirational events and exhibits, buildings illuminated in purple light for awareness, and many fundraising initiatives for victims and survivors. With so many wonderful things planned for this important month, it is hard not to feel inspired. The month is not over yet and there is still plenty of time to do your part locally. The following three events have stood out the most for us, and we hope they inspire you as well.

Empire State Building Tower Lighting

Many buildings across the country have been glowing purple this month in honor of DVAM but one structure definitely stood out. The Empire State Building, one of the most impressive structures in the world, was highlighted in purple exterior lighting in honor of DVAM and the New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence on October 14.

The State of New York Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence has a lot of great information on “going purple” this month. Click here to acces their pdf. 
 
Marshalls Shop ’til It Stops Symbolic Exhibit
 
On October 1, Marshalls and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) joined forces for an awareness and fundraising campaign as a launch to Domestic Violence Awareness Month.This year, The Hotline was the beneficiary of the Marshalls annual Shop ’til It Stops in-store program which donates $1.00 to the Hotline for each pair of shoes sold at Marshalls between October 1 through October 15.

The program was launched by Laura Leighton and Tim Gunn with the unveiling of a symbolic exhibit created by Marshalls that honored those who take a stand against domestic violence each day. The structure featured facts about domestic violence and inspirational messages from celebrities and was open for consumer experience in Los Angeles and New York at the beginning of the month. For more information on the events, please visit thehotline.org.
 
The Clothesline Project

The Clothesline Project is a program started in 1990 to address the issue of violence against women. It provides women affected by violence an opportunity to express their emotions by decorating a shirt. The shirts are then hung on a clothesline to be viewed by the public as a testimony to the problem of violence against women. Click here to visit the official campaign website and get more information.

The Verizon Foundation had a display of the Clothesline Project at their National Domestic Violence Prevention Summit 2009 Engaging Communities to Help End Domestic Violence which was held in Dallas, TX on September 24, 2009.